Yesterday afternoon Kathy and I went to a birthday party for a little 2 year old boy.  He is the son of the young man I went to lunch with last Monday.  I believe I mentioned this  in a blog earlier last week.  This little boy’s dad had a very troubling childhood.  When we went to lunch I gave him one of my books.  He told me yesterday he had finished it.  He also told me there were too many things alike between his grandma (his adopted mom) and my own dad.  When his grandma saw me at the party her words to him were, “What in the h…. is he doing here?”  He told me this because he felt bad she still harbored much resentment towards me.  I told him to let that go.  This was her problem, not his or mine. Back 20+ years ago when they were working to adopt him I had written a letter which describe some of my concerns about her ability to be an adopted mom.  This young man’s life today still carries the weight of these wounds. I was glad to be there and besides, it was no surprise to me she felt this way.  It only confirmed she hasn’t changed.  The party was lots of fun and Kathy and I got to meet a number of people we would never have known otherwise.  This young man is surrounding himself with good friends who are a good influence.  I see him trying to please this “mom” just like I use to try and please dad.  I hate to think it will never change, but he’s in his early 30’s and she is approaching 80 so I think the chances are growing slim.

As I was reading this morning in Proverbs there are many verses which describe yesterday.  The haughtiness and pride of one’s attitude will drive people away from you.  The tenderness and support of one’s attitude will be like a magnet to others who enjoy being with you.  I remember my dad asking me why no one came to visit him in the nursing home?  He died a lonely man.  I’m afraid this lady will do the same unless there is a miraculous turn around.  Only God can do this but we also must make this choice.  God is Amazing.  He wants us to be the same as we strive to live amazingly for Him.

So what about love?  When I spent time yesterday doing what was to be done: working in my brother’s garden and then in my own, mowing the lawn, etc., I found myself not being so troubled with this love item.  The only times I’ve heard anyone say “I’m in love with you” is when they are courting one another.  Last night Kathy and I were going to dinner with friends and I asked her about the two phrases.  She’d read yesterday’s blog so she was familiar with it.  She wasn’t at all troubled by the two phrases.  She simply said the “I love you” is the phrase one uses after they say “I’m in love” with you.  It is as though the one phrase is an awakening phrase and the other is the confirmation of wanting a lifetime commitment.  I’m probably making this much bigger than it is, however, the piece that hits me this morning is about spirit.  It seems our spirit is the driver of love.  I loved my mom due to her gentle, loving spirit.  I resented my dad due to his selfish, conceited spirit.

These past two years+ have been spent journaling to God Himself.  In this time I can honestly say I have moved into a belief and state of being that now trusts God fully and deeply respects and appreciates Him.  I can honestly say, I love Him and over the two year time I have been falling in love with Him due to the continuous discoveries of His steadfastness and the truth of every scripture He has had written in His Word–the Bible.  When I realized in loving God I am also loving His Holy Spirit, it is helping me come to know The Holy Spirit that lives within me.  This is the remarkable part.  This God I love is Spirit and His Holy Spirit has been given to me to live within me.  Awakening to my spirit and to God’s Holy Spirit helps me to be more anchored in what God is doing and what He wants me doing to support it.  Wow, do I love Him!

I’m not a big sports fan.  In fact I give no thought to sports most of the time.  However, when grandkids are involved I have a motivation to go and support them.  Well, last night my grandson’s team beat their opponent 49-6. (First game of the season) I found myself feeling sorry for the opponent.  Those kids are human’s with feelings just like my grandson.  Not to get lost in all of this, but it was fun to see my grandson play.  He is extremely good which makes it even more fun.

Now onto this journey—Have you ever thought about the differences between these two phrases:  “I love you” vs “I’m in love with you”?  In our preparing for the recovery classes with a couple of the leaders yesterday I was given this as the definition of love being used in a perverted way.  I love you means you are supported fully by me.  I’m in love with you means a deep emotional commitment where my spirit wants to join your spirit.  (Keep in mind these are all Earnie terms).  I was not raised in a family where the word love was stated.  I never had my mom tell me this except in response to me telling her this as an adult.  I never wanted to hear it from my dad and I don’t recall ever hearing it either.  I don’t find myself ever thinking I should say it.  Mostly, it never comes to mind.  However, yesterday when these comparative statements were made differentiating love I was hit with a sense I had to know what makes them different.

This morning I spent ample time with God regarding love and in love.  Love surrounds us from God.  The Holy Spirit enters in us with God’s love.  When I am in love I desire to enter into the spirit of the person or if someone is in love with me they want to enter into my spirit. (Writing this sends chills down my spine.  It is a huge awakening for me).  I can hardly fathom any of this happening.  What I pictured this morning with all this processing was my dad’s harsh, belittling times and words.  I learned to protect my spirit at all cost from his words and disgust.  Finally, as of yesterday’s conversation, I’m starting to see something I’ve never seen before.  It is, “it is ok to let someone inside my spirit”.  I don’t need to protect it.  They are not entering into the heart of me to destroy me.  I would never want to do this to anyone.  Somehow, unconsciously, I’ve been protecting myself all these years–I thought.

When I wrote yesterday about the book on abuse I’m reading, I said how much it sickened me.  Well, the words of the abuser that I now see in my dad entered into my spirit and tried to destroy it.  I learned to try and protect “me” from it and in so doing learned to not allow anyone in.  God is abundantly showing me I can now let this go.  This is raw for me but I know it is genuine and true so I am trusting fully.  God is wanting me to let His Holy Spirit fully enter into me and to let those He brings into my life for whom I say “I love”, I can say, “I’m in love with you” and be safe and ok with it.

I’m not sure this is even understandable to any reader.  However, as the days continue, I will make it clearer as it becomes clearer to me.  Also, if for some reason, it does make sense to you because you know this as true for you, I pray for your healing time.  God’s precious Holy Spirit wants to heal us from all the past wounds we are carrying.

Have you ever realized that the biggest problem we face might be ourselves?  I’m seeing that this morning.  Yesterday was a calm day for me as far as activity goes.  I had things to do in the morning leaving the afternoon open.  I used it to read a book that feeds information for one of our recovery classes.  In fact, it is the book first written ahead of the curriculum for those dealing with abuse.  The curriculum is so thoughtfully done as it is written for the abused.  The book I’m reading is written to understand abuse from the standpoints of what it is, characteristics of the abuser and steps for overcoming abuse.  The author states he has tried to write it so it is not too clinical, but I will say that in spite of his attempts–it is very clinical.  More even than this, I find the book depresses me.  I know I must realize what happens to us in abuse and what the characteristics of the abuser are, but I find myself realizing this was true about my dad and my brother and it sickens me.  In my career of education I’ve also known scores of people who abused their kids and I keep seeing their faces as I read.  I know this is real and I must understand it and face it.  I will too.

So, I’m writing this because yesterday I found myself automatically shifting from why I’m reading this to what else I could be doing with my “retirement time”.  Yesterday late afternoon and evening I had fleeting thoughts that I might try….  This morning as I was bringing all of this to God He reminded me of His Wisdom and His Timing.  I just finished a week ago the on-line training provided for the abuse group which the book author, his wife and staff had created.  Now I needed to read this book.  Every abused person has an abuser.  I need to be well-rounded in my awareness of detail if I’m going to promote this and lead it.  The timing for reading this book is now.  God doesn’t want me shifting away from the topic but to be fully equipped in it.  Who ever said these topics would be easy anyway?  Well, today I’m ready to move forward.  No more skipping to new topics to see if maybe I should be doing something else.  God has made it abundantly clear He wants me to stay put.  I actually want to stay right here too.  It is where I find Him working and I find He wants me joining Him.

Proverbs is a continuous book on Godly Wisdom with capability of helping us stay out of a lot of problems.  What I am seeing as I read through it this time is a difference between manly wisdom and Godly Wisdom.  The main ingredient missing between the two is God or God’s Holy Spirit leading the one speaking the wisdom or acting on it.  The feelings of man do enter into wisdom and I believe this is the area of vulnerability man has when using wisdom.  Satan so easily and craftily adjusts wisdom with our feelings making it ugly and selfish rather than Godly.  It is so easy to take a wise choice and turn it into a selfish item.  It is also easy to take what man knows about something and think he is being wise when he doesn’t have the big picture as God always does.

I have learned over the years of my life that I have tunnel vision when I am focused on what I believe God wants me to do.  This becomes my big picture.  God is teaching me today that my big picture can be quite small compared to His own.  Before I act I always need to take a step back (emotionally) and look more objectively at the work I’m doing.  This is also when I need to bring someone else into the picture to see if they see what I do and if I’m leaving out a major piece/s due to my tunnel vision.

Proverbs is a book we can read often and always glean Guiding Light.  I need to do this far more often than once a year or so.

Today I was up at 4:30 to take my sis-in-law to the airport.  It was a funny start for the day.  I went to the coffee pot to pour my travel mug to find the pot hadn’t perked.  The time on it said 11 something and it was 4:30 am.  I realized that last night instead of changing the perk time I had simply changed the time on the pot.  I told my sis she would just have to wait until the coffee was done.  I wasn’t driving to Boise without a mug of coffee in my hand!  We made it just fine too.

Today’s devotional was all about righteous living.  I loved how it fit perfectly with God’s present focus on Wisdom.  It said that it is not enough for us to stop sinning.  Yes, we need to address our sinfulness by confessing it but we also need to change our actions so instead of sinning, we begin to act righteously.  In so doing we are responding to The Holy Spirit’s nudges within us.  Acting on these nudges is Wisdom.  It is acting on what we know to do and by acting on the knowledge we become wise.  A major piece of learning for me is the fact that none of this can be sustained on our own strength.  I lived my entire life attempting to do this.  I was trying all along to earn God’s righteousness.  I would even have long periods of time when I’d be successful–in my own thinking.  However, something would happen and I’d crash.  Finally, now that I’m learning to literally act on God’s nudges and to not act on my own impulses, I find myself sensing a freedom I would only have at random times.  I feel quite young in this, but it is something I will pursue the rest of my life.

Yesterday’s time with the young man I mentioned in the blog was powerful.  I took him a copy of my book.  I wanted him to know that his elementary principal had to overcome his past too.  We talked continuously for a little over an hour and than he needed to get back to work.  He called me last night to say he had started reading the book.  He said he realized we had many things in common.  He even said that if we were to talk for 24 hours straight we would only scratch the surface of what we needed to address.  His two year old son’s birthday is Saturday and I told him I’d come to the party.  He wants me to meet his family and I want to do that.  God is working.

My brother got out of the hospital and into rehab late yesterday afternoon.  I’ll be seeing him at noon today.  This is a major step.  God is good all the time!

Today is the start of school for 7 of my grandkids who live locally.  My two in Oklahoma have already begun school last week.  My word, I have 9 grandkids in school now, one who is out of school and two waiting still to start.  As I was praying for them today I was impressed with the burden to pray that they will see and know God in their school settings.  I guess you know that I myself love school.  It was the best part of my childhood.  I’ve certainly learned that this is not the case for so many kids today as well as when I was in school myself.  However, God is always present if we will only take a moment to focus our minds and heart on Him.  No man can push Him out regardless of rules and regulations.  He is right there waiting for us to acknowledge Him and we can do this at any moment and at any time.

Today I have lunch with a young man who was a student of mine many years ago.  He had one of the most troubling childhoods a kid could have.  Today he is a successful contributor to society but inside he has a troubled heart and mind.  He has asked me some questions we will talk about over lunch.  I look forward to the way God will use this time for Him to be glorified.  God and this young man are a great team.  Sometimes we just need help finding God in our pasts.  I sure did and it was provided.  I pray our time today will be one of those times for him.

Today, also, my brother is getting out of the hospital and going to a rehab center.  Praise the Lord!  He is on the road to recovery.  God is so good!  Lastly, today a dear friend’s son is going before a judge due to some poor choices he’s made.  I wrote a letter of support for him.  This is one of those times when my human side is screaming to “give him another chance” but my heart is saying, “God, you know what will turn him to accept the consequences of his choices.  Your will be done.”  I need to be God’s servant all the time, not just when it feels ok to be.

As I was reading the beginning chapters of Proverbs this morning I was reminded that Wisdom is knowledge put to use in life as God would direct.  Man does all kinds of things with knowledge that looks nothing like Wisdom.  I pray today that God’s Wisdom will be used in all settings.  To God be ALL GLORY!

Today is another day to give thanksgiving and praise to God my Father.  This morning another lady and I will sing a duet with our church choir in the background.  The song is Be Strong and Take Courage.  It comes straight from Joshua 1:9.  Up until the last 15 years or so special music each Sunday morning was expected.  I would often be part of it in our church.  As the trend of worship shifted in churches today I’ve missed somewhat this practice, but mostly I’ve been grateful I didn’t need to try and be good enough to deliver God’s message through song.  I could enjoy church without the need to be good enough.  I write this today because God has done a miracle inside of me.  I know that within myself I am not good enough to ever deliver a message for God, but now that I am convinced this God I serve is within me, I am honored and privileged to deliver this song in Praise and Thanksgiving.

When Joshua took the children of Israel across the Jordan River to conquer Jericho, the river was at flood stage.  However, when the army choir stepped into the river while singing, the water parted.  Today, as worship begins, the water will part and those who doubt, those who hurt, those who praise, those who simply don’t know will all know the Presence of the One True God.  My privilege is to get to be part of the army choir singing God’s praise and experiencing the water parting.  How great our God is!

When my sis in law and I got to the hospital yesterday my brother was like a new man.  He chatted continuously for 1.5 hours.  Much of it was centered around how God has been talking to him.  So much of his own trauma with our childhood has been placed in order by God and Herb is able to honor God in spite of it and now use it as God has been teaching me to do.  The rest of my day was one of thanksgiving knowing how faithful our God is.  How much I love Him.  Join me today in Honoring this God we are privileged to serve.

I had some pretty amazing lessons yesterday which I want to learn so I don’t need to repeat them.  It all started with my devotional time when God was telling me to “be still”.  There is an action that must take place if I’m going to be still and that action is trust.  If I’m going to be still I have to trust God to order my day.  Much of what gives me anxiety is me ordering the day so it completes well all that needs to be done.  If I practice “being still” I trust God to order the day and in so doing I believe I will complete well what He wants me to do within each task.

Yesterday all of the above seemed to happen.  However, it happened and I didn’t even remember the lesson of the day–to “be still”.  The day got everything done I knew I’d need to do and it also got some pleasure things done which I’d hoped could get done.  I even had two of my favorite people call so we could talk.  My sis Bonnie was one of the calls.  She had said she enjoyed reading yesterday’s blog.  I sadly had to admit that by late yesterday afternoon I couldn’t even remember what I’d written.  I had to call it up on my phone to reread it.  So, God did order the day in His way rearranging what I would have done and in so doing I got to do the errands I wanted to complete–buying fall plants to put into a couple pots I’ve been wanting to replant but never having time to get the new plants for them.

In the day yesterday I had a meeting with a couple of the recovery leaders for groups this fall.  It was a great meeting and we accomplished all and more of what I had wanted us to complete.  So, this morning as I reflect on yesterday I could easily see how God had ordered the day completing the assignments He wanted done.  He even ordered it so I could start what brings much pleasure for me.  If I’d ordered the day myself I would have only completed tasks I thought needed and that would have delayed again the little ones about plants and phone calls.  Along with all of this, I forgot the lesson.  It just happened anyway.

Lastly, this morning God has been pointing out one item I need to put into permanent memory.  The assignments for consulting I do and the assignments for recovery I do have one item in common–IDENTITY.  The schools for which I consult have been labeled failure schools by the system.  They are in the bottom 5% of Idaho’s schools as indicated by their student learning success.  The recovery groups we will be starting are going to be working with individuals that feel they too are failures and this has become their identity.  When God pointed this out I could identity immediately.  I have quietly believed this lie forever it seems.  God wants each of us and all of us to know that we may fail, but this does NOT make us a failure.  This is Satan’s lie he plants in us.  God is uprooting this lie and He is finally getting to the taproot of it for me.  It is time I become a fully committed servant of God helping others know this miracle of belief will happen for them too.

God is such an Amazing God.  I’ve been up a couple of hours because He had some important things He was wanting me to know from Him today.  As I begin to write this I’m starting to see that God is growing me from continuing to overcome my past to better using my past.  Every since I wrote the book, The Journey From Error to Heir, which started my blog–The Journey Continues, I’ve had continued interest shown in purchasing the book.  Not a lot of interest at any one time, but intense interest from ones who have a struggle or know someone who does and they want to help them.  I’ve never been too interested in having a huge sale of books, but to have a huge impact on anyone who would read it needing to know God’s position in their life.  Knowing we are important to God and that He created us with purpose is not something I have known until most recently.  My heart aches for those who struggle with the lie that they are a mistake as I had always thought of myself.

This morning I’ve had several things stressing me.  I had a call yesterday about the schools I’m being asked to work with this coming school year.  I already know them and their history and I was not eager to be asked to work with them.  When I asked God this morning if these were His choices for me I sensed Him asking me what I’d expected to feel when I was asked to help a site?  Did I want to feel good because I knew it would be easy?  The schools struggling didn’t get to this place of struggle that can be changed by easy answers.  So why am I questioning this assignment God seemed to be asking?  I think God made my answer pretty simple–“of course I will help them”.

The other things I’m struggling with are due to these approaching recovery classes, the leaders being ready for them, and then my brother who just isn’t pulling out of the woods in his healing process following his surgery a week ago today.  God’s response to me this morning was to “be still”.  I already know this message but I need to have it repeated to me often.  To “be still” I need to quiet my mind and not let it race ahead with anxiety.  When I “be still” I can easily organize the day fitting in what must be done and allowing time for the enjoyment of the day like the garden and flower beds as well as being with friends and family.

I don’t know how many of us need to learn to “be still”, but I know this is why God had me up early today.  The assignments God has given me to do in my journey with Him are not to cause me anxiety, but to simply complete as they come.  I can use my past to help with this when I stay in the “be still” mindset.  Satan wants me in a panic mindset so I am filled with self-doubt and anxiety.  I no longer want to gratify the lies I’ve believed.  I want to learn to put into daily practice the truths God is teaching in His Word.  Psalms 131:2 says:  “But I have stilled and quieted my soul….”  This I want to practice today and each day as I learn from my journey with God.