I’m always amazed with our Lord and Savior.  He pursues us and when each one of us finally realizes this, we can begin to build a relationship with God, with Jesus Christ and with The Holy Spirit we would never know otherwise.  I speak to this first hand.  When one reads through the Bible one finds endless number of characters God has seemingly singled out.  Little had I thought about the part the individual played as God was pursuing. They had to be willing to respond through obedience to God’s nudges to them.  Most of the ones we read about in scripture have huge impact on humanity.  I’m also realizing that God is not wanting me to look for impact, that is His role.  He is wanting me to look at Him.  As He continues to nudge, speak, remind, and I learn to respond at the time through obedience, I often see impact or I sense contentment.  What I’ve never expected to know is the deep peace in my soul He promises.

Today is not a day with schools or with ministry.  It is a day I get to be a gardener.  I have a couple things I will do like practice a song I’m singing Sunday with our choir and a quartet practice tonight, but the day is open.  Even in a day like today, God is saying to listen and be awake for His nudges.  Sometimes the nudge is simply to look up and rejoice.  That’s what I’m doing right now as I write this.  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Today is the anniversary of my brother in law’s passing.  He was a remarkable man in so many ways.  I know my sis and their two sons and their families will be mourning today.  I will too in a sense.  However, I know God is wanting me to celebrate his life and help my family do the same.  Randy and I wore the same size shoes, the same size ring and Bonnie gave me a ring she’d bought Randy as well as a couple pair of his shoes he’d never worn.  So today I’m wearing Randy.  Randy and I use to greet one another with bird calls since we both like birds.  I know this sounds goofy, but I’m doing my bird call just to remember the fun we use to have simply being together.  He is with our Father and a host of family in heaven.  Yes, we miss him but today along with mourning his absence, lets celebrate his remembrance.

Yesterday had several important meetings taking place both with the ministry work in recovery as well as with the State Dept. of Ed where I do my consulting work.  I was thinking from them I would sort out what portion of the work I’d quit.  Instead, God showed me how to streamline it rather than quit it.  He is amazingly detailed.  As I learn to listen more closely to Him throughout my day I realize more and more how much of life I’ve struggled through because I tried for so long to do it on my own.  Boy, I never want to go back to that lonely struggle.

Last night I was so touched as we went around the table and I listened to each one attending name the area of leading they wanted to pursue with the recovery topics.  The momentum of the meeting was great and we got through so much more detail than I ever expected.  There was a rich harmony present which I should have anticipated but I hadn’t.  I was simply touched over and over by the tender and firm cooperation everyone had to grasp this work and move forward with it in nurture and support.  Wow, our God is so Good!

As I am reading now in Exodus all about the rules God gave Moses for the children of Israel, I am stunned all over again.  If you have read them you know there were hundreds of them.  When I finished reading these chapters I asked God if there is something He wanted me to know from these?  I was expecting Him to say something like these rules are no longer relevant to you so skip them.  However, what He spoke into my mind was this, “These are the rules for living under the old covenant.  You now are living in the new covenant where guidance is given by nudges from the Holy Spirit.  In either place, old or new covenant, obedience is the key.”  All of a sudden I realized a very important factor.  God’s Holy Spirit speaks to us by nudges all the time.  These aren’t to be dealt with as though they are suggestions.  The old covenant rules were not to be dealt with as suggestions either.  The rules were written for the old covenant and ours are nudged in our spirit.  Both are to be obeyed.  If I were to tally all the nudges I’ve had over time there would be hundreds of them too.  I love the intimacy of The Holy Spirit living within me.  I want to be fully awake to my need to obey as He nudges.

Tonight is the one where the team working to lead the new recovery classes will start to get going with the curriculum.  First they will identify their area of interest and we will see who will be working together, etc.  I’m also meeting with our State Dept. of Education this afternoon over the new process of helping failing schools starting this next Fall.  I was feeling rather overwhelmed as I got up this morning but God’s message earlier about obeying His nudges makes me know I am on track.  Today doesn’t start teaching the classes nor does today start the work with the schools.  Today is for identifying key people to do the work, what materials we will use, and the process for all of this.   Then,  we will take the time to learn the materials before we teach them.  God certainly is good at taking anxiety and replacing it with purpose and meaning when it is surrendered.

I’m having a problem getting this written today.  I have so many things swirling around in my head.  The one thing that is certain–God is steadfast, my solid Rock, and my intimate Friend.  Sometimes the things in my life begin to overwhelm me but this morning He reminded me to reflect on my life and see once again where He has always been with me and I was easily able to do this.  God is so Good!

Last night I was watching a Hallmark program.  A line spoken in the program really hit me when I heard it.  It was, “I feel cheated….”  I won’t go into the setting of it but I was instantly hit with the truth that I was cheated from much happiness in my childhood.  I worked hard to create happiness around me but deep inside my spirit I ached.  I asked God to help me deal with this as I was having my devotions this morning.  He didn’t hesitate at all.  He asked me to close my eyes.  When I did I was able to recall so many joyous times I had with my siblings, my mom, my dad, my relatives while growing up.  I smile now recalling all of this again.  God showed me that these times were examples of His presence when I had thought I was all alone.  He is a joy giver and Satan is a joy robber.  Yes, I was cheated in many ways while I was growing up and Satan did a number on me to keep me in bondage so much of my adult years.  However, God is faithful and true to His Word.  Psalms 30:11-12 says:  “You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my soul may sing praise to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever!”  Thank you Father!

The beauty of Spring has really hit.  The daffodils and tulips are in their full beauty as I look out the window of my den.  The air is still (no wind) and the leaves are emerging on all the trees.  The flowering trees are lush in bloom right now.  Yes, I do love Spring!

As yesterday began it was calm for the first day all last week since coming home from Oklahoma.  I was wanting to get my lawn sprayed for dandelions and other weeds so I quickly got things ready and began the work.  My granddaughter had a basketball tournament I thought at 10:30 for which I was going.  I had finished the spraying and was eating a bowl of cereal when my daughter text me that she was at the game and where she was sitting (it was 9:55).  Kathy was already gone having left earlier for a bible study at the church.  She was driving separate of me.  I quickly left the house realizing the game was at 10 and not 10:30.  They usually last an hour so I knew I’d only catch the last two quarters being 30 minutes away.  I got within seeing the high school where the tournament took place to get a call from my son-in-law telling me the game was over.  They had played straight through.  Typically I  would have beat myself up at this point.  Instead, I laughed knowing Kathy had told me correctly, but I had logged it in my head incorrectly.  I’m sure we have all been there in our lives.  I had just felt bad I didn’t get to support my granddaughter.

Being a new creation, living it out day by day, is truly a transformation of our mind.  It is not a discipline as much as it is a belief.  I disciplined myself to be “new” forever.  Only now am I truly realizing that believing I’m new is what God has always wanted me to do.  It has only been since this change that the transformation kicks in.  This transformation is remarkable realizing I don’t need to beat myself up each time I make a simple error.  God is so patient with us.  His gifts are eternal.  He gives them to us and then waits for us to finally open the gift and receive it’s blessing.

I have been a Christian for 50+ years.  During this time I’ve spent most of it living as the old creation I was, fighting the haunting memories of abuse.  It is revealing to take a moment like this and realize the most haunting memories were the verbal abuses along with the sexual abuse.  These together had me believing for so long that I was gay just like my brother and much less valuable than most men.  A gay person wouldn’t be attracted to someone who wasn’t–would they?  Even though I know in my logical mind this isn’t true at all, it is something Satan has tried to keep me tormented and in bondage throughout my life.

Now that I’ve learned to trust God’s Grace, Christ’s work on the Cross, The Holy Spirit’s indwelling, I can better live the new creation life Christ made me to be so long ago.  I’m realizing how much of our life we waste and how much opportunity we miss completing God’s Kingdom work when we stay in hiding.  I use to equate tormenting temptations as part of me and my sinfulness.  God has fully shown me this is one of Satan’s biggest deceptions.  I was made clean and whole as a new creation and I can surrender each of these tempting moments knowing they no longer own me.  Join me in being free and find help if you are not able to believe this.  The lie has been labeled as such.  You don’t have to believe it ever again!

God continues to make all things new–including me.  Yesterday I had the conversation I needed with Kathy.  It was good to have done so.  I’m always amazed when these times come to find just how intimately personal God is with us.  He cares deeply for us but waits for us to be fully ready to understand Him, obey Him, hear Him or whatever is in the present situation.

Today I was reading in Exodus where the Israelites left Egypt after the night where God killed the first born of man and animal.  The Israelites had sacrificed the lamb and put the blood on the side posts and the cross bar above the door to their homes.  There was a footnote at this point written by Joyce Meyer.  She says that this was God’s old covenant with the Israelites.  Today we are freed from death by Christ’s shed blood on the Cross.  This is the new covenant.  She says to pray and conceptualize Christ’s blood purifying your mind, your soul, your body and spirit.  Along with it, purify whatever may torment you right now or have you in bondage.  It was good to read this and act on it.  I know my sins are forgiven by Christ’s shed blood but it is refreshing to be reminded of this freedom especially following the action God had me take in talking with Kathy yesterday.

God is the same God today as was with Moses when He led the Israelites out of Egypt.  Today He wants to lead us out of any bondage that may be gripping us.  Let Him do this if you are struggling in any way.  God is the Only True God and Christ’s work on the Cross of Calvary is the provider of freedom waiting for each of us.

Yesterday turned out to be quite the day.  I went to the school I was to work with only to find I was to be there Friday, not Wednesday.  Even though there were a couple things I could attend to, it was a goof-up on my part putting it incorrectly in my phone calendar.  I got home to find a myriad of things needing attention, insurance, my daughter’s car purchase and the rental she had after the wreck and more.  I spent much of the day working through issues which still are not resolved.  In the midst of this Kathy and I had a talk about our need to better connect with one another.

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery lesson was Victory.  It goes into the fact that we have character defects (defective thinking) from our growing up years.  I certainly have had many and still have.  God is helping me with them and this morning He gave me much insight into a major one.  Last summer I wrote a post regarding my need to see my mom as a human and not as a super human.  I would never be able to forgive her for her absence when I desperately needed her as a child growing up with the abuse of dad and my brother.  (This advice was given to me by the counselor/therapist I had for 3 years.)  I was left all alone to figure out how I could be strong all by myself.  In this I found the habit of porn much later in life to salve my deep hurt.  Once I recognized this I was able to talk with mom (even though she’s gone from this earth) and forgive her for this void.

Much of my connection to Kathy has been tied to that emotional need deep within to be supported.  I hadn’t recognized this until God pointed it out this morning.  Now I can go to her and talk this through.  I don’t need a super-human as a wife, I need a human being who was given to me by God to complete me and I complete her.  Maybe this sounds silly to a reader, but to me, the writer, it makes perfect sense.  My defective thinking was tied to an inner wound I was wanting Kathy to fix even though she never could, when God wanted me to see that He does this as I see Kathy through His eyes and as His gift to me.  She isn’t a god, she is my wife–a human, with flaws just like me.  I don’t walk this road of recovery hoping to access her as needed, I walk it with her side by side each and every step of the way.  Thank you Father for this wake up!

Yes, the journey continues and I’m home.  Today I go to work with one of the schools I serve.  However, God this morning was needing to anchor me once and for all that what He has for me to do is all about Him.  I look at yesterday and know that Kathy and I got home very tired and in need of rest.  Kathy had her own agenda needing attention from one of our grandkids and she faithfully left to complete it.  I needed to address somethings here at home.  While I was alone and tired I began to doubt my capabilities to now start moving forward with the recovery ministries God has led me to.  Surely there is someone better equipped and just a better person to do this, I kept telling Him.  Has He forgotten already what my past is?  God, on the other hand had me reading His call to Moses this morning in the first five chapters of Exodus.  In it Moses was giving all kinds of excuses why he wasn’t the right person to complete God’s assignment for him.  I found myself in this big time.  So, as I journaled this morning I told God I know He is ready for me to use all of my past for His Glory Work.  He is already doing this and the fact we are expanding it is just something God wants done.  Yes, He can have someone else do it but He is asking me to be the one for this point in time.  I’m ready to begin.  I see my failures, but God sees Himself in me as I take each step of obedience.  We will do this and I will be an obedient servant.  God is so faithful and I want to be too.

We’re at the airport waiting to board our flight home. Last nights event was touching beyond words. It was truly one of the most spiritual moments I’ve experienced in my life. Having a child become a minister of God is a moment of humble pride. Experiencing her ordination was a privilege and honor. God is already using her in His Kingdom Work and it will be so nice to watch and see how this continues.

As we return home I’m eager to watch how God brings together our own recovery team. A week from today we will be meeting to head into the areas where recovery is being expanded. I know He is at work. God loves all His children in all of this world He created. No one is intended to stay in this bondage man and Satan create. The harvest is ripe. Let’s bring forth the workers for this field of service and recovery.