Moving from knowing to believing. God is truly wanting me to grab ahold of this and anchor into believing. I am well aware that childhood abuse which extended into multiple years has crippling effects of one’s belief system. This is what man has said all along. But, this is not what the word of God says. The word of God says that “all things are possible to him who believes”. Mark 8:23.

I would have to write another book in order to walk one through all that God is having me realize in these present days. The thinking errors I wrote about yesterday need to be tied to God’s Word. They are the distortions of truth which Satan thrives on and we take hold of. However, God is making it abundantly clear that we no longer need to hang onto these errors of thinking. Knowing something is too often left in the flesh of our being. Believing is something that is of our spirit and God’s Strength is found in His Spirit within us. Believing is a portion of this Strength. I’m staying with believing and working to help others do the same.

In our counseling program I continue to sit in on one of the sessions led by a retired licensed counselor. I always walk away from these sessions with insights. Some of these insights are new applications I can use or the session reinforces for me the steps I’m taking with a client. Last night was one of new insight I can use AND I can apply to me personally.

When I was with my brother-in-law a week ago he asked if I ever found the insights I share with a client equally applicable to me? These are times when The Holy Spirit gives advice from your own mouth that make you wonder where that came from? You just know its source–God’s Holy Spirit. Yes, often I found this to be true, I told him.

Last night in the session I observe, the counselor used a tool called Thinking Errors. I knew this term from my educational years as it applied to students thinking about their learning ability and for teachers and their teaching abilities. It was used last night in the context of ones being stuck in a belief that isn’t true, but it is for them (in their mind). As I heard this I knew I needed to go deeper into this for some of my own clients as well as for myself.

This morning I downloaded a pdf outlining these thinking errors and each one’s definition. In it I found a gold nugget! It clarified for me a belief I’ve had tied to yesterday’s post. I don’t need to fight a belief that isn’t true. I simply can yield it to my Savior who created me to be the new creation I am today. I can believe this because this is the real truth. All of Satan’s deceptive ways can be yielded to Jesus who has conquered this deception. My action is not to be to fight, but to yield.

This morning as I was praying over my prayer list, I came upon the name of a young person with their name circled. I do this when the person has specific, difficult needs so I remember to bring the needs out in my prayer. As I was praying I asked God to not let their struggle determine their life journey. As I prayed this I couldn’t help but think how much of my own life had been determined by my own struggle.

Satan has very devious ways of making a struggle into an identity. When this happens we feel helpless to live life with the struggle staying in that category. We might as well give it full reign over our lives for this is the way we were created–this is the victim’s thinking. I know this. Even though I didn’t step into my struggle, I kept it a secret until it was eating me alive for I thought it was my identity. When I finally got help, it took several years to get the struggle back into a place of struggle so my identity was in Christ alone.

My struggle was a same sex one tied to my childhood abuse, but I now know that most if not all addictions can take the role of identity if we don’t face it and find Christ’s identity for ourselves. The journey is not easy, but the Light at the end of the road is always CHRIST JESUS and HE is worth all effort on our part!

The intimacy of God has no limits. Yet, why do I put so many limits on my own intimacy? This is a huge character defect I possess. Touch and proximity are areas I’ve always struggled with, especially when the touch is unexpected or someone wants to linger with their touch. My red flags scream at me. However, God wants to be intimately close to me and His Spirit lives within me. As a new creation I am beginning to now see my need to let this struggle come into the Light of God which is His Healing Light.

God has given to each of us a discerning spirit. The sins of my past taught me things that were never to be true lessons from God. These are things like–touch is always abuse, touch leads immediately to sin, a lengthen hug means I want you for sex. These disgusting lies are ones Satan wants me to keep. God, on the other hand, wants me to allow Him to heal/remove them by not hiding them, instead, He wants me to give them over to Him so He can bring the healing His Intimate Light provides. He wants me to use His gift of discernment to notify me when red flags are flying. Touch is a gift of intimacy and I am seeing that so much more clearly today.

I didn’t realize how emotionally drained I was until I got up this morning. I had a moment where I thought Folgers may not be enough to get this old man in gear! However, I’m up and at it, just a little slower paced.

I lived a long time not understanding how devoted God is to relationships. Everything about Him is connected to relationships. Even the universe is created to have relationship with itself. When we get to the intimate relationship God wants to have with us, well, it’s not different. We are created with emotions, intellect, flesh, spirit, senses, and more. God wants us to use all of what He gave us to worship and be in fellowship with Him.

When I was younger I thought I could only share some of my thoughts with God because the others “perverted”, sometimes angry ones, sometimes selfish ones, etc. I could only share with God what were the thoughtful, loving ones which seemed like Him. I’ve learned over time that the creator who created us wants all of us to be shared with Him. He created a way of escape for all of the thoughts and actions to be forgiven and erased if we follow His Lead by accepting Christ as our Savior and confessing to Him. He wants our relationship to be complete with Him. Our God is so amazing! The intimacy and care He gives us is beyond what we can humanly understand, yet with what I do understand, I give Him PRAISE!

It is now the day after. Yesterday’s service for Debbie Wolfe was one of the nicest, finest celebrations of life I’ve ever witnessed. The church poured out their love for her family members and the family itself did a wonderful job expressing their own love. It was a moment in time to treasure. Following the service and the fellowship time , the family gathered at Debbie and Dwight’s home to continue connecting with one another. God was greatly glorified and a servant who loved Him well was honored.

I’m always touched and amazed when I see God at work. It seems most, if not all, families have their areas of dispute. However, God is never glorified until these disputes are addressed and settled. Some of that took place during this time and I love seeing this. How God uses all things to soften the hearts of His kids is something to behold. Helping His kids to express this heart softening is another tremendous miracle. Only God knows how to do this with His children. I know He will use this time to grow His kids too. What a loving Father we all have!

The day has arrived for my brother-in-law’s wife’s service. Yesterday afternoon and evening most of her family was able to come and spend time here. Kids and grandkids were also here. It was a joyful time it seemed for most if not all. Debbie was a cheerfully spirited person so the afternoon and evening was a good representation of her and how she would want this time to be.

Taking part in the celebration of life today will be a simple moment of giving to this family I love. Debbie had wanted her husband Dwight to sing Amazing Grace for her service. When Dwight told her that would be too difficult for him, they agreed I should do it. Most of the service will be family sharing briefly about their mom, grandma, family member and friend. All of this is a very clear reminder that our lives do count even in the moments of days when we have no idea how that could be.

As I was journaling this morning it seemed Jesus was asking me if it is well with my soul? If it isn’t, if there is something standing in the way, it is the right time to take care of it. It seems God is always waiting with the door wide open for us to enter into His presence to rectify anything that is on our mind or heavy on our hearts. There’s no need to wait. Waiting only hinders us. Today, as I enter into its events, I do so with things settled. God is so kind and good. Lets serve Him well today!

I’ve lived a long time wishing I could somehow know the life of a new creation only to find that the missing element was “believing” and the confidence of believing. In the flesh believing is something like hope. It isn’t tangible. However in spirit, belief is a substance as solid as concrete is to us in the flesh.

This all seems very relevant today as I write this. We arrived at my brother-in-law’s place yesterday to assist with the celebration of life service for his wife. It will be tomorrow. It is a tearful, yet joyous time for his wife was one of life’s treasures as I wrote about previously. Being in their home reminds me of this so much–everything is cheery just as she was. This morning as I have been having my devotions God has been reinforcing for me the confidence one can have when we are not relying on ourselves to be a help, but relying on completing His reason for doing what we are doing. If this is so, He has already prepared the work and prepared us for it. I am not alone and I am never alone as I realize all of this as a new creation.

My brother-in-law is more like a brother. He knows me in ways even my own brothers don’t. God has used him to help me with so many recovery steps I’ve taken in the past 15 years. Our being here now with him is a chance to “return the favor” in whatever ways God has in mind. I want to cry with him and then rejoice with him for the lifetime of joy he was given with his wife. They were exceptional at passing that joy around to whomever they were with.

“…Joy comes in the morning” Psalms 30:5. Starting my day with Jesus is a habit I’ve had for quite some time. Before I had the counseling help I would have my devotional time to “find Jesus” for the day. I’d often awaken in the morning with my mind flooded with the problems of the day or potential problems that could occur. I would spend time in God’s Word and pray to release these problems to Jesus so they didn’t own me. I didn’t connect this practice to “JOY”, it was simply a practice of finding strength for the day and some level of assurance that I wasn’t going into it alone.

This focus of late on JOY has been so insightful. Joy is often connected to good news, a proud moment, a peaceful time, etc. More than anything else, I’m learning that Joy is/can be a state of mind or being. The assurance of Christ’s presence and His Holy Spirit within us will provide this assurance that Joy will come in spite of whatever circumstance we may presently be experiencing. Also, Joy is often connected to hope. This isn’t hope that man provides, but hope in Jesus Christ’s promise that “He will never leave us nor forsake us.” Deuteronomy 31:6-8 provides this promise along with many other passages throughout the Bible.

A new creation learns to rely on these promises and know they are for him as well as all others. It is a genuine JOY to believe this and know it is true.

JOY–Tomorrow Kathy and I will leave for western Oregon for the funeral of her younger brother’s wife. During this week I’ve also been working on the funeral for my sis Alice which will take place on Feb. 10. Both of these times are far from joyful, but I’ve been processing in my mind the topic of Joy during this time. The first joyful thing is they are both in heaven and I’m sure they’ve met. Both of these ladies were blessed with the gifts of love and laughter. Both had the unique ability to laugh one minute and then give the most sage advice in the next minute. They were intently interested in the person/s they were with. You loved being with them for this very reason.

I’m beginning to find that JOY will likely never be in the forefront of everything I do. It is the place I want to find no matter what is before me. What Jesus is showing me is that I can shorten the time for which I find JOY by making this my priority. I can apply the wisdom of The Serenity Prayer: accept what I cannot change, change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Learning to apply these steps quickly will allow JOY to surface knowing God is in charge–not me.