Yesterday I wrote about the unbelief which God removed from the garden of me.  There were some other details about this I didn’t put into yesterday’s blog.  Even though they happened, it seemed somewhat bizarre so I didn’t want to make anyone think I’ve gone crazy. The only person I shared this with yesterday was the lady who is my prayer warrior.  She said that demon possession is not talked about in our country, but it is very real.  Satan only camouflages it so “sophisticated folks” like us won’t believe we have anything to do with such nonsense.  Get away from the US and one can see it being practiced all around.  

This morning I asked God what He was wanting me to do with this new garden?  I didn’t know if I should talk about it or not.  He said yesterday He had removed a demon from me which I knew he had for I heard him and felt him leave.  This demon’s name is “unbelief”. This is the part I didn’t want to talk about.  I knew it was real but it also sounds bizarre.  God was clear in stating this morning that in removing unbelief, The Holy Spirit is now planting “belief” in my garden.  One of the fruits of belief is TRUST.  My questioning of telling others is the lingering result of so much unbelief.  God even asked, “How will others here know if you don’t tell?” As I grow in my belief I will trust more and more to simply do what God asks of me.  I can be free to let Him do what He wants to do once I’ve done my part.  So this is why I am putting all of this in today’s blog. 

It has taken years for me to come to this place of believing all we know about God and His Mighty Works.  That all of this is entirely true for me–not just you.  If you struggle with this as I have, try giving God the opportunity to work with you in it.  God’s word says that Faith the size of a mustard seed will remove a mountain.  I must say, God has removed a mountain range that has blocked my view of His Vast Kingdom and Strength.  My eyes are still trying adjust to taking all of this in.  I do know that I have a lifetime followed by an eternity to grasp it.  Thank you Father God! 

This morning has already been incredibly enlightening.  As I’ve been writing about this of late, God has been fully addressing my need for release from the bondage of my abusive past. This morning God gave me some new insights which hit home. 

In my reading of Matthew, Christ is now doing much healing.  This is right before he identifies his disciples.  Joyce Meyer writes a note in one passage stating God sent His Son to be the one to bring freedom from sin for each of us.  In the footnote she states that after Christ did His work on the cross, he gave us The Holy Spirit.  None of this is new information but always good to read again.  Then she said The Holy Spirit is like a gardener.  It is His role to prepare the garden for a rich harvest.  This is now what began to hit me.  Let me explain.

This past summer I had a bacteria get into my soil which was killing my beans.  I also had an infestation of voles which were very annoying eating portions of vegetables as they’d mature.  I spent hours working to rid my garden of them.  Finally I had to give up on the bean crop.  I was told what I needed to do to eradicate my garden from the bacteria and I’ve now taken these steps.  There’s one more I need to do in the spring which I’ll do at that point.  As I was thinking about this and tying it to the fact the Holy Spirit is my gardener and I am the garden, I could see just what He’s been attempting to do in my life through so many steps He’s had me take over the past 10+ years.  The most recent is this Abuse class.  

I’ve had a bacteria in my garden called “unbelief”.  No matter what anyone told me, I still wasn’t good enough.  This morning The Gardener said it was time to remove this taproot from me.  He said it was getting in the way of living in today, for unbelief continues to bring your past into the picture which only poisons the fruit of today.  So, I let Him take it.  I know there will likely be steps He will need to take just as I will need to do more to keep this bacteria at bay.  However, for the first time this morning I saw a Light shining in this garden of mine.  I may not be good enough, but the truth is that God is Good Enough and He is the One who makes me so for His Holy Spirit lives within me.  I stand in this truth now.  

It is always somewhat incredible to me having a morning like yesterday’s where I was able to tell so much to Kathy.  What never hits me is that life still has to be lived every minute of every day following the moment.  What I mean by this is that once I got into the day I wasn’t sure what living with greater freedom meant.  Thoughts still came to me similar to old ones—doubts, temptations, etc.  I ended the day thankful Kathy and I could talk but the moment of the morning didn’t really “cure/heal” anything, did it?

This morning as I had my devotions God was opening my eyes to see and hear things in His Word–Matthew.  As I got to my journaling time I asked Him what I was missing?  He simply said, “It’s time to look at my todays and at my tomorrows.  The time spent on the past is now all healed and buried at the Cross of Christ.  There is no sin in today and no sin in tomorrow (as of yet).”  Yes, my past was filled with sin that He wanted me released from.  He has forgiven me but I was still hanging on to much (not accepting the healing He was offering).  Hearing this and being able to see that my thoughts were generated from the past, helps me know that now I can cut the cord to this past.

I was telling Kathy yesterday about a time when I was in counseling and the counselor had me defining who I am separated from what I do.  I was unable to do this so the counselor had Kathy come with me to the next session.  Together they were able to help me see the difference between being and doing.  The one is who I am, the other is what I do with who I am.  At that moment in the session, the counselor asked me if I felt free now that I understood the difference.  I told her I was scared to death!  I didn’t know this person who she was describing and I’d rather walk in front of a mac truck gong 70 mph down the freeway rather than try to find out who he is.  I just knew I would end up being like my dad or my brother if this person was found out.

Well, this morning, I can now see that I want to walk in today and into tomorrow as the person God created me to be.  I can see that the person I am is no longer bound to the sins of my past or defined by those sins.  This is the new creation God has been wanting me to find and know.  Somehow, I think all of this is working!  Wow, I am so humbled to know the beginning of this tremendous freedom!

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery large group time was a testimony from one of our participants who has a background of abuse different but similar to my own.  As I was listening to it I felt emotions and hurt like I’ve never felt before.  Her story kept bringing memories of my own to the surface where I could no longer suppress them.  One of the guys at my table said, “Wow, that is a powerful testimony.”  I couldn’t speak in response to him or I would break down in sobs.  I just nodded my head.

As I got to small group I was able to talk about this and its tie to the present recovery class we are doing on Abuse.  I’ve already written about its impact on me.  Yesterday afternoon I began the lesson’s work for next Tuesday’s class.  I thought it would be easier since it is about the abuser and not me–the abused.  I was so wrong!  Yes, indeed, it is about the abuser, but the processing questions are all about the impact of the abuser and their makeup on you (me), the victim.  As difficult as all of this is to handle, I now know God is wanting me to stop the stuffing and start the confronting.  I’ve faced these memories many times in the last 10 years, but each time I have, I have followed up with stuffing any remaining part back where I had it before, saying things like, “That didn’t really bother me.”  I need to confront all of it and allow Christ’s healing work to cleanse all of me from this wretched ugliness I’ve housed.

This morning as I’ve been processing/journaling, Kathy walked into the den.  I hadn’t really opened up to her about the depths of this, but I needed to.  We talked for an hour or so.  At this point I haven’t suppressed or stuffed anything for today.  In fact, when I was journaling all of this and writing to God about it I felt Him saying to me to now write what I know He had created in me from the beginning.  It wasn’t enough to know the lies of my past are seen as such, I now need to recognize the genuine strengths He gave me.  It is not arrogant and egotistical to have strengths as my dad had made me believe.  These strengths were gifts from God to be used by Him and not to build my ego.  This was dad’s fear somehow.

Well, this is late getting out today, but I do feel much better having some grounding on the present part of my journey.  God is never done completing His work in us.  I’m finding that I can “be” who I am without shame and guilt.  And, instead, I can be glad for who I “am”.  I am a creation of God, on purpose, and working with Him in Kingdom Work.  Thank you Father!

I started into Matthew today having finished the Old Testament.  Right at this point I got a call from my daughter needing me to help take one of my grandkids to school.  My daughter had a tire problem.  She went to the tire store and I went to the school with my granddaughter.  I think all is better at this point.  So now, onto the blog—-

Early in Matthew he talks about Christ’s birth and how Harrod wanted him dead.  I hadn’t thought much about this specific point but Joyce Meyer states just how much Christ, even as a child, was a threat to Satan, Harrod, and anyone who wanted to be in supreme power.  Destroying a child was no problem for them.  Harrod had all the babies killed from the ages of 2 and under.  I just had read this as Harrod’s threat, but it is easy to see and know how much Satan was threatened knowing God had sent Christ to us to redeem man from his sins–something man continued in failing to do.

As I had posted yesterday about sexual abuse and the difficulty of doing the lesson we covered last Tuesday night, I could all of a sudden see Satan’s involvement in all of the childhood sexual abuse.  Getting this going at such a young age often grips the child to such a point they will never find Christ-like freedom.  How Satan must rejoice in this disgusting, sinful sickness.

I am so very grateful God has allowed me to get the help I’ve needed and inspired me to help others.  Last Tuesday night one of the men in our group stated to me that maybe God saw my abuse as an opportunity for me to assist in getting our Celebrate Recovery going along with the present recovery groups.  I hadn’t thought about this.  All I know is that God uses all things to His Glory when we are willing to let Him.  God does take our bondage and turns it into freedom for us and help for others to find the same.  He is such a loving, generous Father!

After last night’s class I was going to write this morning about one of our guy’s awakening from class.  It was a good one which the curriculum for Mending the Soul is written to unfold for the participants.  This gentleman has much sexual abuse from his childhood and a narcissistic father.  However, God was wanting me to appreciate this man’s awakening, but He was also wanting me to find my own awakening from this lesson we finished last night.  The stuff within me that the class was exposing was not to be hidden any longer.

My scripture reading this morning was the book of Malachi–the last one of the Old Testament.  It is very insightful regarding God’s desire to restore his creation–man–to Him.  The lesson we did for last night was about the effects of sexual abuse.  This boy–me, was born into a family with a dad who adored sports and competition.  He was a man not afraid of temper, anger, power, pride and rage–these were manly characteristics.  My brother who used me was deeply damaged by dad’s  humiliation and beatings.  I was my brother’s pacifier.  I made him feel good.  These are things I’ve understood for a while now.  For myself, I too was made to feel like I was less than a man because I wasn’t wired like dad.  I hated competitive sports which physically hurt man.  I also was sensitive to the spirit of man and cried when something was touching or someone was hurt.  I was made to feel shame for who I was.  My brother’s use of me grew into times when I would feel physical pleasure from his abuse.  This would bring more shame.  This hole in me left from a boy’s desire to be approved by his dad and affirmed by his siblings was hidden and stuffed away for life–I thought.

In all of my counseling and therapy I still have lingering times when this boy wishes to be affirmed.  This morning I was able to journal this and ask God Himself to cleanse this hole of unworthiness in me and fill it with His Holy Spirit as Christ’s Work on the Cross promises.

I continue to stand amazed with God’s thorough and tender means of dealing with man.  This class I’m taking is one more example.  As painful as it is emotionally, it is so healing when one doesn’t any longer hide the truth it exposes.  I love my Father for this!

Yesterday was one of those days where I needed to get to the bottom of a couple items.  I’d journaled about them to God asking for His leadership with both.  In each case He took care of them in such a way that I simply said to myself, “What, it was that simple?”  I won’t go into the details of the one but it had to do with a group of people who needed a good deal of direction.  I wasn’t going to have time to deal with it until today when I would be home.  In the early afternoon yesterday I got a call from the very person I needed to talk to and he wanted to address the item.  His solution took care of it completely.  I didn’t even know he knew about it, yet God did.  He wanted it happening in His timeframe, not man’s.  He put it in His timeframe just like that.

The second situation had to do with the principal I spent the day with yesterday.  Last week I had troubled him with a timeline I knew needed to be met, but he wasn’t wanting to address it and I knew it must be done.  He’d sent me an email apologizing for his behavior which I accepted, but I also knew I needed to be sure there is not an elephant in the room as we meet.  Yesterday I asked him exactly that–“Is there an elephant in the room as we meet today?”  He thanked me for asking and we were able to easily talk about last week.  We agreed to talk through ahead of time these kinds of issues as they would arise.  He is new to his position as well as new to the profession of administration so he is tentative about taking these aggressive steps that sometimes must happen.  I assured him I was only there to help with all of this.

God is the God of the Universe but He is so intimate with us in all details of life.  I just love this about Him.  I had thought I’d be spending all of today’s afternoon dealing with what a simple phone call took care of and I didn’t even know the person who called knew about it.  I like to think that what I do is God’s Kingdom work.  When things happen like yesterday I know they are because God took care of them through His leadership.  I sure like working for Him!

Psalms 46:10 says:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  The first two words of this verse are often the ones I focus on.  To be still is always a good reminder for me.  Today, was not different in having God remind me to be still.  However, as I was reminded of this important step for today I was also reminded to look at the next two words.  Have you thought about what happens when one is still?  We will then KNOW.  Specifically, we will know that I AM GOD.  God is reminding each of us that He is God and we don’t need to think we have to take charge of things.  It is much easier to live life if we know He is in charge and we are completing His charge for the day rather than me having to do this.

KNOW is a solid word.  No one can take something away from you once you know it.  Man can do a lot of things with man, but playing with what we know is something we can only play with.  Satan does this all the time.  He wants to play with what we know about God.  He tries so hard to destroy our faith, our trust, our belief in the God who says, I AM GOD.

No matter how anxious I may be, how the day plays out, or the night time dreams come, these influences will still be brought back to the truth of this simple verse from Psalms–“Be still and know that I am God.”

God is never done teaching lessons in this life.  Today is no different.  In the early morning hours I awoke feeling very anxious.  It was an odd thing because if I am anxious there is something I’m stewing about.  In this case I was simply anxious.  I kept thinking about my oldest living sis who is going into an assisted living place tomorrow.  It is a good thing and she is very excited.  She struggles with anxiety and has since losing her husband about 10 years ago.  I kept fearfully thinking, “God, am I going to be like Alice?”  I kept giving the anxiety to God and eventually I went back to sleep for a short while.

This morning as I had my devotional time I was journaling about this.  God reminded me how anxious I have always been and how well I’ve hidden it from the world around me.  I want people to think I’m in control of me and the world around me.  I know Christ tells us to not be anxious about tomorrow.  Hanging onto anxiety is a sin rather than a good thing.  God, in all His Wisdom, showed me that hiding the anxiety I feel is just like hiding the past I kept a secret for so long thinking I was a loser and the world would see me as such if they knew.  He also showed me that anxiety is a temptation just like any other.  Some people are anxious and they have to let it go or it will consume them.  Others who struggle with something else have to make the same choice–let it consume them or let it go.  When God showed this to me I could see a couple things I must do–tell it and then let it go.

Satan truly does manipulate us with the idea that secrecy of our weaknesses is the key to success.  God says, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4.  We cannot mourn unless we confess and face the issue.  We hide it otherwise and by so doing, we don’t mourn.  Today I’m confessing and letting go.  I’m sure I’ll have to do this often, but I’m getting started.

Obedience.  That is such a big and important word.  There is no part of living which doesn’t need us to be obedient if we are to live life to the fullest.  The world gives us lots of things to be obedient to which end up being destructive for us.  In the ugliest form, Satan allures us to sinfulness with its attraction.  It doesn’t matter our age, there are those sins which we know we shouldn’t do but we so want to.  The choice is then to obey our selfishness or obey our conscience.

I write this first paragraph because yesterday was one of those days where I was experiencing the results of obedience (choices) in destructive ways with those I was with rather than constructive ones.  It leaves me feeling helpless to know what to do.  This morning I was journaling about all of this and then asked God what He wanted me to know for today?  He immediately reminded me that the circumstances which man encounters as a result of his obedience towards God’s Light or his obedience towards darkness, are tools God uses to point man to Him.  I shouldn’t mourn these times but thank God for them.  When man is forced to look away from darkness and he looks up he will see Light.  If there’s anything I can and should do, it is to remember to always be looking up myself rather than looking only at the destructive darkness.

God really is an excellent teacher.  However, me being man, it seems I need to have these lessons over and over to remember my role in helping.  My own obedience needs me looking to the Light and often “being still before God” for He is the Light–not me.  To God be all Glory!  I want to thank Him today, right now, for the Good Work He is going to do rather than focusing on what I want Him to do.