As I wrote yesterday, God isn’t wanting me to leave the topic of living for Him until I’m better grounded in what that truly is all about. Last night at choir practice I could barely sing the solo I have in a song the choir is doing in a couple of weeks. The obstacles like rhythm and timing had finally been addressed so they no longer were in the way of singing it. It was my voice–I kept cracking on the higher notes and it is in the 1st tenor range so it is high. That’s never been a problem, but was last night. As I got home and went to bed I had numerous dreams throughout the night which would awaken me leaving me troubled. The last dream was a friend draining a “pus pocket” which wasn’t large on the outside, but what was on the inside was amazing. It just kept running out more and more.

When I awoke for the morning and started my journaling I asked Jesus for help understanding what all of this is about. Then my devotional was titled–“So Walk in Him”. It was all about walking in Jesus if we have invited Him into the depths of our lives and surrendered all there is in those depths. As I began Galatians 2 Paul is writing about his total surrender to Jesus and accepting His call not listening to man, but only to God’s Voice in his life. Paul’s message was the same as the devotional’s message–So Walk in Him. I grabbed my journal and added to it, “I’m not to walk with Jesus, but to walk in Jesus. If He resides IN me and His Holy Spirit is within me, I am to walk IN Them, not with them. They’re on the inside of me, not around me waiting for me to catch up.

As I prayed this morning I surrendered all of my questions and struggles about walking throughout my day trying to stay focused on Jesus’ Voice in my life. I simply gave Him the depths of my being where my fears reside, my flesh passions reside and asked Him to reside in their stead so I can be fully walking IN Him this day and each day to come.

The topic of living by the Spirit of God is a big one for me of late. It seems God is not wanting me to leave this topic until I get a better handle on it. The two Corinthian books is full of this writing and now Galatians is too. We are to live by the Spirit of God within us, given to us by Grace as we have accepted Jesus Christ into our lives. We are not to live by the old laws. Switching my living to being led by the Spirit within means I need to hear the Spirit throughout my day. What I naturally hear is my own reasoning/emotions. I’ve always thought of them as my lead and that the Spirit of God would direct them. Somehow I believe there is a different Voice I’m leaving out when I do this. I’m asking God to help me better understand so I live by His Voice within me.

Secondly, there is a topic that is routinely brought up in our class addressing childhood abuse. The topic is a child’s role with God when he/she is being abused in those childhood years. I don’t have a good answer for this as I’ve had my own struggles with the topic. I’ve said many times that I’ve needed to let this go and I’ll understand when I get to heaven. However, when I hear these questions coming from others and see the block it creates with their own relationship with God as a “loving God”, I can’t help but remember my own questions. There are many verses which tell us to not lead our children into sin by our own actions, but I don’t see any which say God provides protection for the children. If anyone has clarity on this, I’d like to know what you have found. I don’t ask this in doubt of God, I ask it for better understanding of God. Thank you.

Something happened yesterday during my devotional time I kept quiet because it seemed too odd to me and I questioned it. It had to do with my daily asking Jesus what He wanted me to know from Him for the day. The message began that I would be disappointed this morning and needed to be ready for it. There was more attached to it but this was the driver of my questioning. Within 30 minutes following my writing of this blog I had a phone call. It was very disturbing as it questioned my integrity. It then condemned our ministry of Celebrate Recovery because of my involvement in it. There were only 3 people who knew about the details which took place a few years ago. I had actually challenged this person because of their own devious actions and it now led to this.

I called our ministry leader who had shared the role with me for 12 years and she said something that truly refocused me–“We need to pray for them.” At the moment I wanted to ring their neck and then I get the Godly message–they need prayer. For the rest of the day I did pray for them and will continue to do so.

This morning I’ve been challenged to TRUST God’s Voice when It speaks to me and ask for forgiveness for my lack of trust. God’s Holy Spirit waits for us to manage our mind and emotions so He can take charge. I don’t want to wait so long next time and I sure don’t want to question the Holy Spirit’s Voice either. Our God is so good. How I love Him and NEED Him!

The gentleman I mentioned in yesterday’s post has his first counseling appointment next Thursday morning. He called it an answer to prayer and I do too. I love how God works.

Paul, in II Corinthians, is getting after the people of Corinth for listening and following the teachings of false leaders. He challenges them to listen to what they are being told and line it up with the truth of what Jesus has recently told to the disciples. Joyce Meyer picks up on this topic and reminds the reader that our minds are the home of all thought and follow up words we say and actions we live out. Today we have so many messages which may seem “right” at the moment but if we took the time to line them up against God’s Word–the Bible, we would find we need to dismiss them. Some of these are: “Go ahead and take a drink, it won’t hurt you to have just one.” “Experimenting with same sex is ok, if you have the desire then it is fine to act on it.” There are so many additional examples I could put here, but in each one’s case we need to align these thoughts with God’s Word.

Society has moved away from God’s Word–His Wisdom, but that doesn’t mean we should. We need to follow Paul’s wisdom to the Corinthians and heed what God’s Word tells us. When our mind gives us a different thought use the 3-R’s I’ve mentioned in past posts: Recognize, Reject and Replace. God is Faithful and I find when I am faithful to following His Word, I am at peace within. Nothing is better than that!

One of the things I’ve noted about working with recovery is the process of one’s awakening to their need for taking steps. We often call it: peeling the onion. Last night I took a chip for 14 years of working with Celebrate Recovery for my own personal recovery. I told the group that I came to CR to overcome a pornography addiction. I’d never thought of myself as having an addictive personality, but this one had gripped me. After my first year I had told our leadership team I’d have to resign from leading. I was a failure in that the addiction was worse. Spending a year of raw confession and admission only increased the desire and I was helpless to overcome it. It was then that our other ministry leader told me I wasn’t quitting. Instead, I was to go forward the next week and take a chip. I was trying to address the wrong thing. I wanted to quit using porn when I was denying the depth of hurt from all the years of abuse I had kept walled away. She said I needed to go back to counseling and address what I still hadn’t. So, I took a chip the following week for a year of “not giving up” and switched my focus. It was then I started what became 3 years of therapy and counseling addressing the demons of abuse. CR became the support I needed as I weekly went to the therapy sessions which peeled an onion much larger than any onion I’d ever grown in my garden! I also shed many tears in the peeling process!

Today I see so many men stuck as I was after that first year. One gentleman wanted to talk last night afterward CR ended. He has been coming to CR for 4 years and is finishing the Mending the Soul class we do on Sundays. He is stuck (as I had found myself). This morning he is calling the counselor I now recommend who is truly great in this area of need. I rejoice in my heart knowing another child of God is taking a huge risk (another step), but the next best one. God is truly at work!

Corinthians, both first and second, has so much Paul is attempting to get the people to understand about the importance of relationships–healthy ones committed to God and His purposes in our lives. However, the one relationship that often times is hardest to talk about and do anything about is the one with oneself. We spend so much time working on friendships with others and all the while avoid at any cost looking deeply into ourselves.

These past couple of years have intensified this greatly for me. This morning’s devotional time has an insert written by Joyce Meyer. She writes, “A large number of believers are tormented by negative thinking about themselves. They think about how God must be so displeased with them because of all their weaknesses and failures.” She goes on to write, “…If you ever want to behave better, you have to change your thinking first. …Every time a negative, condemning thought comes to mind, remind yourself that God loves you, that you have been made the righteousness of God in Christ.”

I have needed to unlearn the belief that I needed to earn my righteousness of God in Christ. That is who I am as a new creation by accepting Christ into my life. The work I do is not to earn this, the work I do is to believe it. What Joyce Meyer says about changing our thinking is what I’ve needed to do. Confronting the lies Satan puts into our minds is a discipline. Who I am is anchored in what God has promised through the righteousness of His Son Jesus. Believing this is my work–not earning it.

“Make decisions from the heart rather than from our emotions.” This statement was part of my Bible reading this morning in II Corinthians 5. The Holy Spirit resides in our heart and our heart is what is eternal. Satan has a very devious way of often confusing one’s decision making using emotions to drive it rather than decisions from the heart. The more I have begun to live knowing I’m a new creation, the more awake I’m becoming to the differences between the two of these.

My mom use to tell me to wait three days in order to act upon important decisions. If the decision is the same in 3 days, act on it. If emotions are driving the decision, you will vacillate a good deal in 3 days. It is then you don’t want to make the decision. I can easily see the wisdom in this today. Our heart doesn’t change its mind if we allow ourselves the time to meditate on this.

Last winter I was contacted by an educational consulting firm in Montana. I know the director fairly well since she had started her career in Idaho. She contacted me in January asking if I’d consider working with a district there. As we talked I told her I’d pray about it. In March she contacted me again asking if I’d prayed and what I had thought about it. Well, truth be known, I hadn’t prayed and hadn’t given it any amount of thought. I just didn’t want to do it–driving long distances in Montana during the winter months? From March to May I did pray about it each day asking God for His leadership. What I found amazing was that the idea of not doing it never entered my heart. My emotions vacillated often. When I went to check it out in July I could see then the confirmation of my heart’s steadfastness in knowing I was to do this. Even now I have to remind my emotions that they are not in charge of me–God is and I don’t know that through my emotions. I know that through faith/trust in the stability of God’s Holy Spirit in my heart. Yes, winter is coming, but God is in charge of winters too.

This morning I awoke with a heaviness I haven’t known for a while. Today has some interruptions in it which complicate the routine I usually follow in the school for which I’m working. I also had an email from the superintendent regarding a meeting which added another layer of interruption. This is for today, but I’m coming off of a day where a meeting with yesterday’s school had me a little unraveled as to steps to take with them. So, I started my journaling with Jesus telling Him I wasn’t able to do justice to today when He kindly reminded me to take a look at Him rather than me. I had just yesterday morning told Him I would surrender completely to The Holy Spirit’s control of my life and already I’d begun to look at me rather than give it to Him. In doing this I was quickly able to realize this is just a day and all of this will work itself out as I take it one step at a time. I’m not the one who needs to do the prioritizing. God will do that as I approach each one of these. My job is to show up and go where God leads at the time. I can and do trust Him in this.

Yesterday’s school and today’s school have several factors which need attention in order to be working as smoothly as they ought. It is easy to get caught up in the quagmire of details forgetting to focus on the goal and purpose of my presence with them. This morning’s time with God has done just that–brought Light into a moment of darkness. Boy, Satan sure loves darkness. However, The Holy Spirit’s presence shatters it as soon as I reposition myself with Him.

Tonight we will reflect on how the words of “The Refiner’s Fire” spoke to us in the past week. I think I could take the entire 1 hr & 15 mins we are there just speaking to what God had to tell/show me. It all started with the truth that God’s refining fire doesn’t destroy us but it refines/purifies us. It gets rid of the dross so that the purity of the bronze, silver, gold shines through–better known as His Holy Spirit living freely in our lives.

This dross for me has been in part the lies I’ve believed about myself for so long! Along with that, I’ve had this watered down version of God’s love for me–another lie. I’ve believed if I weren’t like my dad or my brother or even like mom (avoiding conflict at any cost) I would be good enough for God in spite of my own personal sins–yet another lie. If I sang God’s inspired songs beautifully, taught His lessons at church and kept a beautiful enough garden to display His beauty in nature I’d earn His attention–another lie. This God of ours has been waiting with open arms to embrace us in a relationship Satan despises. He will do all he can to keep the dross in our lives so we can’t see this beautiful God, Savior and Lord He has offered us.

This morning I heard the Spirit’s voice asking me if I’m all in? I humbly said yes. I know I’m not sufficient to serve God fully, but with God’s Holy Spirit living more freely than ever before, I will do as Paul said in Philippians 3:14: “I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven.” This prize–Christ’s words as we embrace in heaven: “Good and faithful servant”.