Today is the second Tuesday of our 6 devoted to training the ones God is nudging to consider leadership in the sexual brokenness ministries.  I didn’t get all tangled in the sheet and blankets last night as I did a week ago last night.  But I had a repeated, haunting dream that didn’t stop until I finally got up.  In the dream were people I know who were lost in the anguish of their loved ones who had either died or were deathly ill.  My role in the dream was just one of providing comfort to those mourning.  I asked God this morning to help me know the significance of this.  He only response was to pay attention to the details in the dream.  The details I could vividly recall were the people, the reasons the ones were ill or for their death and the amount of loss and helplessness people were experiencing.  I don’t want to get lost in this analysis but I do want to stay focused on the fact that this ministry is all about hurt, loss, fear, bondage, helplessness and more.  God wants me awake to these details and that my role is not to take charge but to keep focused on the One and Only One Who Heals the broken-hearted.

Yesterday I wrote more about God’s Grace/Peace and its impact on how we live.  As I began to accept God’s Grace as being in control of all and being present in all things, I began to address all that I had on my mental list for the day.  By early afternoon almost all of them were addressed and done.  No conflict, only clarity and focus.  I had been trying to find peace in them and it was there waiting for me.  I just needed to complete my tasks.  Several of the things still have action that needs to be taken, but there is now an agreed plan for taking them.  I’ve known this but it seems in the midst of a struggle it is hard to recall what we have known in our head and put it to work in our daily living.  Satan’s deception can rule so easily if we don’t recognize it.

God’s Grace is called unmerited favor.  I love this.  It reminds me to not even go into trying to earn it.  It is a gift by the very fact it is God’s very essence/His nature.  Peace is the natural consequence of me allowing God’s leadership and my obedience to it at the time He nudges.  Yesterday was a big day reflecting this truth.  I want to learn to live this way 24/7.  This journey is far from done.

Yesterday I was struck with Paul’s writing to Titus and pointing out grace and peace.  Here Paul is in prison in Rome and had been for some time.  This morning as I begin to read Philemon, I read Paul once again greeting him with the same words:  grace and peace.  By now Paul is calling himself old as he does in verse 9.  I say that I am “old and special” almost every time someone asks me the question in greeting, “How are you?”  I do that because I don’t want to tell people I’m anxious or concerned, or ….  Paul is saying he is old but he is also saying he has peace due to God’s grace even though He is in prison.  He also goes on to tell Philemon to prepare a guest room for him as he prays he will have the chance to leave prison  and visit him.

I read yesterday and today’s passages and am convicted that God is wanting to grow me in His gifts of grace and peace.  The fact that I awake quite anxious many mornings does not need to reflect how I live out each day.  God knows my heart and if it is an anxious one I will likely question much of what He asks me to do.  A heart at peace is far more apt to act on God’s nudge at the time He gives it.  So, this morning I asked God to teach me how to live in grace.  I found myself needing to thank God for what He is doing that I don’t know about in the cases that make me anxious.  I also thanked Him for the outcome that I don’t know, but I trust the outcome to be God’s rather than mine.

I learned well as a child what anxiety is and I also learned to cover it well with an exterior that would hide it.  Now I’m learning that God wants me free from anxiety’s bondage.  It does freeze me from addressing God’s nudges at times.  Yesterday I said I’d need to address grace and peace some more.  This is today’s assignment and one I know God is nudging me to accept.  I do so with a glad heart that senses God’s peace.

As I started to read the book of Titus this morning the first thing that hit me is the word Grace, Titus 1:4.  It said we don’t have peace if we don’t accept God’s Grace.  I thought I needed to investigate this 5 letter word a little more.  The dictionary definition is something like walking with fluidity and poise.  I thought to myself, wow, look what man does to a Godly term–reduces it to how my walk looks to man.  The biblical definition said that Grace is the very essence of God’s nature.  It is all-consuming and yet it is also very finite in that each of God’s natures is also acted out in Grace.  Awakening to this fullness caused me to realize the anxiety I so often feel is an absence of me dwelling on God’s Grace so that I can know His Peace within me.  The word Trust comes to mind in this.  I am to trust God’s leadership in my life and in the world around me.  If I do this I will have Peace because I know God does all things through Grace since it is His very nature.

This walk through Grace this morning also gave me insight regarding what I use to think about my importance to God.  The fact that God never breaks His promises to man is evident in the fact that giving man choice can be and is extremely hurtful when man uses choice to abuse.  This left me thinking I’m not important.  However, God provided Hope for me during this time just as I wrote about a few days ago.  Hope was His Grace being shown when I was so vulnerable to man’s choices.  Now that those days are long behind me I can Trust God’s Grace to be more than a way of escape.  I don’t need to live in the lies of my past nor in the lies of deception Satan wants to throw in my mind or path.

God is truly a faithful, full of Grace, Father.  If we will listen and continue to obey Him as He nudges, His Light will continue to penetrate darkness we didn’t even know existed within us and around us.  I think this is more about living as a new creation knowing the old self is dead.  God is growing us into the likeness of His Son just as He promised.  It is humbling to write this but I’m learning this is true for each of us which includes me.  Praise God.

This morning’s entry was about to be skipped until I just finished a phone call that left me knowing I must go ahead and do it.  Kathy is gone to a women’s retreat sponsored by our church.  I started reading a book this early morning recommended to me by one of our guys in Celebrate Recovery who is going to a different recovery group along with our CR.  He thought it might help strengthen our efforts with folks trying to stay sober.  The book’s title is:  STAYING SOBER.  As I began to read the section specific to creating a plan for sobriety I began to know why the book is being suggested.  It takes what a step study we do in CR does and adds the addition of ending a study with a written plan to maintain sobriety.  This structured approach I believe will help many–including me.

I called a couple of our guys and talked at length about this and they believe as I do that  it will help.  As I was talking to my own accountability person he and I stepped into a lengthy conversation about deepening our own connection with one another.  Accountability doesn’t need to daily take a lot of time, but it does need for us to routinely take enough time to either tell what “I’m fine” truly means or what “I’m struggling” truly means.  All of us intend to do this with our accountability but it is a rare team who is able to do this with full, honest transparency.

What was really hitting me last night and this morning is my need to look in control even if I’m feeling out of control.  I know this relates back to all the out of control abuse I received from dad and my brother.  I just hadn’t seen this clearly until I was talking with my accountability friend this morning.  I’m going to also spend time with God to see where He is in all of this and what He wants me to do about it.  I trust Him to use this awakening to grow my relationship with Him and with others.  He’s the One and Only True God and I will trust in Him and Him alone.

I know it sounds silly, but I love typing March above as the date.  The days of winter are growing slim and the days of spring are about to come upon us—Greenhouse, here I come!

What I wrote about yesterday was a start to a major hurdle God is wanting me to jump.  I was looking yesterday for the schedule of testimonies and lessons for our current Celebrate Recovery year.  I knew I was doing something in March but wanted to find out what and when.  I couldn’t find the schedule so I called the leader who originates this to find I’m teaching CONFESS next Wed. and the following Wed. I am giving my testimony.  No wonder God was nudging me to look.  When I give my testimony I always take time to update it with what God has been currently doing in my life.  I was pondering yesterday how to word all of the “stuff” God has been doing into a concise few paragraphs.  This morning, God showed me.

I wrote a couple days ago about Monday night’s struggle I had faced most of the night prior to starting our new leadership training for the recovery classes.  This has been troubling me all week because I wasn’t able to find God in the struggle as I’ve been attempting to do as these moments hit.  Even though I wrote what I did yesterday, I still couldn’t find the Strength of God.  I felt alone in this.  In my bible reading this morning I read II Timothy 2 where Paul outlines many areas for Timothy to be ready to face as he matures in his walk with God.  One of these statements from Paul was verse 22:  “Shun youthful lusts and flee from them, and aim at and pursue righteousness.”  I’ve always been ashamed when I would turn to self-gratification as I was tormented with Satan’s attacks about my worthiness, my identity, my value to God or man.  So this morning I asked Jesus to help me understand His place in all of this.  He was able to withstand all temptation so what am I missing here?  His response was, “Earnie, I’m right here helping you see the truth as in this morning.  See how Satan uses the inner strife to cause you to only see the loss of me and hate My Father and Me?  He’s had you believing I (We) don’t love you like we do others when We loved you so much We knew our Hope would bring you to this point of today where these recovery ministries will be led by our beloved son and brother adopted into our Kingdom.  You are redeemed.  Earnie, this is you–the new creation who is no longer hiding but facing the hiding with determination to not let it own you or try to make you believe you’re safe in the cave of sin.  You don’t have to believe those lies anymore.  You are redeemed and a new creation.”  I cried.

Well, this was a moment of great Light being shed for me.  I’m not earning something with this work as I always tried so hard to do in times past.  I am obeying God who has asked me to join His Team.  I am redeemed by the very blood of the Lamb which cleansed all others and me.  I’m a new creation now completing my role in this earthly life God has given me.  Praise God!

I know that today being March 1means that spring is coming in only 3 weeks.  However, since that is true, I’ve always in my mind declared March 1 as the first day of Spring.  I’m forever eager to have winter end so I can be back into gardening.  Even though it snowed last night, I can see all the signs of spring in my mind!  It is a good picture of what HOPE is like—We can see what the environment around us would tell differently.

Last night at Celebrate Recovery I heard a testimony of a man whose abuse and early life was much more harsh than my own.  Once he got far enough into the testimony to talk about finding God I could easily relate.  For no matter how bad the abuse of life, God can be found in it with us.  The man talked about the hope he had in spite of what was happening in life.  He learned to protect others when he couldn’t protect himself.  He dealt with much fear when it came to protecting himself.  This testimony was something God was wanting me to hear and listen to Him reflectively as similar steps were taken by God to help this man as God is helping me.  Addressing fear has always been something that could paralyze me–sometimes for days.  People around me wouldn’t know this by my exterior unless they got too close to the guts of me.

In II Timothy 1, Paul is telling Timothy to not let fear get in the way of his work with others.  I’ve always seen fear as something to have removed so I could do God’s work.  Only of late have I begun to learn that fear is a natural part of life and we are to move forward with what God wants done in spite of fear.  This is called obedience and sometimes it is called courage.  I’ve always been gripped by what fear led to as a child–beatings, verbal abuse and then sexual abuse continuing.  This morning I asked Christ to make it clear for me how He fit into all of this.  He told me because He is eternal He was very much present when the times of abuse took place but He was also present with my future knowing where I am today and how all this past would be used to His glory today.  He could see what I certainly could not.  At the time of abuse He gave me HOPE just as He did for the man in the testimony.  It was then I could see how the testimony of last night resonated with me.  When I heard the speaker say he felt hope, I knew exactly what he meant for God had done the same for me.  As a high schooler I knew the days of being at home would come to an end and I had hope of never experiencing dad or my brother’s abuse anymore.  Well there is more I could say here but the important part for me today has been finding God/Christ/Holy Spirit in some more moments of my past and present—Especially finding them connected to fear.  It is not a sin for me to know fear.  It is a sin if I allow fear any longer to stop me from completing what I know God wants me to do for His Kingdom Work.

The victory is remarkable!  Last night was a beginning of some work only God can see and do.  We had 11 people come to the first night of training.  It was rather quiet with everyone polite and willing to share guardedly the beginning of their own story/interest in participating in the training.  God is at work and it is obvious the ones He is nudging aren’t yet sure how their part will look.  I can see in my head my own version of what next Fall’s groups will look like, how people will be responding to lessons and talking through their own struggles as each lesson helps them tackle the layers of struggle.  I can see the victorious faces as bondages are released.  I know enough to not try and create my mind’s work, but to only let my mind be what God adjusts as we take all the needed steps to actualize this recovery ministry’s implementation.  I do know from last night that there is very passionate interest.  I am so humbly pleased to be part of this.

Tonight I meet with our Celebrate Recovery Ministry Leader who is replacing my spot so the transition can now happen.  The one remaining on the co-leader team will also be there so we can talk through what the new team’s operational responsibilities will look like as they start working together to maintain this tremendous work and grow it as God is leading.  I will stay connected but will back away from the dad to day administrative side of it.

God is nudging me to strengthen my team.  I Timothy 6:12 has a line in it that says “Fight the good fight of the faith.”  Joyce Meyer’s translation of this is that the battlefield of our minds is Satan’s playground and we never win these battles unless we have a spiritual means of gathering in the troops.  This is done through confessing the battle when you sense it starting.  This looks like having thoughts of doubt, temptations, worry, anxiety, etc.  This is exactly what I experienced Monday night in my hotel room.  Did  I reach out?  No, I told you about it yesterday after the fact.  I tell you today I want to be a different man the next time it hits like that.  I will define my battle plan and who my warriors are.  I will then act on it.  Pride sure does get in the way of this.  I so want to outgrow this need but God continues to reinforce the truth that this is not my battle to fight–it is His and only when I surrender will I be strong.  I know all this truth but acting on it is always tougher.  I’m so thankful God is a patient God.  So, here we go.

Today is a day I’ve looked forward to with much anticipation for a couple months.  I’ve dreaded this day and looked forward to it both.  Today we begin the training for leading people out of their sexual darkness, bondage, closets, sins done to them and by them.  In order to do this we’ve had to face our own and in so doing, God has replaced the bondage with a passion to help others find their own freedom.  I’ve known all along that Satan is not a fan of losing bondage–he is the author of it.  So, I am wide awake this morning knowing he is active.  Last night I fought him over and over.  Some of it was in dreams, some of it was in fighting my own memories of abuse, some of it was in temptations and some was in simply wanting to quit all this.   However, this morning I am ready to be part of God’s Army and fight.  God didn’t allow my past or anyone other’s without an intent to glorify Himself by assisting us to find His intimate love and strength to overcome it and help others by sharing and supporting them.

My day is a hectic one.  I’m leaving very soon to work with a district a couple hundred miles from home (I’m already here), finish “early I hope” and head home so I’m on time for tonight’s first training.  I ask for prayers from any reader for those participating tonight.  I know each one will likely have their own story of battle knowing they are displeasing the one who has kept them so long in their own strife.  God is mighty to save but unless we turn to others for prayerful support, we will not know this Might.  Please join me in praying and thank you.

Every once in a while the journey gets disrupted.  This morning my grandson who now works in Boise for a bank could not get his car out of our driveway due to last night’s 3″ of snow.  My 4-wheel drive pickup wouldn’t start so I ended driving him in my car.  We left our house at 6:30 am and by 8:00 we were to Meridian.  Thank goodness the traffic began to move and he made it to work by 8:20–which is only 20 min’s late.  He just started the job a week ago so he didn’t want to look delinquent.  I didn’t blame him.  I’m wired the same way.  So, devotions were disrupted, the blog is being delayed in getting posted, I’m leaving after lunch to drive across the state for work and I need to get the work done this morning for the district I’m meeting with, etc.  These disruptions can cause some angst but in reality, I will just surrender them knowing God is in control.  I did get a good night’s sleep so complications in the morning are more easily handled after sleeping well and the coffee being done!

I spent most of an hour on the phone last evening with a friend who is working diligently on his sobriety.  He and I are learning some common lessons.  I think the most important is just how powerful God is and just how patient He is in waiting for us to recognize He wants to use His power if we will finally let go of our meager attempts to work things out on our own.  I know that all of  us breaking free from bondage have to learn this and many times learn it over and over as the new situations come into our lives.  What I do love about our God is that He is always right there waiting for us to let go of control and allow Him to take it.  My own daughter told me last night talking about her car purchase that she hated hearing from me–“God has the right car in mind. All of our work ahead of Him will only give us heartburn and frustration.”  She said she thanked God for being so good!  Right now I am thanking Him also.

Several weeks ago I was blogging here about God keeping me in one place so I could better learn just what He wanted me to know.  I’ve been sensing this to be true once again.  These past few days have been an emotional roller coaster.  Spending time with my beloved sisters in Calif., coming home to the service of a man I loved, and trying to help my daughter through her tough spot have kept me hugely dependent on God’s leading in my life.  In each of these situations I knew I was to be taking part but I didn’t know ahead of time what the part would be.  I would need to be present and let God do the rest.  Yesterday, my daughter got her car.  Yes, God did just what He always does–provides the one He had planned.  It became available last Thursday night and she was able to drive it home yesterday.  She was very happy and I was praising God.  It was a good lesson once again about leaving the details to God and letting His timing run the course.  This car had the details my daughter hoped to find, much lower miles and much newer than we’d ever hoped to afford.

Kathy left yesterday morning for a funeral and reunion at her home in Wallowa, OR so I had last night to myself.  The Left Behind movies were being played on TV so I literally watched 3 of the 4 during the evening.  They were a good reminder to be faithful, not after the fact, but faithful out of the Bible’s teaching about trusting and obeying what we know regarding Jesus Christ’s example and work on the Cross for each of us.  It would seem so natural for man to see Christ’s work and accept it for them personally.  However, we all know how our own selfishness interferes with this decision.  I pray that the way I live will help others find their own relationship with Christ by accepting Him into their hearts.

In I Timothy chapter 3 it talks entirely about the qualifications of leaders in Christ’s work.  I was reading it this morning and all that Joyce Meyer has to say about this in her life and in her spiritual leadership and growth for herself.  Next Tuesday evening we start the leadership training for the ones God  is nudging to participate for working with those struggling in an area of sexual brokenness.  It was timely to read these characteristics today knowing this is starting in just two days.  God is continuously at work and I want to do my part obeying what He wants me to do rather than doing what I think I need to do and asking God to lead it.