Today my younger brother turns my age until my birthday on July 1.  I’ve said it before but I just can hardly believe mom was 41 when I was born and 10 months and 6 days later she had Ron!  Wow!

As I began to read my devotional this morning the topic was bondage.  As I began to read the book of Numbers, the topic was bondage.  I’m sure this is not just coincidental.  The bondage the devotional was talking about was perfectly aligned with the way Numbers starts.  When we are in the midst of crisis it is easy to see the tentacles of bondage and run from it.  When we have been distanced from it and the insecurities of life set in, it is not as easy to remain living in the freedom.  We tend to want to go back to what we’ve known no matter how bad it may have been.  It requires trusting God and having faith in taking the steps God asks us to take not knowing most of the time what is on the other side of the step/s.

Often times the missing ingredient is the relationship we have or don’t have with God.  The Israelites are free from Egypt right now as Numbers starts but the God they are told to serve is the one who allowed them to be in slavery for 400 years.  Their relationship with God and with Moses is rather new.  Today, those in bondage, are asked to trust God when He allowed them to be abused through their childhood.  (I’m talking for me right now).  The difference for me–relationship.  Healthy relationships breed trust and faith.  It takes time to do this and it takes discipline to remain in the relationship.  God has been so loving and faithful throughout this journey of recovery.  I never want to fall back into the bondage of my past.  I also want to spend the rest of my life assisting others as God has placed before me.   The pain of abuse can fade somewhat when insecurities of the future set in.  However, the beauty of trust in a strong relationship will demolish the insecurities.  I want to remain faithful and true to this wonderful God I serve.

The blog was brief yesterday but the day wasn’t.  As I left to go help my grandson I called him and reminded him his dad lives just a short distance from his location on the freeway.  This hadn’t crossed his mind so he called and they were able to take care of it .  It was also good for them to have this time together.  God is good this way.

After I’d finished the work with the school district at noon yesterday I came home to work in the garden and mow the lawn.  I was almost done with the lawn when my cell rang.  It was my younger brother calling to tell me our older brother who lives here in the same area had come by for a short visit that morning.  My younger brother’s birthday is tomorrow so this brother and his wife had brought his card.  After they left my brother was talking to his wife to find out my older brother and wife are coming to church on Sunday.  My older brother hadn’t mentioned this to my younger one, but the wives had talked about it. (This sounds pretty typical, doesn’t it.)  My younger brother got choked up telling me all of this.  We have prayed for this older brother for years.  He, as well as all my siblings, have struggled with their relationship with God due to our upbringing.  However, God is faithful.  I knew something was stirring in this brother by his behaviors the last time we had our family get together.  God is so faithful and this is confirmed yet again.  How I love Him for this.

Today my younger brother is coming over so we can go finish the basketball standard for one of my grandsons.  We will have all kinds of happiness when this is done!  God is so good.

God is showing me some things He wants me to know about Him and my relationship with Him as well as with The Holy Spirit and His Son Jesus Christ.  Also, my grandson just called and he blew a tire on the freeway so I’m on my way to help him.  More to come.

Today’s bible reading brought a point I’m needing to ponder.  The book of Leviticus is all about how the Israelites were being told to live in order to be pleasing to God.  It seems to leave nothing unaddressed.  It talks much about the blood sacrifice which I’ve read many times and heard many sermons about.  However, this morning as I read it, another point I’ve not caught stood out.  When God created man (Adam) and breathed the breath of live into him, it was in the blood.  Christ’s blood was shed to cleanse us and to give us new life.  Joyce Meyer says blood was already flowing through Adam’s veins when he was created by God.  However, it wasn’t until God breathed the breath of life into him that he became a living being.  God breathed His own life into him.

Now I’m having this picture forming in my mind about God’s Holy Spirit flowing throughout my body.  Our body is the home of The Holy Spirit who is given to us as a gift from Jesus Christ as we accept Him as our Savior.  Hearing this morning that God’s Spirit was breathed into man and life of man is the blood, it seems as though the Holy Spirit is flowing throughout us–not just housed in my brain or something.  As blood flows through my brain the Holy Spirit is able to take charge of my thinking, my responses, my memories, my impulses, my speech and so much more.  But our blood flows through all our body and not just to our brain.  When I was in therapy for PTSD I would always be asked where the pain was felt or surfaced from the memories uncovered.  It was throughout my body where I’d find the pain surfacing.  I’ve not only experienced this first hand, but I’ve also read of this truth from others having therapy.  Once the wound is open, this life-blood filled with the Holy Spirit begins its healing.  I am just seeing this as it is for the first time with so much more clarity.

I know this isn’t the typical blog entry, but today God is showing me something I think He has been waiting for me to see.  His Holy Spirit is Him for God is Spirit.  He has placed Himself within me to not only heal my body, mind and soul, but to also guide each and every step of each and every day.  I’m very open to discussion on this but I do know there is a fundamental point God is making for me.  He is my healer, my Savior, my Friend, and my Lord and King.  Praise be to Almighty God!

Last night I finished a book which is an autobiography of Dennis Jernigan.  He is a song writer and worship leader from Oklahoma.  He is a man who is about 10 years younger than me.  His journey is told well in finding freedom from homosexuality.  His book is titled:  Sing Over Me.  Several things amazed me as I read the book.  First, he had no counseling except through some friends God put in his path and there was no recovery group to assist.  All this was done through God’s divine intervention and Dennis’ commitment.  I don’t want to discredit the recovery work we are doing, but it was a good reminder that this work is not the only means of God’s working.

One of the other things that was made clear to me from reading the book (an unexpected discovery) is the differences we have in addressing the topic of homosexuality and its origin within man.  I’m not firm on anything I write here.  All I know is that I am firm in believing that anyone who acts on homosexual temptations sins.  The temptation is not a sin, it ranks right up there with any other temptation man struggles with.  If we act on it then it is sin, and if we give it over to Christ, we win by not sinning.  Satan doesn’t care how he gets us to sin, he just wants to grip us tightly in it with the bondage acting on sin gives us.

The last thing I was hit with from reading this book is that I COULD read it without needing to lay it down many times due to all kinds of triggers.  Homosexuality has always been aligned with abuse for me so anytime I would read something about it I would fight to not picture the person as an abuser.  I understand Satan is the biggest abuser, but from the human standpoint, this struggle is just that–a struggle.  The fact I could read the book and do so from a learning perspective without needing to take a walk every little bit is amazing.  God is truly healing me and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL.  The wounds of my past are becoming the stories I use as I can help those God puts in my path.  How grateful I am!

The day of working with the school district yesterday ended with much success.  My concern about attitudes and the talk to address the day was well received.  By noon time we were already well ahead of where we thought we’d be and by 3:30 pm we had done all we had gone to do and much more.  I could hardly believe we were working at the same place with the same people where we’d been a month ago.

This morning’s devotional time was very much focused on the work we are to do.  No matter who gives the assignment, if we have accepted it, we are to do it as unto the Lord.  I pondered this a while.  Even though I’ve spent all of my working years in the arena of education, I’ve also spent a considerable amount of time volunteering with “church work” or now–recovery work plus a few additions such as choir, quartet, etc.  I appreciate work done well but I’d lost sight of the truth that all we do we are to do unto the Lord.  I don’t want to any longer do anything less than this.  This includes what I do for my marriage, my time with my kids and grandkids.  It isn’t enough that I show up.  If all I do is be there my attention is more about satisfying me rather than my Father.

God is never done completing us into His Image for us.  I’m amazed how graciously He does this too.  One bite at a time and then He gives us opportunity to digest the bite and put it into our daily routine.  I’m sure this one will take some time for I have my selfish moments such as my gardening time.  Yet, as I write this I awaken to the fact that I do find much pleasure in gardening, but I also want it done well so the beauty of it shows forth.  Lets honor God today throughout the day and remember what the Serenity Prayer tells us–“One day at a time, one moment at a time….”

My word, spring is rolling right along.  It’s the last day of April.  After church yesterday, where the choir number went well, I left for eastern Idaho.  Today, I’m headed to a district here I worked with a month ago.  They had so many issues to address I was asked to come back and give a day of technical assistance.  There is another person who lives here also helping.  When we were here a month ago we were met with an attitude by a couple of the administrators which I wanted to strangle right then and there.  However, I kept my helping hat on and finished.  Now that we are back I want to address this attitude from the get-go.  I asked God about it this am and it was insightful what He said.  It was like this, “If you make it about you, they will continue to think they only have to do this while you are here.  If you make it about my creations, kids, then they will see the value of the message.”  I would only want to do this, but when there is human emotion driving the statements its easy to turn the message right back to me.  So, I’ve surrendered this to God and I will go into the day starting it with a message as to why we are here that honors the very One who created us all.

God is such a good God.  I’m continuously amazed He wants to spend time with me–us.  Yet He does.  He says He created us for this purpose.  I am humbled and honored by this and only want to honor Him in return.  To God be all the Glory!

I have been singing since I was 14 years old so that makes it close to 54 years.  To be nervous before an engagement is one thing, but being fearful is another.  I’ve not put any thought into this until very recently.  Today I’m singing a solo with our church choir in the background.  Almost without exception, when I sing I do so with music in hand.  It is an assurance thing–I don’t often need to look at it but if I do, it is there.  Our worship pastor doesn’t allow music to be used when in front.  She wants everyone fully engaged in the worship and not depending on paper and a music stand.  I understand that conceptually, but when it comes to a morning like today–my fears are screaming.  I took it to God this morning because it feels so different than simply being nervous.  Being nervous is largely tied to excitement where fear is largely tied to failure–He pointed out.  Boy, is He right!  Man takes away all my crutches and replaces them with faith in the director, the sound people, God and me.  When I finally put all of this together while journaling this morning I realize the truth of this matter.  I was able to surrender to God my total reliance on this team.  It doesn’t make me less nervous, but it does much with the fear that cripples all my thinking.

The song we are singing is not new.  It is titled, “In Christ Alone”.  I’m going to say a little piece as we start connecting the message of it to my own recovery journey.  That part I’m nervous about, the technical part of the song is what I fear because the timing changes in each verse/chorus and I’ve never done well with timing unless I have the music in front of me to guide me.  This is where I fear failure and I’ve had enough criticism in my childhood to last a lifetime in this category.  Well, in just 3 hours the test will be done.  I’m going to remove the word test and replace it with assignment.  Either way, I’m going to leave Christ in control for He is the One who has redeemed me and called me His Own.  Amen and Amen.

In my morning devotions I read that Christ is the door to all of God’s activity regarding the salvation of man.  I don’t think that is much of a surprise when the scripture clearly states that:  “…no man comes unto the Father except through me.”  John 14:6.  What was more revealing to me was the fact that all doors God’s Holy Spirit is nudging us to step through are doors of Christ.  When we feel a nudge that is not seemingly connected to leading someone to Christ it seems less necessary.  However, God was speaking clearly to me this morning that when He nudges I am to obey.  The fact that what I’m stepping into is in His hands and He is wanting me to be a part which will have a connection to Him whether I can see it or not.

Secondly, yesterday the Lewis brothers and spouses got together as we do about monthly.  I became the brunt of some sarcasm and jokes.  I must have reacted someway to a statement because one brother said I needed to be more secure in being a man.  (I didn’t disagree with that).  Later, another brother said I was just plain fun to tease.  This morning I asked God to help me know if security in being a man was part of being secure that I’m a new creation in Him?  He said two words, “It will.”  He went onto say that I had never connected the dots to being a new creation and also being a man secure in himself because I am on purpose.  The hold that my abusive past has had on me is lessening as these realities come true.  What I thought for a minute was a thoughtless statement by my brother turned into a healthy lesson.

Today I’m going into the mountains with men from our church as a get-together with the men.  I’m taking one of my older grandsons with me.  This isn’t something I’d typically enjoy doing for a day, but it seems to be one of those doors I’m to enter.  It will be a good time to see how God uses this time.

This morning I was reading in Exodus.  Moses has just needed to go back up the mountain with two hewed stone plates so God would rewrite the commandments for the children of Israel.  Moses and God have been conversing about the stubbornness of the Israelites–stiff-necked people God called them.  In all of this Moses tells God how he struggles as a man to lead these people.  God then assures him He is with him and will lead them.  He goes so far as to assure Moses of His presence by allowing Moses to see Him and experience His presence first hand.  (Read Exodus chapters 32-36)

I have begun to learn that these precious relationships with God are not just for exceptional Bible characters such as Moses.  God yearns to have these with each of us today.   A few years back when I was deep into therapy I had a session where I was desperately needing God’s help with the topic I was addressing–SHAME.  In each session I would need to place the weight of the topic being addressed into a container where it would never be allowed to bother me again.  In this case, I couldn’t budge the weight of it.  In fact, I was paralyzed by the weight of it.  My counselor asked me to ask God for an angel’s help.  I did this but nothing happened.  I told the counselor I had asked for God’s help with this before and nothing happened then either.  She told me directly to not believe this lie.  Ask again.  When I did there were two presence about me.  They lifted all the shame from me and I was free.  I knew it was God and Jesus but I couldn’t explain that except I just knew it.  My counselor asked me to thank them for coming and helping out.  I did and broke down as I was overcome with gratefulness.

Years later I realize that this was one of those moments where God not only revealed Himself to me but He was also indicating His desire for a closer relationship I could trust and rely on.  Today I know that people like you and me can have a Moses type relationship with God.  He doesn’t withhold Himself from those who seek Him and work to build a relationship with Him.  I’d encourage everyone to do this.  We don’t need to let our hardships be the drivers behind the relationship, but even if they are (as mine were) it won’t matter.  God seeks us and we in turn can seek Him.

PS–This is late getting out–as I was writing it earlier I got a phone call with one of my kids needing their car jumped so they could get their kids to school and get to work.  Thus, I’m tardy just like my grandkids were!