The beauty of Spring has really hit.  The daffodils and tulips are in their full beauty as I look out the window of my den.  The air is still (no wind) and the leaves are emerging on all the trees.  The flowering trees are lush in bloom right now.  Yes, I do love Spring!

As yesterday began it was calm for the first day all last week since coming home from Oklahoma.  I was wanting to get my lawn sprayed for dandelions and other weeds so I quickly got things ready and began the work.  My granddaughter had a basketball tournament I thought at 10:30 for which I was going.  I had finished the spraying and was eating a bowl of cereal when my daughter text me that she was at the game and where she was sitting (it was 9:55).  Kathy was already gone having left earlier for a bible study at the church.  She was driving separate of me.  I quickly left the house realizing the game was at 10 and not 10:30.  They usually last an hour so I knew I’d only catch the last two quarters being 30 minutes away.  I got within seeing the high school where the tournament took place to get a call from my son-in-law telling me the game was over.  They had played straight through.  Typically I  would have beat myself up at this point.  Instead, I laughed knowing Kathy had told me correctly, but I had logged it in my head incorrectly.  I’m sure we have all been there in our lives.  I had just felt bad I didn’t get to support my granddaughter.

Being a new creation, living it out day by day, is truly a transformation of our mind.  It is not a discipline as much as it is a belief.  I disciplined myself to be “new” forever.  Only now am I truly realizing that believing I’m new is what God has always wanted me to do.  It has only been since this change that the transformation kicks in.  This transformation is remarkable realizing I don’t need to beat myself up each time I make a simple error.  God is so patient with us.  His gifts are eternal.  He gives them to us and then waits for us to finally open the gift and receive it’s blessing.

I have been a Christian for 50+ years.  During this time I’ve spent most of it living as the old creation I was, fighting the haunting memories of abuse.  It is revealing to take a moment like this and realize the most haunting memories were the verbal abuses along with the sexual abuse.  These together had me believing for so long that I was gay just like my brother and much less valuable than most men.  A gay person wouldn’t be attracted to someone who wasn’t–would they?  Even though I know in my logical mind this isn’t true at all, it is something Satan has tried to keep me tormented and in bondage throughout my life.

Now that I’ve learned to trust God’s Grace, Christ’s work on the Cross, The Holy Spirit’s indwelling, I can better live the new creation life Christ made me to be so long ago.  I’m realizing how much of our life we waste and how much opportunity we miss completing God’s Kingdom work when we stay in hiding.  I use to equate tormenting temptations as part of me and my sinfulness.  God has fully shown me this is one of Satan’s biggest deceptions.  I was made clean and whole as a new creation and I can surrender each of these tempting moments knowing they no longer own me.  Join me in being free and find help if you are not able to believe this.  The lie has been labeled as such.  You don’t have to believe it ever again!

God continues to make all things new–including me.  Yesterday I had the conversation I needed with Kathy.  It was good to have done so.  I’m always amazed when these times come to find just how intimately personal God is with us.  He cares deeply for us but waits for us to be fully ready to understand Him, obey Him, hear Him or whatever is in the present situation.

Today I was reading in Exodus where the Israelites left Egypt after the night where God killed the first born of man and animal.  The Israelites had sacrificed the lamb and put the blood on the side posts and the cross bar above the door to their homes.  There was a footnote at this point written by Joyce Meyer.  She says that this was God’s old covenant with the Israelites.  Today we are freed from death by Christ’s shed blood on the Cross.  This is the new covenant.  She says to pray and conceptualize Christ’s blood purifying your mind, your soul, your body and spirit.  Along with it, purify whatever may torment you right now or have you in bondage.  It was good to read this and act on it.  I know my sins are forgiven by Christ’s shed blood but it is refreshing to be reminded of this freedom especially following the action God had me take in talking with Kathy yesterday.

God is the same God today as was with Moses when He led the Israelites out of Egypt.  Today He wants to lead us out of any bondage that may be gripping us.  Let Him do this if you are struggling in any way.  God is the Only True God and Christ’s work on the Cross of Calvary is the provider of freedom waiting for each of us.

Yesterday turned out to be quite the day.  I went to the school I was to work with only to find I was to be there Friday, not Wednesday.  Even though there were a couple things I could attend to, it was a goof-up on my part putting it incorrectly in my phone calendar.  I got home to find a myriad of things needing attention, insurance, my daughter’s car purchase and the rental she had after the wreck and more.  I spent much of the day working through issues which still are not resolved.  In the midst of this Kathy and I had a talk about our need to better connect with one another.

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson was Victory.  It goes into the fact that we have character defects (defective thinking) from our growing up years.  I certainly have had many and still have.  God is helping me with them and this morning He gave me much insight into a major one.  Last summer I wrote a post regarding my need to see my mom as a human and not as a super human.  I would never be able to forgive her for her absence when I desperately needed her as a child growing up with the abuse of dad and my brother.  (This advice was given to me by the counselor/therapist I had for 3 years.)  I was left all alone to figure out how I could be strong all by myself.  In this I found the habit of porn much later in life to salve my deep hurt.  Once I recognized this I was able to talk with mom (even though she’s gone from this earth) and forgive her for this void.

Much of my connection to Kathy has been tied to that emotional need deep within to be supported.  I hadn’t recognized this until God pointed it out this morning.  Now I can go to her and talk this through.  I don’t need a super-human as a wife, I need a human being who was given to me by God to complete me and I complete her.  Maybe this sounds silly to a reader, but to me, the writer, it makes perfect sense.  My defective thinking was tied to an inner wound I was wanting Kathy to fix even though she never could, when God wanted me to see that He does this as I see Kathy through His eyes and as His gift to me.  She isn’t a god, she is my wife–a human, with flaws just like me.  I don’t walk this road of recovery hoping to access her as needed, I walk it with her side by side each and every step of the way.  Thank you Father for this wake up!

Yes, the journey continues and I’m home.  Today I go to work with one of the schools I serve.  However, God this morning was needing to anchor me once and for all that what He has for me to do is all about Him.  I look at yesterday and know that Kathy and I got home very tired and in need of rest.  Kathy had her own agenda needing attention from one of our grandkids and she faithfully left to complete it.  I needed to address somethings here at home.  While I was alone and tired I began to doubt my capabilities to now start moving forward with the recovery ministries God has led me to.  Surely there is someone better equipped and just a better person to do this, I kept telling Him.  Has He forgotten already what my past is?  God, on the other hand had me reading His call to Moses this morning in the first five chapters of Exodus.  In it Moses was giving all kinds of excuses why he wasn’t the right person to complete God’s assignment for him.  I found myself in this big time.  So, as I journaled this morning I told God I know He is ready for me to use all of my past for His Glory Work.  He is already doing this and the fact we are expanding it is just something God wants done.  Yes, He can have someone else do it but He is asking me to be the one for this point in time.  I’m ready to begin.  I see my failures, but God sees Himself in me as I take each step of obedience.  We will do this and I will be an obedient servant.  God is so faithful and I want to be too.

We’re at the airport waiting to board our flight home. Last nights event was touching beyond words. It was truly one of the most spiritual moments I’ve experienced in my life. Having a child become a minister of God is a moment of humble pride. Experiencing her ordination was a privilege and honor. God is already using her in His Kingdom Work and it will be so nice to watch and see how this continues.

As we return home I’m eager to watch how God brings together our own recovery team. A week from today we will be meeting to head into the areas where recovery is being expanded. I know He is at work. God loves all His children in all of this world He created. No one is intended to stay in this bondage man and Satan create. The harvest is ripe. Let’s bring forth the workers for this field of service and recovery.

It is amazing to participate with God in what He is doing.  Keeping your hands out of His handiwork and only doing the part He leads you to do is, in itself, fulfilling.  My daughter’s big day is today!  To man she is being ordained as a pastor in the Nazarene Church.  To God she is telling the world she is ready to complete whatever assignment God will give her in His Kingdom Work.  It is funny looking how man labels and awards what man does and endorses what man is “qualified” to do.  When God calls us into work He does it from the heart level.  We often go through steps man has created for it, but for God’s work to be done in us, He simply wants obedience and a heart willing to say yes to Him as He leads each step of the Way.  More and more of this I can see as I continue my own journey with Him.

Last night the general superintendent of the Nazarene church spoke to the conference attendees for which we were a part due to my daughter’s involvement.  The entire message focused on the need for “workers in the field”.  The harvest is ripe all around us but the shortage of workers makes the harvest seem less ready.  The challenge for us is to be a willing worker in the harvest field God has placed us in.  I so appreciated the message for this is exactly what I see God doing in my own journey.  All my life He has wanted me to ready myself with the willingness to use His and my story as a tool for harvest in the field of hurt and abuse.  All along I thought my role needed to be to hide it so I could “look” worthwhile to do God’s Kingdom Work.  Yet, God has now shown me fully that it is what I was hiding that He wanted in the open for this is exactly what others needed to know.  It was safe to bring their past into the open for God’s Healing Light to penetrate the evil darkness and bring wholeness through His Healing touch.

Tomorrow there will likely not be a message here.  We leave for the airport heading home at about 5 am so I doubt I’ll get to this unless I do it on my phone at the airport.  We’ll see what God wants at that point.

To blog honestly and openly here I need to address something that is on my heart.  In coming to be with my daughter for her ordination, my ex-wife and her ex-husband are also all coming.  Her ex-husband is already here.  She comes tonight.  We are all staying at my daughter’s home.  Yes, it is awkward but I know if I were my daughter with the same circumstances, I’d want it this way too.  I also know God is wanting this to take place also.  I’ve wondered if there were things I need to bring out from days gone by to be sure there are no walls still there from our past?  However, nothing comes to mind.  It seems God is simply wanting this to happen.  Tonight it will begin.  This  weekend event is for my daughter so that is the number one focus.  I don’t want it to be make into anything other than that. So, I simply go into these few days openly knowing if God wants something done, He will nudge at the moment.  I will be present and see what develops.

This morning I am meeting with the husband of the friend of my daughter I met with earlier this week.  He is a very quiet man.  I’ve pondered what I should say to get an open conversation started.  However God is checking all my thoughts.  I know that silence in conversation is important when thoughts are needing to be put into spoken words.  So, I will wait when this is needed.  I just know I’m to be present.

I’m so glad I’ve had the earlier experience this week of finding out I’m ok with myself.  With the weekend bringing forth what it is, I’d easily go into a state of physically being present, but emotionally being walled off.  This is not the case.  God is so good.  Now to step into it and watch Him work.

Today is Friday the 13th and it is also my daughter’s birthday where I presently am.  I remember the principal walking into my classroom about 9:30-10:00 am telling me I needed to take a phone call and she would watch my class.  I was puzzled but went to the office to find my wife was in labor and needed to leave for the hospital.  I was told to go and all would be fine at school.  Several hours later this gift was delivered to us.  She continues to be God’s gift not only to us but to so many others in her life.  Next Monday she will be ordained as a pastor in the church of the Nazarene.  Happy birthday Amber!

Yesterday was an interesting day emotionally off and on thinking through the application of loving oneself.  I did talk to Kathy, Amber and her husband Jason.  Each of them said that saying, “I love you” to yourself was not something they had done.  They saw what God has given them and the flaws they have as a person.  Yet, they enjoy being who they are.  I am realizing that man in his flesh is never satisfied with himself or anything else.  It seems to be a basic nature of man to never be satisfied in his flesh.  However, God wants us to realize He created this new creation and gave us His Holy Spirit when we accepted His Son into our hearts.  This new creation is who we are to love and to realize more and more how to submit to God’s leadership.  While we do this we find that God’s characteristics become more and more our own.  These are called the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.

To simply be at peace with who I am is a miracle unto itself.  I believe that is what God has been wanting me to find first and foremost.

Yesterday morning I spent a couple hours with a friend of my daughter who has a history of childhood abuse.  She is receiving the same therapy as I had a few years back.  We were able to talk deeply about the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bondage that grips us.  However, it doesn’t need to stop there for God is a God of healing and yes, healing is for the abused too.

In the later part of our conversation I was asked by this friend if I were able to love myself?  I instantly teared up.  I told her I appreciated her question for I have always wanted to love myself but my dad’s voice still screams in my head when a topic like this would come forth.  How could one love oneself when you were nothing but a disappointment to the most important man in your life and along with that, an attraction to a brother for sexual perversion?  However, I knew the second I heard the question I was needing to address this personally for me.  I thanked her for asking it and that I would need to spend some time with God regarding it.  I told her I believe all of us suffering from childhood abuse intensely struggle with this question.  It is part of what Satan grips tightly.  If he can keep us thinking we are less than others, we will always be in bondage to others.

This morning as I brought this question to God He made it very clear that loving oneself is not arrogance.  He said that flaunting oneself is arrogance.  Loving oneself is the best boundary we have protecting us.  Yes, it did get destroyed for me, but He was glad I was now ready to ask it.  I was able to write that I do enjoy laughing at what is funny to me, reading what is interesting to me, talking deeply with people about issues needing to be unraveled, working in the soil and growing all that will grow in it and so much more.  I love this and I do love this person called Earnie who does these things.  I enjoy being me.  As I was able to write this God brought the scripture to mind that says:  “Love your neighbor as yourself….” Mark 12:30-31.  At this point one more astounding thing happened, I heard my little Earnie tell me, welcome home.  Once upon a time I had loved being me and today I will start the journey of being one with myself.  I found this incredible, but it is, I know, where God wants me to be.