I awoke very early this morning with a strong sense of anxiety. I thought through the things of yesterday and today to check for triggers for it. Nothing came to mind. I began to pray that if this is just Satan playing tricks with my emotions that I would simply go back to sleep. The next thing I knew it was time to get up. Only in my recent years have I been able to admit the amount of anxiety I contend with. I might have mentioned it in times past but at the same time I’d laugh it off as those it was simply a little torment rather than a mountain I couldn’t climb.

Stepping into this new area of “ministry” does have my mind and emotions playing all sorts of things. Deep within I know beyond any shadow of doubt that God has placed this here. I’ve never been in touch with my own emotions and the effects of them on my day to day living. as I am now. So, rather than stuffing them as in times past, I am learning to respect them as me and surrender them. I’m not going to be making decisions based on them. I find they are within me and they are triggered by all kinds of stimuli which only now do I begin to see.

God is so amazing! I want only to grow more and more into the complete new creation He has always intended for me.

I have finished my devotions this morning and am now ready to write today’s blog entry. Not very often do I ponder what to write, however, today I do. Do I tell about yesterday’s last meeting with the consultants I’ve worked with the past 15 years? Do I write about Celebrate Recovery last night? Do I write about the devotional’s message this morning which seemed to be written simply for me? Or, do I write about my thinking that I am much freer next week so I don’t need to use a calendar to schedule my days only to find that I’ve already double booked a time because I didn’t bother to look?

What I do know is that I’ve loved reaching the days of summer so I can be free of schedules for a moment in time. Yet, the very moment I get there I stumble into what has happened already. I’ve always looked at a scheduling calendar as a burden rather than a gift. I like carrying a schedule in my head, but over and over I lose track of something when I resort to this “fleshly pride”. I’m going to work on seeing my calendar as a gift so I actually know and can live more confidently. I’ve lived a long time, but there’s always room for the next lesson!

This morning’s devotional time has awakened in me something I’ve never thought through before. It comes from reading Romans 5 in The Passion. In this chapter Paul, author, is outlining for us the reader the significance of Christ’s redemptive work on the Cross and His Resurrection. The fact that it is all done out of God’s Grace and Christ’s obedience to His Father has always been clear. What hasn’t been clear to me until this morning is why this Grace is so important for us from the Hand of God.

Adam was God’s first creation of man. Christ was God’s second human creation. Because of Adam’s sin all of us were given sin, not from our choosing, but from Adam’s choice which resulted in death. God sent Christ to correct the consequence of Adam’s choice so if we choose Christ we then have life–eternal life instead of eternal death. Adam chose sin for man, Christ chose forgiveness for a sin we couldn’t correct. Maybe I’m the only one who has not fully grasped the significance of God’s Grace in this. Adam chose sin for me and God’s Grace gave me a choice for correcting Adam’s choice. Only God could correct this original sin done to us and He did it through His second creation of man–Jesus Christ who made obedience to His Father his first and only choice throughout His life here on earth.

I’ve written several times about the sins done to me from the sexual abuse of my brother and my dad’s physical and emotional abuse. I could never dispel these sins for I thought they were mine–those sins were who I was. Satan had me believing these lies. The blinders I’ve had kept me from grasping this huge Gift of Grace from God. Sin does not own me–God does. I don’t go in and out of God’s Grace, I’m always in it! A footnote to Romans 5:14 states: “Death passes to all who are in Adam, life passes to all who are in Christ…God sees every person as in Adam or in Christ.”

God has seen me in Christ since I gave my life to him as a boy. Today I see myself in Christ more clearly than ever before! Thank You so much God, Jesus and Holy Spirit!

Fifteen years ago this month I retired from a career in education with my local school district. That had been 35 years with 2 of them teaching abroad. The reason for retiring when I did was to give opportunity for consulting in education. This has turned out to be a venture only God could provide. I’ve loved every minute of it. The very thought that I would be stepping into a venture of counseling during these past 50 years would have been dispelled immediately. I’ve often wondered about this profession, but a person like me just wasn’t fit to ever be called a counselor. TOO MUCH BAGGAGE! Only God can take such a person and such a past and turn it into an opportunity of hope.

As I’m wrapping up the 50 year commitment in education I can’t help but be reminded over and over of God’s faithfulness. Romans talks a good deal about Faith and its critical importance to our journey with God. Within faith is found trust and I think the reverse of this is also true. Both of these spiritual characteristics have grown immensely as I’ve been taking the steps into this new venture. God is so AMAZING!

Today I begin the closure to the consulting work with each of the schools and districts I’ve served. This will take place twice this week–today and tomorrow. On Thursday I will have the last day meeting with the consulting group I’ve worked with for the past several years. The meeting yesterday morning addressing the counseling start taking place this coming Friday afternoon went well. I am so grateful I get to start this work with someone who has years of experience and is a strong Christian. She is truly a GIFT from GOD.

Today’s devotional lesson is FAITH. Paul is talking about Faith in Romans as he has written this letter to the Christians of Rome. My devotional separated out the difference between small faith and great faith. It is only in great faith that one can find serenity in the midst of the storm. As I had reread my entry yesterday, I was reminded that this new venture is only as successful as my faith allows it to be. Fighting the anxiety is one thing, surrendering it–letting go of it is the great faith. In so doing I can be at peace during this preparation time. One of the questions I asked my mentor yesterday was about preparation for the counseling session. Her response was to prepare your mind and spirit by removing most of the questions you feel you need to ask and allowing the Holy Spirit to prompt the questions one should ask at the right moment. Trusting The Holy Spirit is KEY to GREAT FAITH! Wow, it is a lifetime lesson and well worth the learning.

Each day brings me one day closer to actually starting the new venture of counseling. This morning I am going to meet with the retired licensed counselor who will work with me as we begin this. This coming Friday afternoon we will meet with our first person. He has volunteered to be this first one. He knows me well and I know him well. I also know what he wants to address in counseling and I relate well to it. However, it will be great for me to simply witness this process through the work of an experienced Christian counselor.

I have to say that my anxiety builds as I face this new ministry. I know the truth and I fight the lies. The flesh in me wants to submit to the lies, yet, I know beyond any shadow of doubt God’s leading me so I surrender these lies to Him and listen for the still small voice of The Holy Spirit who says to Trust and Obey. This I want to do well.

As I was reading the first chapter of Romans this morning in the Passion Bible I thought I was reading an article about living in today’s world. What Paul was writing 2000 years ago is hugely prevalent and indicative of our society today. It was as though the Word was not only relevant, but alive. It was then that I was nudged to realize God is wanting me to believe not just the Word I was reading, but to also believe as strongly the very One who motivated man to write this Word.

The realities of being a new creation are growing within me. I believe much more and question less these past few months. But, God is now wanting me to quit trusting more and simply TRUST. The need to question at times is one thing–it brings clarity. But to doubt, as I’ve so readily done in my past to the point of walking away from His nudges, is what I am to face today. As I was journaling this morning Jesus was reminding me that not only is He on the throne of my life, His very Holy Spirit indwells me. I have full access to Him. However, He only acts if I choose to believe–Trust.

I love how faithful God is with His teaching. He just keeps bringing forth His lessons in meaningful ways so we can grow another anchoring root into HIs Kingdom living.

In Romans 1:17 in the Passion Bible it reads, “The gospel unveils a continual revelation of God’s righteousness–a perfect righteousness given to us when we believe. And it moves us from receiving life through faith, to the power of living by faith.” I had to stop reading and reread this several times. Of late, God has been pressing in on me the need to better understand His Gift of The Holy Spirit. I have received The Holy Spirit through faith by asking Jesus into my life. Living by the power of faith in The Holy Spirit within me is a very different step of belief.

The book of Acts reveals over and over again the anointing of The Holy Spirit on the lives of many, many people who had hands laid on them by the apostles. Their lives had changed abundantly as The Holy Spirit came upon them at the start of Acts. This Holy Spirit is the same Holy Spirit we have living within us today.

I am learning to believe that God wants me to not only house His Holy Spirit, but to open myself to His Power by living this faith and doing so very intentionally. Opening my mind and spirit to The Holy Spirit is a belief I never want to doubt again.

The reality of GRACE. Last night I taught the lesson on Grace for our Celebrate Recovery group. There was so much I needed to learn about this Spiritual Gift God has given to each one of us. I use to equate Grace to Kindness. Grace is kind, but one can be kind simply because he is a kind person. An infant can be treated with kindness which has nothing to do with Grace. If one doesn’t know sin, one cannot understand Grace. If one is in denial of their sin/s, they still don’t know Grace. Grace comes to life in our personal understanding when we begin to realize God has removed the punishment we deserve and replaced it with love and acceptance. We get GRACE instead of judgment.

I lived in denial most of my life of my own sins. I measured my sins against those done to me by my brother and my dad. There is no grace in this. Satan had me believing lies rather than my seeing the beauty of God’s forgiveness and His Grace. There is no freedom found in comparing one’s sins with another one. My own sins came before me as I recognized my struggle with porn. Even more, I recognized this battle when I began the counseling which followed the first year of Celebrate Recovery. My sins were mine. I realized God’s work with dad, God’s work with Rich, God’s work with me–all due to GRACE and FORGIVENESS. This model He wants us to learn with His Holy Spirit’s help who lives within us.

God is kind. But kindness is taken to an extreme level when Grace engulfs it through the work of Jesus Christ on the cross and the sacrifice our Father God gave us through Him.

Give thanks with a grateful heart! “I will free you when you give Me thanks.” This line was part of my devotional message this morning. I had while journaling, just minutes before, asked God for strength to stand up to a challenge I face and then I read this line in the first paragraph of my devotional reading. Trusting God with everything in our lives is such a shift. In my humanness I tend to only take to God what I battle and then lose–or fear losing. Then and only then do I bring it to God. There was a time in my life when I thought that this is the right way to live. However, the older I get the more I awaken to the truth that God wants to be the center of all my life and living. He wants me to bring all things to Him–big or small for He is interested in my entire being.

Trusting God ahead of His Work is such a huge step of Faith. It is one I still need to learn for each day’s living. Today, I trust!