I always thought that having to confess my use of porn was the ugliest confession of all. However, I have recently discovered one even greater–PRIDE. I’ve written in the last couple of entries about my need to confront a character flaw in me I’ve hated, but hung onto. I know the flaw and confessed it. This morning as I was journaling I asked Jesus to reveal the root of this flaw. It is one thing to confess, but it is entirely another thing to let it go so it doesn’t take root in your behaviors again.

When I was ending my journaling I asked the question I always ask at the end of each journal entry: “What do you want me to know from you for today, Jesus?” His response was immediate as it is each day. He graciously pointed out that the root of my character flaw is pride. Pride was what kept me living in a secret all of my life until Celebrate Recovery. Pride was what kept me using porn thinking I couldn’t overcome this due to my past so just accept it as something one must cope with. Pride was what fueled the actions of this present character flaw. In fact, Jesus pointed out that I did this so I could be “superior” in my thinking in one area of my life believing I’ve been inferior all of these years.

The reason this is so important at this point in my life is knowing how I saw my pride. If my pride never measured up to the ugliness of dad’s pride, then I was ok in my thinking. When my grandson pointed out to me a couple of days ago what my actions look like to my family I was able to see that my measuring stick needed to shift to God’s measuring stick. Man’s pride is always sinful when it is used for his own selfishness. Knowing this root, accepting the truth of this root, I can now surrender it to Jesus as my sin and act on The Holy Spirit’s nudges when He’s pointing out to me what I’ve wanted to ignore in the past.

Thank you, Thank you JESUS!

There’s an area of my life I have not been able to address. I’d given up on ever being able to do anything about it so I had resolved to just put up with it. Last night our oldest grandson was having an in-depth conversation with grandma and me. He said he needed to have a hard conversation with us. In so doing he pointed out this behavior of mine as very hurtful to the grandkids and to our kids. He thought all of our kids had tried to let me know how this bothered them, but it hadn’t made any difference. He wanted me to know that they all love grandma and me, and they didn’t want to someday have me pass having never addressed this.

I’ve known this behavior of mine. I can go way back into my childhood and identify it there. I deeply appreciated my grandson outlining the consequences of “not addressing the root of it”. Last Saturday I had journaled about this behavior telling God I wanted to do something about it and asked Him to let me know what I could do or should do. Well, it was nicely addressed last night and today I can act on it.

There is something powerful about surrendering what we cannot do ourselves to the Almighty God and letting Him focus us on the steps we are to take. I’ve said so many times that life is a huge lesson. Each day is an assignment. Today I have clarity on this assignment that I didn’t know how to complete until now. God is so GOOD!

Tomorrow begins the actual start of our counseling program. I will be finishing my course this coming week for the certification, but more than anything, it begins for me a start into the world of helps I thought this man I am could never do. How God changes one’s life so dramatically!

The counseling program won’t be formally announced until next Sunday where it will be outlined and a flyer included in the worship folder. Having this week to get counseling space worked out and set up along with starting a couple of counseling sessions I’ll do on my own, will be the focus of the week. It is the first time I’ve ever started something new where I haven’t felt equipped, but instead, I start with believing. God is so gracious and good to use every last struggle of my life to now glorify Himself. What an honor to be able to be a part of this Kingdom work.

Every once in a while I have someone close to me point out a character flaw. I’ve been a part of Celebrate Recovery long enough to know a good deal about character flaws. I listen to a good number of folks talk about their own. I pray with them and provide support as I can. So, this time, when I had this flaw pointed out to me I thought it is time to deal with it. I’ve attributed my flaws to my abuse, however, I think it is more just a part of my personality–the way I’m wired. Either way, it needs Godly attention.

This morning in my journaling I began to write about this character flaw and asking Jesus to help me with it. The first thing He pointed out is that I need to surrender it. I can’t change it, only He can. During this processing time He reminded me that He, the Great Healer, lives within me and I dwell in The Holy Spirit as He is a living part of me. I can discipline myself for a period of time, but the volcano will erupt at some point and I’m back realizing I can do nothing on my own (as though that is a new reality!).

So, this morning, I surrendered this flaw to Jesus. i know I’m a new creation and this is just one more reality I’m awakening to as I journey now as this new being in Jesus Christ.

Outside of an hour delay in Dallas we got home without a hitch. Our grandson has an appointment with his own doctor right after lunch today so we can take care of this issue here at home. God is good!

I crawled into bed last night at 11:58 pm glad I was home and looking forward to getting my yard caught up today. When I got up this morning I saw a note on my desk saying oil change and suddenly remembered I’d made one prior to leaving last week. It takes 30 mins to get here and I had 35 mins at the time I saw the note. I certainly got ready in a hurry and made it. So this is being written at the Toyota dealership.

Mostly today I want to thank God for his unfailing love and care. I’ve learned so much about this in the past couple of years. I never want to take it for granted.

Well, the casual day I expected yesterday as our last day in Florida, turned into a much different one. Our 2nd grandson who we brought with us for his high school graduation present, was having some stomach issues. We stopped at a pharmacy to talk with the pharmacist to see what he’d suggest. We got a couple of items which Hayden, grandson, took. By noontime, he was feeling worse so we went to quick care. They sent us on to the ER unit down the road a mile. We spent about 4 hours there where they did a CT scan and blood work. They had Hayden transported by ambulance to their main hospital to be examined by a surgeon to see if what the scan showed needed surgery. All this time I kept telling the ones at the ER we were to leave tomorrow and we needed to know if this issue could wait and be treated back home. No one seemed to hear this.

As Kathy and I drove to the hospital where Hayden had been transported, we stopped at the hotel to get a couple things we’d want for the hospital. In so doing we both reached out for prayer. I had our church prayer chain enacted along with contacting relatives. Kathy did the same. We ended up being at the hospital for another 5 hours. It was there that a nurse realized we wanted to head home if this isn’t something that could wait. The hospital was intending to admit Hayden and have the surgeon talk with us the next day. This nurse and another one got a doctor to finally talk with us. He said there was no reason to stay there. He released us and said to have Hayden’s doctor take care of this when we got home.

There’s much more to this story, but the lesson I learned was the importance of reaching out for prayer. Kathy initiated the thought when we got to the hotel. I’m always a little reticent to tell something like this, but at that point, I was feeling quite helpless. Within minutes we had hundreds praying and family continuously reaching out to us. A few hours later we were back in our room.

My lesson–my words were heard when I had surrendered my helplessness by reaching out. I needed this lesson.

Today will be our last full day in Florida. It has certainly been a wonderful trip. I came with one thing in mind–support my graduating grandson. Along with that, I got to meet some of his close friends and spend time with them, spend a great deal of time with my own family members who also came, and experience some highlights totally unintended–parasailing.

My grandson left early this morning to head to Idaho. He will stop at our daughter’s place in Oklahoma City tonight and then head to Denver where he has a friend who will house him for the second night. It will be Idaho on Friday. God is so good at taking care of every detail. I am learning this lesson over and over. I was reminiscing this morning with Jesus about how He has changed me from one who continuously doubted His love for me to someone who can’t stop thanking Him for the endless love He has for me. The world needs to know that our God cares!

Yesterday was quite an amazing day. I parasailed with my granddaughter Faith. My two grandsons were going to do this along with my daughter. Faith had said she would do it if I would do it with her. Well, I said yes and we did it! The amazing thing to me was that even though I was nervous, I didn’t have the unraveling fear I’ve always had leading my decisions about fearful things. We were quite high up in the air so the height was the only part which kept me on edge. I’m glad I did it and so was Faith.

This morning I was stricken as I read the first part of II Timothy 3. This chapter was written for today. It is a message we need to be sure and take heed to for ourselves and make sure our children and grandchildren are well aware of its message. The other part of today’s scripture whIch I loved came from II Timothy 3:16. In the Passion it states: “God has transmitted his very substance into every Scripture, for it is God-breathed. It will empower you by its instruction and correction, giving you the strength to take the right direction and lead you deeper into the path of godliness.”

This year has been one where God’s Word has come to life for me just as this scripture says. I want to be sure that every one of my kids knows this as well as every one of my grandkids. God is speaking truth and His truth not only carries within it the truth, but it also carries within it God’s substance making it ALIVE!

Over the years I’ve found that when I traveled I looked to find evidence of God working when I arrived someplace. This morning I found myself being challenged with the question–Am I bringing Christ into the picture wherever I travel? I have known many people in my own life who have been examples of this. My grandma Wretling is at the top of this list. She simply brought Jesus into the picture wherever she was by simply being there. It wasn’t always with words, but by the way she made decisions and lived her life.

I am not sure what God is wanting me to do with this today. I just know He wants me to be a light for Him by my example as well as by my words. So, today I surrender myself to Him.

It was fun to experience meeting a couple of our grandson’s friends last evening. Dante wanted to have us take them to dinner with us which we did. I found it fascinating to talk with them for a couple of hours over dinner. They, like Dante, have a definite future in mind for themselves. They have goals and a purpose for living. They may not have come from the “idyllic home”, but they have determined to have their lives make a difference.

I found myself admiring these three young men. I knew from an early age I was not going to let my life at home affect what my life was going to be like as I could grow up and live life on my own. Of course, life didn’t turn out the way I had planned. I wanted life to obliterate the past I had. Yet, I have found that God does use everything in our lives to promote His Kingdom. Our lives become a beacon of light for others when we put all of it into God’s Hands to be used for His purposes.

I never thought I would be using my life as a counseling tool for God. I thought I needed to hide it so I could be useful to Him. Well, what I’ve found is being committed to God’s purposes in my life is the most important part of serving Him. He uses all things in our lives as we surrender all of them to Him.