The journey today has already begun.  It actually started last night at the Conquer class I am in Tuesday evenings.  The DVD speaker said for each of us to identify the 4 prophetic promises God has given to us during our life.  We were to go back in life reflecting on the times when we knew God had spoken to us and write down the message He was giving at that time.  These promises were to then be used to combat Satan’s attacks on us during the day.  When I heard this command my spirit knew it was a critical one to do but it didn’t resonate within me with meaning.  When we were done with our small group discussion following the large group time watching the DVD I asked the others to tell me what the command given to us to write down the 4 prophetic promises meant.  I found that they were as stymied as I was.  We did agree that we were to spend time reflecting on God’s message to us from specific points in our past.  That became my assignment for this morning while having my devotions.

As I got to my journaling time, I asked God to help me know these 4 times and what His message was to me.  I immediately wanted to write down a time when I was about 10 but God quickly reminded me that the moment I was referencing was about His Holy Spirit, not Him.  The only other time I could come up with was a time my sophomore year in college when I came across a song that has run through my mind ever since.  I don’t know the name of it but the words are:  I met God today in the whispering trees, His voice speaking tenderly telling me of His wonderful love, whispering these words to me:  I love you, I love you.  I want you to know I’m with you I’m with you wherever you go.  These are the words that I heard God say beneath the trees, beside the stream today.  I can’t begin to tell you the countless times I’ve had this song come to mind particularly as I begin my day with devotions.  Until today I’ve sung it in my mind thanking God for loving me.

This morning had a different take on the words of the song.  This morning God asked me to believe the words.  This morning He asked me to finally believe I am able to be loved and that I can receive love.  My mind quickly began to tell him the reasons I couldn’t relating back to my childhood day.  Never once in all my years did I ever feel loved or accepted.  I felt appreciated a couple times by my mom when I’d do something extra nice for her, but loved???  Then God told me my prophetic promise is simply this:  I AM LOVED.  He reminded me of so many times (far more than 4) that He has told me this message and now is the time for believing it.  He also said the 4 of last night is a man’s assignment.  His assignment is for me to believe the one prophetic promise–I AM LOVED.

I know that God is getting to root of why He wanted me to begin journaling to Him 6+ weeks ago.  He has been wanting me to believe that HE-my Heavenly Father-loves me.  He led me down a quick path of remembrance regarding my doing.  As long as I am doing, I feel fine.  However, when I stop doing, I instantly start slipping into this unbelief.  Now is the time to believe that in being–simply being me–I AM LOVED.

The journey today has begun with some similar interruptions to yesterday.  I took my granddaughter to her home to drop off her dog and clothes and then on to her school.  Her mom is home so that is good.  Other disruptions came along keeping me from coming home until now so I could sit down and write today’s blog.

I had said yesterday that my spirit was troubled and I couldn’t put a finger on the why.  It proved to be accurate but there was no way I could know this until I got into the day’s events.  I went to the school district where I will be doing some part-time work in November and December.  One of the job assignments is overseeing students at risk in the district.  The morning started with me attending a meeting regarding of of these students.  One of the first things said is that this young man had a long history of sexual abuse from his father and step father.  He has now lived in a series of foster homes.  He has 4 siblings all of which are with relatives.  However, he was seen to be too troubled (abused) by relatives to take him.  In hearing all of this I, for the first time, heard the details through the ears of one who has been abused in his past.  I felt the pain of this young man but I didn’t shut down internally as I have always done in times past and felt that compelling need to flee.  I was able to talk with the team reasonably during the meeting and stay emotionally connected inside.  I I knew God was bringing about real healing as I experienced this.

So, my question has become–How does our spirit know this is going to take place?  Just as soon as the meeting started and I heard this young man’s background I then knew why my spirit was troubled.  There is something very tangible in this spirit world that our human side is totally oblivious to.  I would sure like to know more about this but will have to learn this over time.  Today is a new day and all is well.

This day has begun with some interruptions that don’t usually fit into a “retired man’s” schedule.  I’m headed to a school district where I will be doing some part-time work for a couple months beginning the first of November and my granddaughter needs to get to school.  She has spent the weekend with us.  Thus, I’m up with a schedule and little time to get this written.

My spirit is not at peace today and I can’t put a finger on it.  These interruptions are not so uncommon that they would disturb me.  Yet, for some reason I am feeling very guarded.  I’ve already given it to God and will simply be on the lookout for what may be contributing to it.  In times past I would simply steel myself from a day like this and work through the day disallowing any feelings to interfere.  Today, now that I’m living in a new creation, I want to give credible attention to the feeling in case they have relevant meaning.  All of this sounds so odd as I write it.  I’ll simply have to live the day and see what develops.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  I’ve always like this saying and I’ll live it today.

There is something continuously amazing about serving God our Father.  One day we have no means of moving forward and then in just a few hours there are decisions to make about which way do we go to move forward?  Yesterday’s session with our Aslan board brought about three different possibilities for us.  Each one of them has potential and has a green light in front of it.  Now we as a board can take the time and reflect with God upon which direction He is taking us.  I’m very grateful to be at this juncture.  All the board was in complete agreement that we need to move forward with the property.  Now it is–which one?

There is something I am learning about being a new creation and living as such.  Living as a new creation depends solely on the strength of the Lord.  My word, I’ve sung songs about this all my life and have read hundreds of scriptures about this but it has never clicked into place until now.  My measuring stick for living as a new creation had always been to make sure my past was hidden and that I didn’t act out from the torment of hiding my past.  This new creation was what I was going to go to the grave living.  However, there is so much bondage in it.  That bondage is what God was wanting to free me from.  Now that I’m living on the other side of it, there is some insecurity and yet tremendous security.

I’ve never lived totally dependent on God’s leading in my life until now.  I hate to say this, but I did lean on my own understanding contrary to what Proverbs 3:5 says.  I was scared to death to risk living with my past fully exposed and for me to be the person I was on the inside living as such to the world around me.  The scripture reads we are to:  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  The insecurity I feel is more about the fact that I have never lived with such surrender until now.  It’s like when I start a new job and I know I am where I need to be but I don’t even know where to park the car when I arrive.  I trust there will be a place to park, but I haven’t driven here before.  This insecurity is real, but it is minimal and would never keep me from taking the job.  Well, the same is now true for living the life of a new creation.  I know where to park, but the job is so new, I don’t know the ones well I’m working with.  I realize now that this someone is God my Father.  I am learning how amazing He is and I do trust Him.  I know He knows me and that He has invited me to live this life fully with Him in complete surrender and confidence.  He’s given me His Son as my model and He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide each and every step.  Maybe this is like learning to walk all over again.  This time however, I’m walking with Jesus and His Holy Team.  Amen and Amen.

Today our board members for Aslan Christian Academy meet.  We will actually go look at the property two of us visited last Wednesday.  For some reason we have not been able to light on a property  up to this point.  I know that God’s timing is perfect and right.  I would love to see the work of Aslan move forward so I’d appreciate prayers this morning that we will know beyond a shadow of a doubt what God’s Spirit is telling us.  God’s Spirit only has His message.  I pray we know this One Message today.

One of the men I’ve been meeting with one on one text me last night saying he was going to his son’s concert.  His son recently announced to family and friends that he is gay and living in a relationship.  This father is struggling to know how to respond to this but he wants to show support for his son. Supporting his son is different from supporting his son’s sin.  We all struggle with this no matter what the sin is.  We want to support the sinner but not support the sinner’s sin.  Man looks at all of this and says we can’t separate the two.  As a believer in Jesus Christ the Son of the Living God, I know I must separate these two.  I’ve certainly learned this with my involvement in Celebrate Recovery and simply living life for 66 years.  I know that God does this all the time and throughout the world with all of His people.  His Holy Spirit is constantly working with us to support us while shedding light on our sinfulness.  I know God wants us to support our fellow man and He will shed the light on the sinfulness of man.  I ache for this father and I actually ache for his son.  Our society in this arena is standing in complete opposition to the sin of homosexuality.  It is attempting to teach the opposite of what God’s word says.  God’s Holy Spirit is faithful in that He will keep working with this son, but Satan has society on his side in this and that makes the deception all the more enticing.  How ugly sin is.

God is telling me to be bold in standing for Him.  I want to do this in His Name.  This new creation that I am will stand for all that God’s Word says.

As I was journaling just a few minutes ago I was asking God to show me His plan for today.  Instantly He reminded me that today is His plan.  I was wanting to know what He wanted me to do for Him today.  He was reminding me that today is His plan.  He is in all that takes place today.  It doesn’t matter if I am planting tulips like yesterday afternoon, or rototilling my garden, watching my granddaughter’s volleyball game, He is in all of the day.  I am to be a torchbearer in the day shining God’s light throughout it.  I suddenly realized that God is our best teacher.  He never quits on a lesson until we finally get it.  Even then I need to have review lessons so the learning goes deeply into my habits of living daily.  I am not to do for God, but to be for God.  The doing is simply part of every day.  I’ll probably need plenty of review lessons in this.

Yesterday was my youngest granddaughter’s birthday and Saturday is a grandson’s birthday.  Their party is on Sunday.  I look forward to this time.  There is nothing like spending time with grandkids to see what spirit-filled living looks like.  Yes, much of the spirit is the spirit of man but kids are in touch with their spirit.  I like to watch this and try to visualize myself being that free in living the freedom of God’s spirit-filled life.  He is teaching me and I am His new creation free to do this.  (So are you!)

I continue to be amazed at the oxymorons of God’s work within us and in our surroundings.  Last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson was POWERLESS.  Yesterday I quoted the scripture about how God’s strength is made know in our weakness–our powerlessness.  I have truly never been able to wrap my mind around this for me until most recently.  I have never been able to release my mind allowing me to see myself as weak until now.  If I made this release I would be nothing but vulnerable to any man’s attack on me whether sexual, physical or mental.  I had to stand my ground and be on guard.  I would try to do all of this tactfully so that I wouldn’t be considered egotistical as my dad would say, but I couldn’t ever be weak again as I had been through all the years of childhood abuse from dad and brother.  Now I more fully understand this scripture.  When I am weak–admitting my inability to control any other person’s actions or reactions, I fully submit to the fact that God is the very ONE working with these other people and also with me.  He is the one working through each of us waiting for us to allow Him full access to our lives.  I can do whatever my assignment is and let God do His part.  My anxiousness has dissipated and is replaced with a calm–“a peace that passeth all understanding” Philippians 4:7.

Yesterday I told you I was going with one other man to look at properties for Aslan Christian Academy.  We did find a couple of very viable sites we will take to our board this Saturday morning.  How I would love to see this ministry get roots.  The realtor showing us one of the properties kept mentioning how she is asked often when Aslan would get going? She has no connection to Aslan except her own personal interest having heard of Aslan from a friend.  God is always working even though we see through the glass darkly as said in I Corinthians 13:12.  I wait with anticipation to see what God’s next step for us is.

Today would be a perfect day for me to fall prey to temptation.  Kathy is gone all day and I’m working at home to get more of my yard work done before winter sets in.  I love this work but it does allow ample time for Satan to work on my old thought patterns.  Today, however, I am headed into the day with my team which has its human support and its spiritual support.  It is an odd sensation, but I am actually looking forward to being alone but knowing I am not ever alone anymore.  In my powerlessness, I am strong because of God’s assurance that in my weakness He is STRONG.

Today is day 2 of being a new creation.  Actually, it is day 2 of my being accountable to believing this truth.  The more yesterday went on, the more real this became.  Thee is no doubt this morning that I needed to take this step.  I said yesterday that I needed substance to fight the battle of the mind with.  Last night’s Conquer class addressed this substance.  I should have known this all along, but somehow when I’m caught in the emotional struggle of belief I forget that God’s promises in His word are the very substance for this battle.  This battle is not of flesh and blood as stated in Ephesians 6:12.

Today’s journey is taking me into properties that could be the home for our Aslan Ministry–the one for trafficked girls.  We have had such a difficult time securing this property.  Today we are looking at four potential sites.  Join me in praying that God will show us just exactly what He is wanting for this ministry location.  Everything is stymied in moving forward until we get this secured.

Tonight I am telling our Celebrate Recovery group about my commitment to live one day at a time as a new creation.  You might be thinking that I need to get a grip but I’m telling you that I know I need all the support I can get in facing this.  I have never in all my 66 years been able to face this giant with God’s foundational strength.  This time, with His promises as II Corinthians 12:9 says:  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  There I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  In His Power I will overcome.

My journey starts today committing to believe I am a new creation and live that way.  I am committing to call my accountability as thoughts contrary to this come or if I am tempted to act contrary to this.  I have notified my accountability too.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times between yesterday and today I’ve wanted to tell myself–“Get over it!”  But, I can’t.  I have to face this so I can walk in the assurance of God’s redeeming love and grace for me.  This is not a position of a arrogance as one of the voices in my head wants me to believe.  It is a truth of love and grace from God our Father.  My accountability partner just reminded me that I have an awesome team to lend a hand.  My role is to reach out to them as these times of doubt come.

Earlier this morning I was struggling with the fact that I am 66 years old and fighting the same patterns I fought when I was a teenager.  The only difference is that now I’m telling it.  The voices were telling me that I’ve failed all these years.  What makes me think it will be different now?  I am convinced (fearfully) that I will have an answer for those voices at some point in my journey ahead.  I do have an answer for them even now–but I want my answer to have substance to it along with my belief that God loves me dearly just as He loves each one of you and the billions of others in this world of His.

So, to make this real I have to post it so my next step is to hit the publish button so any reader can know this.  If any one of you wants to join me in this journey, God is wanting you to believe the same as he wants me believing.

Today is the birthday of a dear friend.  He and I have been singing together for the past 48 years.  He has been the confidant God provided, and like Kathy, has been there at the times I needed support but couldn’t ask for it.  God showed him my need and he didn’t even know what it was, yet he reached out.  That is a real friend.

Yesterday, the new step study for Celebrate Recovery participants who have done the first step study more than once met and went over the first lesson–Denial.  This lesson unearthed for me some truths I have needed to address but hadn’t been able to put words to them.  In the past several weeks you know I’ve been journaling to God rather than Jesus.  This has exposed a belief in me of my unworthiness of such a tremendous Father even though He created me.  This period of time has also named the throne for which Christ sits in our heart.  This time has led me to a couple people who have helped me see that most of my issue is my belief system.  So, yesterday’s lesson on denial focused me on this issue–my belief that I don’t deserve God as Father, Christ on the throne of my life, and His Holy Spirit fully within me.  The boldness the Holy Spirit would give is stymied. This led me to tears many times.  One person came to me after church yesterday morning wanting me to tell her more about this internal battle.  She is one of the two I’d talked to. Even before I could tell her, she told me.  She said she could see and sense my internal strife.

This morning I am challenged to take a bold step and proclaim the truth–“I am a new creation and I will walk this day in this truth.  Any belief or temptation that tries to interfere will be immediately surrendered and told to my accountability partners.”  I haven’t done it, but writing it here helps prepare me.  Why I am so bothered about making this statement is its own battle.  I already hear the voices telling me–“Earnie, what are you going to do when this doesn’t pan out?  You will be so humiliated once again.  You are fine the way you are.  Let it go.”  I recognize this lie but it nearly paralyzes me simply stating it here.  I need to take this step.  I want to take this step.

I don’t tell all of this to get sympathy but I would appreciate your prayers.  I also pray that if this defines any reader’s struggle, I am praying for you.