Today I want the journey to pause. I want to sit back and take in all that God intends from this weekend. I know there is much I need to do but I don’t want any of these details to deter from what I am to learn, hear, process and reflect upon. I picked up Christopher and parents last night from the airport and took them to their hotel. The conversation was light. They were tired as they’d come from a day of presenting in Spokane and flew into Boise for this weekend. I will leave to get them in about 20 minutes for God’s Work to begin through them here.

God is teaching me and wanting me to understand what surrender looks like. Boy do I want to do this well for Him and His Kingdom.

So much has been happening of late, or preparations for this weekend, I haven’t had a moment to truly reflect as I’ve done this morning. I still have a few things to get done, but they will fit nicely into the time today. One of the very big, unexpected lessons, I’ve discovered this week is my own flesh. Let me explain.

Last weekend I felt as though I needed to fast this week in spiritual preparation for the Kingdom Work Christopher and his parents would be doing for God’s people here in our community. I asked God to show me when to fast and Monday morning He told me to fast each day at dinner time. That is typically my bigger meal so I thought that would be a good idea. Also, it would always be private so I’d not have to explain to anyone why I wasn’t eating. I could easily focus the time praying instead of eating. That was simple enough. By Tuesday morning my mind was wanting to plan how much more I’d eat for breakfast and lunch so I wouldn’t be so hungry that night or fighting such a headache. I fought these thoughts and wondered where they came from? I’ve never been one to focus much on food. By Wednesday I was far more focused on me and eating than I was on prayerful time when I wasn’t eating. I surrendered this to God but my mind was continuously focused on food. I prayed for the Yuan’s and our community, but all the time I was fighting my own desires.

This morning I brought all of this to Jesus confessing my weakness and waste of fasting time. When I asked Him what He wanted me to know and believe for today, He seemed to focus on the lesson He wanted me to finally learn from this experience. When we fast we give up flesh to honor an important “something” we want for God’s purposes. I’ve always pushed my flesh to the side not wanting to deal with it. My fear has always been that if I looked too deeply at my own flesh I’d see too much of my dad in me and also, my brother who used me. I didn’t want to see either one in me so I wouldn’t go there. These past few days I’ve seen and experienced the flesh of Earnie in an entirely new arena–food. Yes, I stayed disciplined but lost much of what I wanted to do with it. However, Jesus used it all to awaken me to what He wants me to use for Him. I need to talk about my flesh–my selfishness–not hide it. If I can do this, so can others. This is what Christopher and his parents will be doing this weekend. If this community is to open up and bring their “secret lives” to a place where help is provided, they have to know there is no judgment–it’s safe. We have to be honest about our flesh so they can sense the safety to open up about their own flesh.

I needed to see this application clearly so I can communicate it clearly. What a marvelous God we serve!

Today would have been my parents 92nd wedding anniversary. Mom has been gone however for 20 years and dad has been gone for 16 years. As I was beginning to journal about this I wasn’t filled with pleasant memories. Instead of thanks I was filled with frustration. In taking it to Jesus, He asked me to praise Him. In so doing I instantly saw my siblings, my kids and grandkids and all my nieces and nephews. I smiled and thanked Jesus profusely. All of this fruit came from God blessing this marriage so long ago. Just last July we had a big reunion where over a 100 of the grandchildren were together. I do praise God and smile in doing so!

The meeting that was to take my morning was cancelled. Boy, am I a happy camper! Instead now, I can spray my grandson’s lawn which we planted last Spring. It is time to kill the last of the weeds in it. I can also tend to some details I need to get done for this weekend and work in my own yard. God is just unexpectedly good and I thank Him for this!

So many years later and yet this date rings true to memories of a dreadful day not so long ago. I’m sure, like you, I will never forget the stunning awakening to just how evil man can be and think he is doing “right” in it. What a sad world we live in. I will never forget and I’m sure you won’t either.

When Jesus is not at the core of our lives and at the core of our nation, Satan’s seeds of flesh’s own selfishness begin to take root. It is easy to see from where I sit, but when we are caught in our own selfishness, it takes a real jolt to help us see it in ourselves. This is what Jesus is helping me see–even this week.

As I am mentally preparing details for the weekend I keep stumbling over “what I want” forgetting that I am not the one in charge. I am the one in direct contact with the speaker and his organization, but there are those at the church who are in charge of their own areas: technology and its use during the two days, the worship equipment, room assignments and arrangements, meals and snacks. I have all the info to the right people, but I have to let go of what they do with it. My selfishness wants to be right there and see that each of these areas are done to the satisfaction I have in my head. But, Jesus reminds me that this is a new day for me. I am learning to trust His leadership with people who also trust Him. He speaks to them just as He does to me. Let Him put this weekend together as He wants it.

Selfishness runs deep in the flesh of man. How much more awake I am to this truth now that I am not denying any longer my own selfishness. I use to compare all of who I thought I was to my dad and my brother. If I were doing better than I thought they were, I was doing good. Now that I have my eyes more firmly onto Christ, I see huge amounts of selfishness in me which I need to daily surrender so my eyes stay focused on Christ. I suppose you the reader may know this too for yourself? Satan wants to have a hay day with this selfish nature of man.

Yesterday’s entry told of my awakening to self more and more. I thought I was more surrendered than I am. Jesus is now letting me see some next steps. This morning He showed me how I’ve known Him throughout my life as Savior. I’ve known since I gave my heart to Him I would be going to heaven. That fact has been pretty well ingrained into my belief system. Where I’ve had huge doubts is Jesus as Lord and King. Both of these titles are wrapped up in my distorted view of authority.

I’ve never questioned man’s need for leadership. I’ve seen this need all of my life. What I’ve learned is how deeply the hatred of my father’s authority during my childhood infiltrated so much of my belief regarding any authority including that of God and Christ Jesus. For many years I’ve known Jesus could be powerful, He just wasn’t for me. I thought that was about our relationship so I’ve tried desperately to earn His love. These past months and recent events of the past couple days have begun to take what I’ve known and uproot these old creation beliefs. I want Jesus to be Lord and King of me. I want to serve Him believing He loves me without any of the service I do. Little by little I see this being adjusted in me. I’ve just not known how deeply the old roots were.

This God we serve gave us Jesus for a very special reason. It has taken me a long time to awaken to the strength and power of this. To trust Jesus and to obey Him is what I want to do. In so doing I want to replace the old thinking that I am earning my love. I want this old thinking to be replaced with Jesus’ Truth–He already loves me (us) and I serve Him out of this Love.

Today the journey continues. I feel as though the weekend has shown me in several different ways how man sets his expectations to complete God’s Kingdom Work when the expectations have little if any influence from God. It is man wanting to “do this for God”. In reality, man’s ego feels good doing these things and God is still waiting for man to see Him and to Hear Him.

I have been caught in some of this having my expectations for our upcoming weekend. I know beyond a shadow of doubt the weekend has been orchestrated by God’s Hand. What is being done here ahead of time is where I get lost in the “Earnie actions” thinking they are God-given. These I must surrender for I am not the “voice of God”. I am a servant of God He wants completing what His Voice has directed me to do. He will lead other leaders to act on His Voice to them. I can trust Him in this.

I am continuously amazed at God’s Leadership. So much of what man calls leadership is out of line when we truly commit to leading God’s Way. Things like steadfastness, determination, committed are all characteristics of good leaders. The missing element is the surrendering of self to God’s Voice within so we complete these characteristics for God and not for “me”. How quickly I can surrender to “self-center” and not realize it until afterwards.

As I was reminded yesterday, a new creation is still made of flesh. So these temptations will be ever before me. I deeply want to see them as flesh and surrender them quickly so I don’t lose sight of my One True God.

Today Jesus is on the throne of my life. I must confess I didn’t wake up with Him there. The anxiety of expectation for the coming weekend is gripping me. When I was telling Jesus about it this morning I was telling Him how I know there are hundreds of people caught in the grip of “secrets” needing to be dealt with right in our own church, let alone in our community. This forthcoming weekend is a perfect place and time for them to step out of their darkness to see the Light of Hope. My mind has so many thoughts about this person needing to do this and that person needing to do that and I then can get all of my part done! Writing this out helps me see the futility of me and my thinking.

I asked Jesus what He wanted me to do for Him in all of this? He kindly nudged me to first, surrender my anxiety to Him and let Him replace it with confidence that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. There is an old hymn, “I Surrender All”. This morning I needed to do just that–surrender all–so I did. So now, for this moment in time, Jesus is knowingly on the throne of my life and I am conscious of my role of being His servant.

I asked the question of Jesus about my being a new creation and does a new creation have these moments? Once again He reminded me that I am still in the flesh. What a new creation knows to do is surrender it so the anxiety doesn’t control his behaviors. This will be my big assignment!

There is one thing I’m learning from my journaling each day and then following that up with the writing of this blog. This process helps to solidify in me what I use to carry within my mind as just a wish or hope. This morning was a good example of what I mean.

As I began my Bible reading in Psalms a lot of requests were going to God about stopping the enemies, holding back the opposition, destroying the message of division and hate and much more. These messages were seemingly being prayed or sang to God. There is an inferred message of these prayers going to Jesus, but He isn’t known as of yet–just prophesied.

Because of the big event starting a week from today, my mind is filled with expectation and details to have the expectations completed well and impacting the host of people needing to be present. So, as I started my journaling I began to write: Father God. I then quickly recalled my commitment to journal to Jesus. However, that strong sense that I needed to go to the top with all of these very important needs was paramount. But, as I began to ponder this oddity of mine, I wrote: “Jesus, help me know why I don’t trust you with the most important things in my life?” As I continued to journal I began to realize even when I journaled to God, I still felt the anxiety of “will this get done correctly, will the people be there who need to be there??” I began to realize that I still didn’t trust even when I “went to the top”. It was more about a hope than a trust. It was about me, not my Father or His Son Jesus. It’s another character defect as Celebrate Recovery helps us to see. This process of journaling helped me to see the error of my ways and I confessed my selfish thinking and lack of trust and surrendered all of it to Jesus.

As I asked the daily question of what Jesus wanted me to know and believe for today, He told me that our “true relationship” is only months old. The one I knew before and the father of the one I knew before were not Who They are to me today. Jesus wants me to be a servant leader. He helped me see that a servant leader knows Who he is subservient to and then leads out of obedience to Him. I’ve always wanted God and Jesus to complete what I thought I was doing for them. Now I’m learning how important to no longer have hope, but instead, turn my hope into TRUST and obey what Jesus nudges through His Holy Spirit. This is about Earnie working for Jesus rather than the other way around.

These are humbling moments and I want to be a faithful student who is learning to be a faithful servant for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

The journey has some relaxation built into it today–or so it seems. It is not a day of scheduled things to get done. Yes, there’s the lawn to mow and beans to pick but I can choose when to do them. It is nice to have a day like this.

When a time in the morning takes place where I have more time, I often turn reflective taking a look at the things driving me. As I was journaling about this I was nudged to never forget what God’s most important drive is–bringing His children home. There are a million “things” we can all be doing to keep ourselves busy. However, it is not too difficult to step back from them and see which of those are Kingdom Activities (those which focus ourselves and others on Jesus) or those which are simply important to man. I sure want to keep Kingdom at the top of my list. To God be All Glory!

The reality of a powerful weekend is coming together which is only 9 days away. I’ve been in touch with Christopher Yuan’s admin and talked with him directly in the last couple days. We are refining the schedule for the weekend and including time for him to meet with our family support group and for all the leadership working with our Celebrate Recovery, Restoration Ministry and pastoral staff. Saturday night Kathy and I get to host a dinner with Christopher and his parents, a couple from Boise who Christopher says he wants us to get to know. They have a passion for this work. All of this leaves me “weak kneed” thinking there must be something I’m leaving out and what is it?

This morning’s reading in the Psalms 57:7 says, “My heart is fixed, O God, my hear is steadfast and confident! I will sing and make melody.” Joyce Meyer writes a statement regarding her lack of confidence at times and how Satan feeds insecurities as she is working with her ministry. I know those voices of insecurities for they scream at me. It was God’s timing to read this for the voices in my head have been screaming at me regarding this upcoming weekend. I sensed Jesus’ voice this morning saying to take a step away from the heat of the moment and look up at Him. He is the Master of this Work, not me. I am to complete my part. The voices in my head are there, but He is also there and to let Him deal with them while I do my part of obedience. Confidence doesn’t always look the way we feel inside. However, confidence acts on doing what God leads us to do in spite of these inner voices.

I love this God Team!