I was given a devotional by some dear friends for my birthday this year.  Its a 60 day one taking the reader through a process of finding abundance in their relationship with God.  Today’s topic is shame.  I was simply amazed to read this and not shut down inside.  Shame has been my most crippling item left with me from the abuse of my past.  The author of this devotional, Ann Voskamp–a Canadian, talks about their adopted child who came from a foreign country.  As a very young child she’d had heart surgery so she has a very large scar in the center of her chest.  Ann had taught her that this scar is her “brave”.

Scars are our reminders of great surgery God does to bring life.  Shame is an open wound filled with infection (shame) in our emotions which we try to protect by building rigid walls around it.  Boy, do I know this well.  We learn to lash out in all different kinds of ways when one comes close to opening this wound.  Over the years I’ve learned to speak this shame which has allowed the wound to begin healing.  I didn’t know how much the healing had taken place until I read this devotional.  As a child no one told me that “the different” I was from dad and many of my brothers was on purpose.  The shame I felt from all the criticism and abuse taught me a lesson God has now largely replaced.  God’s lesson is what scripture has been trying to teach each of us.  God does not make mistakes.  He creates us with purpose and meaning from the beginning.  He wants man to reinforce that with man but Satan has a much different plan.  He does just what happened to me and so many others working to destroy the good of us and then to try and hide it with walls of rigidity.  Those are pretty much gone now.  How I thank God for this–The freedom to be who God created us to be  is what  God wants for us because then we can do for Him all He asks of us.  God is incredibly AMAZING!

I didn’t post it yesterday, but my brother in the hospital had been put back into ICU Monday evening.  He had begun to vomit and in so doing, asperated.  His lungs were compromised so he was on oxygen and they thought they may have to put him on a respirator.  His intestines were totally asleep so nothing was leaving his stomach which led to the vomiting and many more complications.

Yesterday morning as I was having my devotions before going to the hospital with Kathy, my younger brother and his wife, and taking Glenda, God seemed to tell me to leave Herb with Him both spiritually and physically.  We prayed together as we got to the hospital and then went to be with Herb for a little while.  His trauma doctor came as we were there.  He explained the complications and what they were doing to address them.  Herb looked so ill it was hard to watch all that was taking place.  Early last evening Glenda called to say Herb had POOPED 3 times and the nurse had called to tell her!  The nurse said Herb had kept him very busy the last couple hours.  Who would ever think of praising God that someone had pooped 3 times, but we did right then and there!

This morning as I was about to start my journaling I reread yesterday’s entry.  It was there I saw what God had told me.  I was stunned.  The trauma of watching Herb and feeling so helpless had overridden any memory of what God had said to me.  It was another moment of giving thanks back to Him for His faithfulness in spite of whether I had remembered or not.  How much I love our Father!

One last thing, yesterday afternoon when we had gotten home, I was reading Facebook entries.  Facebook had posted an entry I’d made three years ago announcing my book.  It was encouraging me to share it for its 3 year anniversary.  I immediately thought I sure wouldn’t do that but I was also immediately corrected in spirit saying I needed to do this.  It was for celebration purposes and not any of the old lies I use to hear and believe.  I did it and it was amazing to see how many people responded with comments about how much it has helped them.  There were also a few who didn’t know about it and wanted to know how to get one.  God is faithful to His promises.  He does make all things new!

Psalms 119:130 says:  “The entrance and unfolding of Your words give light, their unfolding gives understanding to the simple.”  Maybe you like me don’t want to be called simple.  Yet, there is so much about God’s Word which I do not claim and do as The Bible teaches us.  That is what makes me simple and each of us.  In reality, if we (I) would just follow God’s lead and not fear, fret, worry about the outcome–that would be simple.  I try to manipulate what I do for God and in response to God attempting to make it more comfortable for me.  I forget at these moments that God is in control and I don’t want to be.  These simple manipulations are disallowing God to have all the control.

Today, as I “entered” the scripture above and God began to “unfold” it, I told Him I no longer want to be controlling the day to day living.  I truly want to be surrendered totally to His Leading in my life and all the steps I’m to take each day in my life.  The understanding that God promises will not come about unless I take the steps He asks me to take while I am responding obediently to the unfolding of His Word to me and through His Holy Spirit’s nudges.

I’m on day 2 of claiming yesterday’s scripture.  I had to read it several times during the day reminding me to surrender fear and claim “the sound mind”.  This sound mind keeps me from becoming “simple” and doing things my way.

Today’s Bible reading is again in Psalms.  I have to confess that this book in the Bible is not one I’ve used or referenced in my life like I’ve done with so many others.  I’ve always read through it thinking it is too filled with complaints and confessions.  Why were the authors of all the chapters always in so much trouble?  They needed to get their lives in order.  Well, today I’m reading these same chapters and seeing myself over and over again.  I realize how much denial I’ve been in to my own complaints and confessions.  I may not say them out loud, but they are thought in my mind and they too often control how I respond to God’s leadership for me.  Joyce Meyer even writes a note telling about her own confession of negativism which she struggled with until she learned to replace it with true confession and then stating a verse to replace it.

Much of my negativism is centered around fear–fear of what I’m asked to do which I don’t think I can, fear of someone finding out how incompetent I actually am when I will fail, fear that this crazy idea of mine is just that–a crazy idea, etc.  II Timothy 1:7 says,”God has not given me a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind.”  Joyce said in her insert that for 6 months she would quote a truth from scripture twice a day to replace a lie she had believed and struggled with just as I am still doing.  I’m going to start today applying this to my daily living.

Remember that fertile garden analogy from a few days ago?  Well, I need to poison those taproot weeds which still exist in my garden so that the soul food God wants growing there can have all the space.  That “sound mind” God says He has given me needs for me to replace the lies with His truth.

My word, after today’s devotional time I feel as though I need to have the sharpness of mind I see in my youthful grandkids.  It was all about converting knowledge into Wisdom.  When man knows much and he stays in charge of all that he knows, he can easily become arrogant.  Others who need the knowledge don’t feel comfortable coming to him for help.  This is so contrary to what scripture says about knowledge and wisdom.  Wisdom is a major descriptor of Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit.  We would all agree they know ALL.  However, our entire lives are lived with them learning how to apply what we are taught in meaningful ways.  This is Wisdom.  Godly Wisdom takes knowledge and helps us grow from it into more Christ-likeness.

This morning’s scripture reading is in the Psalms.  In Psalms 115:11 it says: “He has given food and provision to those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him.  He will remember His covenant forever and imprint it on His mind.”  (Amplified Bible)  This could be easily interpreted as God giving human food and human provisions which He does do.  The deeper application however comes into focus when we apply it to Wisdom.  God does give us tremendous knowledge in His Word for our spiritual food.  This food converts to Wisdom when we adjust our living from what we learn.  This is spiritual knowledge being digested.  We actually “eat” this spiritual food when we “reverently and worshipfully fear Him”.  This reverent and worshipful fear looks like obeying the Word of God and obeying His Spirit’s nudges within us.  We also praise God and thank Him for this.  This doesn’t mean when we feel like it, it means when it happens.

The fertile garden I’ve written about in the last couple days is starting to make much more sense with today’s message.  If I (my life) am going to be a fertile garden for God, I will reverently and worshipfully fear God which is the start of finding Wisdom from God.  Wisdom removes all the arrogance man might glean from knowledge and turns it into a loving application for living life much more complete and joyful.  This is what God is wanting me to know and do with our new recovery ministries and all we are learning from each one’s curriculum.  I do want to do this well!

PS–My brother continues to make good progress!

Well, Herb’s surgery went extremely well yesterday.  Even though he is 81 and soon to be 82, the surgeon said his bones were as healthy as someone in their 20’s so he could screw into them the repairs needed.  He assured everyone he would heal well as long as he followed the recovery principles they’d teach him when he leaves the hospital.  This was all such good news.  Thanks for prayers and for God’s handiwork!

As I was rereading my blog of yesterday and processing my morning’s devotion today I realized I touched upon a huge item that God is not even close to being done addressing.  This has to do with making me “a fertile garden”.  I mentioned yesterday regarding the song which stated the message.  I then went into the “feeding faith and starving fear”.  This morning God was showing me that it is in feeding faith by trusting completely in Him that He creates this fertile garden. Faith is a garden’s fertilizer.  It is through starving fear that I weed the garden.  Eventually when one diligently weeds a garden that the amount of weeds dwindle and the garden takes over them.  I know this very well in real-life gardening.  By now I do little weeding and mostly harvesting in my garden.  However, in the spring I need to weed often to keep them from taking control.

It is in my mind that I am very susceptible to fear/weeds.  Joyce Meyers says we need to say out loud these fears and confess them.  I do this at times when I get overwhelmed with them.  But, my pride doesn’t want to confess I let them dominate me to the point of being overwhelmed.  My new commitment is to tell the fear early on so the weeds cannot choke out the trust I’d want in my mind.  I will not only confess fear but I will also state out loud my trust.  Yesterday, spending the day in the hospital, I heard several times the word fear from others around me.  When I heard it from them I could easily address it as such and help them process the fear to trust.  However, I am not good at doing this for myself.  I need others to help me by my saying the fear out loud to them.  So this is my new assignment.  I’m fertilizing my garden!

Today is Herb’s, my brother’s, surgery.  It is suppose to be at 10 am.  Shortly, Kathy and I will go pick up his wife Glenda and head to the hospital.  I have a strong peace about all of this.  God is in complete control.  I love this about Him.

Last night at Celebrate Recovery we sang a song that really resonated with me.  I can’t recall the name of it or I’d tell you here.  I had heard the chorus of it but the verses were new to me.  In them the words were about believing God can make a garden of our lives for feeding others.  I thought when I read them that somehow I’d love for that to be true of me knowing this is what God wants to do for each of us.  The lesson last night was GIVE.  In the lesson the best gift we can give is sharing our personal story of God’s GRACE helping us to overcome whatever Hurt, Hang-up, Habits we struggle with or which have owned us.  The lesson made me realize I’d spent most of my life giving so I could hopefully be good enough for God to use me.  Instead, God has been wanting to rearrange my thinking and believing.  I needed to know that my giving would never make me worthy.  Christ dying on the Cross of Calvary did that for me.  My giving should be done in thanksgiving for Christ’s Giving for me and for each of us.

Now this morning, in my devotional, I was challenged by the message centered around “feed a cold and starve a fever”.  However, the author rearrange the message to be:  “feed a faith and starve a fear”.  When I asked God how all of this tied together He pointed out that the garden of my life still had a taproot needing to be uprooted.  This root has to do with my fears.  I still have many fears I confess haunting me.  As we get closer to the start of our recovery ministries my fears are driving me nuts inside.  I’ve been feeding those fears too rather than feeding faith.  Today, God showed me my need to let go of feeding the fears so I can start believing fully that He is in control of these ministries just like I know He is in control of my brother’s surgery.  This new ministry is not being built on me so I can let all of that go.  I am a servant of God doing my part and I will let Him do His.  Boy, did I need to hear this and do I ever need to now keep focused on feeding the Faith!

Today is one of those days when prioritizing is a real issue.  Maybe more folks are this way than I think, but I tend to make the priority whatever is connected to what I call work.  The ministry things I do somewhat fall into that category.  But, right now with my brother in the hospital, it seems I ought to be making family top the list.  There several things I had already scheduled for today and tomorrow conflicting with this family crisis.  I know in my heart to rearrange them, but in my head it seems I’m slacking if I do this.  I’m not my dad I keep reminding myself.  I always saw him as lazy when it came to following through with work and I’m driven to never look like him.  Dad was good at giving attention to family when it was hurting.  This characteristic is a strength which I need and want to have.  I just need to remember that not all about dad was weak.  Satan would want me hanging onto this but I easily see this now from journaling about it this morning and now writing it here in the blog.

This morning I’m going to my brother’s house to help my sis in law with some chores.  I had called one of my pastor friends who is going to visit my brother in the hospital.  He is going this morning.  In talking with my brother yesterday morning he even said it was difficult to talk with family about some things.  I knew what he meant.  I asked if he’d be ok having a pastor come to talk with him?  He said that would be fine so it is happening this morning.  God is and has been working on my brother so I’m praying the time will be good for him to see God in a very different light than when he was raised in our home and in the church of that day.

God keeps reminding me to “Be still, the Lord is on your side.”  This hymn runs through my mind and it brings a great deal of peace in so doing.  God is so good when we give Him the chance to be not only our daily Guide, but our Comforter too.

Yes, the journey continues and it is all about living life one day at a time.  The only true thing different about living the journey today and living it before recovery is not living any longer in denial.  Denial is a big area.  In it one doesn’t face the reality of life within him and he also keeps trying to stuff/hide what does creep to the surface.

This morning I am experiencing lots of emotional struggles.  I recognize them as Satan’s ploys and have given them to God to handle.  He has made it abundantly clear to follow His Light in this even when darkness wants to overshadow all of it.

I got a call last night that my oldest living brother fell from the back of his boat yesterday and broke his pelvis.  He is in the hospital in Boise so I’m headed there this morning.  I know he will be in a fit because he hates those places, but….

This week is the wrap-up for the on-line training I’m doing in support of one of our recovery groups.  It is the one for abuse.  It is beautifully done.  I wish men weren’t so stubborn about their own abuse for those who have experienced it.  We could be so much healthier if this weren’t the case.  Yet, as we begin this fall, I do pray the men God is nudging will take the step to seek His healing.  This curriculum is superb and God has a path to His Light when we only know Satan’s darkness in this area we have kept in denial all of our life.  It is time for the Light to penetrate this darkness.

“Let Your Light so shine before men, that they may see Your Good works, and glorify your Father which in in heaven.”  Matthew 5:16.

The days seem to click by so quickly, yet within each of them is 24 hours for man to choose to honor God or turn away.  I write this because I’m finding this just too true.  I had a meeting with a couple of our leaders who wanted to talk to me.  In it I found I have an individual who is denying some of their behaviors.  I will meet with them this week and have the needed conversation.  How much we want to please God, but, at the same time, the choices to please self (flesh) continue to scream–choose me!  As much as we may want to be a leader in God’s Kingdom work, we have to not deny what our actions are.  These are tough but I know how important it is to have one’s own truth brought into the Light of Jesus Christ.  In it there is healing once we face it.  Sometimes we just need to accept help for a longer period to find the needed sobriety before beginning leadership.  I also need to remember this so I don’t push someone into leading before their time of readiness is complete.

Satan never quits his devious, sinful work.  How I hate this.  When I was in administration full-time I would have to face difficult, conflict situations.  Almost all the time they would end with healing.  There would be those times which wouldn’t end as such, however, but they had to be dealt with nonetheless.  Over time, when I’d do the right thing, what I thought would be a wall forever would turn out to be something God used.  Sometimes I’d even hear about this use.  Well, no matter the outcome, I know I need to address the item of yesterday’s meeting and that I will do as God leads.  He will do His Work as He always does.  I just need to do mine.