“Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.”  The Lord has been reminding me of this line in the old hymn for the last few days.  I’ve always hated strife.  Strife for me has been defined as turmoil between folks who are close in relationships.  This is especially true with family.  God broke down the barrier yesterday for Kathy and me.  We will be able to have a talk within our own family to reconcile the fragile issues of present.  God is so good.

Our family get together yesterday was such a great day.  Our brother who hosted the event was like a new person.  His own kids were going to be together and were all day.  They had been estranged for many years.  With all of us boys and our spouses present, it seemed to be the right setting.  It was comfortable and fun.  There was much laughter and joy throughout the time together.  Thank you Jesus!

In the next several weeks I have fewer responsibilities both with the consulting and with the ministry work.  In each case the ones involved are gearing up for what will begin in the early fall.  Gearing up for me means getting my mind wrapped around all the content I will need to know and understand.  However, as I was somewhat wrestling with God about this He reminded me to, “be still and know that He is God.”  This message seemed to be saying that it was fine to simply take days where all one did was pick the raspberries, enjoy the yard, change the oil in the car, eat breakfast on the deck, read for pleasure, etc.  This is relaxing and one doesn’t need to feel guilty if a day is relaxing.  So, OK, I’m looking at a relaxing day and it will be enjoyed.  Thank you Jesus!

I’m unsure how to start today’s entry.  Last night it seemed all the pieces needing to be put together to have a healthy family were blown asunder.  Emotions took control of the conversation leaving much damage.  This morning I’ve had time to reflect and sort through the pieces I see.  I’ve talked to God and I’ve felt Him talking to me.  There is repair that can take place.  God’s timing is always critical here.

Today my brothers and spouses are getting together with my widowed brother who lives about 100 miles away.  Kathy and I are driving the 6 of us there since our rig will hold 6 adults.  The nice part in this is that my brother who is hosting this will have his daughter and family come.  We haven’t seen them for 10+ years.  Their own relationship had been strained for a number of years and those walls are now coming down.  We will rejoice with them today as we all get together.

Emotions play such a huge part in our lives.  Most of my adult years I had mine so walled off I didn’t realize how much emotion stirs in me.  With all the turmoil within my own family I was talking to God about the breadth and depth of emotions.  He reminded me that He is the home to all emotion.  Within Him these emotions balance one another.  In man, there is an imbalance of emotion.  That is why healthy relationships are so important.  We help one another balance our decision making, emotional influences, reactions, etc.  I’ll be very grateful when this balance returns to my family.  We can use this present strife to grow better communication strengthening the balance within our family.  I trust God that He will lead us to this end.

It was so fun to have the grandkids and my own kids here for the day yesterday.  Just a week ago my 9 year old grandson was baptized and he was still rejoicing in this while here yesterday.  He is on fire and very enthusiastic about it.  My youngest two grandsons are sensing God/Jesus too.  A week of VBS also has them inspired.  It is so fun to watch and listen to them.

The talk I needed to have did take place.  It was very unpleasant and ended with the one leaving.  All I know is that I needed to confront this and leave it there.  That much is done.  At church yesterday morning I talked with my “prayer warrior”.  She sent me some rich scriptures about confronting darkness and thanking God ahead of time for what I cannot see, but what He does see and does best–work with His children.  I’m so grateful for His promises.

As I was starting to journal this morning I told God I don’t back away from confrontation, but in this case, I was extremely reticent.  I began to see that confrontation I go into is that which has a door open and someone inside who wants to hear what is being said.  The message may be confrontational, but one is willing to at least hear it.  This is what I do entirely in my educational work.  However, in the case of yesterday, the door is not open.  I did take advantage of presence, but the mind is closed to the message.  I need to now thank God for what I cannot see but what He sees clearly and is already acting on.  So, I do just this.  Galatians 6:9 says: “And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.”  I will continue to claim this truth.

Yesterday I wrote that I was going to the garden to pick raspberries.  It would be there I hoped to find some sense of peace.  I had no more than stepped into the patch to start picking when my cell phone dinged.  It was a text from a friend in Celebrate Recovery who was responding to a message I’d sent to all the leadership a few days ago requesting everyone to be praying for one another.  God had nudged her to send the text.  I responded with the fact it was perfect timing as only God creates.

Today is Father’s Day.  As I look at the title of the day I do celebrate most my Heavenly Father.  For whatever reason it seems fathers are harder to have a relationship with than mothers.  Moms just love you regardless.  It seems fathers don’t have this natural instinct in most cases.  However, our Heavenly Father loves us regardless of who we are and what we have done or haven’t done.  Scripture repeatedly says this.  This is exactly why He had His Own Son–Jesus die for us and conquer the grave for us.  He loves us right where we are.

My family is coming today for a Father’s Day BBQ and homemade ice cream.  I am grateful for this.  In this day I will need to address a troubling situation.  My purpose is to expose it, not control it.  I want God to take control.  I pray the one involved will see the Light of God.  God told me this morning to praise Him.  I did this in my prayer time and I do it now.  As sick as I feel inside I know that God loves us and will give His Wisdom if we only step out of the way.

When I started this intentional journey of writing my autobiography and then about 9 months later writing this blog, I did it to give help to the readers for their own journey.  Today, however, I sense a desperate need in this journey for wisdom from outside of me.  Maybe for a reader it is good to know one is not alone feeling helpless and abandoned.  I write this and know I am not abandoned.  No matter how tough a situation might be, I know beyond a shadow of doubt I am never abandoned.  The assuredness of God’s presence is stronger than any feeling of abandonment.

For me the desperateness I am experiencing is due to a total lack of words and approach to an ugly situation.  I’m not in control of it but it is very close to home so I want to be in control and take charge.  God has repeatedly talked to me about my need to support only.  Learning to support outside of control is difficult for me.  My childhood taught me well that as an adult I would never let something/someone control me again.  Yet, as an adult watching a situation where disregard is present, I want to step in and take control.  So, I have this wretched anguish going on inside of me.

The peace in the midst of the storm is very difficult to find in moments like this.  I truly don’t even like posting this message but I am driven to be honest about my journey so I am doing it.  I’m going out to the raspberry patch to pick the first picking of them as I complete this writing.  I always find God in tender ways in the garden so I’m going to seek this peacefulness as I conclude today’s entry.  I still know God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  Patience in the midst of this present storm is likely best found in the garden.

God’s love and mercy never change, I know.  However, it is sometimes difficult to see and know it when the issues of man in this world are screaming around you.  I have written the past two days about this.  Last night our quartet was singing for a church group in Boise.  The theme of our message was Peace–Peace in the Midst of the Storm.  Ahead of time we prayed for this to be felt and known by all present.  We were singing several new songs so we weren’t singing with confidence like we’d want.  Instead, we surrendered ourselves in spite of this.  Well, as it turned out, The Holy Spirit was rich in presence.  The songs and our spoken words seemed to be just what was to take place.  The amazing thing too was that not only did the people present get blessed, so did we.  It was such a good reminder that every storm we encounter in life is already seen and addressed by God.  We don’t know what He knows, but He asks us to trust Him with our unknowns.  I want to keep growing in this area.

God is so good and so desires to make Himself known to us if we will stop for a moment, no matter the storm, and surrender whatever He shows us needs to be.

God is truly an amazing God and finding the path in this journey which keeps God always in the lead is no minor task.  The situations I wrote about yesterday are just as real today.  In my devotional time I end with praying over my prayer list.  At the top of it I have written:  Embrace the Cross.  I rewrite my prayer list every few months to keep it current with life’s daily challenges for those on it.  I rewrite this statement at the top for my reminder that I need to Embrace the Cross for those on this list.  Today, as I was starting my prayer, God showed me that my job was not to change the decisions for those struggling but to bring them to the Cross where the ultimate decision about wrongs was done.  So, instead of anguishing more about the needs/choices of these ones I love, I simply brought them to the Cross in my prayer rather than the problems.  It is there that Christ has already done His Work.  It is also each one’s decision to accept this work for them.

In two weeks our Celebrate Recovery moves from Wednesday nights to Thursday nights.  This decision was made last winter and is a good one for many reasons.  Our church has built a children’s wing which gives spacious room for that department to grow and flourish.  Our CR has been using the children’s room for our meeting and it has now overgrown the facility.  The church suggested when the children move to their new wing we could move to the youth room where we will have ample room to continue growing.  Thursday nights will allow us to have no competition for rooms.

I write this because in the past week there have been numerous issues coming up with the individuals in leadership of our CR.  One leader told me last night she felt we were under attack.  When I went to ask God this morning if this is so He immediately responded even as I was writing the first word of the sentence.  His response was simple.  “Satan never quits attacking.  Don’t be caught off-guard by this but instead, be prepared.”  God’s Word tells us to be prepared at all times and to lift one another up.  I’m going to send this reminder out to all of us this morning.  It is amazing to me to take a step away from the attacks to see that they are individually based on each one in leadership and they cripple each one of us privately.  No one wants to sound like “a baby” so we keep them to ourselves.  Also, this move comes at the start of summer where we all are taking individual family breaks from common routines.  Well, Satan wants to make all of this seem like we are failing when God wants us to see how we are prospering.  I’m choosing to keep my eyes on God’s Work for each person finding victory from their hurts, hang-ups and habits!  God has asked me to send this reminder out to all the leadership and so I will.  God is already the Victor and we all need to remember this even when we might feel weak for in our weakness, God is made strong.

I’m struggling today to write.  When I started this blog I did so with the commitment to always share what God is doing in my life and my own personal battle/victories connected with the walk.  The past couple days have hit right in the midst of my family. I won’t go into the specifics of it, but choices (right vs wrong) is making life horribly miserable.

I awoke this morning at 4:00 am and instantly found myself telling God what He needed to do to make choices be different today.  I found myself quickly correcting myself and instead of telling God I switched to thanking Him for using all of our choices to grow us.  I did go back to sleep.  As I got to my journaling during devotions I asked God what I needed to know from Him today?  He quickly informed my mind that He does not use His power/strength to interfere with man’s choices.  If He did so He would be breaking His pledge to man.  Instead He uses the choices of man to bring him to Himself.  I really needed this reminder.  I can use my relationship to encourage right choices being made, but my role is left there.  God also reminded me that my timetable is not the one He uses to determine His actions.  I needed that reminder also.  I grew up experiencing life with an abundance of wrong choices.  I struggle so much feeling helpless when I see others making those that will hurt them when the right choice is only a step away.

As difficult as it is watching ones you love make incorrect choices, I do praise God for using all of them, good and bad, to bring each and everyone of us to the place where we face God/Jesus with the reality of our choices.  The beauty is that He is there with open arms when we decide to come to Him.  I’ll keep praying for this to happen.

It is incredible how God continuously uses man in all of his sinfulness to complete His work here on earth.  In spite of the man of God David had been, his life is filled with sin and its effect.  As David’s lust brought about the death of Uriah and the death of his infant child, later his son’s lust brought his own death from his brother Absalom.  I won’t go into all of this but it is found in II Samuel chapter 12-16.  It makes my heart hurt as I read this knowing this pattern of behavior is still deeply impacting man today.  Our sins cause us deep regret and its impact always hurts.  It is reading all of this, but also knowing the New Testament, that we today find the hope in Jesus Christ!

Joyce Meyer talks in one part where David’s son abuses his sister sexually.  She herself was abused by her father.  This impact caused her to believe many lies for many years about her own value.  I too know this bondage.  Yet, I too have learned that God is the only way out of this bondage.  What a loving God we serve to provide this freedom in spite of what man has done to man through his selfish sinfulness.

Jesus is our only answer!  One could easily get bogged down with the plights of man in the Old Testament, but praise be to God.  He provided a permanent means of escape from this bondage through His Son Jesus.  I am So Grateful!

Well, I got myself out of the trip this week and called my sis who was arranging for my two sis’s and my niece and her husband to meet with me for dinner Friday night.  I still need to do something with the plane ticket and will get to it this morning.  This is a good lesson for learning some valuable things God has been wanting me to take out of denial and put on the table.  I no longer have to hide weaknesses as though they are flaws.  These kind of characteristics are only weaknesses when we hide them hoping no one will know about them.

Today in scripture reading from II Samuel I read about David’s continued victories over all the enemies of Israel.  God was blessing him from every angle.  David, in the spring while his armies were out fighting, didn’t accompany them on one occasion.  Instead, he was at his palace and saw a beautiful woman bathing.  She was the wife of one of his soldiers.  He had her brought to him and had an affair with her.  She became PG and the sin complicated even more.  He had the husband killed on the war’s front when he wouldn’t go to bed with his wife.  The scripture goes on to say God was very displeased with David’s actions of sinning and hiding it for so long never recognizing it and confessing it.

This really hit me as I was reading it.  No one knows sin and hiding it any better than I do.  Also, no one knows the guilt and shame which develop within us as we stay in hiding any better than me.  Even as we begin to address our hurts, hang-ups and habits, we stumble with sin.  God wants us to take advantage of the help He offers us.  Some of this help is with our spouse (if we are married), some is with friends, some with accountability from a support group, etc..  God nudges us to talk to someone, but our pride and insecurities scream that we will be disowned if people know.  Also, there is that voice in us which says, “I enjoy this sometimes.”  Well, no matter what the circumstances, God has given us His Son Jesus Christ as our example.  Christ in turn has given us The Holy Spirit to strengthen us to step in rightness.  I’ve never taken this step and found judgment.  Instead, since I’ve begun my own journey of recovery, I’ve found support, forgiveness, love, tenderness, mercy and grace.  All of these are God’s characteristics for which He offers when we are obedient to His Spirit’s nudges within.  I truly want to keep on this track as my journey continues.  Reach out if you find yourself nodding your head knowing you are hiding something.  God is waiting with love, support and overcoming.