It is not quite as easy for me to sit down and write this blog when life seems to be on a hiatus.  I come home for a couple days without Kathy which is no new thing for us.  However, this time I got the work done I wanted to do and then some things came up which I’m not sure about.  I got a call yesterday from the man who is starting the Aslan Christian Academy.  He is asking if I’d like to be vice president of the organization?  The job description would fit my background fine but these things are ones I like to have God’s stamp of approval before saying yes.  Right now this academy is unable to move forward in getting started because the property we were to build on has been pulled.  We are looking for a new location.  The director is fine with all this but these things leave me in a quandary that I need time to sort through.  There are so many steps to be taken:  fund raising being at the top, certificates from Health and Welfare for housing these troubled girls, etc.

As I was addressing these items with the Lord this morning I sensed He simply wanted me to move forward with this and take by faith the fact that He will shed His Light as we take each step.  Once again, these gray areas are more difficult for me.  I’d like Light right now but God is wanting to grow me.  The lady who I asked to be my prayer warrior said when I am up against a struggle I need to adjust my helmet.  God gives each of us His armor as stated in Ephesians 6:11.  When my thinking/fears/anxieties are in the way of God’s work and its timing, I need to adjust my helmet so it is in alignment.  Right now I know I’m in a time of waiting so I need to learn the characteristics God wants me to be at this time.  I’m pretty good at being patient when I know what I’m doing, but having it when I’m waiting without a distinct plan is another item.  OK, I’m on an assignment that I need to have.  I’m adjusting my helmet for today and away I go.  I’ll keep you posted.

The weekend in Wallowa is over for me.  I came back yesterday with the very daughter I blogged about a couple days ago.  It is a 4 hour drive so we had time to talk while her two youngest boys slept and the dog was quiet.  It was nice to have the time and it was an easy conversation time.  Thank you God.

Yesterday there were more at my sis-in-law’s house than my family.  Her oldest brother and wife were also there and they rise as early as I do.  We took our time for devotions but it wasn’t easy to slip away and write this blog so I simply chose to skip the day and be with them.  This brother-in-law was diagnosed with a terminal cancer less than a year ago.  The doctors have him on experimental drugs but his own words were that there is no cure–only extended time.  His spirits are great and he loves the Lord.  He says he has had a good life and he is most grateful for this.  It was good to be with him and his wife for a couple days.

Yesterday was also the birthday for my oldest living sis–Alice.  She is the one Kathy and I went to visit at the end of June.  She and Bonnie both live in S. Calif. very close to one another.  Alice was the first sibling that knew there was something emotionally wrong with me–long before I knew it.  She had asked me before I’d ever gone to counseling the first time if something was troubling me.  She could read it on my face.  She said I was stressed and she wondered why.  That has been over 25 years ago but I’ve always felt free to talk with her because she KNEW.  I loved that about her.  Now she is the one struggling with deteriorating health.  I wish I were closer so Kathy and I could be of more support for her.  She is one dear lady.

As I was journaling this morning I was somewhat anxious about what God wanted me to do the next couple days.  It was a nice reminder when He simply reminded me to thank Him for the beautiful summer morning–no wind, temperatures in the low 60’s, and the garden is starting in its prime.  So, I did thank Him.  I’ll do today what He puts before me and take it one moment at a time within the day.  Thank you Jesus Christ my Savior and Lord.  Your Light is brighter when I remember to thank you.

Today is my wife’s birthday.  We are in Wallowa County, OR so we can celebrate it with her family.  There is a large reunion planned for the afternoon where we will see aunts and uncles and cousins.  Also, some of Kathy’s siblings will be present so it will be nice to see them again.

I was journaling earlier this am during my devotional time about my relationship with my youngest daughter.  She arrived last night with her kids for the weekend.  Angie is adopted so there has always been some behavior patterns she exhibits which startle me–they aren’t like anything resembling Kathy or me.  I find myself taking a step away from the conversations because they are usually about drama which churns my stomach rather than pulls me in.  I’ve never known if this behavior of mine is due to dealing with all the drama of my childhood and dad’s emotional ups and downs or if I am just wired this way.  I was praying about this asking the Holy Spirit to help me connect with her spirit.  He gently nudged me into realizing my pattern of pulling away is an old self pattern.  Why wouldn’t I try to join her in my new creation where The Holy Spirit resides and has free reign?  Wow, this was a wake up for me.  Why would any dad want to be with their kids in their old self rather than the new creation God has given them?  So, I surrendered this behavior to Jesus and asked for help to stay in my new creation today.

Ok, I have a little more yard work to do for my sis-in-law before the party begins so out to the yard I go.

Today begins early morning in Joseph, OR.  The morning air is so cool it almost has a chill to it.  A nice break from the desert heat of home.  On our drive here yesterday I got a call from a close friend to pray for his son.  This son with his parents had earlier in the week gone to a recovery center for drug detox.  His call was to let me know that his son had walked away from the center the next morning and no one knew where he was.  Of course I prayed.  This young man is very close to me.  Within 15 minutes the father called again to say his son had just called.  He was at the home of a widow friend.  He wants to stay there and try to detox on his own.  I won’t step into this choice, but I will say that God is so good having the son call his dad.  That in and of itself is a wonderful answer to prayer.  God is so patient and good at taking each of us one step at a time.

The events of late for me have opened my eyes to a clearer reality I’d like to explain regarding my journey of present.  Not so long ago I would have been feeling fully exposed having had 8 conversations one on one with people about their abuse and my own.  I would be feeling raw and extremely vulnerable.  This isn’t true now.  Instead, these feelings have been replaced with the desire to pray diligently for these ones caught where I’ve been.  On July 31 I’m speaking to a group of youth at a detention center in Nampa, ID.  The chaplain for the center had read my book and asked for me to speak as many of these kids know my story first hand.  The anxiety I so recently knew is turning into a deep concern to do God’s Kingdom work.  No longer do I feel the paralysis of spirit to tell the raw truth of my past.  This is all God’s story of His redeeming power.  If others can benefit from this–to God be the Glory!

Not so long ago I wanted freedom from my past–I wanted this freedom to be the absence of my story and the raw, powerless feelings I had from its control of me.  God is replacing this with His definition of His freedom.  This freedom is to keep the story real and remove the raw, powerlessness.  He is replacing it with the strength to let this story be a torch of His Light and His Love.  Only God does such work as this.  My selfishness wanted the story removed.  God, instead, wanted my story to be our story which made Him the main character.   I’m so grateful for the purifying power of His presence and for never answering my prayer.  I would never want to restrict God’s purposes for me.  I just want to say–thank you Lord.

Yesterday I started with the note regarding the phone message.  After I’d finished the post I called the friend who said she’d be my prayer warrior.  She prayed with me and gave me some sound scriptural advice like remembering to put on the armor of God.  I really appreciated that.  Nothing more came of this.  It was a good reminder to be on spiritual guard.

Last night one of our own men gave their testimony for the first time.  He has been coming to our Celebrate Recovery for about 2 years now.  He’d been part of another one for a couple years prior to that in another part of our state.  Much of his story centered around anger.  It triggered in me so much of the anger I grew up knowing and fearing from dad.  What was really beautiful however is that his story ends with him having made amends for all his choices earlier in his life.  It also goes on to describe how he’s learned to make quick amends for choices he makes in living life one day at a time.  I loved hearing all this.  It was a sad reminder that my dad died a sad man because even though he had his relationship with Christ, much pride remained and crippled him from addressing the mistakes he’d made and the relationships he’d injured.  I am most grateful God and my counselor had me repair this damage with dad prior to dad’s death.

Today Kathy and I leave for Wallowa, OR where she was born and raised.  Her birthday is Saturday and there will also be a family reunion from her mother’s side of the family that day.  They are a fun-loving bunch so we are looking forward to this.  I even get to do some yard work for Kathy’s sis where we will be staying.  For people who know me well, this is the motivation for me to go!

God continues to remind me and awaken me more fully to the reality of sin’s damage and man’s pride.  There are many, many people stuck in their past but crippled to address it out of fear/pride and things just like this.  He continues to remind me to be patient with them not knowing where and who He is working with, but to simply be ready to do the part He  wants me to do when the door opens.  He is the one who takes responsibility for opening  doors.  I want to trust always in Him.

This morning started as most do–having my devotions which end with my prayer time.  In this past week I’ve placed the ones I met with last week who are struggling with bondage of their past.  You know about this if you’ve read the blog posts.  Before starting this morning’s post I got my cell as I typically use it while writing when I need to find a scripture reference, etc.  There was a voice mail on it that I quickly listened to.  It wasn’t a number I recognized and the message was evil and disgusting–none like anything I’ve ever experienced.  I have a prayer folder which I grabbed and prayed the “prayer to remove demonic harassment”.  I have sensed in the last couple days that the messages posted are stepping into strongholds that have entangled so many of us in confusion, deception, shame and depression.  Yet, beyond a shadow of doubt I know I’m to be doing this.  I cherish your prayerful support.

Last night in our weekly step study for Celebrate Recovery the lesson topic was Forgiveness.  In everyone’s recovery this topic is huge.  It doesn’t matter if the reason for it stems from personal abuse or causing abuse to someone else, it is a huge topic.  The lesson defines three areas of forgiveness:  accepting God’s forgiveness, forgiving others who have hurt you and forgiving yourself.  A question each one must answer is which area of the three is the most difficult to accept?  Without exception the responses were forgiving self.  In all the step studies I been part of, this has been the common response.  I know from personal experience that the hardest thing to let go of is our own personal involvement in sin whether it is sin done to us in abuse or sin stepped into on purpose.  The ugly deception of sin deceives and binds.  But I also know that the New Creation Jesus Christ gave us does not live in this bondage any longer.  His Freedom is secure as long as we live in our new self one day at a time.

As I was concluding my journaling this morning I asked Jesus as I do each day what He wanted me to know from Him?  He said that He wanted me to live in today.  Today is where His Light shines.  Do not go into tomorrow for there lingers only the darkness of deception which creates our worry and anxiety.  I will strive to do this–Live in the Light of Jesus today–one day at a time, one moment at a time.  Please join me and thank you.

As I started my day today with my devotional time I needed to take the people I’ve met with recently to God and just sit before Him to find my next step.  All but two of them are working through their struggle with help from ministries and/or counseling.  The two that weigh most heavily on me were the ones stuck.  I made contact with one of the young men who is fearful of help in that people he trust also know his father.  The second one is a young man whose father met with me.  He has stepped into acting on his homosexuality.  His parents want to support him but are troubled by the spiritual truth regarding this action.

As I was bringing this struggle before God this morning I was reminded of my own story.  God was reminding me that when I was in my early 20’s I had no known man supporting me or no known man even aware that I was struggling so much.  On the other hand, God was fully aware.  He pointed out what I tell in my story of the ones He brought along side me.  These people helped me use the gifts God gave me for right purposes–Right purposes in God’s eyes.  I thought I was doing this to earn my value to God. God, on the other hand, used these as continuous gratifying moments in my life.  I was awakened that this is how I should be praying for these two young men.  Bare with me here–Sexual gratification is truly an exhilarating moment.  However, God has taught me over the years that there are other exhilarating moments from life when we are obedient to His leadership.  God tells us to not step into temptations that scripture has defined.  We think we are being robbed of the “sin’s gratification” because of this.  However, we never know the gratification God has waiting for us when we wait on Him.  I wasn’t conscious of what God was doing at this point in my life, but I can sure be praying for these moments for these young men.

I am not sure I’m making sense of this.  It is what I talked about with the dad I met with yesterday afternoon.  By the way, I did call the person God was laying on my heart to be a prayer warrior for these individuals and me.  She was very willing and said this is something she can do at this stage in her life–God’s timing is always perfect.

The Aslan Ministry needs a site.  Your prayers for this would be most appreciated.

I got up this morning realizing how much a couple weeks of continuous emotional strain weighs on a person.  If I ever wake up feeling exhausted it is usually because my allergies are screaming and I’ve not been able to sleep or breath during the night from them.  However, today seems to be more about enjoying a half a day without any real expectation.  God has been impressing upon me my need to start a prayer team to pray for those I’m meeting with as well as for my own spiritual/emotional strength and constancy.  So far He has given me one name and I will talk to them today.

At 3:00 pm today I am meeting with the father that I talked about yesterday.  I felt like I was giving a sermon when I wrote yesterday’s blog.  I never intend to preach a sermon as I never have been led to preach.  What burdens me in this picture of homosexuality in today’s world is the unscriptural premise it has.  Also, when those who oppose it speak forth they do so with such venom it makes the ones supporting the cause think all of us are venomous.  Having loved my brother dearly, yet hating his abuse of me, it is easy to separate the sin from the sinner–as Christ tells us to do.  The other thing that’s really frustrating for me is that there is nothing man can really do to “take away” this temptation.  No one can take away a person’s desire to drink or use drugs or gossip, etc.  No one can take away this temptation either.  However, I found myself journaling this morning to Jesus realizing my  reason to talk with this dad is to assure that this isn’t a man’s area to help.  Our role is to support and pray.  When the person is reaching out, that is the time for support.  When they are not reaching out, that is the time to pray.  This is a start at least.  When man tries to support when someone isn’t asking for it, it is usually received as intrusion or manipulation.  God is the one who does supernatural work–not man.  Overcoming temptation and sin is supernatural and it is what Christ does.   He does ask us to support the one in need in prayer.  All of this seems somewhat harsh.  If any reader wants to comment I’d appreciate the thoughts.

On a very different note, I’ve become part of the board supporting a ministry for trafficked girls.  I’ve talked about it.  It is called Aslan Christian Academy.  It seems we’ve lost the sight we thought was secure so I’d sure appreciate prayers for God’s light to shine on the right one.

Does two times in one week mean a habit is forming?  Both yesterday and today got a late start in writing the blog post.  Our company left this morning but said they’d like to have some of the garden veggies to take back with them.  So this am when I’d finished my devotions I went to the garden to dig potatoes and onions, pick some squash and cucumbers and finally pick a bucket of apricots.  They were planning to leave by 7:30 or so which was fine except I had to be at church by 8:00 am due to the worship I was helping lead today.  All this to say that I’m late again.  I hope this isn’t annoying to some of you that take the time to read these.

Yesterday afternoon I had a man text me that he’d like to meet as soon as we could find a common time.  His son had announced to their family that he was gay and had a partner.  This had been a troubling week for the family trying to adjust to this news and then how to handle moving forward with it.  He has recently read my book.  We are meeting tomorrow at 3:00 pm if you’d like to be praying for this time and for him and his family.  Sin is sin.  Temptation is temptation.  I say this because homosexuality is identified in scripture in some distinct ways as sin if it is taken beyond the temptation by acting on it.  Just as any other temptation becomes sin, it is all about the choice we have to surrender it to Jesus or to actively indulge in it.  This sounds so black and white to write it this way, but in reality, it is a black and white issue.  What isn’t so black and white is the struggle.  Our mind and our society have made this particular issue very perplexing from man’s point of view.  I do know that anyone with the struggle feels like they weren’t given a choice about it.  They have known this struggle from the time their sexuality began to develop.  That piece isn’t the choice we are in charge of.  The choice we take charge of is the one of stepping into the temptation to act on it.  I do not know life without same sex thoughts.  I’m sure my brother who was gay didn’t know life without them either.  What I’ve been asked is if my thoughts were due to his abuse?  I just say I don’t know and at this point in my life, it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that I keep God’s command in scripture as my guide.  I know that the pleasure man seeks from sexual participation is strong and hard to resist.  However, we will never know the strength and pleasure God has for us if we fulfill our own gratification by choosing other than what God’s scripture says.  The sexual temptation in the heterosexual world is just as sinful if it is taken out of the bounds of marriage as scripture also states.  God gives us His directions regarding this loving act.

God’s kingdom work is before (me) us.  I ask for your prayers as I move forward on my journey.  To God be the glory!

My journey today was interrupted from the start as far as man planning man’s day goes.  I walked into the kitchen about 6:00 am to get my first cup of coffee and have my devotions to find a guy waiting at my front door from our Celebrate Recovery group.  He had done this one other time when he had relapsed.  I expected a similar story.  However, today, he wanted to talk about his father who is critically ill in the hospital and his life in general.  By 8:00 he was on his way. I, on the other hand, was to meet a couple other people to look at some property for the Aslan Christian Academy I’ve recently begun supporting by joining their board.  The original property they thought they were going to be building on has gone awry.  All of this is another story but it has kept me from my original routine.  While I was talking with the potential land seller he shared that he was interested in helping trafficked teens because he was molested as a young child by a neighbor man and it had continued until he was about 10.  This led me to tell him about my story.  I ended up giving him a copy of my book which he seemed most appreciative receiving.

I was visiting at noon time with the gentleman who is staying with us this week along with his wife.  We were recapping how many times this week I have talked with abuse victims.  It has been an unusual amount:  5 in 6 days.  I always pray for this but am always stricken each time it happens.  It is just sadly true that there are many silent victims afraid to speak the truth of their hurts, hang-ups and/or habits for multiple reasons with guilt and shame almost always topping the list.  God is good however in that He is faithful in taking our mess and making it into His message of love and redemption.  To God be the Glory!