As I wrote yesterday’s blog I knew in my heart I was looking too much at man as I’ve been approaching the upcoming kick off of our Celebrate Recovery and especially the recovery groups.  My inadequacies have been screaming at me (fed by Satan’s deceptions I now know).  It was amazing to go to church and hear a sermon that did nothing but directly reinforce this.

Our pastor is focusing the sermon series for September around compassion.  It is a perfect theme for the month with us kicking off both of these recovery programs.  His sermon focus came from Mark 6:30-44—Feeding the 5000.  I’m going to hugely paraphrase but try to get the meaning across.  In this passage Christ asks the disciples about the amount of food within this huge group of followers who came to hear his teaching?  The disciples wanted Christ to send them away to get fed in the neighboring villages but Christ said he wanted them to feed the crowd.  When they reported to Christ there were 5 loaves and 2 fish, Christ had them bring the food to him and he broke the bread and divided the fish.  In so doing he fed everyone with 12 basketfuls left over.  The scripture says the people were satisfied.

As I was listening to this message I kept seeing myself wanting to gather more men around me to feed those coming for our recovery programs.  God has been telling me to “be still” which He did again this morning.  But, in my day I continue to try to appease my sense of inadequacies by trying to gather more expertise.  God is now saying to bring to Him what I have to feed the ones who come.  He will bless it and the ones who come will be satisfied.  This is not at all about me, it is all about me being willing to do what God asks and then let Him bless and feed–they will be satisfied.

I had thought God was likely done needing to teach me more before we started our new recovery classes.  However, this morning in my devotional time I knew there was more I was to learn.  It started when I was reading my devotional.  The message in it was being reliant on God and not on man.  We use others to support us.  However, we need to stay focused on the fact that support is not to be the core reason for what we do.  Following God’s leadership is why we do what we do.  The activities God has us do can become what we worship and idolize rather than God Himself.  My Bible reading today was starting the book of Isaiah.  Right off the bat Isaiah is telling the Israelites that God is not happy with their sacrifices.  The sacrifices have become simply a ritual with no heart in them.  They had become self-reliant on one another rather than helping one another see God in all they did.  Their purposes in living were driven by what man saw rather than what God saw.

As I was reading all of this I could hear God telling me that my eyes and my heart are to be solely on Him as we are to start these new recovery groups.  I tend to look ahead and see ones coming with problems bigger than the group leaders can handle since we are not professionals so we need that professional involvement with us.  God was pointing out that He wants me knowing these folks are coming with problems alright, but He is the One who prodded them to be there and He is their answer.  He will also prod the professional involvement as needed.  I don’t need to recruit them, He is already doing that.  I need only to welcome them and guide them to the right places and stop thinking it is my job to have all of this in place ahead of time.

My Bible reading ended with a reflection written by Joyce Meyers.  She was stating how God pulls away props in our own lives so we can become more reliant on Him only.  He wants us to become strong in this reliance on Him.  He calls this TRUST.  It is then we can be a good prop for a young one learning their walk with God.  I feel God has been pruning me to better understand and know this.  God is never done with us.  I can honestly say I am so glad too!

I awoke anxious again today.  It is Labor Day weekend but that didn’t matter.  I have things I want to do and things I want to enjoy and all of them were looking like “must do’s”.  As I started my devotions God simply said, “Why not turn this scene into a pristine one where each of these things to do get to be done out of pleasure rather than out of “must”?  Well, that’s all it took.  I get to enjoy this day.  I reread yesterday’s post and saw what I’d put from Joyce Meyer’s writing regarding the little foxes.  I was about to let those dang foxes win but God stepped in and gave perspective.  Boy is He a Good Dad!

Nineteen years ago today we buried my mom’s body and then had a celebration of her life.  This day it is as vivid in my mind as it was those 19 years ago.  Even though mom was 89 years old, none of us were ready for her departure.  It happened so suddenly.  All of us kids were looking forward to sharing her.  Dad had already been in the hospital for a couple weeks and we had been called to the hospital 3 or 4 times to give our good-byes.  However, it was not to be dad’s time.  Each one of them were ones where he rallied.  He ended living 3 years beyond mom before God took him home.

As I look back on these days I wouldn’t be as free today if God had arranged it differently with dad going first.  It was during dad’s days in the nursing home that I was able to finally confront him as my counselor had tried diligently to have me do.  I heard a line from dad I needed to hear directly from his voice.  He said, “I had told everyone I knew how proud I am of you, I guess I just forgot to tell you.”  Here I am 68 years old needing to know my dad was proud of me.  Well, it just doesn’t matter our age, we need to know we are loved and supported.  I got to hear that just a couple months before dad’s passing.  I will always be thankful for God’s timing.  He knew this for me and He knows this for each of us.  He is like that–A VERY GOOD DAD!

Today is a celebration!  It is my oldest daughter’s birthday.  She wouldn’t want me to put her age here so I’ll just let her do that part if she wants.  It makes a dad’s heart happy to see our kids doing well with their lives.  “Well” doesn’t mean a perfect life, but working to make the right decisions which honor God first and man second.  She does a good job working on this!

I started Song of Solomon this morning in my devotions.  It has always been to me the love story which is way too much like a chic-flick–it is so romantic that this guy I am thinks it is too overboard for me.  Well, tucked away in the middle of it is a nugget of wisdom I would have missed entirely if I hadn’t been reading it from the Joyce Meyer bible.  In chapter 2 verse 15 it says: “Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards for our vineyards are in blossom.”  Joyce writes a life point to this verse which I’m sure God wants each of us to better understand.  She says, “What this means is that people’s lives are typically not destroyed by what we would consider ‘big’ issues, but by a series of smaller, seemingly insignificant choices or compromises.  Watch for the little foxes in your life; forgive even the most minor offense so that your heart stays clean, do not cut corners in your finances or on the job when you think no one will notice, do not expose yourself to ungodly influences, thinking it won’t hurt me if I do it just this once.  Little thinks add up to big things, and before you know it little foxes can ruin a strong, healthy vine.”  Notice that the verse says the vineyard is in blossom.  Satan doesn’t want any fruit forming so he destroys all he can ahead of the fruit.

God really wanted me to read and process this today.  Yesterday was filled with little foxes.  Without going into it, I witnessed it happening last night with one of our Celebrate Recovery folks.  They simply left due to some circumstances, leaving Satan rejoicing–I’m quite certain.  It is the little things that go unattended and build up which almost always cause the significant damage.  I’m asking God to help me stop and deal with the little foxes when I see them.  I also want to help others stop and do the same.  This message is a tremendously strong recovery piece for which  I needed reminding. It is putting Godly Wisdom to work.

Yesterday turned out to be a remarkably good day.  I had 3 meetings for our recovery ministry groups which went well.  A retired counselor gave me a box of excellent resources we can use.  I was wanting to create a resource library for all the volunteers we have.  This will be a great start for it.  The two counselors who met with our group leaders last night also did an outstanding job.  I think they removed a good deal of anxiety for us.  It helps to know we have expertise right with us.

“Take every thought captive.”  II Corinthians 10:5.  This is the verse I’ve been working with for the 30 days to help me keep from stepping into anxiety and stress as we move into the start of our recovery work.  Every morning God reminds me to “be still and know that He is God.”  This always takes me to a place where I relax and surrender.  A good friend once told me that my anxiety was a gift in that it kept me focused on what is important when starting something new.  I don’t think it is anxiety when my mind is working to process all that needs to be done when getting something started well.  It is when I begin to doubt that I can do this that anxiety takes over.  This gift turns into a character flaw at that point.  This is what God helps with each morning when He reminds me to “be still–He is God”.  Surrendering all that is gripping me is done at this point.  Each day He brings me closer to Him by showing me how He completes His Work well.  An example yesterday was my email I wrote about.  My first attempt to address it took care of it.  I had prayed for God’s direction and that did it.

The week before we start the first groups, Sept. 11, I’ve asked a dear lady–prayer warrior to come and meet with all of us group leaders.  She is going to be helping us address spiritual warfare.  She is my prayer warrior and she gives me continuous  encouragement.

Lastly, this morning I was reading in Ecclesiastes.  The chapter was 11.  It is here Solomon writes about not waiting when God has called you into something with Him.  It would be so easy to walk away from this present work.  Satan does all he can to complicate and confuse.  However, God is very clear that today is the day He wants us moving forward with this.  The chapter starts off saying, “Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.”  This present bread is recovery from brokenness.  Casting this bread is hope for some very lost folks waiting to know they don’t have to live in the darkness they’ve hidden for so long.  I know this brokenness, darkness and I know this hiding.  God is calling us and I want nothing else but to obey.

Yesterday morning I went to update my cell phone.  (I should know better).  All was fine until I had to give my password for my email account which I use the most.  It is my msn.com one.  I’ve had it since I first started an email account over 20 years ago.  At this point in time I don’t have a clue what it is.  I entered what I thought and made a few adjustments fitting what I thought I may have done and of course, nothing was right.  I got home and went to work to “change my password”.  This requires answering questions I could no longer answer so I maxed out the attempts for both changing the password and entering the original one.  My message was that I’d need to wait until tomorrow to restart.  It is now tomorrow so I’m going to see if I can make this work!  In times past I would chalk all of this up to the fact I’m unworthy and unfit for this type of luxury.  I’m so glad those days are behind me.  Now I know I’m just old and very forgetful!

Tonight is the time when the two counselors are meeting with our recovery group leaders.  I’m really looking forward to having all of us together to hear what we can learn from them.  Our time is drawing close to our start.

Last night our worship pastor (choir director) had everyone involved in our forthcoming Christmas production come together to try out for specific parts.  I was only there because I volunteered to be a caroler and in the choir portion.  One of the main characters in the production is someone who’d make Scrooge look polite and nice. When I heard several of his lines I made the statement that he had a lot in common with a “horse’s part”.  In so doing I offended a man sitting close to me and he lit into me like I haven’t been since dad days.  I wasn’t sure what to do with this so I asked God for direction this morning.  It seemed clear I need to apologize for offending him.  I know my “humor” has done this in times past.  So, I will apologize when I see him again.

It is funny how two rather small things: updating a cell phone and taking part in a production tryout, can lead to such major time consumers.  I know I’m to learn from them what God wants me to glean and then let go of the rest.  They seem small but when living one day at a time, they are routine items I don’t want to repeat any time soon.

Yesterday turned out to be a day for God to show Himself.  Kathy and I bought a new washing machine last Spring.  It was the “exact one” she’d been wanting–so she thought.  No matter what she tried she could not find satisfaction with it.  Yesterday we went back to the dealer and even though it has been 4 months, they are taking it back and letting us choose which one we want for a straight across the board trade.  I was hearing all kinds of excuses in my mind as to why they couldn’t do anything for us, yet they didn’t even question us.  They actually thanked Kathy for being so diligent in trying to make it work for her before coming in.  This might seem trite, but I was very appreciative of God’s involvement in this.

In the afternoon yesterday I got a text from one of our pastors wanting to meet with me 30 minutes ahead of choir practice.  Somehow I knew it would be to “scold me or reign me in” in some category of the recovery ministries.  However, when I got to the church he had an order of curriculum materials for me and some great news about a volunteer who might be a tremendous help for us.

This morning I was processing with God about this mindset of mine–always expecting that I’ve done something wrong and needing to be lectured.  Well, God simply reminded me of the scripture I am using this month to reframe my belief system.  It is II Corinthians 10:5–“to take every thought captive….”  Proverbs 23:7 also tells us “As a man thinks, so is he.”  God is truly wanting me to break away from this “old man” thinking pattern I’ve had.  I’m a new creation and He wants me believing I’m a new creation in every aspect of my life.  Once again the words of the Serenity Prayer ring true:  “one day at a time and one moment at a time”.  I am amazed always at this Almighty God we serve.  He truly is interested in every aspect of our lives.  I want to be always growing closer to Him and to serve Him well.

The smoke-laden West is getting some rain this morning.  I don’t know when I’ve been so happy to see drops of rain falling from the sky.  The clouds aren’t dense, but they are letting drops fall enough to hit the earth and in so doing it will dampen the fires burning and remove the pollutants keeping air quality in the “hard to breathe” range.  Thank you God!

Today’s scriptural message in Proverbs seemed to direct me to stay focused on what God is telling me–not what man is saying.  Man wants the first seat at the table and God says to take the back seat and if you are asked to move to the front seat you are being truly honored.  Proverbs 27:1&2 tells this nicely.

A couple of weeks ago I was told something that was very troubling to me.  It is not in the realm of things I work with, but nonetheless, it was troubling.  This morning I was asking God what He wanted me to do with it.  I was surprised with His response (even though I should not have been).  He seemed to say for me to address what He has given me to do and to leave for Him and others what is told to me only out of the need to tell.  As soon as I heard this message I felt like Satan was trying to use this information to distract me from the work God has me doing.  He is the master of deceit and this could have been one of them for me.  There are many details to get into place as we approach the launch of our recovery ministries and I don’t want to do anything which would deter me from God’s purposes in this.   Let God alone be honored this day by my words and deeds.

Yesterday afternoon Kathy and I went to a birthday party for a little 2 year old boy.  He is the son of the young man I went to lunch with last Monday.  I believe I mentioned this  in a blog earlier last week.  This little boy’s dad had a very troubling childhood.  When we went to lunch I gave him one of my books.  He told me yesterday he had finished it.  He also told me there were too many things alike between his grandma (his adopted mom) and my own dad.  When his grandma saw me at the party her words to him were, “What in the h…. is he doing here?”  He told me this because he felt bad she still harbored much resentment towards me.  I told him to let that go.  This was her problem, not his or mine. Back 20+ years ago when they were working to adopt him I had written a letter which describe some of my concerns about her ability to be an adopted mom.  This young man’s life today still carries the weight of these wounds. I was glad to be there and besides, it was no surprise to me she felt this way.  It only confirmed she hasn’t changed.  The party was lots of fun and Kathy and I got to meet a number of people we would never have known otherwise.  This young man is surrounding himself with good friends who are a good influence.  I see him trying to please this “mom” just like I use to try and please dad.  I hate to think it will never change, but he’s in his early 30’s and she is approaching 80 so I think the chances are growing slim.

As I was reading this morning in Proverbs there are many verses which describe yesterday.  The haughtiness and pride of one’s attitude will drive people away from you.  The tenderness and support of one’s attitude will be like a magnet to others who enjoy being with you.  I remember my dad asking me why no one came to visit him in the nursing home?  He died a lonely man.  I’m afraid this lady will do the same unless there is a miraculous turn around.  Only God can do this but we also must make this choice.  God is Amazing.  He wants us to be the same as we strive to live amazingly for Him.

So what about love?  When I spent time yesterday doing what was to be done: working in my brother’s garden and then in my own, mowing the lawn, etc., I found myself not being so troubled with this love item.  The only times I’ve heard anyone say “I’m in love with you” is when they are courting one another.  Last night Kathy and I were going to dinner with friends and I asked her about the two phrases.  She’d read yesterday’s blog so she was familiar with it.  She wasn’t at all troubled by the two phrases.  She simply said the “I love you” is the phrase one uses after they say “I’m in love” with you.  It is as though the one phrase is an awakening phrase and the other is the confirmation of wanting a lifetime commitment.  I’m probably making this much bigger than it is, however, the piece that hits me this morning is about spirit.  It seems our spirit is the driver of love.  I loved my mom due to her gentle, loving spirit.  I resented my dad due to his selfish, conceited spirit.

These past two years+ have been spent journaling to God Himself.  In this time I can honestly say I have moved into a belief and state of being that now trusts God fully and deeply respects and appreciates Him.  I can honestly say, I love Him and over the two year time I have been falling in love with Him due to the continuous discoveries of His steadfastness and the truth of every scripture He has had written in His Word–the Bible.  When I realized in loving God I am also loving His Holy Spirit, it is helping me come to know The Holy Spirit that lives within me.  This is the remarkable part.  This God I love is Spirit and His Holy Spirit has been given to me to live within me.  Awakening to my spirit and to God’s Holy Spirit helps me to be more anchored in what God is doing and what He wants me doing to support it.  Wow, do I love Him!