Today is a special day.  We will be in S. Calif. to see my two sisters there arriving around noontime.  Both are widows now which is a real awakening moment that this life here on earth is truly temporary.  I can and do get so caught up in the daily living that I often forget that the daily living has an eternal connection.  Satan would love to keep us caught in the doldrums of the day but there is a HOPE that springs eternal when we lift our eyes to God Himself and see just how much He Loves us and wants us to get to know Him, His Son Jesus and His Holy Spirit.

As I was reading the last two chapters of Philippians this morning I was made aware of something I want to share.  Paul is writing to the people of Philippi in this book.  God awakened in me as I was reading it that 10 years ago we (a small team of 7) were preparing ourselves to start Celebrate Recovery at our church.  One of us was taking the lead as she had already had this preparedness and was now using it to build our own.  During the past 10 years I have learned so well just how much God has wanted me to take all of my past and instead of hiding it, pull it out one chuck at a time, face it, deal with the hurt and damage of it, repair and heal, and then face some more.  We often call this process:  peeling the onion.  God gave me some very special people to assist in this process too.  Now, ten years later, God is using me to help prepare a new group of leaders to address those caught in the destruction of Sexual Brokenness.  Two weeks from today we will start the leadership training for the groups just as we did ten years ago for our Celebrate Recovery.  I would have never dreamed 10 years ago that I would be writing such a detail as this.  Nor would I sense such a freedom and desire to help others know this freedom from living as the new creation God has given each of us through His Son’s work on the Cross.  How grateful I am!

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  The day of LOVE.  Man does a lot to demonstrate what man thinks love is.  But God has shown us the Ultimate Love through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus and by giving us His very own Spirit to live within us if we only accept His Son’s work on the Cross by asking Him into our lives (hearts).

And now—off to California!

Today starts with snow on the ground.  A year ago that would have been scary in that we’d had so much that another inch or two only added to the foot or more already here.  This morning it is a treat in that we’ve had so little.  Tomorrow Kathy and I fly to S. Calif.  I am looking forward to this getaway.  Not only do I get to see my two sisters, we get to have some warmer weather for a change.  I said a little yesterday about my angst in leaving without having my daughter’s car situation settled, but God has provided peace in that His timing is not now and I can not only see this but thank Him for it.  We sure don’t want to settle on a vehicle He isn’t honoring.

Our step study lesson yesterday on Gratitude was so rewarding.  One of the men said he’d dreaded this lesson.  He has struggled this past year so much with his addiction and has relapsed twice.  Giving gratitude seemed not the thing to do at this point.  Yet, he said after the class ended that the sharing in class and hearing from others that gratitude is something he can have even in the midst of the depth of recovery.  His wife is supporting him, his church is fully behind him, he has a job he loves–yes, he struggles, but everyday he has several men who he checks in with or they are checking in with him.  He said he thought this must be what the first church was like.  Christ was helping others come out of their misbeliefs, see the truth and help one another find their own truth in Christ.  This is what happens all the time in Celebrate Recovery.  In our deepest sorrow and sharing there is never judgment given, only support and love.  I am truly grateful for this too.

I’ve had so much support myself in my own recovery.  I remember a few years back when Kathy and I were driving to S. Calif. and I was going to be sharing my recovery testimony to my sis there.  We had spent the night halfway and it was now the morning of the day when we’d arrive.  I had been driving about 30 minutes.  I was so fearful about what I was about to do that I pulled over on the side of the road and simply bawled.  I asked Kathy why in the world she would love me and be so supportive and why would my sis ever love me once she heard what she was about to hear?  Kathy’s words were so touching.  She didn’t see the person I saw in me.  My sis didn’t either.  Now 5 years later, God is helping me see the new creation He has made in me.  I am a servant to man through Christ Jesus telling of a Gift that has been so kindly and lovingly given to me.  This gift is that of Christ Jesus Himself and that of The Holy Spirit.  I want people to know This Gift is also equally available for them.  To God be all Glory!

Today is mom’s birthday.  If she were with us she would be 108 years old.  Well, in many ways she is with me.  I carry the treasure of her smile, her quiet strength deeply within me.  So much of my life I wanted to have that quiet strength of mom entering into the chaos.  Yet, now so many years later, I have let that go and relish in simply loving the wonderful memories of a mom who never quit nor gave up on life itself.  God has used her and her example to help so many of us kids and those who knew her.

When I first was ready to journal this morning I was nudged to not do so until I’d finished the step study lesson we will likely get into later this morning as our class finishes the relapse lesson.  I went ahead and opened my book and saw that the next lesson was Gratitude.  As I read it and completed the questions I knew exactly why God wanted me to pause and do it.  I am driven to have things tidied up when I’m stepping away for a while.  Next Tuesday Kathy and I leave for a week to visit my two sisters in S. Calif.  I haven’t been able to get my daughter’s car squared away for her and this has loomed over my head.  It eats at my inner peace.  So, in doing the gratitude lesson God needed to reawaken me to His timing.  It wasn’t very long ago that He was talking to me about this and this morning He needed to do so again.  My timing is driving me nuts!  He wants me back on His timing.  I know He is working as I’ve seen so much evidence.  I let it go again this morning and thanked Him for all He is doing, has done and will do.  I can go next week knowing He is right here taking care of details I can address when we return.

So, what am I most grateful for at this moment?—A God who has made me an heir of Him and His Kingdom.  In spite of all my humanness–He loves me.  I truly love Him too!

I’m having a difficult time getting started writing this blog today.  Almost always I know exactly what I want here or what I think God is wanting me to put here.  Today, there is much to say, but I’m struggling for words.

Yesterday, my daughter and I were able to talk through some important items.  First, we are not selecting a car while we power struggle.  She didn’t see this as a power struggle and I sure didn’t want to helping as though it were one.  We agreed to be praying for God’s leadership.  We also were able to talk through what was important in the car of her choice separating needs from wants.  This was a good step.  I spent the rest of the day in collaboration with the small team of people who do the same work I do with schools.  We are prepping for the actual work of the coming school year which will be to work with the bottom 5% of performing schools in Idaho.  It is quite different from working with the pilot ones I’m presently with.  I do know the issues I’ll face with them, but I don’t want to take on this work if it’s not in God’s plan for me.  I know one of the biggest problems low performing schools face is consistent leadership whether in the classroom or for the school/district itself.  They have constant turnover for various reasons.  I don’t want to add to their problems by quitting mid-stream if I’m to work with them–it’s a three year assignment.  I haven’t heard God’s answer to this but He is giving me hints.

Today’s scripture reading was in Ephesians 5 & 6.  It is in 6:10-18 where Paul outlines putting on the armor of God as we face each day.  In years past I’ve picture putting this armor on each morning as I’d finish my devotional time.  I wouldn’t get very far into the day when I’d beg God to empower me with this armor only to find it not working well.  Today, as I read these verses again I was doing so as a spirit-filled man.  I asked God to give me clarity for them.  As I began to pray from my prayer list I read what I have at the top–New Creation.  I have it written there so I’d remember each morning that I am a new creation thanks to Christ and His Holy Spirit within me.  However, my awakening this morning was that this Armor of God is going on this new creation.  I’ve always attempted to put the armor on the old me which is dead in God’s eyes.  He’s made me new!  Today, I’m going into this day wearing the Armor of God as the new creation He made me to be.  Praise be to God our Father!

How much I hate being human.  The depth of all its grip on us (me) is overwhelming.  I just don’t see my humanness until after the fact way too often.  God has certainly been teaching me of late about my humanness and that impact on my family members.  Late yesterday afternoon I went to check on another vehicle with my daughter.  It turned out to be another incident much like all the others.  There was one vehicle which my grandson and I thought was an excellent choice but it just didn’t come close to fitting the wants of the driver.  I walked away knowing this was not my battle.  My grandson and I enjoyed the evening together letting go of the vehicle issue for a while.

This morning I am reminded once more of the Almighty Power of God.  However, it is not obtainable unless each one is wanting God to be in control.  Our part is so often to get our thinking aligned with His instead of trying to align God’s thinking with ours.  I’m reading in Ephesians now.  The 4 chapter is quite different than the 5th chapter of Galatians which told me all about the fruits of the Spirit.  Today’s chapter is telling me about the evil of human thinking and actions if The Holy Spirit is not in control.  I can only live in The Holy Spirit if I surrender my flesh and selfishness.  The other thing hitting me is that I can only surrender for myself. Each of us has to surrender for ourselves.  We cannot surrender for one another.  The one thing I do know is that God is Almighty and He will be God when all of this is over.  I continue to stand amazed in His Presence!

You know how I said yesterday that when I know I’m being nudged to do something by the Holy Spirit, I jump from starting it in love to determining what the end result is to look like–my self-control?  Well, I did exactly that yesterday.  Of course I do this of my own flesh without any recognition of such.  My working with my youngest daughter to find her a replacement car ended fruitless again yesterday.  I realize that Kathy and I are leaving next Tuesday for a week to visit my sis’s in S. California.  I have in my mind this must be done before we go.  So, last night I awoke about 2;15 am extremely anxious because this isn’t coming together as “I planned”.  I knew to surrender this thinking but that surrender would last about 2 seconds before the anxiety owned me again.  My mind was whirling.

This morning while wrestling with God and Team (Jesus and Holy Spirit) regarding all of this, I was informed that I have a lesson here that is much bigger than buying a car. I won’t go into all the details of this but they connect to cutting apron strings.  We parents can get overly controlling while trying to help in so many situations with our kids.  God was showing me the details of this and said I need to do my role as family leader in helping start the process.  When this clarity came out into the open through journaling this morning, the anxiety left.  Now I can see clearly what I need to do so that buying a car doesn’t simply create new bondage.  We can help, but we don’t want to control.

Not so long ago all of this would have led me right into isolation where I was always very vulnerable to Satan’s attacks.  Today, I’m much more ready to face this with God’s Holy Spirit within.  I know to start with Love and to continue with Self-Control.  I’m not sure when the right vehicle will be found but I’m leaving this detail in God’s hands.  I’ll do what I know to do and we will go from there.  Thank you Father!

I just reread yesterday’s blog entry.  Good grief, I knew I was in a hurry to finish it, but I thought I’d proofed my writing better than I had.  Sorry for the writing/grammar errors.

I mentioned yesterday about how the Holy Spirit is awakening itself so much more to me.  Actually, I’m becoming so much more aware of my human flesh and how it separates from spiritual self.  Paul writes about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5.  They start with love and end with self-control.  In between are joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness and faithfulness.  I use to think that I was exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit when I was being kind or something along this line.  However, I’m learning now that if my efforts don’t start with love and exhibit these other characteristics while ending in self-control, I am operating in the flesh and driven by selfish desire rather than spiritual insight.  In fact, Joyce Meyer says the fruit of the Spirit start and end with love and self-control because they are the starting and ending pieces of the Spirit’s work.  If I am nudged to do something I know is right I immediately have a notion of what it will look like when it is done (this is usually in my flesh).  So, I have always approached working with someone with the end result in mind.  However, I’m learning that I must keep the self-control in front of me.  Getting something started may only be planting the seed to start.  I then need to back away so The Holy Spirit can work with the outcome He wants, not what I had thought it should be.

Recently one of our Celebrate Recovery guys wanted to improve (in his mind) our sound system.  He went to a couple people in the church’s leadership to tell them of what he’d like to have done.  However, in so doing, he didn’t get the answer he wanted and so he began to criticize and it ended poorly.  He called me and was quite upset.  His intent was good but no self-control was used.  It was good to plant the seed but to expect to harvest the crop all in the same conversation wasn’t happening.  He and I will talk more about this tonight when I see him.  He was so upset with himself he wanted to quit CR.  I reminded him to stay the course.  We are all learning on this road to recovery.  God’s insight for me this morning was good for me to know and timely for me to share.  Now, I need to do this sharing with the same love and self-control.

There is an aspect of The Holy Spirit I’m beginning to awaken to which is coming out of reading Galatians.  I’m wondering if the pastors I’ve had over the years were reading what I’m going to write, would question if I ever paid attention to any of their sermons.  I’ve known for years that Corinthians contains the Love chapter:  I Corinthians 13.  I always felt like that is what I’m to read when I need to be nicer to people and particularly to Kathy and my kids, grandkids.  Yes, it applies to friends too but being nice to most of them isn’t much of a struggle.  I do not mean to be trite as I write any of this.

Today in finishing up the book of Galatians, which is all about living the spirit-filled life, (the fruit of the Spirit) that I connect these two writings of Paul.  Paul is writing to the Corinthians telling them to live out of love with everyone around them.  Now Paul is telling the Galatians that in order to live life lovingly, we must do so with God’s Holy Spirit leading from within us.  Our flesh will turn every good intent back to us if we attempt to live life lovingly by flesh.  Now that I’m awakening so much more to The Holy Spirit’s presence within me, I can see the way I live by flesh and need to replace my actions with ones tempered by The Holy Spirit’s nudges.  Let me give an example.  Yesterday while I was with my daughter looking at a couple vehicles, all was ending well and Angie was going to do some checking on some items needing investigated from her insurance co., etc.  We were going to pick back up today when she and I are done with our work.  Later in the day she had been gone back to the dealership and had become greatly distressed.  Instead of addressing her distress in my flesh as I would typically do, I felt nudged to simply ask her to let this go for now.  We would tackle it when we weren’t wanting to attack someone.  The Holy Spirit had other work to do right now and our work wasn’t aligning with The Spirit’s work.  I also reminded her that when God shows us the right vehicle she will know the confirmation.

God is wanting me to learn to live by His Holy Spirit’s leading in my life and I am wanting to do so too.

Yes, the journey continues.  Yesterday I journaled about the 3 things I had been struggling to work through.  God had told me about my timing vs His circumstances and how He makes our timing fit into His eternal planning once circumstances are right.  I need to be patient and trust Him rather than fear outcomes that have not even occurred.  The one situation had been addressed by Saturday night.  The second one was dealt with yesterday and the third one I thought at first was being dealt with yesterday.  Then, things skidded to a halt and ended.  During the night last night I awoke several times very troubled.  I kept surrendering circumstances knowing the work to be done was God’s and not mine.  Trust is such a hard thing at these points for me.

This morning I was in the midst of journaling.  I had just written the question asking God and His Team what they wanted me to know from them this morning?  I had written as their first response, “Be still and know that I Am God.”  I was starting to write more when I could hear my cell phone ringing in the family room.  It was the one I had the troubles with last night.  In answering it and listening it seems God had been working all along.  Now that doesn’t surprise me really, but it just makes me tingle and smile.  God is so amazingly timely.  I’m being vague in details here because the people involved are closely connected to me.  They would see themselves if they read this.  I want them and all readers to know that God is to be trusted always and is so lovingly supportive of us.  Our fears so quickly set in when circumstances don’t come together as we wish.  Now that I can clearly see that my fears are the stark opposite of trust, I never want to act on them again.  I want to wait upon God so I can see what is behind the fear, address it, and return to trust.  Learning to trust, replacing fear with it, is my ultimate goal.

I have read the New Testament through so many times in my life that I’m not even sure–as though it matters.  When I was younger I did keep track thinking somehow I would have learned enough about God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit to warrant my redemption and living in heaven for eternity.  I didn’t really mean to be doing this to look like the Pharisees in the Old Testament, but that is exactly what I was doing.  Now that I am learning to depend on Spirit living I am seeing just how much of my life was lived by rules rather than by surrender and faith.

When this weekend started I had three things troubling me.  They were all connected to family members.  Yesterday morning I felt nudged to address the one and it is now resolved–not in a flesh way, but with God’s insights and everyone feeling God’s freedom.  This morning in my devotional time I was shown that today is the day to address another one of them.  I will do this at the right time today.  The third one will be done when the nudge and clarity comes.  As I was journaling about these three this morning God was bringing some insights forth.  First, I have always thought timing was measured by our earthly time.  God’s timing is always when circumstances are right with those involved.  These two would often clash when I used earthly time to determine readiness.  I didn’t give credible attention to the fact that earthly time is also in God’s Hands.  When circumstances are right, God ensures timing is also right.  This is a huge step in faith living for me.

The other thing God brought clarity to this morning was when I wrote in my journal,
“I surrender so You can take charge.”  As soon as I had that written I felt nudged to correct my thinking for God doesn’t remove our ability to have choice.  I then rewrote the sentence to read: “When I am fully surrendered to You, You have fullness of opportunity to complete Your purposes and ways using me.  This is what I want and choose.”  Spirit living is a big step into FAITH.  I want to stay here the rest of my earthly life.  Join me if you are sensing the same nudge.