Corinthians, both first and second, has so much Paul is attempting to get the people to understand about the importance of relationships–healthy ones committed to God and His purposes in our lives. However, the one relationship that often times is hardest to talk about and do anything about is the one with oneself. We spend so much time working on friendships with others and all the while avoid at any cost looking deeply into ourselves.

These past couple of years have intensified this greatly for me. This morning’s devotional time has an insert written by Joyce Meyer. She writes, “A large number of believers are tormented by negative thinking about themselves. They think about how God must be so displeased with them because of all their weaknesses and failures.” She goes on to write, “…If you ever want to behave better, you have to change your thinking first. …Every time a negative, condemning thought comes to mind, remind yourself that God loves you, that you have been made the righteousness of God in Christ.”

I have needed to unlearn the belief that I needed to earn my righteousness of God in Christ. That is who I am as a new creation by accepting Christ into my life. The work I do is not to earn this, the work I do is to believe it. What Joyce Meyer says about changing our thinking is what I’ve needed to do. Confronting the lies Satan puts into our minds is a discipline. Who I am is anchored in what God has promised through the righteousness of His Son Jesus. Believing this is my work–not earning it.

“Make decisions from the heart rather than from our emotions.” This statement was part of my Bible reading this morning in II Corinthians 5. The Holy Spirit resides in our heart and our heart is what is eternal. Satan has a very devious way of often confusing one’s decision making using emotions to drive it rather than decisions from the heart. The more I have begun to live knowing I’m a new creation, the more awake I’m becoming to the differences between the two of these.

My mom use to tell me to wait three days in order to act upon important decisions. If the decision is the same in 3 days, act on it. If emotions are driving the decision, you will vacillate a good deal in 3 days. It is then you don’t want to make the decision. I can easily see the wisdom in this today. Our heart doesn’t change its mind if we allow ourselves the time to meditate on this.

Last winter I was contacted by an educational consulting firm in Montana. I know the director fairly well since she had started her career in Idaho. She contacted me in January asking if I’d consider working with a district there. As we talked I told her I’d pray about it. In March she contacted me again asking if I’d prayed and what I had thought about it. Well, truth be known, I hadn’t prayed and hadn’t given it any amount of thought. I just didn’t want to do it–driving long distances in Montana during the winter months? From March to May I did pray about it each day asking God for His leadership. What I found amazing was that the idea of not doing it never entered my heart. My emotions vacillated often. When I went to check it out in July I could see then the confirmation of my heart’s steadfastness in knowing I was to do this. Even now I have to remind my emotions that they are not in charge of me–God is and I don’t know that through my emotions. I know that through faith/trust in the stability of God’s Holy Spirit in my heart. Yes, winter is coming, but God is in charge of winters too.

This morning I awoke with a heaviness I haven’t known for a while. Today has some interruptions in it which complicate the routine I usually follow in the school for which I’m working. I also had an email from the superintendent regarding a meeting which added another layer of interruption. This is for today, but I’m coming off of a day where a meeting with yesterday’s school had me a little unraveled as to steps to take with them. So, I started my journaling with Jesus telling Him I wasn’t able to do justice to today when He kindly reminded me to take a look at Him rather than me. I had just yesterday morning told Him I would surrender completely to The Holy Spirit’s control of my life and already I’d begun to look at me rather than give it to Him. In doing this I was quickly able to realize this is just a day and all of this will work itself out as I take it one step at a time. I’m not the one who needs to do the prioritizing. God will do that as I approach each one of these. My job is to show up and go where God leads at the time. I can and do trust Him in this.

Yesterday’s school and today’s school have several factors which need attention in order to be working as smoothly as they ought. It is easy to get caught up in the quagmire of details forgetting to focus on the goal and purpose of my presence with them. This morning’s time with God has done just that–brought Light into a moment of darkness. Boy, Satan sure loves darkness. However, The Holy Spirit’s presence shatters it as soon as I reposition myself with Him.

Tonight we will reflect on how the words of “The Refiner’s Fire” spoke to us in the past week. I think I could take the entire 1 hr & 15 mins we are there just speaking to what God had to tell/show me. It all started with the truth that God’s refining fire doesn’t destroy us but it refines/purifies us. It gets rid of the dross so that the purity of the bronze, silver, gold shines through–better known as His Holy Spirit living freely in our lives.

This dross for me has been in part the lies I’ve believed about myself for so long! Along with that, I’ve had this watered down version of God’s love for me–another lie. I’ve believed if I weren’t like my dad or my brother or even like mom (avoiding conflict at any cost) I would be good enough for God in spite of my own personal sins–yet another lie. If I sang God’s inspired songs beautifully, taught His lessons at church and kept a beautiful enough garden to display His beauty in nature I’d earn His attention–another lie. This God of ours has been waiting with open arms to embrace us in a relationship Satan despises. He will do all he can to keep the dross in our lives so we can’t see this beautiful God, Savior and Lord He has offered us.

This morning I heard the Spirit’s voice asking me if I’m all in? I humbly said yes. I know I’m not sufficient to serve God fully, but with God’s Holy Spirit living more freely than ever before, I will do as Paul said in Philippians 3:14: “I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven.” This prize–Christ’s words as we embrace in heaven: “Good and faithful servant”.

Today I go into the class for Mending the Soul. We are nearing the end of chapter 9 which is entitled, “Surrendering to God’s Love”. In today’s part of the chapter one finds the words that for abuse victims, we find them experiencing their Christian walk through their mind rather than their heart. When I read this I thought, “what other way is there is know your walk with God but through your mind?” I was then hit with the fact that God has been trying for years to get me to understand that my eternal spirit lives in my heart not in my mind.

This chapter continuously brings to the forefront the anger one has hidden deep within oneself. Anger from never being recognized and instead, being abused; always being belittled and never being praised, and the list could go on and on. The hurt from childhood has to be brought out in order for one’s heart to be exposed. It was the child’s heart that was hurt repeatedly for years that drove one to his mind in order to protect his heart. Little did I know I was doing that, but I certainly recognize it today.

Trusting the Love of God when one felt as though he didn’t matter to God or He would have protected you, seems ridiculous until you work through all the steps in this chapter. This is my third time through and I’m still finding more to surrender. I wrote in my journal that I find more reality by listening to the others share their hurts and all of a sudden I feel the same pain of my own which is now no longer buried deep within me. I can then let it go.

God is so patient and kind providing this opportunity for us to heal and trust Him in ways I never thought possible. How I’m learning to love Him more and more!

In the 2nd verse of The Refiner’s Fire it says: “I’m learning now to trust His touch, to crave the fire’s embrace….” It seemed God was wanting me to ponder this as He wouldn’t let it go this morning. I’ve never been one for simply touch. Hugs–yes. Touch–no. Well, as I began to allow myself to see Jesus laying my head on His chest and simply holding me there, I saw myself relax instead of becoming tense and uptight. I’d never pictured this before for me. It was then that the meaning of the second part of the phrase, “to crave the fire’s embrace” began to take root.

When fire is enveloping anything it engulfs it and opens it up getting to the core of whatever it is burning. As the fire has begun to embrace me and consume the protective cover around me I’ve had all of my life, I find a boy who is wishing to be held. He doesn’t have any fear of it as this adult has always had. When Jesus opened His arms to this boy he went into His arms.

This fire of our Refiner is consuming. But, just as silver and gold is purified with intense heat, we are too. The fire didn’t consume this little boy–it revealed him. The beauty of God’s creation is found each and every time when we allow Him to “have his way with thee”.

As I read through the words of “The Refiner’s Fire” again this morning I had to stop where it says, “Each time His purging cleanses deeper, I’m not sure that I’ll survive….” When I was in counseling and therapy I was told by each of the counselors I may never get rid of the deep rooted desires regarding gayness. This was planted so early in my life that I might just have to live with this, I was told. I’ve always hated this about myself and wondered why God wouldn’t remove it? Yet, the words say, “…cleanses deeper” so I pray again that this time it will go deeply enough to cleanse this sinful desire. I know that God has used my message of struggle to give permission for others to voice their struggle. Even when one doesn’t consider it a struggle, they speak to me because this desire is in common. So, if I am to live with this for the remainder of my days, I will try to do so with gladness of heart knowing God is using this to His Glory and Honor.

What God’s Light does reveal for me this morning is that the desire is not sin. Acting on the desire is the sin. The desire also doesn’t make me less than another man nor does it make me like my brother. It does however make me like all other men–human with sinful desires each one of us must face and surrender. In light of all this I asked God to remove it knowing He can. Yet, if He chooses to not, I will still rejoice that I am His child!

The Refiner’s Fire continues to burn. In the first verse of this song it says the fire burns with sacred heat white hot with holy flame. With any kind of flame comes light and the hotter the flame the whiter and brighter the light is. What is profound to me is that the Light of Jesus which is generated from this sacred heat identifies that my old beliefs about me were lies. It then replaces those lies with truth. God didn’t ever despise me because of my past, I was the one who did and Satan had me believing the world would too if they knew. The other thing that is amazing is that instead of obliterating my memory of my past (which I had prayed desperately hundreds of times He would do so I could be whole) He created the desire to tell my past so others could feel safer opening up about their own.

After yesterday’s post I spent the day in temptation forgetting that Satan does his best to try and manipulate this Light of God into showing the world how sinful I am rather than showing God’s healing. I needed to be reminded that the pureness of God’s Light from this sacred heat is always cleansing and never destructive. Oh how easy it is to twist this truth however and for a moment I was there. God has reanchored His Truth again.

Our choir director, for some reason, was inspired to have each of us spend time with our devotions to see what God would say to us regarding this song’s message. It is sure causing me to step back into areas I find needed a little (lot) more attention from this sacred heat so that in growing weaker in the flesh I would grow more confident in my weakness knowing God’s Strength has taken over.

The Refiner’s Fire is still very much in the forefront of my mind and my soul. As I was journaling with Jesus this morning much more insights came to me. The one which stands out significantly is that the Refiner’s fire is to purify–not destroy. Satan had me convinced that if I were to admit to my past abuse I would be destroyed. My career would be destroyed and I would be of no value to anyone–especially me for my only value was in my work. But, all of this time, Jesus Christ was waiting for me to awaken just a sliver to trusting Him with His Message–He wanted to free me, not destroy me.

This message is so powerful! It is the very essence of where the men in the Mending the Soul class are. Each one is needing to face Jesus with a decision–Will I, even for a moment, allow myself to believe You were with me in my time of abuse? Will I, even for a moment, allow myself to believe I am loved by You? Will I, even for a moment, look into Your Face and tell you I want to believe this even while I’m trying not to hate You for allowing this abuse to happen to me!

I write this post with such passion. I lived in this place of bitterness, hatred and confusion for years. Yet, today, I know this Jesus as my Loving Savior, my Lord, and my Refiner Who used the Fire to heal me rather than destroy me! This is for each one of us too!

“The Refiner’s Fire” is a song I first heart over 30 years ago sung by Steve Green. He is a tenor who sang great gospel songs so I’d often learn and sing them myself. This particular song is one our choir director recently had us begin to practice. She asked last night that we take the song home and read through the words each day this week and see what God would want to say to us about them. I know this song well. I remember when it first came out and I got the music. I thought I’d have to steel myself to sing it. The message rings too close to home. Thus, I never did sing it, I just listened to it a lot.

The first verse goes, “There burns a fire of sacred heat, white hot with holy flame; and all who dare pass through its blaze will not emerge the same. Some as bronze and some as silver, some as gold, there with great skill, all are hammered by their sufferings on the anvil of His will.” Then the chorus reads, : “The Refiner’s fire has now become my sole desire. purged and cleansed and purified, that the Lord be glorified. He is consuming my soul, refining me, making me whole. No matter what I may lose, I choose the Refiner’s fire.”

I awoke several times during the night with these words going through my mind. I know God has much He is wanting me to learn as I go through this task this week. Thus far, it is bringing back the memories of all the therapy and the challenge to test what was being revealed from it. The words, “all are hammered by their sufferings on the anvil of His will” and then in the chorus, “purged and cleansed and purified, that the Lord be glorified”. At the time of the therapy I had little idea how God would be glorified, yet He uses every hurt to help someone else address their own making all of it worthwhile. Then I realize I am more whole than I had ever been. The amazing work of our Father is incredible!