Well, God did yesterday just what He said he would do–He pointed out a huge area of selfishness He wanted addressed by me.  Yesterday morning following my devotions and writing this blog I read chapter 6 in the book Jesus The King, by  Timothy Keller.  I’m going through this with a pastor at our church.  We had started this last fall but my work kept me so busy we couldn’t meet regularly until yesterday.  The book is a study of the Bible’s book–Mark.  In this chapter Jesus is addressed by the man who wants him to come to his home and heal his 12 year old daughter who has an intense fever.  On the way to the home a woman touches the hem of Jesus’ garment and is healed.  Jesus finds out who the lady is and has her speak the reason she did it.  (I thought I knew this story through and through until yesterday.)  She wanted to be healed of her bleeding and didn’t want to bring any attention to herself in so doing.  However, Jesus wanted her healing to be known to the crowd even though it was delaying his healing of the 12 year old girl who had died by this time.  So, the lady told the crowd of her bleeding and how it had stopped the moment she touched  Jesus garment.  When I read this I was told by God that I was to change how I introduce myself to the others in our Celebrate Recovery group.  For our entire time of almost 10 years I’ve said: “Hi, my name is Earnie.  I’m a grateful believer in Jesus who struggles with the effects of childhood sexual abuse and physical/emotional abuse.”  God went onto say that my very personal bleeding was no longer this, but it was the fact that I struggle with homosexuality.  I’ve want to privately have this healed and then move on with life saying what I’ve been saying.  Even though I have made it know that this is a struggle, I don’t want to have to repeat it so often.  It has always felt safer this way.  God wasn’t happy with my selfishness.  He needed others to know my personal struggle so they would feel safer in addressing their own.  Amazingly, Jesus did all of this for the lady and the crowd and then he went on to heal the 12 year old girl.

Here I am starting a group this fall on homosexuality called Taking Back Ground, and I am going to lead it for the men.  Yet, I am struggling to say to a crowd of people I struggle with this.  God told me to look at my intro words which are:  “I struggle with…” and not “My identity is…”.  I fought this all day long in my mind but last night as I addressed our group at Celebrate Recovery I told them what God had said to me and then I introduced myself as, “Hi, my name is Earnie.  I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with homosexuality.”  They applauded!  As I write this I want to weep with tears of thanksgiving.

Today I go to a day long workshop being conducted in Boise on homosexuality in the church and how we should be addressing it–the people.  I am going to this today free to listen and not hide.  Wow, I would never had known this about myself if God had not confronted me yesterday as He did.  I am so grateful.

Today’s start has a powerful message looming in the front of it–selfishness.  It was the theme of my devotional reading and it was powerfully present in the actions of some Israelites in the bible reading of Numbers.  The message given centered around the consequences of the sin of selfishness.  The message brought forth the consequences whether our sinfulness is with other Christians or with the secular world around us.  What screams at me is the message that God is never seen in our selfishness–only we are seen.  I might say I am on assignment for God but if I am acting selfishly God is certainly not seen.  There are consequences for this behavior too.

As I was having my devotions I felt as though God wanted me to focus directly on my own behaviors as I go through this day.  If I ask for help seeing my own selfishness He will not only show them to me but will help me see what the replacement behavior should also be.  This was my prayer this morning as I had my prayer time.

As I ponder “freedom in Christ” I wonder what selfishness looks like through the lens of this freedom?  I know selfishness has always looked ugly when one sees it in others so I know the same ugliness is present when I am selfish.  I want to know what God is seeing that I am overlooking.  I best brace myself.  I recall several years ago when I use to say “a Harold just came out of me”.  This would be in reference to something selfish I’d say or do–meaning a dad just happened.  Kathy pointed out to me that when I would say that, people only saw me, not dad.  So, I think God isn’t done showing me what He wants me to know in this area.

Yesterday was a day of gardening.  I spent the entire day purchasing flowers for the 16 pots on the deck and then getting all of the work done through the afternoon.  The nursery I’ve always used is closing so I had to find other ones which was no small task for this gardener.  I did find the many varieties I enjoy. I can look at it and enjoy it.  It will bring many months of beauty for the onlookers.  This makes my heart happy.  Today I go and garden for an elderly lady who can no longer do her own.  She is battling cancer and is in treatment.  These little times of giving are ones I enjoy most.

The scripture reading in Numbers is certainly focusing me on praising God rather than complaining.  A couple of my grandkids are struggling with school and struggling to even go to school.  School for me was the best thing happening for me when I was young.  It got me away from home and put me in an environment where I could thrive.  It pains me to see my own grandkids struggle with it.  I want to tell God to do this and do that to change all of this.  However, God tells me to praise Him and to worship Him, trusting Him.  Oh, how I would love to change all of this, but I know this isn’t about me, it is about God becoming significant in their personal lives.  So, I step back and thank God for what I cannot see and know but trust He is already working and using these times to help them know they can rely on Him in all of this.

Tonight our recovery leaders meet.  We are about done with this prep part.  It is time to turn each one lose and let them, with God’s help, prepare their own materials specific to their curriculum and topic.  I do fight anxiousness in this, but I also know God is leading.  My journal had a verse in it that really stood out as I was writing earlier.  It said, “Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.”  Isaiah 25:1.  As I read this I realized God has been preparing each of these leaders for years and He is also preparing each one who will attend these classes this Fall.  So, I will trust Him in all of these present details where I want to take charge for He is the Master Planner and also my God.  How I love Him.

Usually when I am awake ahead of normal in the morning it is because I have something specific God is wanting to speak to me about.  However, this morning I awoke and there is not the specificity I’d expected.  I do have plans for the day which are not part of school work.  It is a day I can get the yardwork completed or someone else’s yard work I’m helping do.  But this isn’t something to wake up early about.

I mentioned a few days ago about my older brother coming to church yesterday.  It didn’t happen.  I don’t know why and neither does my younger brother who had the visit.  I have ideas as to why he didn’t come–these reasons wouldn’t be so different from any other 82 year old who is pondering returning to church.  In those days gone by, church attendance meant relationship with God.  I know now that this is true for some, but many today don’t have a church but do have a close walk with God.  My brother witnessed much hypocrisy in the church while he was growing up primarily centered around our dad.  Yet, I know God is working on him today.  We will keep praying for God’s Light to break through Satan’s cloud of darkness ensnaring him.  Join me if you would in prayers for him.  His name is Herb.

I’m going to step into this day and start on the list of yard work to get done.  If God interrupts it with other nudges, I’ll step into them.  We will see where this leads.

Today my younger brother turns my age until my birthday on July 1.  I’ve said it before but I just can hardly believe mom was 41 when I was born and 10 months and 6 days later she had Ron!  Wow!

As I began to read my devotional this morning the topic was bondage.  As I began to read the book of Numbers, the topic was bondage.  I’m sure this is not just coincidental.  The bondage the devotional was talking about was perfectly aligned with the way Numbers starts.  When we are in the midst of crisis it is easy to see the tentacles of bondage and run from it.  When we have been distanced from it and the insecurities of life set in, it is not as easy to remain living in the freedom.  We tend to want to go back to what we’ve known no matter how bad it may have been.  It requires trusting God and having faith in taking the steps God asks us to take not knowing most of the time what is on the other side of the step/s.

Often times the missing ingredient is the relationship we have or don’t have with God.  The Israelites are free from Egypt right now as Numbers starts but the God they are told to serve is the one who allowed them to be in slavery for 400 years.  Their relationship with God and with Moses is rather new.  Today, those in bondage, are asked to trust God when He allowed them to be abused through their childhood.  (I’m talking for me right now).  The difference for me–relationship.  Healthy relationships breed trust and faith.  It takes time to do this and it takes discipline to remain in the relationship.  God has been so loving and faithful throughout this journey of recovery.  I never want to fall back into the bondage of my past.  I also want to spend the rest of my life assisting others as God has placed before me.   The pain of abuse can fade somewhat when insecurities of the future set in.  However, the beauty of trust in a strong relationship will demolish the insecurities.  I want to remain faithful and true to this wonderful God I serve.

The blog was brief yesterday but the day wasn’t.  As I left to go help my grandson I called him and reminded him his dad lives just a short distance from his location on the freeway.  This hadn’t crossed his mind so he called and they were able to take care of it .  It was also good for them to have this time together.  God is good this way.

After I’d finished the work with the school district at noon yesterday I came home to work in the garden and mow the lawn.  I was almost done with the lawn when my cell rang.  It was my younger brother calling to tell me our older brother who lives here in the same area had come by for a short visit that morning.  My younger brother’s birthday is tomorrow so this brother and his wife had brought his card.  After they left my brother was talking to his wife to find out my older brother and wife are coming to church on Sunday.  My older brother hadn’t mentioned this to my younger one, but the wives had talked about it. (This sounds pretty typical, doesn’t it.)  My younger brother got choked up telling me all of this.  We have prayed for this older brother for years.  He, as well as all my siblings, have struggled with their relationship with God due to our upbringing.  However, God is faithful.  I knew something was stirring in this brother by his behaviors the last time we had our family get together.  God is so faithful and this is confirmed yet again.  How I love Him for this.

Today my younger brother is coming over so we can go finish the basketball standard for one of my grandsons.  We will have all kinds of happiness when this is done!  God is so good.

God is showing me some things He wants me to know about Him and my relationship with Him as well as with The Holy Spirit and His Son Jesus Christ.  Also, my grandson just called and he blew a tire on the freeway so I’m on my way to help him.  More to come.

Today’s bible reading brought a point I’m needing to ponder.  The book of Leviticus is all about how the Israelites were being told to live in order to be pleasing to God.  It seems to leave nothing unaddressed.  It talks much about the blood sacrifice which I’ve read many times and heard many sermons about.  However, this morning as I read it, another point I’ve not caught stood out.  When God created man (Adam) and breathed the breath of live into him, it was in the blood.  Christ’s blood was shed to cleanse us and to give us new life.  Joyce Meyer says blood was already flowing through Adam’s veins when he was created by God.  However, it wasn’t until God breathed the breath of life into him that he became a living being.  God breathed His own life into him.

Now I’m having this picture forming in my mind about God’s Holy Spirit flowing throughout my body.  Our body is the home of The Holy Spirit who is given to us as a gift from Jesus Christ as we accept Him as our Savior.  Hearing this morning that God’s Spirit was breathed into man and life of man is the blood, it seems as though the Holy Spirit is flowing throughout us–not just housed in my brain or something.  As blood flows through my brain the Holy Spirit is able to take charge of my thinking, my responses, my memories, my impulses, my speech and so much more.  But our blood flows through all our body and not just to our brain.  When I was in therapy for PTSD I would always be asked where the pain was felt or surfaced from the memories uncovered.  It was throughout my body where I’d find the pain surfacing.  I’ve not only experienced this first hand, but I’ve also read of this truth from others having therapy.  Once the wound is open, this life-blood filled with the Holy Spirit begins its healing.  I am just seeing this as it is for the first time with so much more clarity.

I know this isn’t the typical blog entry, but today God is showing me something I think He has been waiting for me to see.  His Holy Spirit is Him for God is Spirit.  He has placed Himself within me to not only heal my body, mind and soul, but to also guide each and every step of each and every day.  I’m very open to discussion on this but I do know there is a fundamental point God is making for me.  He is my healer, my Savior, my Friend, and my Lord and King.  Praise be to Almighty God!

Last night I finished a book which is an autobiography of Dennis Jernigan.  He is a song writer and worship leader from Oklahoma.  He is a man who is about 10 years younger than me.  His journey is told well in finding freedom from homosexuality.  His book is titled:  Sing Over Me.  Several things amazed me as I read the book.  First, he had no counseling except through some friends God put in his path and there was no recovery group to assist.  All this was done through God’s divine intervention and Dennis’ commitment.  I don’t want to discredit the recovery work we are doing, but it was a good reminder that this work is not the only means of God’s working.

One of the other things that was made clear to me from reading the book (an unexpected discovery) is the differences we have in addressing the topic of homosexuality and its origin within man.  I’m not firm on anything I write here.  All I know is that I am firm in believing that anyone who acts on homosexual temptations sins.  The temptation is not a sin, it ranks right up there with any other temptation man struggles with.  If we act on it then it is sin, and if we give it over to Christ, we win by not sinning.  Satan doesn’t care how he gets us to sin, he just wants to grip us tightly in it with the bondage acting on sin gives us.

The last thing I was hit with from reading this book is that I COULD read it without needing to lay it down many times due to all kinds of triggers.  Homosexuality has always been aligned with abuse for me so anytime I would read something about it I would fight to not picture the person as an abuser.  I understand Satan is the biggest abuser, but from the human standpoint, this struggle is just that–a struggle.  The fact I could read the book and do so from a learning perspective without needing to take a walk every little bit is amazing.  God is truly healing me and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL.  The wounds of my past are becoming the stories I use as I can help those God puts in my path.  How grateful I am!

The day of working with the school district yesterday ended with much success.  My concern about attitudes and the talk to address the day was well received.  By noon time we were already well ahead of where we thought we’d be and by 3:30 pm we had done all we had gone to do and much more.  I could hardly believe we were working at the same place with the same people where we’d been a month ago.

This morning’s devotional time was very much focused on the work we are to do.  No matter who gives the assignment, if we have accepted it, we are to do it as unto the Lord.  I pondered this a while.  Even though I’ve spent all of my working years in the arena of education, I’ve also spent a considerable amount of time volunteering with “church work” or now–recovery work plus a few additions such as choir, quartet, etc.  I appreciate work done well but I’d lost sight of the truth that all we do we are to do unto the Lord.  I don’t want to any longer do anything less than this.  This includes what I do for my marriage, my time with my kids and grandkids.  It isn’t enough that I show up.  If all I do is be there my attention is more about satisfying me rather than my Father.

God is never done completing us into His Image for us.  I’m amazed how graciously He does this too.  One bite at a time and then He gives us opportunity to digest the bite and put it into our daily routine.  I’m sure this one will take some time for I have my selfish moments such as my gardening time.  Yet, as I write this I awaken to the fact that I do find much pleasure in gardening, but I also want it done well so the beauty of it shows forth.  Lets honor God today throughout the day and remember what the Serenity Prayer tells us–“One day at a time, one moment at a time….”