I was right, the greenhouse was very eager to have me spend a day with it yesterday.  Before the day was over I had no less than 200+ vegetables planted and 300+ flowers planted.  I put a heater in it due to the cold mornings we still have this time of year.  It has a dial for the heat without a temp gauge so I’m hoping I have it set somewhat accurately.  It was simply fun to play with all of this for a day.

Today will be the first day of letting go of the Celebrate Recovery’s leadership in full.  We have our monthly meeting and I will simply be attending.  I like that.  In my devotional reading this morning I was brought to full attention.  I’m reading a devotional by the Blackaby brothers.  It is challenging.  Today’s reading was about full obedience to God’s leadership in our lives.  It challenged me to re-access all the steps I’ve taken or have not taken getting to this place of today.  They use the life of Moses as their example.  He is known to be a real follower of God.  However, there were more than a couple times when the work he could have done was hindered by his lack of belief in God using him as fully as God intended.  I know I have spent a lifetime limiting God’s use of me.  I use to think God’s nudges were things God wanted me to do but they were somewhat optional.  I now know that these nudges from God are His invitation to join Him in His work.  They may be optional in man’s eyes, but in our spiritual eyes, they are exactly what God is wanting us to do as our Leader.  I don’t want to limit God by my limitations I see in me.  I want to have faith in God big enough to do all He sends my way knowing it is not about me but about Him and His Almighty Power. “One day at a time” is what God is asking me to do.  Today my answer is YES.

It is so pretty outside I can hardly stand being inside.  It is only in the low 30’s however so I’ll wait a little so the sun can do it’s work before I go and do mine.  The greenhouse is yelling to me today.  I think we will have a good time together bonding.

Yesterday was a remarkable day.  My brothers and spouses were coming for an early afternoon dinner.  I was wanting to get some outside work done ahead of them arriving.  It was overcast and rain predicted.  I wanted to take advantage of it since I was putting sterilant down to keep weeds from growing where I never want anything growing.  In the midst of doing this I got a call from a friend from Celebrate Recovery.  We talked for over an hour and I was telling myself this was more important than this yard work.  However, as only God does, I finished the call, and finished the work before anyone arrived.  It sounds silly but God is just like that when we are doing what He wants us to take time to do.  As spring arrives I truly have to keep this in mind for yardwork is always a priority and I know God doesn’t want me substituting it for His Kingdom Work.

Each time our family of brothers get together I find myself having some residual effects.  Yesterday while journaling to God I asked Him what I should do in preparation of their coming?  He seemed to say to listen to them and see where I’m included in their conversations.  This morning as I reflected on this I found I wasn’t included in what they talked about.  They talked about their own inclusion with one another.  Remarkably, this time I found this being OK.  What they talk passionately about is of no interest to me and what I talk passionately about is of little interest to them.  We tease each other much but being different for the first time was fine.  They were good with what they did for a living and well respected for it.  I was the same in my field of work.  This may sound trite to some readers but it is powerfully important to me.  I for so long wanted to be a good Lewis brother.  I hadn’t realized being a good Lewis brother didn’t have to mean replicating what the others did.  I’ve never disrespected their interests and they don’t disrespect me.  We can’t make a difference unless we are different–this is a quote our pastor made a couple weeks ago.  I like it!  God is showing me that my differences are intentional.  I can use them freely without judgment.  That feels good.

Yesterday was a full and fulfilling day in several ways.  I mention in the blog about the gentleman who talked with me the night before at Celebrate Recovery.  What I didn’t mention was my conversation (journaling) with God about some dilemmas I’m facing and being stuck in how to handle them.  Hebrews tells me to be patient, have faith and come boldly to the throne of Grace due to Christ’s work for each of us who believe.  So I asked God to take the lead with each of these items giving clarity about my part.  Amazingly, during the day, I was able to address the three most important on the list.  I was able to see clearly what I’m to do and what they are doing with God’s help.  What was startling was that they contacted me rather than me taking the first step.  I know God is like this but there sure are times when I need to be reawakened to just what this “amazing” looks like and what my part is to be.  It is never to try and be God rather than God’s helper.  I don’t want to do that but there are times I find out that I’m attempting to.  Today God tells me to be patient with the other ones on the list for my part in supporting is to be patient.

I had my second shingles shot yesterday so I’m feeling today like a small train hit me.  I felt this way for a day when I had the first one.  I’m not working today so I thought it would be good to get it done.  My three brothers still living and their spouses are coming  for dinner today so I can just be less active anyway.

Hebrews is a book written it seems to help ones like me know if I’m maturing in my walk with God.  If I’m not, it shows me how to know that and if I am it shows that too.  I find it interesting that scholars don’t know who wrote it.  Whoever did sure had clarity of mind about how to walk with God and grow in this walk.  Patience, faith, trust are just a few of the characteristics God outlines in this book.  I’m paying close attention for I know God is nudging me big time as I read it.  God is a great teacher as well as God.

Last night was Celebrate Recovery night.  What a blessed experience it was too.  It was chip night for all of those working on their individual recoveries.  This is always fun and very celebratory.  In addition, 3 step studies were ending and all participants received their chip.  I was teaching the lesson on CONFESS which goes deeply into the work of a step study when it is successful for each participant.

Ahead of dinner a gentleman attending who struggles with a sexual addiction tied to some early childhood trauma and abuse asked to talk privately.  We did and he confessed his current status.  He had talked to his wife that afternoon confessing to her and he wanted to talk to me.  God has him at his bottom and he is looking up and now seeking help.  I told him God’s timing is always perfect.  Not only was last night’s lesson on CONFESS, but this Sunday we are starting new step studies and men and women and he could step right into it.  He has been coming to our Wed. night program for over a year but this is his first time to go deeply into his background.  God has him ready.

This morning in Hebrews I was reading about those of us who feed on milk and those God has brought to the point of maturity in their walk with Him and He now is able to feed them meat.  This maturity process is not an easy one.  It is definitely rewarding when we stay with it, but facing the painful giants in our personal lives is tough.  However, when we see our own lives impacting and helping someone else begin to address their own, all is worthwhile.  God’s Grace, His very essence–nature is so loving.  Yet, loving Grace provides the means for each of us to face our giants with God’s and man’s support.  Our steps may be tough and painful, but as the Serenity Prayer says, “…taking one day at a time, one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace” we can do this.  God’s pathway will lead us to peace even during the toughest moments when we Confess to one another and allow ourselves to be supported.  Thank You Father!

I mentioned yesterday that last night was the second of our 6 sessions for those wanting to lead in our forthcoming sexual brokenness classes.  The topic of last night’s class was Shame Breaker.  I had lots of notes from last fall when I first went through this lesson.  However, last night it was as though it were my first time to experience the actual lesson.  The first time was to gather facts about shame–last night I faced the shame still in me.  As we go through each lesson we allow much time for conversation addressing any confusion, frustration, awakenings, etc.  There was much last night including my own.  Everyone who has stepped into addressing their need for recovery has to admit to the shame that has haunted them and they have tried to bury.  No one knows this action better than me.

The class brought out the truth between guilt and shame.  Guilt is an action of God’s work.  We feel guilt so we can confess our wrong and find forgiveness for it.  This is all an act of God’s Grace.  Guilt comes from something we have sinfully done and we can confess and let it go.  Shame comes from something we think we are and we must hide it because it is directly part of our identity.  Shame is what Satan builds upon continuously and never tries to never let us forget.  Guilt we confess, shame we hide.  Guilt is removed through confession.  Shame is only removed from being loved.  This last statement was my awakening last night.  When one’s life is filled with shame one doesn’t receive love or accept it because one isn’t worthy of love.  Now I know why God wanted me to journal to Him since July of 2016.  He has been awakening me to His Love and Grace replacing the identity I’ve always had deeply rooted within me.  “People may love some of what I do but they could never love me because I’m too dirty.”

Last night’s class allowed me to see some genuine growth God is providing me in all of this.  He’s been having me journal the past two days about Grace.  It all ties together now.  I’ve understood shame while looking at others but I’ve always hated looking within.  Now I can do this and see that much of the old self shame is gone.  What may be still lingering can be better handled.  I am freer to talk it out with an accountability person and accept God’s Love for me, other’s love for me and love myself so I can better love others.  Wow, this is powerful!  Thank you God!

Today is the second Tuesday of our 6 devoted to training the ones God is nudging to consider leadership in the sexual brokenness ministries.  I didn’t get all tangled in the sheet and blankets last night as I did a week ago last night.  But I had a repeated, haunting dream that didn’t stop until I finally got up.  In the dream were people I know who were lost in the anguish of their loved ones who had either died or were deathly ill.  My role in the dream was just one of providing comfort to those mourning.  I asked God this morning to help me know the significance of this.  He only response was to pay attention to the details in the dream.  The details I could vividly recall were the people, the reasons the ones were ill or for their death and the amount of loss and helplessness people were experiencing.  I don’t want to get lost in this analysis but I do want to stay focused on the fact that this ministry is all about hurt, loss, fear, bondage, helplessness and more.  God wants me awake to these details and that my role is not to take charge but to keep focused on the One and Only One Who Heals the broken-hearted.

Yesterday I wrote more about God’s Grace/Peace and its impact on how we live.  As I began to accept God’s Grace as being in control of all and being present in all things, I began to address all that I had on my mental list for the day.  By early afternoon almost all of them were addressed and done.  No conflict, only clarity and focus.  I had been trying to find peace in them and it was there waiting for me.  I just needed to complete my tasks.  Several of the things still have action that needs to be taken, but there is now an agreed plan for taking them.  I’ve known this but it seems in the midst of a struggle it is hard to recall what we have known in our head and put it to work in our daily living.  Satan’s deception can rule so easily if we don’t recognize it.

God’s Grace is called unmerited favor.  I love this.  It reminds me to not even go into trying to earn it.  It is a gift by the very fact it is God’s very essence/His nature.  Peace is the natural consequence of me allowing God’s leadership and my obedience to it at the time He nudges.  Yesterday was a big day reflecting this truth.  I want to learn to live this way 24/7.  This journey is far from done.

Yesterday I was struck with Paul’s writing to Titus and pointing out grace and peace.  Here Paul is in prison in Rome and had been for some time.  This morning as I begin to read Philemon, I read Paul once again greeting him with the same words:  grace and peace.  By now Paul is calling himself old as he does in verse 9.  I say that I am “old and special” almost every time someone asks me the question in greeting, “How are you?”  I do that because I don’t want to tell people I’m anxious or concerned, or ….  Paul is saying he is old but he is also saying he has peace due to God’s grace even though He is in prison.  He also goes on to tell Philemon to prepare a guest room for him as he prays he will have the chance to leave prison  and visit him.

I read yesterday and today’s passages and am convicted that God is wanting to grow me in His gifts of grace and peace.  The fact that I awake quite anxious many mornings does not need to reflect how I live out each day.  God knows my heart and if it is an anxious one I will likely question much of what He asks me to do.  A heart at peace is far more apt to act on God’s nudge at the time He gives it.  So, this morning I asked God to teach me how to live in grace.  I found myself needing to thank God for what He is doing that I don’t know about in the cases that make me anxious.  I also thanked Him for the outcome that I don’t know, but I trust the outcome to be God’s rather than mine.

I learned well as a child what anxiety is and I also learned to cover it well with an exterior that would hide it.  Now I’m learning that God wants me free from anxiety’s bondage.  It does freeze me from addressing God’s nudges at times.  Yesterday I said I’d need to address grace and peace some more.  This is today’s assignment and one I know God is nudging me to accept.  I do so with a glad heart that senses God’s peace.

As I started to read the book of Titus this morning the first thing that hit me is the word Grace, Titus 1:4.  It said we don’t have peace if we don’t accept God’s Grace.  I thought I needed to investigate this 5 letter word a little more.  The dictionary definition is something like walking with fluidity and poise.  I thought to myself, wow, look what man does to a Godly term–reduces it to how my walk looks to man.  The biblical definition said that Grace is the very essence of God’s nature.  It is all-consuming and yet it is also very finite in that each of God’s natures is also acted out in Grace.  Awakening to this fullness caused me to realize the anxiety I so often feel is an absence of me dwelling on God’s Grace so that I can know His Peace within me.  The word Trust comes to mind in this.  I am to trust God’s leadership in my life and in the world around me.  If I do this I will have Peace because I know God does all things through Grace since it is His very nature.

This walk through Grace this morning also gave me insight regarding what I use to think about my importance to God.  The fact that God never breaks His promises to man is evident in the fact that giving man choice can be and is extremely hurtful when man uses choice to abuse.  This left me thinking I’m not important.  However, God provided Hope for me during this time just as I wrote about a few days ago.  Hope was His Grace being shown when I was so vulnerable to man’s choices.  Now that those days are long behind me I can Trust God’s Grace to be more than a way of escape.  I don’t need to live in the lies of my past nor in the lies of deception Satan wants to throw in my mind or path.

God is truly a faithful, full of Grace, Father.  If we will listen and continue to obey Him as He nudges, His Light will continue to penetrate darkness we didn’t even know existed within us and around us.  I think this is more about living as a new creation knowing the old self is dead.  God is growing us into the likeness of His Son just as He promised.  It is humbling to write this but I’m learning this is true for each of us which includes me.  Praise God.

This morning’s entry was about to be skipped until I just finished a phone call that left me knowing I must go ahead and do it.  Kathy is gone to a women’s retreat sponsored by our church.  I started reading a book this early morning recommended to me by one of our guys in Celebrate Recovery who is going to a different recovery group along with our CR.  He thought it might help strengthen our efforts with folks trying to stay sober.  The book’s title is:  STAYING SOBER.  As I began to read the section specific to creating a plan for sobriety I began to know why the book is being suggested.  It takes what a step study we do in CR does and adds the addition of ending a study with a written plan to maintain sobriety.  This structured approach I believe will help many–including me.

I called a couple of our guys and talked at length about this and they believe as I do that  it will help.  As I was talking to my own accountability person he and I stepped into a lengthy conversation about deepening our own connection with one another.  Accountability doesn’t need to daily take a lot of time, but it does need for us to routinely take enough time to either tell what “I’m fine” truly means or what “I’m struggling” truly means.  All of us intend to do this with our accountability but it is a rare team who is able to do this with full, honest transparency.

What was really hitting me last night and this morning is my need to look in control even if I’m feeling out of control.  I know this relates back to all the out of control abuse I received from dad and my brother.  I just hadn’t seen this clearly until I was talking with my accountability friend this morning.  I’m going to also spend time with God to see where He is in all of this and what He wants me to do about it.  I trust Him to use this awakening to grow my relationship with Him and with others.  He’s the One and Only True God and I will trust in Him and Him alone.

I know it sounds silly, but I love typing March above as the date.  The days of winter are growing slim and the days of spring are about to come upon us—Greenhouse, here I come!

What I wrote about yesterday was a start to a major hurdle God is wanting me to jump.  I was looking yesterday for the schedule of testimonies and lessons for our current Celebrate Recovery year.  I knew I was doing something in March but wanted to find out what and when.  I couldn’t find the schedule so I called the leader who originates this to find I’m teaching CONFESS next Wed. and the following Wed. I am giving my testimony.  No wonder God was nudging me to look.  When I give my testimony I always take time to update it with what God has been currently doing in my life.  I was pondering yesterday how to word all of the “stuff” God has been doing into a concise few paragraphs.  This morning, God showed me.

I wrote a couple days ago about Monday night’s struggle I had faced most of the night prior to starting our new leadership training for the recovery classes.  This has been troubling me all week because I wasn’t able to find God in the struggle as I’ve been attempting to do as these moments hit.  Even though I wrote what I did yesterday, I still couldn’t find the Strength of God.  I felt alone in this.  In my bible reading this morning I read II Timothy 2 where Paul outlines many areas for Timothy to be ready to face as he matures in his walk with God.  One of these statements from Paul was verse 22:  “Shun youthful lusts and flee from them, and aim at and pursue righteousness.”  I’ve always been ashamed when I would turn to self-gratification as I was tormented with Satan’s attacks about my worthiness, my identity, my value to God or man.  So this morning I asked Jesus to help me understand His place in all of this.  He was able to withstand all temptation so what am I missing here?  His response was, “Earnie, I’m right here helping you see the truth as in this morning.  See how Satan uses the inner strife to cause you to only see the loss of me and hate My Father and Me?  He’s had you believing I (We) don’t love you like we do others when We loved you so much We knew our Hope would bring you to this point of today where these recovery ministries will be led by our beloved son and brother adopted into our Kingdom.  You are redeemed.  Earnie, this is you–the new creation who is no longer hiding but facing the hiding with determination to not let it own you or try to make you believe you’re safe in the cave of sin.  You don’t have to believe those lies anymore.  You are redeemed and a new creation.”  I cried.

Well, this was a moment of great Light being shed for me.  I’m not earning something with this work as I always tried so hard to do in times past.  I am obeying God who has asked me to join His Team.  I am redeemed by the very blood of the Lamb which cleansed all others and me.  I’m a new creation now completing my role in this earthly life God has given me.  Praise God!