How much I hate being human.  The depth of all its grip on us (me) is overwhelming.  I just don’t see my humanness until after the fact way too often.  God has certainly been teaching me of late about my humanness and that impact on my family members.  Late yesterday afternoon I went to check on another vehicle with my daughter.  It turned out to be another incident much like all the others.  There was one vehicle which my grandson and I thought was an excellent choice but it just didn’t come close to fitting the wants of the driver.  I walked away knowing this was not my battle.  My grandson and I enjoyed the evening together letting go of the vehicle issue for a while.

This morning I am reminded once more of the Almighty Power of God.  However, it is not obtainable unless each one is wanting God to be in control.  Our part is so often to get our thinking aligned with His instead of trying to align God’s thinking with ours.  I’m reading in Ephesians now.  The 4 chapter is quite different than the 5th chapter of Galatians which told me all about the fruits of the Spirit.  Today’s chapter is telling me about the evil of human thinking and actions if The Holy Spirit is not in control.  I can only live in The Holy Spirit if I surrender my flesh and selfishness.  The other thing hitting me is that I can only surrender for myself. Each of us has to surrender for ourselves.  We cannot surrender for one another.  The one thing I do know is that God is Almighty and He will be God when all of this is over.  I continue to stand amazed in His Presence!

You know how I said yesterday that when I know I’m being nudged to do something by the Holy Spirit, I jump from starting it in love to determining what the end result is to look like–my self-control?  Well, I did exactly that yesterday.  Of course I do this of my own flesh without any recognition of such.  My working with my youngest daughter to find her a replacement car ended fruitless again yesterday.  I realize that Kathy and I are leaving next Tuesday for a week to visit my sis’s in S. California.  I have in my mind this must be done before we go.  So, last night I awoke about 2;15 am extremely anxious because this isn’t coming together as “I planned”.  I knew to surrender this thinking but that surrender would last about 2 seconds before the anxiety owned me again.  My mind was whirling.

This morning while wrestling with God and Team (Jesus and Holy Spirit) regarding all of this, I was informed that I have a lesson here that is much bigger than buying a car. I won’t go into all the details of this but they connect to cutting apron strings.  We parents can get overly controlling while trying to help in so many situations with our kids.  God was showing me the details of this and said I need to do my role as family leader in helping start the process.  When this clarity came out into the open through journaling this morning, the anxiety left.  Now I can see clearly what I need to do so that buying a car doesn’t simply create new bondage.  We can help, but we don’t want to control.

Not so long ago all of this would have led me right into isolation where I was always very vulnerable to Satan’s attacks.  Today, I’m much more ready to face this with God’s Holy Spirit within.  I know to start with Love and to continue with Self-Control.  I’m not sure when the right vehicle will be found but I’m leaving this detail in God’s hands.  I’ll do what I know to do and we will go from there.  Thank you Father!

I just reread yesterday’s blog entry.  Good grief, I knew I was in a hurry to finish it, but I thought I’d proofed my writing better than I had.  Sorry for the writing/grammar errors.

I mentioned yesterday about how the Holy Spirit is awakening itself so much more to me.  Actually, I’m becoming so much more aware of my human flesh and how it separates from spiritual self.  Paul writes about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5.  They start with love and end with self-control.  In between are joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness and faithfulness.  I use to think that I was exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit when I was being kind or something along this line.  However, I’m learning now that if my efforts don’t start with love and exhibit these other characteristics while ending in self-control, I am operating in the flesh and driven by selfish desire rather than spiritual insight.  In fact, Joyce Meyer says the fruit of the Spirit start and end with love and self-control because they are the starting and ending pieces of the Spirit’s work.  If I am nudged to do something I know is right I immediately have a notion of what it will look like when it is done (this is usually in my flesh).  So, I have always approached working with someone with the end result in mind.  However, I’m learning that I must keep the self-control in front of me.  Getting something started may only be planting the seed to start.  I then need to back away so The Holy Spirit can work with the outcome He wants, not what I had thought it should be.

Recently one of our Celebrate Recovery guys wanted to improve (in his mind) our sound system.  He went to a couple people in the church’s leadership to tell them of what he’d like to have done.  However, in so doing, he didn’t get the answer he wanted and so he began to criticize and it ended poorly.  He called me and was quite upset.  His intent was good but no self-control was used.  It was good to plant the seed but to expect to harvest the crop all in the same conversation wasn’t happening.  He and I will talk more about this tonight when I see him.  He was so upset with himself he wanted to quit CR.  I reminded him to stay the course.  We are all learning on this road to recovery.  God’s insight for me this morning was good for me to know and timely for me to share.  Now, I need to do this sharing with the same love and self-control.

There is an aspect of The Holy Spirit I’m beginning to awaken to which is coming out of reading Galatians.  I’m wondering if the pastors I’ve had over the years were reading what I’m going to write, would question if I ever paid attention to any of their sermons.  I’ve known for years that Corinthians contains the Love chapter:  I Corinthians 13.  I always felt like that is what I’m to read when I need to be nicer to people and particularly to Kathy and my kids, grandkids.  Yes, it applies to friends too but being nice to most of them isn’t much of a struggle.  I do not mean to be trite as I write any of this.

Today in finishing up the book of Galatians, which is all about living the spirit-filled life, (the fruit of the Spirit) that I connect these two writings of Paul.  Paul is writing to the Corinthians telling them to live out of love with everyone around them.  Now Paul is telling the Galatians that in order to live life lovingly, we must do so with God’s Holy Spirit leading from within us.  Our flesh will turn every good intent back to us if we attempt to live life lovingly by flesh.  Now that I’m awakening so much more to The Holy Spirit’s presence within me, I can see the way I live by flesh and need to replace my actions with ones tempered by The Holy Spirit’s nudges.  Let me give an example.  Yesterday while I was with my daughter looking at a couple vehicles, all was ending well and Angie was going to do some checking on some items needing investigated from her insurance co., etc.  We were going to pick back up today when she and I are done with our work.  Later in the day she had been gone back to the dealership and had become greatly distressed.  Instead of addressing her distress in my flesh as I would typically do, I felt nudged to simply ask her to let this go for now.  We would tackle it when we weren’t wanting to attack someone.  The Holy Spirit had other work to do right now and our work wasn’t aligning with The Spirit’s work.  I also reminded her that when God shows us the right vehicle she will know the confirmation.

God is wanting me to learn to live by His Holy Spirit’s leading in my life and I am wanting to do so too.

Yes, the journey continues.  Yesterday I journaled about the 3 things I had been struggling to work through.  God had told me about my timing vs His circumstances and how He makes our timing fit into His eternal planning once circumstances are right.  I need to be patient and trust Him rather than fear outcomes that have not even occurred.  The one situation had been addressed by Saturday night.  The second one was dealt with yesterday and the third one I thought at first was being dealt with yesterday.  Then, things skidded to a halt and ended.  During the night last night I awoke several times very troubled.  I kept surrendering circumstances knowing the work to be done was God’s and not mine.  Trust is such a hard thing at these points for me.

This morning I was in the midst of journaling.  I had just written the question asking God and His Team what they wanted me to know from them this morning?  I had written as their first response, “Be still and know that I Am God.”  I was starting to write more when I could hear my cell phone ringing in the family room.  It was the one I had the troubles with last night.  In answering it and listening it seems God had been working all along.  Now that doesn’t surprise me really, but it just makes me tingle and smile.  God is so amazingly timely.  I’m being vague in details here because the people involved are closely connected to me.  They would see themselves if they read this.  I want them and all readers to know that God is to be trusted always and is so lovingly supportive of us.  Our fears so quickly set in when circumstances don’t come together as we wish.  Now that I can clearly see that my fears are the stark opposite of trust, I never want to act on them again.  I want to wait upon God so I can see what is behind the fear, address it, and return to trust.  Learning to trust, replacing fear with it, is my ultimate goal.

I have read the New Testament through so many times in my life that I’m not even sure–as though it matters.  When I was younger I did keep track thinking somehow I would have learned enough about God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit to warrant my redemption and living in heaven for eternity.  I didn’t really mean to be doing this to look like the Pharisees in the Old Testament, but that is exactly what I was doing.  Now that I am learning to depend on Spirit living I am seeing just how much of my life was lived by rules rather than by surrender and faith.

When this weekend started I had three things troubling me.  They were all connected to family members.  Yesterday morning I felt nudged to address the one and it is now resolved–not in a flesh way, but with God’s insights and everyone feeling God’s freedom.  This morning in my devotional time I was shown that today is the day to address another one of them.  I will do this at the right time today.  The third one will be done when the nudge and clarity comes.  As I was journaling about these three this morning God was bringing some insights forth.  First, I have always thought timing was measured by our earthly time.  God’s timing is always when circumstances are right with those involved.  These two would often clash when I used earthly time to determine readiness.  I didn’t give credible attention to the fact that earthly time is also in God’s Hands.  When circumstances are right, God ensures timing is also right.  This is a huge step in faith living for me.

The other thing God brought clarity to this morning was when I wrote in my journal,
“I surrender so You can take charge.”  As soon as I had that written I felt nudged to correct my thinking for God doesn’t remove our ability to have choice.  I then rewrote the sentence to read: “When I am fully surrendered to You, You have fullness of opportunity to complete Your purposes and ways using me.  This is what I want and choose.”  Spirit living is a big step into FAITH.  I want to stay here the rest of my earthly life.  Join me if you are sensing the same nudge.

The practice of living in spirit rather than in flesh is a genuine impact on our entire living process.  Having this past week just to myself at home with my grandson who is gone most of the time, I was able to see and learn some things about spiritual living.  Of course it is always easier to live a certain way when there is nothing challenging it.  When I picked up the three from the airport yesterday the change was instant.  Now there are others in our life.  Trying not to live in my flesh is not so easy when there is a car full of flesh and then a house of the same.  It is a lot like going to college to learn to teach and then go into a classroom to find that everything you thought you knew just doesn’t take care of 25-35 kids’ needs.  Flesh truly interferes with spirit.

As I was having my devotional time this morning I was reading the first two chapters of Galatians.  Paul is writing to the Christians in Galatia about his confronting Peter about trying to live to please the Jews while with the Gentiles.  Peter was attempting to please man instead of following what Christ had taught him.  I  found myself putting my own behaviors yesterday into that setting.  Paul was seeing Peter living in flesh rather than by God’s Spirit at that moment and he confronted Peter.  Yesterday I found myself overly tempted to live by flesh and respond with flesh.  I would almost instantly sense the difference but would not always respond as though I had.

This morning God was helping me sort through the fullness of spirit living.  The new creation God gave us when Christ was asked into our heart is the beginning of wholeness.  The impact of wholeness is only as complete as our willingness to let God complete His Good Work within us.  This is done by allowing The Holy Spirit to have full voice and me responding to His Voice as He would nudge me.  It seems to come in three different areas of my life:  my work life, my ministry life and my family life.  I’m going to be spending time consciously letting The Holy Spirit awaken me to living in the fullness of Him in me while I move in and out of these three areas.  I do want God to have complete control of me but this will only happen when I am willing to surrender fully, in all areas of my life.  This I want to do.

Welcome to Groundhog Day!  When I was a new principal literally 38 years ago I had a surprise party for the staff on this day.  The winter had been very gloomy so I had a baker create a sheet cake with a very cute groundhog on top.  We all laughed, had our party and went back to being gloomy.  The party didn’t change the weather, just gave us a moment of laughter in it.

I didn’t get yesterday’s blog written until noontime for reasons I stated in it.  What I wrote about in finding a boundary that had been destroyed from the abuse of my childhood still grips me.  It makes such good sense now that I’ve lived in the truth of it for 24 hours.  Hatred is not a sin.  It is an intense emotion that gives us all kinds of potential responses.  It is the response to hatred that can be sin.  Many years ago I was told in a learning environment that hatred is the counter of love.  Both are intense in what they generate within us.  One cannot hate unless they had once loved I was told.  I so wanted to love my dad but I deeply hated how he treated us (me).  I loved my brother but I hated what he did to me.  I loved the tenderness of God but I hated the fact He never stopped my brother or dad.  I loved dearly my mother but I hated that she never once checked up on me when she knew how much I’d been hurt.  Now that I’ve had time to process the boundary that hate creates I can easily see why I needed to know to not only hate the consequences of sin, but the sin itself.  I do feel hatred intensely.  It is a perfect boundary for not stepping into the sin I now hate.   This reality is also showing me that even though I want to know love intensely, I also fear it.  As a little kid we eagerly go to the people in our lives we are to love.  However, when that “eager going” brings us to the pain of abuse it causes love to be very tainted in our minds.  We start creating boundaries around what love is intended to be. and don’t even know we are doing so.

In my devotional time this morning as I was journaling, God pointed out that He wants me to let love become a natural part of my life.  As I wrote this I wanted to withdraw for in simply hearing this message in my head and writing it, I instantly got anxious.  However, the anxiety didn’t cause me to flee, just get tense.  I do want to know the freedom of love both in giving and receiving without the bondage of fear.  As the journey continues this is going to be an assignment I cannot even begin to imagine how it will play out.  I just told The Holy Spirit I wanted to take part in His Plan.  Now that I am comfortable with Him being within me I realize love has to be a great motivator and not a fear.  So, To God be all Glory.

So today brings clearly into focus something I’ve needed to see all my life.  Last night at Celebrate Recovery our testimony was focused on reestablishing boundaries which were either broken for us or sometimes ones we’ve broken for our children because of co-dependency on our part.  Coupled with this, The Holy Spirit living in me has been awakening what I said yesterday about hating not only the effects of sin, but sin itself.  Satan’s deception has a way of allowing us to easily see the ugliness of sin’s effect on others and us, but it keeps us from seeing just how ugly the sin itself is.  The sin itself is something we use to salve the pain we hide, the hurts we don’t want anyone to know about and so on.

(By the way, this is the latest in the day blog writing I’ve ever done.  I had started this early this morning but had an important call and am just now getting back to it.  I needed to go to work for a few hours too.  The meaning is still very relevant to me so I’m going ahead and writing this now.)

Last night in the share group of Celebrate Recovery, I told the men how much I was learning to hate both the sin and the effects of it.  I needed to hate both and see them separate of one another.  Actually, in seeing them differently, I was then able to see how much I’d always hated the effects of the sin, but how much I sometimes craved the sin itself.  I craved it because it was the one thing that either salved the pain or it would replace it for a moment.  Of course, then I’d have the guilt and shame to deal with.  But even dealing with it I would find the sheer bitterness and raw hurt was pushed down at least for a while.  I write all of this because this morning as I was journaling to God He allowed me to see something I’ve not yet seen.  When I started yesterday saying out loud that I hate the sin called porn I found myself with a new boundary.  I hadn’t noticed this until I finally had the sin itself on the outside of me.  It didn’t own me if it were on the outside of me and I seeing it there never wanted it back in me again.  The boundary that had been shattered for me when I was very young is returning.  I’d never seen hate as a boundary, but I do know for a fact that I’ve never participated in many things in my life simply because I hated what I knew it would do to me or what I’d seen it do to others that I loved.  Now, all of a sudden, I knew to hate something I’d not understood fully until now.

So, now back to the first paragraph.  God and His Holy Spirit within me has shed Light on a something I can truly say I hate and never want it to try and own me again.  Praise the Lord!

Yes, the journey does continue.  Yesterday was an emotionally jolting day.  As I was having my devotions and wrestling with the idea of spirit living I had text one of our pastors to meet with him.  He has a much more solid background in this topic so I wanted to anchor some thinking with him.  We set lunch to do this.  I spent the morning doing things here I needed to get done and was headed out the door when my youngest daughter called.  She said she’d been given a letter to move out of her place of work by 3:00 pm yesterday and could I help?  This totally rearranged my afternoon, but she had work to do until 1:30 so that gave me time to still meet for lunch.  As we finished loading her furniture and business things from the room she started coughing and then could hardly breathe.  We got the things to her house, unloaded and she left for the doc.  After waiting 2.5 hrs and still not being seen him she went home.  She is going back today. She also got a call that her car from the wreck two weeks ago has been totaled.

I kept wondering what I could do differently to help make things better?  At quartet practice last night I asked the guys to pray for her.  I was then informed about two other very serious items to pray about for them which is severely impacting a couple people I know well.  As I was having my devotional time with God this morning I read about my need to be righteous conscience rather than sin conscience as I address myself and God.  As a new creation I have righteousness within me because of the Holy Spirit living in me.  It was amazing to see the difficult situations of yesterday from a righteous perspective rather than a sin one.  Human living is always impacted from sin.  God asks us to shift our focus to Him and see through His Spirit’s eyes.  Seeing sin and its impact on living is emotionally devastating.  However, when seeing all of this through righteousness, one sees a pathway from these traumas directly to God through the path Jesus Christ made for us (me).  God uses all things to His Glory if we will turn to Him.

Today my journey’s assignment is to stay focused on righteousness rather than sinfulness.  This assignment is mine as I see others and also as I see myself.  Join me if this fits for you too.