Have you ever felt sadness that seemed overwhelming? It takes your breathe away to the point you don’t know if you can breathe the next breath. As a kid growing up I knew this sadness. When I was on the farm I’d run up the hill and off to the fields there so no one would hear me sob and scream not knowing what to do with all it meant. As I was in my teen years I learned to replace this sadness/helplessness with a strong determination that wouldn’t let the behaviors of my dad or brother penetrate it. I was stronger than their behaviors were.

As God has been working to let me know how to allow Him to be my strength rather than my own determination, I’ve had to recognize just how weak I am in my humanness. Yesterday I had a moment of this. My Oklahoma kids are not going to be able to come for Christmas. Also yesterday I was informed that I can no longer go to my schools until their counties are not in the red. These two messages hit at the heart of me–family and students/education. This morning as I was journaling to Jesus I couldn’t help but recall the feelings of my childhood being the only other time I’ve felt this level of sadness hitting me. The sadness seems to be wrapped into a helplessness which I can do nothing about.

As I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, He prodded me to look at Him rather than at me. II Corinthians 12:10 says, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” When the sadness of yesterday hit me I wanted to immediately put up the shield I knew from childhood, but I found I couldn’t and shouldn’t. The news I’d received wasn’t abuse, it was a sad reality of today. It was then I could give it to Jesus asking Him to help me surrender me so I could be strong in His Love and Grace during this time.

Growing in Christ is not always an easy thing. In fact, it is quite difficult at times. Yet, the outcome of the commitment results in another lesson learned: When I am weak, then I can be strong.

The site seems to be down this morning so I’m attempting to use the app to write today’s entry. Yesterday I wrote about using the team God provides for us. I’m always surprised when I do write these to find myself being challenged to make it true for me. Even at my age I still want to reach the age where temptations cease. Today I want to tell myself—“good luck with that!”

Reaching out for help is always the right thing to do. God embraces us when we obey His scriptures direction. Tonight I teach the lesson on Sponsor for our Celebrate Recovery group. This characteristic is one to watch for in a good sponsor.

I love and appreciate that God never gives up on us. Thank you Jesus!

The journey does continue, and with it are God’s challenges to me. God has been so gracious in the past six months to free me from the old belief system that I am unworthy of God’s Love. Included in this was the belief that I could never be good enough for the Holy Spirit to find residence in me. Learning the 3-R’s: Recognize, Rebuke and Replace have been the tool for this learning. Once I recognized the lies of my old beliefs I could then replace them with the 3-S’s: Self-love, Self-appreciation and Self-confidence. During all of this time I have also learned that such focus on “self” is not arrogant as my dad would say. It is actually the 3rd S–self-confidence. When I was finally able to replace unworthiness with self-confidence (by believing this), I found my pride wanted to make self capitalized–SELF. I saw within me the desire to be strong in ME alone. God teaches that to be strong it takes a team: God, ourselves and someone we trust. Self is 1/3 of the team. So in order to love myself and appreciate all God wants for me I need to recognize the rest of the team and use them “…one day at a time, one moment at a time accepting hardship as a pathway to peace”. Our own pride coupled with Satan’s continuous tempting lies, will quickly create an arrogant, self-confident, stubborn human who will look just like this–arrogant.

I write all of this today because I can now see how quickly one can take these gifts God has offered us and turn them into flesh rather than gifts. To appreciate self, one has to recognize that self alone in the flesh can quickly be prideful, arrogant, stubborn for all the wrong reasons. God is asking us to use the team He provides to keep us balanced and spiritually stable. It has taken me a long time to shift from the fears of being like my brother and dad and using them as my spiritual barometer, to letting Jesus Christ become my barometer and looking only to Him with the daily help of my team.

Two weeks and three days ago my sis just older than me had a serious stroke. For four days she was on a ventilator and in an induced coma. All of us wondered if she was going to stay with us here on earth. On that 4th day I placed her on our church’s prayer chain and within 3 hours she was off the ventilator and awakening. Now, 17 days after the stroke, she is going back home. Her older son will be staying with her 24/7 continuing the therapies which he was taught by the therapy unit where she has been for the past week. It is such a miracle! All of us praise God for His abundant Grace and healing.

Last night our quartet sang for a gentleman who is dying. He has been battling a blood cancer and has now developed pneumonia. (This was in his home by the way. We would never be allowed to do this in a hospital due to current situations). What an inspiring moment in time to see him and his wife lifted in spirit with the message of ministering songs. When we sang, “How Great Thou Art”, his face simply glowed. When this ended they said this was their Christmas gift. I’m always amazed when we go to give a gift of music to someone/s to only find the greater gift is ours. The tears would well up inside of me as we’d sing and I’d try to keep my eyes on him. I find it amazing how the gift of giving completes itself in every direction when it comes from God’s heart to yours/ours. To serve our God is such an honor!

Today I return to the schools for which I am assigned. This will be their last week before Christmas break and each of them are able to meet in person rather than on-line. I’m glad for that.

As I began to journal and asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, I was urged to close my eyes. I did this but truly saw nothing but darkness until I opened them while still standing. It was then that I saw my reflection in the window. My arms upstretched towards heaven. I sensed God’s Spirit saying that this is the pose He wanted from me throughout today and each day–keeping myself focused on Him all through the day.

As I began my devotional reading, its focus was on clouds in our lives. The author said the clouds represent troubles, problems, others close to us in distress. He went onto say that if in our clouds we only see the people struggling, we will be in distress too. However, in the clouds of our lives, God wants us to see HIM. If He is truly our Savior and Lord, if He truly is Almighty, if He is truly our God of Mercy and Grace, and if we truly believe this, then in our clouds we should not stop looking until we only see God. It is then we can Trust that no matter what the clouds are representing to us, we see only God in them.

I needed this message this morning. I am going into this day with my hands and arms lifted toward heaven–to my God Almighty! It is He I see in the clouds!

Today is the Lord’s Day. As I was journaling this morning and asking for God’s leading in some activities taking place for which I am leading, He reminded me that He leads best when I am surrendered. My word, I instantly shifted from asking to surrendering. The activities I’m leading are ones which I have a good deal of background, so of course, I feel confident in doing them. I just wanted God to lead. However, as soon as He pointed out my need to surrender I realized how many times I have lead and had the activity only partially complete itself. I’m so glad for God’s Spirit speaking His Truths. Surrender is always what I want to do and so often neglect. Today, I am surrendered.

The Serenity Prayer tells us “…one day at a time, one moment at a time….” This guidance we apply to hardships all the time. Today I am reminded that it applies to all days and all things. Surrendering to Jesus each and every day and each moment of the day allows Christ to be Lord as well as our Savior. I thank God for this powerful reminder.

The message of yesterday’s post continues into today. As I begin to examine my heart I can see clearly the selfishness in it. Replacing the selfishness is no easy task. As I began my devotions today I read in one of them that change of heart comes from obedience to God’s Word. Our heart desires “human things”. God’s heart desires spiritual things and He wants us to have the desires of His Heart. But, in order to desire God’s Heart, we must confess our own heart desires as they conflict with His and let His Holy Spirit be what replaces our selfish spirit. God’s Word says in Roman 10:9, “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” This is step one.

The second step seems to be what James 5:16 tells us: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” The obedience of this verse is the more difficult one I find for me. Who ever wants to confess their sin/s to someone else? But, in order to be healed, this is God’s directive. I know this for me and I’ve seen this so many times for others. And, it’s not a one time thing. When we are tempted to sin it is best to tell so one can break the temptation. Satan’s deceptive ways and our own human selfishness want to play this down. However, there is never any freedom in following our flesh. But, there is always tremendous freedom in obeying God’s Word. This is today’s focus.

Today’s journey started as it typically does: a cup of coffee, journaling, devotional reading, bible reading and praying over prayer list. When I asked Jesus while journaling what He wanted me to know for today, I sensed my need to address what I soon knew to call my heart. I read two devotionals. The first talked about the purity of God’s Word. It is always pure no matter what twist man may want to give it. The second devotional talked about the way of purity. The author said if we don’t recognize the evil desires of our heart we can never know the purity God’s Holy Spirit wants to replace it with. Lastly, my bible reading was the closing chapters of II Samuel. David had his mighty men do a census of his kingdom. David is known to be a man after God’s heart. However, for a moment he listened to his own prideful heart wanting to know the “man strength” of his kingdom. He paid a big price for this, and he learned a powerful lesson.

I write all of this because God is wanting me to see my own prideful heart, the things I want/desire which aren’t pleasing to God and go against the purity of God’s Spirit. I have said before and I’ll write it here again, my barometer for measuring purity of heart wasn’t using scripture, it was using dad’s behaviors. I had thought I was beyond this, but this morning God politely, but solidly, showed me where this isn’t the case as of yet. I was able to use the 3-R’s to address them: Recognize, Rebuke and Replace.

I never wanted to look in this world like my dad. However, I was looking at what man saw: actions. Today I saw what God sees–a selfish heart. It wasn’t the actions, it was the heart motivating the actions that God wanted me to see today. He and I are taking care of that. How I praise Him!

The young man I mentioned a couple days ago whose wife’s words gave him a glimmer of hope, called last night and again early this morning. The message has changed from one of hope to one of no hope. Of course he is devastated. He has an interview this afternoon for a new job he hopes to get. I prayed with him that today would be a day where he would be surprised by seeing and sensing God’s presence both in him and around him. Please join me in this.

Tonight is our Christmas blessings with our Celebrate Recovery group. We annually do this and it always seems to be just what it is called–a blessing. When one is in crisis, which so many are who come to Celebrate Recovery, it is difficult to see the blessings we have. I have had those times in my life and there were those around me who helped me see the blessings I couldn’t without their help. God is wanting us to let His Light shine through us in our words and in our presence for those we know who are in their own crisis.

What a magnificent God we serve. This same God who helped us through our most difficult times is still the God who is helping His children today. An even greater blessing is that we get to join Him in this help as we allow our hurts, hang-ups and habits to no longer be secrets of shame, but instead, be tools in God’s toolbox.

Yesterday afternoon I talked with my sis Bonnie. I could hardly believe she sounded like herself. There was no weakness in her voice and she laughed as well as cried. As she cried so did I as it was such a blessing to hear her talking! How much I praise God!

One of our step study men called last night to talk about hope. He and his wife have been headed to a divorce and his wife has moved out. However, she had come over the night before and expressed some desire to work things out. We talked a lot about what “things” needed to be worked out. There has been a good deal of hurt in their few years of marriage and this is what we agreed needed to be addressed–not things. Coming this far with the step study lessons, he could see this clearly. It is amazing what a glimmer of hope does for a person. All of a sudden the phone calls which had been about loss, sorrow, complaining, etc., turned to questions about rebuilding and remaking. There was an entirely different inflection in the voice. Hope is genuinely a gift of God.

This GOD we get to serve is Amazing! Just when one can only see darkness, a LIGHT shines through and it penetrates all darkness. How blessed it is to experience this LIGHT!