When there are a multitude of unanswered questions in my mind I want to go to what I know I can do and lose myself there.  However, when I have done this in my past I’m running away from the unanswered questions and the agony they cause within me.  This is what I am wanting to do right now with things like:  “How do I help my sis?”, “How do I promote this new recovery ministry so our church people embrace anyone who steps into these classes–especially the ones about homosexuality?”, “How do I prepare to be the leader in this God is wanting me to be?”.  As I was having my devotional reading, Bible reading, this morning God was showing me all the unknowns He was having Joshua (now leader of the Israelites after Moses death) face.  Joshua didn’t have answers to all his concerns, but He had faith in God Himself.  God told Joshua to be strong and courageous and to take the steps He would give him at the time he was to take them.  So, this time I’m not going to run and hide in work I can do.  I will do the work but I will also keep myself awake to what I don’t know to do attempting to listen and hear when God says it is time to move.

The fear of taking steps into the unknown was paralyzing for me for all of my life until these past few ones.  Even though I sense fear I do not ever want it to be what stops me.  Today I will do what God asks me to do and rejoice in the truth that God is my Guide and His Son Jesus is my Lord and Master.  His Holy Spirit Who lives within me will nudge me each time I’m to respond to Him.  I love Him for all of this.

I wrote yesterday’s blog and have finished rereading it.  It is amazing to me how God shows us something and then life’s daily activity brings it to reality and I don’t even catch the fact God has already prepped me for it.  I did some gardening earlier in the morning and then called my sis in Calif.  She was to have some news about her heart given to her by the heart specialist and I was curious what she was told.  There was no blockage which I thought was great news.  However, what I wasn’t expecting to hear was that her heart is permanently damage from all the years of uncontrolled high blood pressure.  She is into heart failure and there is no treatment.  In fact, some of the meds she has been taking are being removed for they stress the heart which is incapable of handling it.  There isn’t a timeframe given to her.  It is just that the heart will give out at some point.

If I could remove all the emotional ties to this news I would be saying that this is all to be expected.  Our human side gives out and our spiritual side lives on forever.  This is what God has been doing with all mankind since sin entered His creation.  This morning I have been asking God what He wants me to know from Him?  He reminded me that life is His to give and to take away.  In this, give glory back to Him.  I’ve pondered just how wonderful life has been being the brother to such a great sis.  She is still with me and I will do my best to take advantage of whatever time God allows on this human side of life.  In it though, I will keep focused on the gift of life, not lamenting on the absence of this gift.  I want to give Glory to God for He is so worthy of our praise!

This spring has been an allergy high.  So many years ago I had sinus surgery after spending 20+ years battling allergy prescriptions, 3 years of allergy shots, tests that made you want to peel your skin right off your bones, etc.  I’ve had so many sinus infections that I’m allergic to penicillin.  After the sinus surgery I felt like a new man.  This spring is the first time I’m noticed some of the old side effects of high allergy season.  I become more easily irritable, I tire faster, and I have a sense of depression/doom.  I write all of this because in the last couple days there have been family issues getting to me and I have this urge to not be nice in dealing with them.

This morning I was lamenting with God about these issues and I asked Him how He, Jesus and The Holy Spirit can stand working with all of mankind?  I only see a minute amount of distress compared to them seeing all there is all the time.  The sun was just shedding its morning light when I was journaling this.  God seemed to ask me to look at the morning sun and reflect on what it does.  He was reminding me that my garden is growing nicely, the flowers are just starting to enter a stage of beauty which will last until late Fall, and more.  He said He could get discouraged about much of the details of life but His sole purpose is to bring mankind to Him.  He said that He wanted my purpose to be the same.  If I continue to only notice the piles of laundry, the strewn toys, the dirty dishes, I will not be the Light of Jesus He wants shown to my kids and grandkids.  He said to be the influence of Light just like the sun is to earth.  In its brilliance life grows.  Without its brilliance life suffers.  Shed Light–My Light.  So, I have my priorities realigned.  Thanks God!

So yesterday I finally found the blog I’d written on the 16th.  It is on another page and how I get that page onto this one is beyond me.  I’m sure it bothered no one but me.  I’m glad to know the lost is found and I’m not as nutty as I was thinking!

Maybe this forthcoming message will sound strange but it was important for me.  As I was beginning my journaling this morning I was nudged to converse with Jesus rather than my Father.  For a couple days I’ve been battling my pride about the need to confess each week my struggle with homosexuality.  My devotional reading this morning talked about taking up our cross just as Jesus did–struggles and all, and be obedient to what God is asking us to do.  Part of the battle for me is that when I say this I bring back many fears of my past–Will I be like my brother and abuse?  I already know this answer but if I don’t face them they become paralyzing moments for me.  I know Jesus wants to heal these within us but He can’t if I don’t face them with Him.  Today I faced them.

Jesus is the Master Healer so I’ve asked Him to heal my mind/memories in these areas still untouched and not faced yet by me.  Total obedience is what I want and He reminded me that His strength comes when I am able to surrender.  Jesus is such a model for each of us.  How much I want to be a reflection of Him and not my pride.

I went to reread yesterday’s post to not being able to find it.  Yesterday was a struggling day knowing I was going to have to introduce myself at Celebrate Recovery as one who struggles with homosexuality for the second time.  This is a pride thing for me and one I’m certainly not proud of and yet I know it is one God wants me using to help others open up themselves.  I know that yesterday when I started the blog I hit the button for “blog page” and then realized I was to hit it for “blog post”.  The page that opened looked just like any other but it obviously is one I cannot find today and it didn’t connect with the others I’ve written.  Oh well, today is here.

Last night I ended up giving the Celebrate Recovery lesson on “Forgiveness”.  It was a comedy of errors actually.  The one who organizes lesson teachers and testimonies was gone.  The person who had signed up for the lesson was also gone and who she had asked to sub for her had forgotten.  This came out 30 minutes ahead of starting.  I live close so I ran home and got my lesson outline since I’ve taught this one before.  As I was literally reading through it on my drive back to church I said out loud to God–“You did this on purpose!”  The lesson was one in which I could address once again my need to forgive myself for being human and having struggles that hurt my pride, but nonetheless, still must be brought into the Light of Christ rather than stuffed into a closet as I had done most of my life.

Today feels like a day of victory getting through all of this yesterday.  I’m headed to a school to wrap up the work with them.  It will be a time of victory too as they are doing well.  God is always good and what He wants us to do is always the right thing to do.  I have needed to relearn this lesson over and over.

Today brings more clarity for me of yesterday’s devotional message.  I had mentioned that Joyce Meyer says we often live in the land of even.  We just get by from one pay check to another and from one event in our lives to another.  There is not much, if any, freedom in this type of living.  What there is however, is a good deal of personal selfishness.  Things like:  “I don’t think I’d want to do that.”, “What would others think if I were to do this?”, “Surely God is not asking me to do this.” and there are so many more questions of this nature.  I’m coming back to this but need to take you on a different course for a moment.

As I was having my devotions this morning two things were prominent in my mind.  One was from Deuteronomy where Moses is telling the Israelites to simply follow God’s Ten Commandments and they will prosper.  Disobedience to them will lead to defeat and a total lack of freedom. Secondly, Blackaby’s, in my devotional I’m reading, talk about surrounding yourself with friends who point you towards God’s Truth when we are straying away from it and may not even know it.

I’ve lived in fear most of my life.  I’ve had people ask me why I never became a superintendent?  I’ve had people ask me why I never ran for a public office, etc.  I even had my dad ask me if I’d consider being a preacher when I was in early high school.  These questions were always instantly fear invoking for me.  The first thought was what would people think if they knew my truth?  I’d be forever banned from society and these positions in life were too public. I would be too often scrutinized and someone would stumble into my past and find out what a failure I am.  I know all of this is a lie today.   Then, I didn’t know and I sure wasn’t going to take any steps to find out otherwise.  Besides, the ones asking me these questions didn’t know my truth or they wouldn’t be asking–I’d think.

Today I don’t know, nor do I want to ponder this past, what would have happened if I’d stepped into a more public role in life.  What is important for me is that I no longer believe the lies.  God has been healing the windows into my soul as I expose all of the lies I believed in the past.  These windows are beliefs I’ve had where Satan could easily enter and paralyze me.  I can now better sort out what are Satan’s lies.

Now back to the beginning of this blog—I lived for a long time in the “land of even”.  I lived for God but I chose what I could and would do according to what I thought was safe and what I thought allowed freedom.  I never want to do this again.  Now I want my friends to help keep me focused on God’s Truths and I want to do this for others also.  In Deuteronomy Moses is telling the Israelites to hold one another accountable to living for God by obeying His Commandments which were to be written on their hearts.  Do not let the people of the land they are entering influence this Truth God has given them.  God’s healing touch for you and me is strengthened by whom we allow to influence us.  I want to keep this always in the forefront of my actions.

Today was to start by going to a middle school I work with.  About 30 minutes into my devotional time I got a text from the principal that there had been a student death last night from her site and today wouldn’t be a productive day for us to try and be together.  I certainly can understand this.  What a sad moment.  I know nothing about the circumstances at this point but I will be praying.  This actually frees me to be able to spend the day getting the work done for the school I am helping where the principal’s husband is dying from cancer.  So much tragedy.  Being a helper in these times without being in the way is the right thing to.

This morning’s devotion is leaving me with much to ponder.  The Israelites are now almost ready to enter their promise land God had told them about 40 years ago.  Yet, it has taken this long due to their continued disobedience.  Joyce Meyer says in an insert that we today so often stay in the “land of even” where we just get by living one day at a time, from one paycheck to the next.  God has a promised land for each of us but we hinder ever getting there out of our own selfishness and fear of following God fully.  I know this way of living for I’ve lived in the fear of following God much of my life.  I would live for Him in what I determined was safe for fear if others knew more, I would be expelled.  I do know better today, but I still find myself battling the mindset of total obedience and living by trust and faith.  I know that the promise land here on earth is only found in this trusting, faithful living.  This is my desire to grow in this with God fully leading each and every day.

Happy Mother’s Day!  As I reflected on this for a moment I was quickly reminded that man focuses us on man’s accomplishments, etc.  However, in God’s eyes, the greatest accomplishments we obtain are focusing others on God Himself by our example to them and the words we speak to them.  This is exactly what my mom did for me.  Of all the people I know, she modeled how to seek God in all things of my life.  I love her for this!

As I was having my devotional reading and my scripture reading it seemed they were once again aligning a tremendous message I was to know and pass along.  In Deuteronomy Moses is telling the Israelites that the journey they were to take from Egypt to the Promised Land was one of days.  However, because of disobedience it had now taken 40 years.  My devotional reading was asking about my obedience and what was I allowing to stand in my way of obeying God?  When reading the two together I realize how many years I wondered in the wilderness of fear and judgment when God wanted me to wander in His freedom from my obedience to Him.

God has provided me tremendous freedom in the past few years from a past of bondage.  However, to find the freedom I had to take huge steps into telling what the bondage was and getting help for it.  These turned out to be big steps but when I took them they were a multitude of baby steps.  It took several years to get to the place of freedom I am now knowing.  I sure encourage any reader to listen to God’s nudges and don’t let the lies of Satan any longer keep you in bondage.  God’s truth of freedom is not for some–it is for all who are willing to begin the journey of taking each baby step He asks you to take.  There is also much support for you once you begin.  Loneliness and fear turn into support as you do this for others are waiting to give their support.

Yesterday was a second day of conference attendance.  Thursday had been the conference day to focus a church on being a safe place for the LBGT to find spiritual support and help when they want to step away from their inner turmoil of temptation.  Yesterday was a day conference regarding the secular work I do in the education world.  It was all about helping the schools/districts who have failed three years in a row in meeting their student learning goals and what our work with them is to look like.  I was realizing this morning that in both cases people are feeling like failures.  God is preparing us to step into their world to give them hope and direction which God has already prepared.  In each case, one can find real freedom if they are committed to making changes in how they live out each day.  One is spiritual guidance and one is secular but God is showing me that He sees all of it as His Spiritual Work.  I am to see it this way too and actually I do.

Last night as I got home from the second day of conference attendance and I was mentally exhausted.  Kathy and I were to go to a party hosted by a couple in our church which would just be playing a game neither of us had played.  It turned out to be so much fun.  We didn’t get home until after midnight and that is at least two hours later than a normal night’s bedtime for me.  Today I feel the effects of it but I also know there is hopefully naptime built into the afternoon.  It was a nice reprieve from the two days and now I can let God show me how and where He is wanting me to begin work from the direction He has provided.

Last night was a good reminder of God’s Grace.  Not so long ago I’d have been nervous the entire night with so many people being present I didn’t know and in very close quarters.  However, Kathy and I simply had an enjoyable evening meeting people and laughing with them.  God is helping me see how my past doesn’t need to be a wall separating me from others, especially men.  I can use it for God as a tool to help others know this freedom I’m finding is also equally available for them.

Somehow in the messiness of life, there come moments of calm.  That is what I most often find when I come to God each morning.  I bring to him all the messiness of the day before, my thoughts about it, my inability to know what to do and He gives me a calm.  This is how I felt this morning after yesterday’s conference.  There were 40+ churches represented there in our valley.  What I wasn’t expecting was the true focus of the conference.  I had been asked to attend by the pastor in our church who oversees all of the recovery ministries.  Being a layman I had my own thoughts regarding what I’d get from attending.  Of course my thoughts were selfish–there it is again.

The entire day was spent focusing attendees from each church around the idea that in order for anyone from the LBGT world to feel welcome in a church, the church needs to have a welcoming, safe sense about them.  People know upon arrival if the likelihood of acceptance is present.  There were 6 people from our church present so it became a time of genuine awakening for all of us.  I was so glad we had 3 attending from our youth program.  I had gone yesterday to glean skills for the work we will be doing this fall.  However, I walked away realizing there is an entire structure of awakening and acceptance that needs to be created in order for our work this coming fall to thrive.

This morning God reminded me I am on assignment but I am certainly not alone in it.  He will guide what He wants done and He has created the platform for which we can now do more work in advance to create the environment of GRACE His Son Jesus offered to all mankind with His work on the Cross.   Our church can be a beacon of God’s Light to a group of people so often chastised by the Christian church.  I’m so glad God has included me in this.