I am really glad today is here.  It is December 4th, the choir musical is this morning and when I come home about 12:30, it will be finished.  As I write this I realize that the old me would actually write this and spend the time this morning enduring the performances to the end knowing I didn’t do all I could.  This morning God showed me something I haven’t realized until now.  (He has been showing me many of my character defects of late).  The old self has always known he wasn’t able and the light was only on him and these weaknesses.  Today, God broadened the scope of His Light for me so I could see a bigger picture.  One of the things I’ve struggled with in doing big productions is the time factor weighing against the worthwhileness of the production in bringing people to God’s kingdom.  We all spend so much time in prep and see nothing in fruit from it except the sayings like:  “Oh, that was wonderful”, “Wow, you guys did a great job”, “I loved it when….”, etc.  Today, God showed me that these times are seed planting times.  Today’s event is very emotionally stirring.  It surfaces things people bury–what Celebrate Recovery calls our Denial.  It is events like this that awaken the need for people to reach out to a ministry that can help them find the PEACE OF CHRISTMAS.

The burden of doing well in the program is my part as well as each of the others involved.  It is God’s Holy Spirit that will ignite within those who come their need to address what may be buried.  The new creation I now am can join this group effort.  I can stay in the spirit of the program praying for those who experience it and need to be awakened.  I lose this opportunity to be God’s servant if I stay in my old self worrying about “my part”.  It is amazing the peace that comes when God enters the picture fully because it is now HIS PICTURE that I’m participating in.  I help plant the seeds and let God do His part.  How Great God Is.  I love being one of His gardeners!

Wouldn’t you know that the day following the one where I expressed my struggles facing issues that I can’t control or facing temptations that haunt me, I’d have a devotional time which squarely addresses it.  When Satan attacks he wants to “kill, steal and destroy every good that God has in mind”.  For the first time this morning I see that his goal isn’t to kill, steal and destroy what God has in mind solely for me, His ultimate goal is to show God he has control of His creation–you and me.  I am nothing but a pawn to him.  His deception doesn’t want me to realize this, but the evidence of the truth which sets us free tells a different story.

God wants total surrender from me.  The evidence of this full surrender is the fruit of the Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering, gentleness and self-control.  In these we find true joy.  When we step into a selfish act we find joy missing.  Yesterday was a day where the joy could have been easily missed, but God had a different plan, He wanted me to know from yesterday that joy is found from obedience to Him.  He is such an amazing God as well as friend.  How I want to continue to awaken to His Ways for me.

Today is the 3 hour dress rehearsal for tomorrow’s choir musical at church.  My guts ache as I write this just from the sheer knowing I will have to do it without script in front of me.  I only sing throughout but memorizing has always been one of those nemeses for me.  It is one of those which makes me want to flee and never sing in something like this again–ever.  Then I look at those characteristics given from obedience:  love joy, peace…. and compare them to what Satan wants:  kill, steal and destroy what good God has in mind.  I quickly see who I’d be succumbing to if I fled.  My trust is in my God and my obedience is to Him.  How I love our Father.

I was up at 4:20 am today to catch my flight from Lewiston back to Boise.  By the time I got home I was going to skip today’s entry but felt immediately checked because the day is part of my journey–even though it isn’t so great.  Somehow it is much nicer to do this blog when I am reporting positive growth or awakenings.  Today it seems I am finding problems and issues and it would be much easier to skip the day since I’m starting late, but I do know that we all have days like this so how does God tell us to handle them?  Well, I did my devotions when I got home and He has already reminded me that I am to recognize I am a new creation everyday–not some days.  He also reminded me that I have accountability support and that I don’t need to carry burdens alone.

I am awfully glad to be home so I can work through what needs to be done from here.  I also feel much more connected to support when I am home even though a text or call happens just as quickly a few hundred miles away–proximity is sometimes important.

So, everyday isn’t a perfect day, but keeping focused on the fact that God is my Lead as a new creation and I am to surrender all of this frustration.  I can watch it come together as the day goes on just like any other time when I sense this.  So, thank you Father God.  You are not only my Strength, you are my calm assurance.

Today’s journey has me in North Idaho conducting a review of programs in a school district.  I am working with some amazing people and the review is going well.  As I begin to get closer to each of the ones I meet and work with I want to step into their walk with God.  This morning as I was journaling I asked God to open the doors for this to happen.  When I asked God later in the journaling what He wanted me to know for the day, he said, “I want to remind you that I don’t need your zeal to replace mine.  I want you to act on the opportunities I create, not the ones you create.  Know the difference.  If you listen to My Holy Spirit you will know when to plant the seeds I give you.”

Boy, did I need this.  I will be leaving the district at the end of the day and I was thinking I had to be sure and know that each one was grounded in their walk with God–at least I feel compelled to address this.  God’s reminder was a good grounding for me.  He is in charge and I want it that way.  To God be all Glory.

This journey of today has me squared away in the middle of the week I dreaded only a few days ago.  God was very clear when He told me to persevere so I could see what surrender and trust looked like.  Now that I’m into the week and into the deeper part of the work of the week I can see just how faithful God is.  All the anxiety I was sensing last week is gone.  Of course I have my moments when I have to find a hotel where I’m staying, a district office where I’m to meet, etc.  But as I take each of them one at a time and use the tools I know to use (mapquest & google maps) I find each place well ahead of schedule.

I am out of town for a couple days so may be a little sporadic about the daily entries until I get home on Friday.  The musical this weekend still has me on edge if I dwell on it too much but God is faithful in reminding me it is His work and not mine.  I don’t have to earn anything but to be obedient and trust.  That’s what I want to end this week and weekend being able to say–I was obedient and trusted God instead of worrying and being anxious.

Yesterday one of the guys I check in with daily said he was anxious about several items.  I asked him to check in with God and see what He has to say about it.  His reply was, “Wow, I think I just got a reminder to live in my new creation.  I had forgotten this piece for a moment.”  This comment is one I find myself using every so often.  However, the more I do it the more I find that it isn’t just some cute saying, God truly means it when He tells us to live in the new creation Jesus Christ gave us.  It is transforming when we actually give God’s work a chance in our own personal life.  Thank you Father God!

The journey of living in this human flesh is a continuous learning and awakening opportunity–learning to not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) and instead, to fully trust in the One I can’t see but I can still know.  As this becomes more real to me I begin to understand what living as the “new creation” Jesus gave me when He died for me on the cross.  It was in the dying that my old self was crucified and in His rising from the grave that my new creation was formed just as He demonstrated with Himself.  It has taken me all these years to more fully comprehend this.

I’ve mentioned before about synergy–taking what we know and combining it with what we haven’t known and the outcome is something far more mighty (powerful) than anyone would have imagined.  An educational researcher by the name of Bloom, created a hierarchy of learning called Bloom’s Taxonomy.  At the base of learning is knowledge.  At the top of the taxonomy is synergy and evaluation.  If the synergy results in something spectacular the evaluation concludes you want to repeat it.  If the synergy creates an opposite to this our evaluation is that we won’t want to continue with the work.  I tell all of this because God has been wanting me to take what I have known for so many years and apply it to what I believe.  If I know God is Almighty, All-loving and full of Grace, why wouldn’t this be true for me?  I just couldn’t believe it as I couldn’t believe I was worth it.  Add to this knowledge that Jesus came to replace our unworthiness with His worthiness and then apply it to what I believe.  This is synergy in spiritual terms.  All of a sudden I have within me the new creation God had promised all along.  I’m trying to explain what has transpired within me in the last couple days.  The synergy of combining what I know with what I believe has given me a humbling assurance that has a power to sustain and stabilize.  I never need to vacillate about who or what I am.

This morning God told me I had been listening all my life to the voices in my head that fed me lies of worthiness.  The voice of God feeds truth, grace, strength and focus on Him–God Almighty.  This will be the voice I listen to throughout my day each day as I live one day at a time, one moment at a time as my new creation.  Please join me in this if this has been a struggle for you as it has for me.  God’s Almighty Army is waiting for us to put on the armor He gave us in Ephesians 6:10-18.  I am now ready to fight the good fight–I Timothy 6:12.

Today’s journey has already led me right to God my Father.  Yesterday I told you about the step study lesson and coming face to face with the hurt of my past.  During the lesson and sharing with the men while I also listened to them, I found the root I’ve never wanted to address–HURT.  Somehow in my mind, I had developed a mindset that became a severe character defect.  This defect of character was that I needed to be strong so the hurt of my brother and dad would NEVER win over me.  I could DO GOOD and this would replace the hurt.  Well, 66 years later I guess you know the outcome of this defective thinking.

In today’s devotions I was being shown that God wants me to now surrender this hurt fully to Him.  His upgrade for me is the Power to Tell that this crippling hurt of abuse is gone.  The power is now in the telling of it.  I never need to be ashamed of my story because my story is one of God’s redeeming love and grace through His Son Jesus Christ. The empowerment is God’s infilling Holy Spirit. My story is now their story. I’ve known all of this for years but finally this morning I was able to receive this message without the anxiety of–“but God, this is me, the one who is only this….”  That defect of thinking is finally obliterated by the blood of Jesus on the Cross.

I am presently reading the Amplified Version of the Bible with feature notes and commentary by Joyce Meyer.  It just so happened that in today’s Bible reading she tells her own experience of God giving her the choice of being pitiful or powerful.  She says she was raised in a home of dysfunction where she was sexually abused for almost 15 years.  She had wallowed in the self-pity long enough and God had brought her to this point of decision.  She chose God’s power and with this decision He has built a mighty ministry.  My journey today needed me to have the same experience.  I no longer need to fall into moments of self-pity.  God has been wanting me to receive His Power–His very Holy Spirit.  Today I welcomed this gift and thanked God for it.  No one knows any better than me the unworthiness within ourselves, but I now am able to fully recognize that I am worthy because Christ is my worthiness.  Because of this I received The Holy Spirit with open arms ready to do His bidding for this day.  To God be all glory!

Have you ever been hit by an emotional mack truck?  Well, this morning, I have been.  I hadn’t done my step study lesson until early this am.  It is addressing TRUTH.  The truth it is addressing is, of course, about yourself.  I’ve recently been faced with multiple situations where I’ve needed to hear someone talk about my value.  I’ve also had numerous times when God has brought this to the forefront.  Well, the synergistic moment of all these times hit this morning and it is an internal explosion of emotions wanting to make me RUN to my cave.

The first question of today’s step study asks how I feel about doing another inventory of myself?  I wrote I felt sick and half nauseous.  It was odd to even face this because the first time I did an inventory I simply felt numb.  It was about a year after doing the inventory that I went back to my 3 years of counseling/therapy where I had to be awakened to the emotional memories of my past.  In doing that I had to connect to them.  Even though God has used these memories in multiple ways to help me see truth about what those events did to my self worth, I haven’t had to come face to face with the demon of self-worth.  This morning’s lesson brought me right in front of it.  I know that my self-worth is a belief, not a truth.  I also know that it impacts me but doesn’t define me.  Well, these are things I know but when it comes to living one day at a time and one moment at a time, I usually fall into the old self becoming very fearful and anxious just as I’ve said several times the past couple weeks even facing this coming week.

I write this blog very raw this morning.  I’m taking all of this to my step study men and will have to share it there.  I know God will use it to help me move forward and through this.  In all my therapy sessions God never failed to lift the burden of the memory from me and to replace it with how He uses it.  Somehow I know (or at least want to believe I know) that God will use this miracle of crucifying this old belief today.  Each one of us has to come to the point of knowing that we are “precious in His sight”.  Precious isn’t defined by what we do, it is defined by who God created–us (me).

I go into this day with fear and trembling.  However, I am going into it–trusting.  This day God is doing something He knows I’ve needed to face.  I face this demon with Him and know He will be the victor.  I’ll be glad when the battle is done.  To God be the glory–great things He has done (will soon be doing).

A few days ago I told you about the anxiousness I was sensing with all the tasks conflicting with one another and my desire to step out of a couple of them.  Well, most of them have come and gone and the anxiety is still present.  I’ve known all along the big one is the choir production on Dec. 4.  It requires most of the songs to be memorized.  This one item–memorizing, has always brought out the worst in me regarding anxiety.  I would suppose it lies deep within my need to do things perfectly so I don’t fail yet again in trying to please my dad.  It is good for me to write this here because it takes the anxiety and places it into a sphere in which I can see it for what it is–fear.  All the prep work I’ve needed to do in order to prepare for next week is done except for this production.  I’m working on it this morning and the fear makes me want to run rather than tackle it.  God had told me to persevere at these times which I’m going to do.

This morning as I was having my devotions I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him today.  He reminded me that he never places situations in front of us (me) to cause fear.  He does it to bring glory to Himself.  I selfishly want to run so I don’t look silly or stupid as I would often feel from dad’s comments while I was growing up.  I can step away from this by thanking Him for the opportunity to bring Glory to Him in the situations He has provided for me.  As I thanked Him this morning the anxiety lifted.  This is truly a lesson where I need to persevere over and over again.  The water runs deep with this character defect of mine.  To reroute my thinking I will need to thank God and continue this as a daily practice.  He also told me to thank Him for the blessings others and I will get by being obedient to surrender.  So, for right now, I’m not anxious but surrendered and I’m thankful.  I need prayer to stay here and reminders to come back to this discipline as the temptation to fear returns.

Today’s journey started quite early with my 13 year old grandson staying overnight so he and I could black Friday shop early this morning.  We were up at 4:30 am and with his hot chocolate and my Folgers, off we went.  By 9:00 am we were headed home having successfully finishing a fairly healthy list of gifts for all the grandsons, and a few extra ones for his help and a couple essentials for me–house slippers!  This particular grandson lived with us for his first couple years of life and we have been bonded since.  He’s my 2nd oldest one.  When my oldest grandson caught on, at about the age of 5, that this one was spending a lot more time with me than he was, he asked one day which grandson was my favorite?  I told him my favorite was whichever grandson was with me at the time.  He wrinkled his forehead for a minute and then started grinning.  He said, “I get it–if I’m with you I’m the favorite and if Hayden is with you he is the favorite.”  I told him that was exactly right.  There has been no problem since then.

Somehow I think God is a lot like this.  His exception is that He is omnipresent–always with everyone of us equally all the time.  That makes each one of us His favorite any anytime and at any day.  I love that!  Hold onto to that thought whenever Satan tries to rob you or me of God’s great promises.