Even though I’ve been a christian most of my life, the patterns of behavior I have don’t always reflect a christian walk of obedience. I’ve wanted to be in charge of what I do and don’t do. I’ve wanted to do what God wanted me to do when “I” wanted to do it. Living in honest, genuine, complete obedience to God is a stretch in living He is challenging me to see. What is becoming clearer is that it is not a decision one makes today and it is then good for the remainder of my time. It is a decision I make daily and with each nudge God gives me. I’m so use to pushing away a nudge I don’t like or one I question. God is awakening me to these and helping me see my selfishness in so doing.

As I journaled this morning I was being reminded by God that He is abundant love, mercy and grace. If I want to know this abundance I need to live in obedience to Him. As I Trust and Obey (as in yesterday’s blog), I step into a spiritual reality of living I haven’t yet known in the fullness God wants for me, for each of us.

This journey I’m on is becoming clearly one focused on obedience. Somehow I’m being awakened to the reality that obedience is much easier when we know the reasons why we are doing so. When man gives us something to do it is not a problem to do it when we know why we are doing it and we align with the why. The “whys” of obedience to God’s leadership in our lives is not always known. The spiritual reasons for our obedience require our trust in God. With man we want why. With God He wants trust. As I put these side by side I can easily begin to see why superficially I question God’s nudges. I don’t see a reason for the nudge. Sometimes what I envision looks like confrontation or at least confusion. Yet, each time I follow God’s nudge I see otherwise. God doesn’t share His whys with us all of the time. He asks us to trust Him and then to obey Him.

There is an old hymn titled: “Trust & Obey”. The first stanza goes: “When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way. While we do His good will, He abides with us still and with all who will trust and obey”. Then the chorus: “Trust and obey for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey”. I particularly like the 4th stanza. It goes, “But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the alter we lay. For the favor He shows and the joy He bestows are for them who will trust and obey”.

There are things to put on the alter which God has pointed out to me. They are things like confusing memories of abuse which I hide. God is telling me to give them to Him. He doesn’t want me hiding anything. Instead He wants to cleanse everything. I hadn’t even realized this practice until of late. I had one of these dreams haunting me this morning bringing back ugly memories. I gave it to God out of obedience and write it here. Now I trust Him with the rest. God is so GOOD!

Somehow today, this morning, as I have been involved in my devotions I sense God showing me a glimpse of “spiritually concrete”. I know this doesn’t make sense writing it this way but I’ll try to add some clarity. When I got up this morning and started my devotions I wrote in my journal that I was feeling rummy. I’m not sure why, but nonetheless, I did. Yesterday had a number of things happen in it which were unexpected. The church service of my grandkids was excellent. A gentleman spoke of his life-changing experience with God and now how God is using him and his wife for His Glory. The gentleman coming for lunch didn’t show and later in the afternoon I heard from him. He’d forgotten and was with one of his sons. Last night’s performance with our quartet was touching in a number of ways, some of which were totally unexpected.

God, this morning, seemed to be telling me that what I expect to have happen from being obedient to Him will not look like fleshly evidence or “fleshly concrete”. God wants our obedience and then I need to leave the results of obedience of Him. My expectations from the results of obedience are only about me–not Him. God is spiritual and the results of His Work is always spiritual. I expect earthly evidence which may or may not be seen. I’m only now beginning to realize that spiritual evidence isn’t always noticed in the flesh. I simply need to trust that my obedience completes what God is wanting. My being rummy–well, that’s just because I’m still made up of flesh!

This earthly journey we each have is going to someday end and it will result in the eternity of spirituality. I think God is wanting me to be more aware of the spiritual side of me right now. It is real and I do want to awaken more and more to its relevance in each day.

Yesterday my wife was leaving to spend a few days with her sis before the full impact of Christmas hit here at home. A week from tomorrow our kids from Oklahoma arrive and our home will be quite lively for a week with all of the kids and grandkids coming and going. It is a joyous time!

Knowing I would be alone for the weekend I asked God if there were something He wanted me to do with the time? I seemed to sense a nudge to ask a gentleman who has begun to attend CR a couple months ago to come for dinner. He couldn’t last night so he is coming today after church for lunch. This gave me last night to be with a couple of my grandkids so we could go to dinner and to a movie. This morning i get to watch my grandkids in their Christmas program at their church. Then tonight our quartet sings for an assisted living place for one of their Christmas programs. I write this not to show the “busyness” but to show how God puts things together so they just flow easily into the design He wanted. This gentleman coming today had written to me for several months about coming to our Celebrate Recovery once he was no longer incarcerated. I’ve had no less than 10 men do this over the years, but this guy is the only one who has followed through once he was out. I admire this and I’m sure God does too.

Our God is such a loving, caring God. He is the only One True God. So many things we can give our time to, even ones which seem important. However, it is God who truly knows the important ones and these are the ones I want to invest the time He gives me.

To be an excellent servant of God–this is Daniel, the biblical man who wrote the book of Daniel in the Old Testament. It didn’t matter which king was in power, it didn’t matter what problem was given to him, it didn’t matter what the rule of the land was. If the issue he was facing was contrary to his serving God, he found a way to keep God on the throne of his life. In so doing he was honored above all other men by the kings of Babylon/Persia. The scripture says he had an excellent spirit for serving his God–our God.

I am really challenged today to serve God with excellence. I know how often I want things in my life to be the way I want them rather than even asking God how He would want them. There is a saying about asking forgiveness rather than asking permission. Well, this is what I sometimes do with God. I do something and then realize it wasn’t honoring of God. It is then that I have to ask His forgiveness. I was just honoring my wishes. I don’t know how many years God will give me yet to live, but in all of them I want to serve Him with excellence bringing all that I do to Him ahead of the doing. I want this latter part of my life to be years of permission where I honor God in all I do.

Yesterday was a delightful day in many regards. The work with the school was a joy. Last night’s Celebrate Recovery was also a real treat. The testimony was touching in many ways. Hearing the men in our share group talk of the way God spoke to them during the testimony’s delivery always reminds me how much The Holy Spirit is working. In the testimony the speaker spoke of supernatural moments in their life. I wrote that down because instantly I was reminded of those times for which God had done this for me.

Often there are things which happen in a day for which I thank God. Tackling tough conversations which end with a healthy plan outlined. In my consulting work I have these moments. In ministry there are times when we get to see someone’s spiritual light click on as they take a step of faith and are able to find freedom from bondage. These I call supernatural moments. Then, there are the supernatural ones where I know there is a Heavenly Being present. God has sent an angel or Jesus Himself came. Supernatural moments always awaken me to the supremacy of God. If man were attempting to do whatever is being addressed, the outcome would sound much more like what I hear when I listen to our country’s impeachment controversy. What is natural for God is always supernatural for man. Man cannot do what God does for He awakens our mind to our spirit which The Holy Spirit talks to when we are listening. Man doesn’t want to respect the spirit of man for this is what is directly connected to God’s Holy Spirit. I’m learning as a new creation to hear The Holy Spirit and respond only as I do.

I want to get better and better at this. How I love our Father!

I got a call yesterday from a counselor who is working with someone I care for dearly. She wanted me to check in with the individual to make sure they were on track. I tried to do this last night but it was just a few minutes ago that they called me. Yes, he is on track and doing what needs to be done. I have prayed so much for this person over the past couple years. At times I simply prayed that God would do whatever it took to bring him and his thinking around. He couldn’t see “success” for himself. Now, that has begun to change. God has a team of support around him which is bolstering his spirit and belief. I love seeing this take place. God is so loving and amazing.

There is something about serving God over time which unexpectedly changes yourself. It is hard to find words to describe what I mean. But, it’s like the things you may be good at no longer have an ego attached to them. I may feel confident addressing something, but the need to prove anything in so doing is gone. All you really want is for God to be glorified for I learned that any effective work which is sustaining is a gift from God, not a product of our self-crafted skill. It is a privilege and honor to serve this God of ours. How much I love Him!

Our Mending the Soul class began again last night. Due to absences from the group participants and last week’s rehearsals for me we had cancelled mtgs for two weeks. It was good to be back. The class focus was all about characteristics of an abuser. This was difficult as we started. I have never wanted to look at my dad or my brother as abusers. Yes, I can talk about the abuse they did, but to actually call them abusers? Even as I write this I am able to see that their spiritual description is like the way we introduce ourselves in Celebrate Recovery. For dad it would be, “Hi, my name is Harold. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus who chose to abuse.” His identity was not abusing, that is what he did at times. It is helpful to separate this out now that I’m this far long in my journey of recovery.

The other thing which God pointed out for me this morning in my devotional time is my need to start replacing the memories of my past abuse. I can give them all to Him so He can do what He says He does with sin–“…casts it into the depths of the sea.” (Micah 7:19) God has been replacing these memories with the way He uses our past to testify to others of His healing powers. These can be our memories, our new memories which show for us God’s love and grace. The memories of past abuse which Satan uses to tempt us to step into sin can and will be cast into the depths of the sea when we have stayed on this path of healing long enough for God to start the replacement of memories with new ones.

Yesterday I had a meeting with the one who organizes the work I do with schools/districts. During the meeting she asked about the recovery work I do. This led into some of this recent healing God has been providing me. Her words were, “Wow Earnie, this is the most touching story I’ve ever heard in my entire life.” It was this and other recent times which God is using to show me this current truth of His Work. He not only removes the sin, He replaces it with value, grace and love. Wow, what a gracious Father we have and we get to serve!

Yes, the journey does continue and I feel like a new person on the journey. It took getting back into the routine of life yesterday and another night’s sleep to reconnect the body, mind, emotions, spirit. There is one thing about writing this blog daily, it keeps me honest and connected to myself. This past weekend is not a new experience for me. I get involved to that degree somewhat often, yet I tend to ignore the feelings which occur when the body is tired and the emotions are wrung out. Admitting this is true for me doesn’t make me any different than any other man. I have never wanted to admit such emotional levels in myself. I always feared it would make me like my earthly dad who I now see I had judged harshly for his emotional displays. In his emotions he would either be overly nice or overly mean and the mean showed up far more often than the nice. It was the overly mean which left its permanent memory in my body. I never wanted to be like him in any way so I couldn’t let myself be emotional (I thought). Well, now I see I definitely have an emotional part. I also see that being so doesn’t make me “like someone”. It only makes me human like each of us are. It sure has taken a long time for me to get to this place. I’m actually glad to be here!

As I got home yesterday from the last of the three programs, I found myself emotionally spent. I ate a bite, did a couple of chores and sat down to read the paper. In so doing I found myself battling some of the most ridiculous temptations. I was able to take about a 15 minute nap, but then it all started again. We had a Christmas party with the leadership of Celebrate Recovery to attend so I got things ready for it but couldn’t dispel these feelings. Even this morning as I prepare to head to a school district, I don’t feel all together. I realize that last week takes its toll on a person, but, this I didn’t expect. Satan wants us believing that being a new creation is only a myth. He is not going to quit trying to bring one back into the old destructive, beliefs. Yesterday was a reality of this.

In the midst of the afternoon I had a text message from one of the people in our CR leadership. They were asking me what do I do when I know God’s truth but my heart and my head are disconnected from it? I found myself thinking this is exactly where I am presently. It actually helped awaken me to let go of trying and give it to God. Remembering to use the temptation to pray for someone with a similar temptation. I wrote about this not so long ago. The reality that God is always stronger and always present is becoming much more real. Praise God!