I can tell I am overly anxious as today starts.  My first cup of coffee is not even finished and my guts are in knots.  There are a number of things happening in the next week and a half which start the year’s work whether educational work or Kingdom work.  Tomorrow we are interviewing one of our Celebrate Recovery couples in both worship services prepping for our kick-off on the 20th. There will be two more interviewed the following Sunday.  The sermon tomorrow accentuates a young man from our group and how CR helped him find his place with God and to find his place with man.  After church is our CR leadership meeting getting the last minute items in place for its kick-off.  Monday through Wed., I have full day meetings with the new district I’m working with for the next 3 years.  (This is part-time consulting work but the prep for the start is always big).  Tuesday night is the last meeting with our recovery group leaders before we kick-off the following Tuesday–18th.  I have my prayer warrior coming to equip us with God’s scripture.  All of these are wonderful things but my mind goes to all the details that “could” happen.  I’ve always used this characteristic of me to know if everything is in place.  At my age now it seems Satan wants to use this characteristic to shut me down with anxiety.  I see this quite plainly.  God tells me to “be still and know I Am God”.  Satan tells me to “be anxious in everything because nothing is going to turn out right”.  It is actually good for me to write this out so I can see the blatant difference in front of me rather in the emotions inside of me.

I love getting a week or two beyond the start of everything–even gardening.  That is when the seeds begin to sprout and one can see new life forming.  These details of the present are important but I must remember to TRUST GOD.  Seeds are being planted and it is God who will help the seed sprout and grow into a glorious blessing for Him and man.  People will be nudged in the next couple weeks to come to Celebrate Recovery and also to come to the recovery classes.  These are seeds being planted.  God is the One who will use this time of planting seeds.  I am his servant and equipped to do my part–not His.  I want God to be glorified.  In so doing, I can have God’s peace.

Yesterday had much in it to praise God for.  Yes, my brother got home and we had a prayer of thanks for this.  He was grumpy but then he is a Lewis!  From his house I went by a couple’s home who are in their mid-80’s.  They love tomatoes.  I usually bring them a bag each Sunday morning but they’ve been unable to come to church due to her severe hip pain.  She has forthcoming surgery in October but until then they are housebound.  He can’t drive due to his vision so it is up to her.  Anyway, I’ve been taking produce to their home the past couple weeks.  He prayed over me while I was there–my family, the ministries at church, and our quartet.  I was so touched–and I needed that.

Staying tuned into God’s Spirit and realizing it separate of my own emotions is something I’m much more awake to but I wish I were better able to know one from the other.  It is always easy to see the difference in the rearview mirror.  But, at the moment, it is not so easy.  Today I have a lunch meeting with a gentleman stuck in a tough situation.  He is seeking advice.  God has already told me to trust His Spirit at the time of the meeting.  I have to discipline myself to not go into plotting the speech right now.  I do have a conference call at 8:00 am and some work to do following it ahead of the lunch so this will occupy my mind.  Being human and living in this broken world is its own temptation.  Someday we will all be free from this.  But, until that time comes, I want to be faithful to God and His Spirit’s nudges getting to know them and obeying them.  This is all a big lesson in TRUST.

Today my brother who has been in the hospital and then rehab for the past 4 weeks and 2 days is coming home.  He is doing GREAT.  Of course he has to remain in a wheelchair for the next 6 weeks allowing his pelvic bone to completely heal, but all is coming nicely and he can continue the healing at home now.  Thank you God.

My meeting yesterday with the school district was nothing short of amazing.  I had no idea how it would go.  This particular district has only known failure for the past 10-15 years as far as their student learning has gone.  I just wasn’t sure what to expect and I knew none of them.  Statistics only tell numbers.  As it turned out the superintendent is the grandson of someone I knew back in college.  The elementary principal is someone I worked with briefly in a neighboring district I had been with a couple years ago.  In each case, all of the leaders were eager and ready to tackle the work to find success in their student learning and how learn more about how this is accomplished.  I was asked by one of them how I saw myself helping them do this?  I told them to ask me this question in a month and I could better answer it.  For now I said I would want to build relationships with them to find out where our starting places should be so we could get focused right off the bat.  There was more said, but that’s enough for now.

Most importantly for today, as I was having my devotions, I was reading how Isaiah was telling the Israelites their failure to turn to God for their battles.  They were tearing down their own homes to patch the walls around Jerusalem, trying to reroute water from within the city, etc.  Not once did they pray for God to intervene on their behalf.  They were trying to take care of their problems themselves.  This message brought me to my anxiousness of yesterday.  I know God has brought me to the recovery ministries, to this school district, gave me the family I have, and more, but He didn’t do this for me to be their healer or savior.  He did all of this so I could do my part showing others the Light of God’s leading and healing in whatever the circumstances.  He reminded me that in spirit I do want to be His warrior, torch carrier, servant.  However, in mind and ego, I want to find sufficiency, be important to men and now that I see this I can let it go.  I will battle that at times, but I can use these times as lessons to focus back on who God is and who I am to God.

Today I feel better grounded as I go into it.  God is amazing and He wants each day to be His and mine working together.  I don’t want my ego getting in the way.  I repent and then I move forward when this happens.  God is so loving and I cherish each day with Him!

Spirit-living.  I have a lot of adjusting and just plain changing to do in order for me to be fully awake and living each day in spirit rather than in flesh.  Today I am replacing the oven door on my daughter’s oven.  We won’t go into how it broke.  The part was delivered yesterday as I was leaving for a meeting so I went from the meeting to do it.  Well, I forgot to bring the old one which had one of the screws I needed.  So, I’ll go this morning and finish.  I also got a call yesterday that my meeting with the school district is set for today.  This will be the district I consult with for the next 3 years.  I was awake for a couple hours in the middle of the night anguishing all of this.

This morning I brought all of these fears to God and He seemed to tell me to write down the triggers for these fears which were keeping me awake last night.  I wrote “incapable” of doing the simplest tasks, “incapable” of making strong decisions for myself or others as I work with this new district, “fears” I’ll destroy something from the decisions I do make, “fears” that in the recovery groups people will come and see their problems and walk away feeling even worse because nothing changed.  As I wrote them out the word insufficient was screaming at me.  I told God I was insufficient.  He instantly reminded me that He is the Sufficient One.  My role is to carry the Torch of Light for others to see Him so they can know His Sufficiency.  This is not a new revelation but it being tied directly to a very anxious night helped me realize that even though I’ve grown a great deal in my relationship with God, I still desire to feel important–to be sufficient.  The word insufficient brings with it all the messages of dad’s harsh words when I was growing up and longing to just once be important to him.  Insufficient became my belief.  So, I then try to not only carry the torch of Light for God but I then want to be given credit for the help the Light gives.  My human ego wants to be fed calling me sufficient.  My heart longs however to be pleasing to God so my heart is happy but my ego is waiting.

All of this I know ties directly into my learning about Spirit-filled living.  I truly need to get myself out of the way so God will be in full control.  It’s a little like Kathy and I working together in the kitchen.  Both of us “attempt to control” so working together has to have an agreement first of who is taking charge otherwise we simply are in each other’s way.  God is truly teaching me how to work with Him, letting Him be in control, I do my part and His Light will show what problems are there and when they are surrendered, His Healing Touch does its work.  The gratification of being God’s servant is then more than sufficient to fill that longing to be worthwhile.

Yesterday I wrote about our pastor’s sermon series on Compassion.  Little did I know just how much God was going to have me wrestle with this term.  This morning in my scripture reading in Isaiah 14:12-15, Isaiah is writing about Satan.  In these few verses Satan says, “I will” five times.  I found myself realizing this is exactly what Satan tries to get us to do.  He wants us to think–“I will” is the right way to do things.  For a man it is exactly what our society teaches.  A man is to be strong so he can do whatever needs done.  If we are incapable of this we think we are a failure.  (I am truly expressing myself right now).  I know these are lies from Satan which I’ve believed all my life, but of late I am learning to reverse this thinking.

The word Compassion is a spiritual term.  Only in our heart (spirit) do we first know and experience compassion.  Living out compassion needs for us to stay in touch with our spirit and the spirit of those around us throughout each day.  Compassion is a power word because it comes directly from God’s nature.  When we allow ourselves to address the compassion our spirit senses from the motivation of The Holy Spirit it will be accompanied with power.  The power will not be enacted unless we act on whatever the compassion is compelling us to do.  Let me give a concrete example now.

The recovery ministries we do were first and foremost inspired from compassion.  In acting on them last winter we did a 6 week class for those interested to heighten the awareness of our sensitivity to the raw needs which we will be addressing.  The people who come will need compassion.  This summer in prepping myself with the curriculums we will be using I’ve allowed myself to become increasing fearful that I am inadequate–which in man’s terms–I am.  Man has layered the skillfulness of one another by the degrees we carry.  I’ve fed into man’s thinking.  In the past couple weeks God has been reawakening in me my need to stay in spirit and truth.  His truth is that He is the answer to these needs.  He is the Healer, not man’s counselors, etc.  Yes, they can be helpful but even my counselors weren’t my healers.  God multiplies the spiritual food we offer to these ones who will come and they are satisfied.  (Here I’m referencing to what I wrote yesterday).

There is so much God is helping me see about living in spirit and truth.  I can’t do this living as I’ve always done.  Staying sensitive to the spirit of the environment with those around me is critical.  I cannot expect what I see and hear to be my motivation.  Compassion is known from what our spirit senses.  Our spirit senses compassion need and then God gives us power to address the needs if we rely on The Holy Spirit’s prodding.  It is here we find what God desires us to address and then the power to address it.  I believe I will be here in this lesson for quite some time and it will be worth it all!

As I wrote yesterday’s blog I knew in my heart I was looking too much at man as I’ve been approaching the upcoming kick off of our Celebrate Recovery and especially the recovery groups.  My inadequacies have been screaming at me (fed by Satan’s deceptions I now know).  It was amazing to go to church and hear a sermon that did nothing but directly reinforce this.

Our pastor is focusing the sermon series for September around compassion.  It is a perfect theme for the month with us kicking off both of these recovery programs.  His sermon focus came from Mark 6:30-44—Feeding the 5000.  I’m going to hugely paraphrase but try to get the meaning across.  In this passage Christ asks the disciples about the amount of food within this huge group of followers who came to hear his teaching?  The disciples wanted Christ to send them away to get fed in the neighboring villages but Christ said he wanted them to feed the crowd.  When they reported to Christ there were 5 loaves and 2 fish, Christ had them bring the food to him and he broke the bread and divided the fish.  In so doing he fed everyone with 12 basketfuls left over.  The scripture says the people were satisfied.

As I was listening to this message I kept seeing myself wanting to gather more men around me to feed those coming for our recovery programs.  God has been telling me to “be still” which He did again this morning.  But, in my day I continue to try to appease my sense of inadequacies by trying to gather more expertise.  God is now saying to bring to Him what I have to feed the ones who come.  He will bless it and the ones who come will be satisfied.  This is not at all about me, it is all about me being willing to do what God asks and then let Him bless and feed–they will be satisfied.

I had thought God was likely done needing to teach me more before we started our new recovery classes.  However, this morning in my devotional time I knew there was more I was to learn.  It started when I was reading my devotional.  The message in it was being reliant on God and not on man.  We use others to support us.  However, we need to stay focused on the fact that support is not to be the core reason for what we do.  Following God’s leadership is why we do what we do.  The activities God has us do can become what we worship and idolize rather than God Himself.  My Bible reading today was starting the book of Isaiah.  Right off the bat Isaiah is telling the Israelites that God is not happy with their sacrifices.  The sacrifices have become simply a ritual with no heart in them.  They had become self-reliant on one another rather than helping one another see God in all they did.  Their purposes in living were driven by what man saw rather than what God saw.

As I was reading all of this I could hear God telling me that my eyes and my heart are to be solely on Him as we are to start these new recovery groups.  I tend to look ahead and see ones coming with problems bigger than the group leaders can handle since we are not professionals so we need that professional involvement with us.  God was pointing out that He wants me knowing these folks are coming with problems alright, but He is the One who prodded them to be there and He is their answer.  He will also prod the professional involvement as needed.  I don’t need to recruit them, He is already doing that.  I need only to welcome them and guide them to the right places and stop thinking it is my job to have all of this in place ahead of time.

My Bible reading ended with a reflection written by Joyce Meyers.  She was stating how God pulls away props in our own lives so we can become more reliant on Him only.  He wants us to become strong in this reliance on Him.  He calls this TRUST.  It is then we can be a good prop for a young one learning their walk with God.  I feel God has been pruning me to better understand and know this.  God is never done with us.  I can honestly say I am so glad too!

I awoke anxious again today.  It is Labor Day weekend but that didn’t matter.  I have things I want to do and things I want to enjoy and all of them were looking like “must do’s”.  As I started my devotions God simply said, “Why not turn this scene into a pristine one where each of these things to do get to be done out of pleasure rather than out of “must”?  Well, that’s all it took.  I get to enjoy this day.  I reread yesterday’s post and saw what I’d put from Joyce Meyer’s writing regarding the little foxes.  I was about to let those dang foxes win but God stepped in and gave perspective.  Boy is He a Good Dad!

Nineteen years ago today we buried my mom’s body and then had a celebration of her life.  This day it is as vivid in my mind as it was those 19 years ago.  Even though mom was 89 years old, none of us were ready for her departure.  It happened so suddenly.  All of us kids were looking forward to sharing her.  Dad had already been in the hospital for a couple weeks and we had been called to the hospital 3 or 4 times to give our good-byes.  However, it was not to be dad’s time.  Each one of them were ones where he rallied.  He ended living 3 years beyond mom before God took him home.

As I look back on these days I wouldn’t be as free today if God had arranged it differently with dad going first.  It was during dad’s days in the nursing home that I was able to finally confront him as my counselor had tried diligently to have me do.  I heard a line from dad I needed to hear directly from his voice.  He said, “I had told everyone I knew how proud I am of you, I guess I just forgot to tell you.”  Here I am 68 years old needing to know my dad was proud of me.  Well, it just doesn’t matter our age, we need to know we are loved and supported.  I got to hear that just a couple months before dad’s passing.  I will always be thankful for God’s timing.  He knew this for me and He knows this for each of us.  He is like that–A VERY GOOD DAD!

Today is a celebration!  It is my oldest daughter’s birthday.  She wouldn’t want me to put her age here so I’ll just let her do that part if she wants.  It makes a dad’s heart happy to see our kids doing well with their lives.  “Well” doesn’t mean a perfect life, but working to make the right decisions which honor God first and man second.  She does a good job working on this!

I started Song of Solomon this morning in my devotions.  It has always been to me the love story which is way too much like a chic-flick–it is so romantic that this guy I am thinks it is too overboard for me.  Well, tucked away in the middle of it is a nugget of wisdom I would have missed entirely if I hadn’t been reading it from the Joyce Meyer bible.  In chapter 2 verse 15 it says: “Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards for our vineyards are in blossom.”  Joyce writes a life point to this verse which I’m sure God wants each of us to better understand.  She says, “What this means is that people’s lives are typically not destroyed by what we would consider ‘big’ issues, but by a series of smaller, seemingly insignificant choices or compromises.  Watch for the little foxes in your life; forgive even the most minor offense so that your heart stays clean, do not cut corners in your finances or on the job when you think no one will notice, do not expose yourself to ungodly influences, thinking it won’t hurt me if I do it just this once.  Little thinks add up to big things, and before you know it little foxes can ruin a strong, healthy vine.”  Notice that the verse says the vineyard is in blossom.  Satan doesn’t want any fruit forming so he destroys all he can ahead of the fruit.

God really wanted me to read and process this today.  Yesterday was filled with little foxes.  Without going into it, I witnessed it happening last night with one of our Celebrate Recovery folks.  They simply left due to some circumstances, leaving Satan rejoicing–I’m quite certain.  It is the little things that go unattended and build up which almost always cause the significant damage.  I’m asking God to help me stop and deal with the little foxes when I see them.  I also want to help others stop and do the same.  This message is a tremendously strong recovery piece for which  I needed reminding. It is putting Godly Wisdom to work.

Yesterday turned out to be a remarkably good day.  I had 3 meetings for our recovery ministry groups which went well.  A retired counselor gave me a box of excellent resources we can use.  I was wanting to create a resource library for all the volunteers we have.  This will be a great start for it.  The two counselors who met with our group leaders last night also did an outstanding job.  I think they removed a good deal of anxiety for us.  It helps to know we have expertise right with us.

“Take every thought captive.”  II Corinthians 10:5.  This is the verse I’ve been working with for the 30 days to help me keep from stepping into anxiety and stress as we move into the start of our recovery work.  Every morning God reminds me to “be still and know that He is God.”  This always takes me to a place where I relax and surrender.  A good friend once told me that my anxiety was a gift in that it kept me focused on what is important when starting something new.  I don’t think it is anxiety when my mind is working to process all that needs to be done when getting something started well.  It is when I begin to doubt that I can do this that anxiety takes over.  This gift turns into a character flaw at that point.  This is what God helps with each morning when He reminds me to “be still–He is God”.  Surrendering all that is gripping me is done at this point.  Each day He brings me closer to Him by showing me how He completes His Work well.  An example yesterday was my email I wrote about.  My first attempt to address it took care of it.  I had prayed for God’s direction and that did it.

The week before we start the first groups, Sept. 11, I’ve asked a dear lady–prayer warrior to come and meet with all of us group leaders.  She is going to be helping us address spiritual warfare.  She is my prayer warrior and she gives me continuous  encouragement.

Lastly, this morning I was reading in Ecclesiastes.  The chapter was 11.  It is here Solomon writes about not waiting when God has called you into something with Him.  It would be so easy to walk away from this present work.  Satan does all he can to complicate and confuse.  However, God is very clear that today is the day He wants us moving forward with this.  The chapter starts off saying, “Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.”  This present bread is recovery from brokenness.  Casting this bread is hope for some very lost folks waiting to know they don’t have to live in the darkness they’ve hidden for so long.  I know this brokenness, darkness and I know this hiding.  God is calling us and I want nothing else but to obey.