A good friend at Celebrate Recovery last night shared a story with me about their recent, personal walk with God. They had experienced God’s silence when asked a question about an action they should or shouldn’t take. When God did speak later in the day about His silence, this person was reminded that previously they’d been given two commands by God, one which they obeyed and one which they didn’t. God was reminding them He needed their obedience if they wanted to hear His voice.

Hearing this I then shared my own present place with God’s lessons for me about letting go of control in my life so He could become the one I always obey and always TRUST. As I stepped into teaching the lesson last night on Powerless, I shared my own present state/lesson God has me experiencing. To become powerless I have to truly believe that my best interests are not at stake, otherwise I’d never trust. I’ve learned that this is true for God–He does have each of our best interests always in His Leadership of our lives. Putting myself out there for man is an entirely different case. I’ve never actually thought through the idea of “best interest” when I was stating an action I wanted my child or my grandchild to take. If I did however, I’d know I always have this intent for them. This would be true if I were encouraging them to do something or if they ought to not do something. This is intimacy in a relationship–always having the best interest in mind–removing our own selfishness and having their interest instead.

As I take a look at this I can see why intimacy has been so threatening for me. So many things I wanted to do as a boy growing up were labeled “selfish” or “big-headed” by my dad. These would be things like being class president, student body president, leader of an organization. Dad would tell me I only wanted to do this so I’d be better than my family, or that I could get away from my family. These statements always shocked me and made me question my motives. But, it also grew into a deep resentment because these accusations just weren’t true of me and my intent. I write this because now I realize the impact this had on my trusting man today. Dad didn’t have my best interests in mind. Somehow my desires threatened his beliefs about me and my motives. This was about dad–not me. Now it is time for me to understand that I can trust people like my wife to have my best interest in mind just as I do for her. I’ve lived a long time to learn this lesson. I’ll bet there are many more still waiting to be learned!

The journey does continue and as it continues so does God’s work within us through His Loving Holy Spirit. The lesson I wrote about from Tuesday night addressed in depth the damage to intimacy abuse causes. In fact, intimacy is shattered from childhood abuse. The idea of surrendering yourself fully to someone else has always seemed ridiculous to me. “If you want to trust me that much, that’s your problem. I’m only going to trust God and me to the extent of ‘fully'”. These have always been my inner thoughts.

Today’s scripture reading began Songs of Solomon. These are the passionate love examples some say define God’s love for us and what God wants man and woman’s love for one another to be like. When I’ve read them in the past I’ve always thought they were a nice fantasy of thought. This morning, however, I’ve begun to read them as direct instruction for me. Song of Solomon is the Bible’s definition of intimacy and I am very far from it–I must confess. The message screams TRUST at me–TRUST in the form of giving myself totally to the control of someone else knowing they have my best interest at heart and would do nothing to harm me. Instead, everything they’d do is lift me up. I can see myself wanting to do this for my kids, my grandkids, my wife–but someone doing this for me?

The lesson in Celebrate Recovery tonight is Powerless. I am teaching it. To be powerless is something I’ve never wanted to be as an adult. I had too many years of this as a child. God is putting all of this reality before me presently so I can finally see that not only is HE trustworthy, so is Jesus, The Holy Spirit, and my wife. I’ll start with them. Becoming intimate is all about trust and surrendering self. This seems like more than a lesson–it is life changing! I’m ready to finally step into this knowing it is God’s next step for me.

Today is a new day. Last night was our class for Mending the Soul. As I was preparing for it, which is very different this year since it is my 2nd go round, I found myself going to very different places within me in response to the narratives to read and the questions to answer. Early childhood abuse has some awful, critical effects on the soul. No child can be in control of this. Each one is vulnerable to the “man” for which he is placed. I’ve never realized the depth of damage abuse causes until I finally got to these roots myself and actually faced them. A child buries this damage due to his inability to address them. As adults we deny their existence due to the hurt one doesn’t want to face or admit. My life has been filled with “doing” to better me for the relationships I’ve been given. Now I realize that all the doing I thought was giving me value was a lie of Satan. My value has come from my creation–the person God made me to be. The things I do are for God’s Kingdom. I’ve known that I’ve wanted to do God’s Kingdom work, I just thought if I did it well, He’d finally love me enough to take away the memories.

The truth that God makes all things new is truly a miracle. Instead of taking away the memories, He turns the memories into His surgical tools for which He does His healing work. As I’ve begun to face the damage of the past God has used my story to strengthen others to face their own. He uses other’s stories to help me realize what I still need to do/face. The result is this new creation God gave is now being freed of bondage that was rooted in the child created in God’s image. How I praise Him for this!

Today is the 37th anniversary for Kathy and me. It was then that we started our journey together living our lives as a team of three having God at the helm. As I reflect on this for a moment I realize at least in part just how much Kathy has modeled for me the love God wanted me to know from Him which included Grace and Mercy.

Kathy was the first person I ever told of my past. When I did tell her about 6 months into our marriage, I had asked her to pack her bags ahead of telling. I knew she would leave the moment she found out how black I was inside. I simply couldn’t hide this darkness any longer. Instead of leaving however, she asked me to get help. In fact, the first question she asked me was, “Would you be leaving if I’d just told you something similar to this about me?” Well, I knew I wouldn’t be leaving if this were so. I told her I just hadn’t thought of it that way. I was too consumed in my own shame and belief of myself.

Over the years I first saw God’s faithfulness to me through Kathy’s solid commitment to our marriage. All of this time I thought I needed to earn God’s love. Instead, God had given me this precious gift of a wife to model what love is truly about. How could a man be so fortunate?!! Having a God Who loves me unconditionally and to also have a wife who does the same is amazing! Kathy has always said she married me for who I am, not for what I could do. God had been trying to tell me this for years but it took a wife (Kathy) for Him to convince me of what this looks like. How much I love both of them for this!

I am amazed always by the work of Jesus. All of my life I’ve wanted to be “better than” my dad and my brother. So, little did I know that with this internal drive I was allowing them to be my measurement for being “good”. God sent His Son Jesus to be our example. I knew this, but in my mind I seldom looked to this example. In my recent awakening to being “a new creation” I am finding myself awakening so much more to my own flesh and its weakness. When my flesh was weak before this time of awakening I would look to dad and tell myself that at least I wasn’t like him. I would likewise look at my brother’s life and tell myself the same.

God is wanting me to mature in this area of being a new creation. I am finding that when Paul, in the New Testament, praised God for his weakness because it was only then that he could be strong, this is what God is wanting me to see about myself. My measurement for living was never to be like dad or my brother, but it was to always to be like Jesus Christ. God even gave me The Holy Spirit within to help me with this.

This morning as I continue my reading in the devotional, it’s title was “Teaching and Learning”. Its message was all about what God has been showing me. Secondly, the message of Ecclesiastics is also about what Solomon was learning about himself and God. In Solomon’s old age he saw the frailty of man and his abilities–most of which are driven by pride and selfishness. Our flesh is never satisfied. However, in Christ Jesus, there is continuous purpose, hope and gratification in doing God’s Will. I don’t like being shown this “flesh of myself”. However, as I now see it I don’t want to be owned by it and its falseness. The teaching God is doing and the learning I am gleaning is where I want to stay.

This morning I began reading Ecclesiastes. If you’re familiar with this little book you know that Solomon wrote it towards the end of his life. God had given to Solomon the gift of wisdom. Solomon was also the author of Proverbs where much of his wisdom is recorded for man’s day to day use. I found however as I began reading Ecclesiastes today that Solomon and I have come to a similar conclusion.

I’m not trying to place myself in the category of wisdom like Solomon, so let me explain. Last Friday when I was attending the day of training for those of us who do the consulting work, I spoke with another one of us for which I have a lot of respect. She had told me a few months back that she was going to quit this work in another year or so. This time I was talking to her about my desires to stay with the work until the work had seemed to begin taking root and showed evidence of “not needing me anymore”. When I had retired 11 years ago this was my internal goal (drive). This morning Solomon is saying that in all of his life he had discovered all there was to know and do as a man. Yet, now that he was nearing the end of life he was finding that this had little effect, if any, on the future of the next generation. This is exactly what I’m finding now that I’m nearing the end of my professional work. No matter how solid one may think their ideas are, they are still up to the next person to agree and follow it. Man has his own choice and this is true in every aspect of our lives. When my father died I remember saying that with his death went all of his knowledge about mechanics, carpentry, and other aspects for which he was very wise. I had few of them in these areas and had always wanted to glean more even though in all of my previous efforts it hadn’t happened.

Ecclesiastes is a book of reality. The hope of new life, new generation, the promises of God’s Word are all true but they are true one person at a time. I’m realizing it is most important to help each individual I encounter and those who want to grow. I still have this year and next to finish this, but I’m likely to stop thinking this profession of education will grow into a sustainable model of excellence! At some point I will walk away and be glad I was able to be in it as long as I have been. And for this, I will praise God!

Hallelujah it is a day to be home! It seems funny to enjoy a day when I can mow the lawn, clean the garden, dig potatoes and onions, pick tomatoes, gather the squash, all of which is part of fall.

In my scripture reading, last few chapters of Proverbs, I love the power given to God’s Word. In it is added that man can never try to add to God’s Word without consequence. God’s Word is complete and stands alone without any of man’s help. God’s Word is WISDOM. When I sometimes struggle with it, it is not my place to try and put my own words to it. Instead, I need to stay with the mystery of it until God reveals the truth of what I’m missing.

God wants me and each of us to be a complete follower of His Son Jesus. It takes complete surrender to be the person Proverbs outlines. Jesus is our example. I want to keep Him first and foremost in the front of my day and throughout it.

I am so glad it is Friday. I have a day of training today and at the end of it I meet with the new superintendent I’ve begun to do some work with. By the time I get home tonight I want to enjoy a time of just resting. This week has been one not necessarily feeling like “I’m retired!”

I loved what my devotional reading and scripture reading had to say this morning. When I have a week like this one filled with deeper, unspoken issues of man which trouble the soul, I begin to look too closely at man and see the future built around man and his behaviors. Then I pick up today’s devotional and read about God Almighty and This Almighty Son of His. On top of that I continue to read about This Almighty Holy Spirit which lives right in us–within you and me. I then am reminded that God’s Ways are not mans’ ways and the outcome of mans’ ways is only an indication of man. Yes, each of mans’ ways will impact eternity, but God knows all of this and works with all of it.

I truly needed today to be reminded that God is not only sovereign, but He is Almighty. If I keep my eyes on Him, His Son Jesus and listen closely to The Holy Spirit’s nudges within me, I won’t allow mans’ ways to take me down. God’s Ways lift us up. Satan is the one who wants us down. I choose to look up and keep focused on this Magnificent God we get to serve!

Why do I worry or fret? The situation of yesterday went remarkably well. In fact, I was able to complete more worthwhile work than in almost any day I’ve gone to this school. I’m praying for the details I cannot disclose, but I know God is working to make all things good. He is our Amazing God!

I wrote about journaling ahead of scripture/devotional reading a few days ago. I continue to do this and the outcome of it is very enlightening. I love reading my devotional and Bible with a purpose in mind that is both meaningful and freeing. It seems each day when I journal I can see clearly what I’m needing to either address in the day or let go of because it is not mine to address. As I read the Bible and the devotional I am able to glean insight for the day. In so doing I can let it go or glean knowledge for addressing it. In yesterday’s case with my worry about the school’s state and what my presence would mean, I was able to let it go trusting God’s insights would be known as I arrived. While I was driving to the district I had a couple thoughts enter my mind which I knew were from God. I acted on them as I arrived and the day was great.

I do appreciate so much building a closer walk/relationship with God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. My devotional today said that as our faith grows so does the Power of The Holy Spirit within us. This is the same Power which raised Jesus from the grave conquering the grip of sin and opening the way for each of us to come before God ourselves. It is here for us as we act on the faith which is growing within.

Today I step into an unknown. I wrote about this yesterday. The unknown of yesterday I needed to step into was nicely addressed and defined. Today, however, I’m finding myself needing to step into an unknown where the unknown is bigger. I’ll need to step into it and then simply do whatever seems best. It will be up to me to determine the actions I take. As I write this I hear this voice in my head reminding me that my job is to step into the unknown. There is no unknown to Jesus. He wants me to be obedient and to trust Him to guide me rather than trust my own judgment. I’m needing this reminder. Jesus is so good at being present in the midst of unknowns. My flesh keeps me on the edge of worry when Jesus says to Trust at these times.

As I was journaling earlier this morning I wrote out what I’m anxious about for today. My flesh is screaming at me. I don’t want to go into this district and make a mess where a mess is already present. Once again, Jesus is asking that I simply go and be present. He will be the One who will give insight as to steps to be taken while I’m there today. Jesus is asking for me to Trust. I am seeing first hand that Trust is not something I can say I will do and it will easily take place for the day. I need to keep reminding my flesh that Jesus is the One I trust, not my fleshly fears.