This morning I couldn’t help but reflect on Jesus’ message to me yesterday. In a counseling session last night (one I still observe from when we started last June), the counselor had the counselee address a traumatic event in his childhood from three different angles. In so doing the counselee was able to be freer from its tormenting dreams and lingering bondage. It was a good tool to add to my growing list I can use with my own counselees.

The process made me wonder about the sexual abuse I endured from my brother. I don’t have nightmares about it any longer, but I do sometimes have dreams about being sought out. I also have the tormenting temptations. I wondered if I should walk through this process using my own story? It isn’t one event–there were hundreds of times. I will talk to the counselor I observed about this. However, when I asked Jesus about it this morning, He reminded me of sin’s consequences. Temptations are not sin and they don’t have to be acted upon. I can always say no to them, confess them to my sponsor friend and walk away. I know this and take these steps.

God is opening my mind to new learning in areas I’ve always been curious about, but now I can use them with His Help for the sake of others and even my own continued growth. Living this life as a new creation is a lesson unto itself. I never want to stop learning from our Great Teacher!

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been reflecting on the difference between having Christ’s Help vs having Christ’s Leadership. I’ve written about this a couple different times, but it has not been resolved until today. When I was journaling I found myself wanting deeper clarity on this topic so I wrote out what I thought the differences were and then I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know. This is what I heard:

“You are asking things only few get to in their lifetime of living in the flesh. It doesn’t mean I don’t respond, but it does mean–will you respond? You have looked to a few of My people (Mother Teresa, Oswald Chambers, and Watchman Nee) who dedicated their living for me. It wasn’t what I did, it’s what they did. They yielded themselves to always saying YES to Me, no matter the cost to them. Their obedience is what they gave Me. This is what I simply ask of you each and every day. Is that price too big? I don’t think so, for the consequences for obedience are souls won for Me and souls finding freedom beyond salvation, as you well know. This, My son, is allowing Me to Help. You must choose the decision to take all the help and act on each one, not the “some” which are easier or more comfortable.”

I have been afraid to trust my “leadership” for my life. It would be so much easier if Jesus simply took the lead and I would simply follow. However, it became very clear that He will never take away choice. Obedience is always a choice. I see my pride as my major stumbling block. I don’t want to look like dad and his pride. However, Christ says to take my eyes off of dad and place them on Him. This is my first step of obedience for today.

Today, I began my journaling as I always do each morning. When I got to the end of my part and asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, I heard a voice unfamiliar to me. I started to write what I was hearing but felt this uncanny sense that this was not Christ’s voice. I stopped writing and rebuked this voice in Jesus’ Powerful Name. As I began to write again, the unfamiliar voice was gone and the voice I always hear was now present. I knew the other voice was that of evil, but wondered why today? As I got into my devotional reading I knew why.

Last Thursday in Celebrate Recovery one of our young men asked for prayer for a court hearing he has today. I put a post-it note in my devotional on today’s date so I’d remember to pray for him. It is a very ugly case which involves blatant sin where evil thrives. When I saw the note I stopped and prayed in Jesus’ Powerful Name to thwart all that Satan wants to take place today and let His Will be done in this courtroom. It was at that point the “peace that passeth all understanding” settled in me. I knew then that Jesus Christ will help this young man today and he will know He is in God’s Care.

What a caring and gracious God we serve!

Yesterday was one of those days where a good deal was put into place that had been hanging, waiting for the right time. It started with my brothers and wives coming over after church. When our sis Alice passed away the day after Thanksgiving, we have been waiting for the date to be set for her celebration of life. She lives in S. California and her own family reside there. It has been set for February 10 which allowed us to book our flight, car rental, lodging, etc. It also frees my mind now to focus on her service and what I want to say honoring her precious life. My niece has asked that I conduct her service. I asked my oldest living brother if he would give a tribute and he said he would. He is just two years younger than Alice. He usually declines these offers so I was joyful that he said yes.

Later in the day we had our Celebrate Recovery leadership Christmas party. This coming Thursday is our “Christmas blessing” night. Scriptures of promise are drawn from a bowl and the scripture is read over the person whose name you draw. We all look forward to this. It’s something we have done now for all 15 years. These promises/blessings always bring hope to ones who have felt hopeless. I look forward to the sharing of these again. My devotional said it well this morning. Its title is: “Step into the flames of first-love passion”. It reads in part, …Beautiful one, I invite you to step into that first-love passion again. I am always drawing you closer to myself. I am stoking the flames of sacred desire within you….” This is exactly what these blessings do–stoke the flames of sacred desire within us giving new hope and passion to trust God fully as we strive to live for Him. I love this!

As I sit here in front of the computer, I’m wondering what I should write? I know what I should, but it is always difficult to confess our weakness/s. I took a moment to read yesterday’s entry and knew I was to follow it up with what I write today. The past several weeks and months I’ve been tested like I’ve never been for many years. Some days I couldn’t surrender it fast enough in order for the same temptation to hit again. I’d find myself just wanting to run, cover my ears to stop the voices, etc. Yet, God is faithfully present and all of this has lessened a great deal. This morning as I journaled about this, God reminded me of what I wrote yesterday regarding a sponsor. Then James 5:16 comes to mind: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

God is reminding me that swallowing my pride and admitting all of this weakness in my flesh is the right thing to do. I know this so well, yet I struggle to practice it on my own. I suppose we all have this to some degree. A new creation works to lessen the amount of time between struggle and confession. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m still of the flesh!

Yesterday, my younger brother went with me to change out some doorknobs which needed replaced at our daughter’s home. I could possibly do this myself, but anytime I try, I almost always end up calling him to finish what I can’t work through. It is so much easier to simply have him come with me and take the lead. I’m always so grateful afterwards. He has all of it done in a short period of time and we enjoy the time together while the work is being done.

This morning as I was reflecting on the thanksgiving of having a brother gifted in these areas, I was prompted to take a moment and compare this to having a sponsor in Celebrate Recovery. A sponsor is someone who may not have the exact struggle you do, but he is not anxious about tackling it. These types of struggles he knows are not his, he relies on his ability to see the steps as they come, do what he is to do and let God do what He needs to do. All this can be done while you enjoy being together. The anxiety is gone when you have someone you trust taking the steps with you.

I have learned to go to my brother for help. He is very trustworthy in his skills. A good sponsor is just the same. The important part in this is reaching out when you’re needing help. It is OK to not be OK. The only thing wrong with this is when we stay in the not OK mode with our thinking/worrying/temping without reaching out for help. The end result of reaching out is the enjoyment of having someone share the struggle with you and finding how easy it is to let the struggle go when you take this step. We all need this reminder.

Tonight our quartet is singing for a Christmas party of about 50-60 people. It is hosted by a dear lady who annually invites friends to celebrate this Christmas time together. She always includes those who are hurting to give them a lift. The time is more of a singspiration than a concert. Each year when this happens the gentleman who leads this event asks for me to sing “O Holy Night”. He called yesterday morning asking if I’d do this again. I was driving to a counseling appointment at the time so I thought I’d take advantage of the drive and sing through the song making sure I still remembered all of the words. As I got to the last verse which starts, “Truly He taught us to love one another. His law is love and His Gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother….” I couldn’t sing any longer.

I was flooded with thanksgiving for the multitude of chains Christ has broken for me. I had been such a slave to the haunting memories of my past. I had no idea what Freedom in Christ was even like. I’ve been singing this song since I was a sophomore in high school where I sang it for the first time in our school’s Christmas program. Each year since then I’ve sung it for numerous Christmas events. Tonight, however, I will sing it with a new creation’s thankfulness. I’m not sure I’ll make it through the song, but the message of thankfulness for this Holy Night where our Savior was born will be shared.

Today my baby sis turns 69. Does that mean she’s not a baby anymore? It’s funny how aging doesn’t change the mindset. Our age moves on, but how we see our family often stays the same. Either way, she is fun-fun-fun as well as a real prayer warrior. She is in Indiana to be close to her own kids and grandkids. I love her!

Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I had a meeting on Tuesday with the two counselors that work with me. I had asked them to share a counseling process they’d referenced before, but I was unfamiliar with it. The meeting was long so the one said she’d come early yesterday and let me experience the process. In so doing, I needed to reopen a meeting/conversation with my dad, my mom and then she had me reopen a conversation with my “little Earnie”. All of this brought me very meaningfully back to my own days of counsel. What I hadn’t expected was my response to meeting with my own self. I found myself tenderly talking to little me. I didn’t realize I’d grown to love myself. I use to hate how God made me, but today, I love the person God made me to be.

As I sat through a counseling session I still observe the other counselor doing, I participated in a conversation about “living life” vs “enduring life”. She had asked the counselee when he knew he would live (this question follows a near fatal accident he’d had about 15 years ago). He stumbled with this question a good deal. I finally asked him if there were a difference for him between living life and enduring life? He immediately said, enduring life is what he’s been doing all of these years. He’d lost his youthful hope that he could live life. I truly resonated in his words. When I had gotten to college I had thought I would be free from the bondage of home only to find that now I had to hide this bondage. I couldn’t live life, I had to hide it/endure life.

The experience of meeting with dad, mom and me yesterday showed me how much I live life today. I have no secrets. Living life allows us to walk each day in the freedom from the bondage that suffocates us. This gift of Freedom God gives us is nothing less than a MIRACLE that has taken me a lifetime to accept. I am one grateful man for finally recognizing just how special this gift is!

The message of yesterday’s post is still important for today. In fact, when I began my scripture reading I was nudged to read the same passages I did yesterday. This is all in Psalms 89. The struggles of life don’t even begin to compare to the overwhelming love of God. My devotional went deeply into our need to surrender to God every single dark corner of ourselves. We all have those cravings, lusts, desires we want to hang onto. They deter us for a moment and we think that is OK–it’s only for a moment. God, on the other hand, wants every moment and He wants to be the cravings of our heart and mind.

In Psalms 89 vs’s 30-32, it says in part, “But, if his children turn from me and forsake my words refusing to walk in my truth…, I will surely punish them for their sins… until they regret it.” It goes on to say in vs 33, “But I will never, no never, lift my faithful love from off their lives. My kindness will prevail and I will never disown them.”

So many people need to know that God will never disown them. The world may, but not God. This is an abundant truth that needs to be delivered often to those hurting.

I have a dear friend who is battling cancer. She and her husband are seeing her doctor this morning to consult on a better route of treatment since the tumor is growing. As I was beginning to read Psalms 89 in The Passion (translation), there is a footnote in verse 1. The verse says: “This forever-song I sing of the gentle love of God!” The footnote for this verse says: “The Hebrew word for ‘sing’ has multiple homonyms. Shuwr can also mean wall. When we feel like we are up against a wall, it is time to sing and see ourselves break through by faith. But shuwr can also mean to behold or to perceive. As we sing to God in abandoned worship, we perceive that his glory is greater than the wall that stands before us….”

There is a second piece to this chapter which is also important. It is found in vs 15. It says, “O Lord, how blessed are the people who know the triumphant shout.” It’s footnote reads, “The Hebrew word for triumphant shout is teruah, a homonym for the word for brokenness. Our triumphant shout can be powerful even in the midst of our brokenness.”

I took a picture of this chapter with footnotes and sent it to this couple. I also want to share it with a couple of the folks I see in counseling sessions. We are going to sing this wall of darkness down and shout the triumphant shout just as the Israelites did (from God’s instruction) with the walls of Jericho.