The book of Ezekiel is striking. God is giving him graphic pictures of the consequences for Israel’s rebellion against Him. Ezekiel is obedient and giving this to the captives since they have been removed from their homeland and brought to this foreign land. Even though the people are being held responsible for their sins of past and present God told them He’d given them an opportunity to let their hearts turn from hearts of stone to hearts of flesh. Ezekiel 11:19.

Several years ago (about10) I was in therapy–EMDR for PTSD. God during this time had me reading Ezekiel and I read this verse and this promise. I couldn’t fathom a heart of flesh at that time. I literally saw my heart as a polished, stainless bucket which could be filled with God’s love or my selfishness. The fact that my heart pumped the lifeblood throughout my body meant nothing. In the last few years I’ve found this heart of flesh through the continued healing God gives. When we allow ourselves to be tools in God’s Hands He can take our life experiences and let them be Light for another, giving them life where they felt dead.

Last night at our quartet practice a lady filling in for our piano player said she’d just read my book. She thought she was reading her own husband’s story. She is sending the book to him since they are separated presently. We prayed he’d read this and see his own bondage. Instead of hiding behind the shame of his past, he’d reach out for the help God is wanting to offer. I know this hiding all too well and I also know the healing God gives once we begin to surrender each day’s bondage to Him. A heart of flesh God has been helping me to see. This heart pumps life (God’s Light) into darkness where life feels dead and even prays for death. How I love the way our God works!

This journey never stops until the day of our human death. The reality of that truly hit home yesterday. When we started the Mending the Soul class a couple months ago I told the men that our commitment needed to be to stay awake to our past each and every day. In so doing God could work with us each day on our overcoming and not just in class once a week for1.5 hours. I thought I’d learned that habit well over the past few years. However, last Sunday’s awakening to sexual abuse opened my own eyes to the reality that I hadn’t put this to practice here. My own practice is to talk about it when necessary and act like it never happened as soon as I walk away from any conversation. Yesterday’s conversation with Jesus allowed me to see myself as a created human who had been sexually abused in his childhood. Yet, in my older adulthood I was free to not only talk about it but stay awake to it without it destroying my inner beliefs of human worth. God is bringing more healing as I apply new discipline to my day to day living. Staying awake to my past doesn’t mean I have to fight the past anymore. God really does want to fight this battle–in fact, the battle has been fought and Christ won!

I’ve said a few times that I need to write a follow up to my autobiography which would be Living in Freedom. My first book’s third part was Finding Freedom. Almost six years after publishing my book I’m finding that living in freedom still has finding more freedom as the journey continues. God is never done bringing us more glory as we live for Him and commit to Him. PRAISE GOD!

Day 2 of pondering with God about the topic of sexual abuse is bringing awareness I’ve hidden behind my entire life. I could have never before this present time been able to stay focused on this topic for a week. I’ve needed to hide it and move on. What I was able to record this morning with Jesus is that all I want to do is self-gratify when I am awake to the feelings of this abuse. I’ve hated this all of my life so I’ve always stuffed it knowing I don’t want to step into this sinful nature. With the commitment now to stay focused through the week I asked Jesus to show me what He wanted me to know. He kindly pointed out that I see darkness as I see this abuse and this is SO TRUE. He asked me to turn on the Light He provides. This Light reveals TRUTH rather than lies. The biggest truth is that this is His battle, not mine. He wants to fight it for me. He wants me to put on His Shield of Faith for my protection. Lastly, He pointed out that I am not “little Earnie” anymore. I am the new creation who is grandpa Earnie today and I don’t need to hide anything from my past. If any reader were present at this moment they would see that my eyes are filled with tears of rejoicing as I write this. PRAISE JESUS!

The class, Mending the Soul, has taken on a life like I’ve not seen before in teaching this class. Each and every man is contributing from their own background almost without any prodding. The Holy Spirit seems to be nudging and each one is responding. After leading this two previous times and getting little openness I knew if I were to do another class something had to change. What has changed the most for me is taking the time to reinforce the practice of complete openness from each member, allowing The Holy Spirit to nudge and respond to the nudge with obedience to share instead of to hide and then to keep talking. Lastly, as we walk away from class, we allow The Holy Spirit to speak to us during the week instead of going back into denial as soon as we leave the classroom. I love seeing The Holy Spirit working!

Yesterday’s lesson was expounding on the 6 areas of abuse. The last one was sexual abuse. We approached it in the last 15 minutes. As we did the room became quiet. It was as though there were no need to talk about it–each one knew the definition and the consequences of it. I found myself telling the group that this topic still sucks the wind out of my lungs. The damage of it goes so deeply into my/our souls. This is the topic I asked everyone to ponder with God during the week. We will start next week’s class with insights God has provided. My first insight this morning is that this abuse more than any other has been the one which falsely determined my sense of value to God and to man. When one is abused, one begins to believe he doesn’t have value. Why would someone abuse something valuable?

My brother just younger than me is quite different from me in many ways. He’s good with his hands, his memory is strong for details and he sees details when it comes to the things his hands do. In all of these I am not. He is also hardwired very differently than me. He’s quick to get angry and then move on; he releases from his mind and emotions what can’t be changed, etc. In these cases I am relentless to stay the course and not give up on changing what is wrong–find a different approach. Don’t get angry, get determined. Well, these characteristics, his or mine, were just characteristics, not right or wrong.

Last night my brother asked Kathy and me to come for dinner. Kathy was already there working with his wife on some church mission’s project. I had wanted to process some details with him that were troubling me–problems my grandkids are up against and one of them is much like myself. The other one is much like my brother. I found myself amazed to hear how he was able to let things go when I could not. He recalled instances of our childhood as examples. I found myself realizing how hardwired each of us is. My grandchildren are the same. I’ve always wanted to change myself to be more like my brother only to find last night that I needed to appreciate who I am and not see it as a weakness but simply a characteristic God gave me. Satan wants to keep us seeing ourselves as a mistake instead of a creation by God. This is what I want to help my grandkids see.

I’ve wanted to talk to these grandchildren but didn’t have the message I thought was needed. Today I find myself more grounded. When the time comes, we can talk.

“There shall be NO other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:2. This command was given to the Israelites as part of their Ten Commandments. That was hundreds of years before God had finally had enough and sent them all to their foreign conqueror. As I began Lamentations today I read it with such mourning. Hundreds and thousands of times God had prophets give them exact warnings which they chose to ignore over and over. Finally, God took his final action.

There is so much relevance to God’s warning for us today. More than two thousand years later God’s command is the same–No Other gods before me. Every selfish, sinful action I take is putting myself ahead of God–at least for that moment. The older I get the more recognizable all of this is. If I look even for a moment at our country I see just how much our nation has turned to so many gods rather than to our One True God. As I begin to read Lamentations, I am convicted to stand true to my One and only God. For the rest of my life I want to be a testament to my kids and grandkids first and foremost that GOD is not only the One True God, He is worthy of being God too. Putting our selfish priorities ahead of Him only leads to eventual sadness. Please join me in committing to living for OUR ONE TRUE GOD!

One by one the kids are leaving along with the older grandkids. I’m not even sure how many spent the night as I was the first to go to bed with the exception of the 5 year old who unwillingly submitted to mom’s insistence. It sure takes no insistence on my part to go to bed! The Oklahoma family leaves at noon today so last night was everyone’s last fling.

There are so many decisions needing to be made by different ones around me. My oldest is building a house presently and there are scores of decisions they are needing to make. Sometimes we hear these with requests for your thoughts and other times we hear these as simply decisions needing to be made. All of the decisions when made leave a path of contentment or discontentment. It is important to think it through well. The decisions we make regarding how we treat one another is another huge area often not given much thought–only action.

This morning as I was journaling about this I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know for today, as I do each day. The response was immediate–“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7. So often we gather the advise of those around us and then ponder and ponder more about what is best. We stew and stew when Jesus has given us this simple advise to ASK, SEEK and KNOCK. I’m certainly not ruling out the gathering of sage advice from wise counsel. The message this morning was hitting home that the first ASK should be of Jesus and far too often I get down the road before I remember to take all of these concerns to Him. Lesson for today!

Yesterday I mentioned a man I sponsor who had slipped. His response to the devotional was, “I love you.” When we get lost in temptation and giving in to it, the isolation Satan wants us to live in returns. One of the tools we learn in Celebrate Recovery is to reach out at this point. This is what James 5:16 is telling us when it says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed….” When one does this he expects condemnation for he feels this condemnation strongly within. However, God’s Grace is much stronger than this condemning force if we will only take the step of obedience and reach out.

Another one of our men sent me his testimony earlier this week. He finished the Step Study we completed last winter and has his rough draft written. I’m in the process of reading it for guidance before he shares it with our group. I’ve gotten to know him quite well and his story breaks my heart as so many do. Yet, God does what He always will do if we give Him the chance–He takes our mess and makes it His Message. Sin looks so good from the outside we think, but when one gets into it, the consequences try to kill the goodness God wants us to possess. Once again, reaching out is the first right step. This young man has done this now for almost two years and he is ready to tell his story for the sake of giving others hope in their own journey. How good our God is!

Last night I got a text from one of the guys I sponsor. He likes to call me dad because his father died several years ago. He had slipped and didn’t want to talk about it yet. He said it was too painful. Shame is overwhelming him at the moment. This morning’s devotional was taken from Galatians 5:17–“The sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.” I took a picture of the devotional in its entirety and sent it to him.

Satan has a way of using our emotional nature to beat us up when God wants us to keep our eyes focused on Him. It has taken me a lifetime to learn this and I still have my own moments where I need to be reminded of this truth. How GOOD our GOD IS!

The journey took a pause for a few days as we left last Friday for Oregon. Not only did I not have internet access, I hadn’t packed my devotional materials: Bible, devotional and journal. I don’t know how I simply forgot all of this. We did have 18 of us going so there was much to pack and several rigs to pack. However, forgetting all of this was a shock once I got there and realized they were not with me. So, in actuality the journey went forward, it is the habits of home which took a pause for three days. I didn’t feel as though God and I lost touch with each other, I simply didn’t get my intimate time with Him in His Word and journaling to Him.

The unexpected outcome of these past few days was seeing my grandkids in close proximity for this time. We were together 24/7 so one couldn’t help but see each of them and their personal characteristics. We may all be one family unit, but the differences within each member are huge. I loved the time as I believe each of us did, but it also showed me how to better personalize to each one. I write this and then wonder how God does this for a world of billions? He makes Himself real to each of us as we open ourselves to Him. Oh, how the world needs our Savior–Jesus Christ.

I am very glad to be back to my routine. I reflect better here and I can listen so much better to the Voice of God’s Spirit. As much enjoyment as there is in being together, time alone is critical for the nourishment of our soul. God is truly the anchor for each man. Staying in daily touch with Him is vital to our health–spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.