Today is a new day.  The past couple days have started with a sense of anxiety that has been overwhelming each morning.  I’ve lived with this long enough to know I will move through the day in spite of it but I couldn’t put my finger on the “why” of it. Now I know.  Last night’s class was my first time to be able to simply work through the lesson on abuse with the men coming.  We started getting into the “why” we were in the class.  I found it amazing that two of us talked about the anxiety of doing this and the other two talked about their excitement to delve into it.  The emotions of man!

This morning the anxiety of the past couple days is gone.  Getting started last night exposing what is inside was simply freeing–hard at the time, but the after effect is freeing and this morning I feel calm and at ease.  Wow, God is so Amazing!

Yesterday, along with the class last night, I met with a man who wanted to talk through his present battle.  God was very present and I think he was able to get God’s Light in moving ahead.  I then stopped by my brother’s place to check in with him.  A week from today I will take him to this final doctor’s appointment so he can be released from the wheelchair (or I hope that is the outcome of the appointment).  It was so good to see him in good spirits and he demonstrated his ability to walk without any help–at least for a short distance.

Today I head to the high school of the district I’m assisting.  I’m needing to breathe deep and see what is needed as a 3-year assignment rather than a quick fix.  I’ve known it is a 3-year one, but my actions/thoughts have been to act quickly and get things moving.  I do know that there’s much to do in order to move.  I need to remember that starting slow and doing this thoroughly will lead to the ability to move quickly once we get our work well defined.

God is so good and I am learning to complete His assignments as such.  The idea I need to take the ropes from Him and do all the work is a new concept yet it is one I want to get much better at.  God will put these 3-years together and I need to do my work one day at a time with Him staying at the helm.

Yesterday’s work with the school was more perplexing than fun as I’d said in yesterday’s blog.  Yes, I do enjoy classroom observations, but it reminded me to pause on doing too much analysis from one visit.  There are so many elements which come into play in putting a lesson together and then teaching it.  I’ll want to spend more time before I should jump into any analysis.  Plus, all of this needs to directly involve the teachers and their new admin.  Just like the principal, only one of the teachers has been there for any length of time.  Everyone else acquired the learning gap the district has.  I know God has a plan for this and right now I strongly sense Him saying to get better acquainted before jumping into too much “telling”.

The uneasiness of having things to do but not being sure how to address them was hitting me hard last night.  The Christmas program rehearsals have begun.  Even though I don’t have a major role, there are still several songs to memorize.  I’m also asked to sing a solo with our choir in a few weeks which also requires memorization.  These added to yesterdays complexity and then today meeting with a Celebrate Recovery man who is troubled and wants to talk, I woke in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  I felt anxious and unable to handle what is on the plate.  Even though I attempted to “let them go” I kept hanging onto them.  This morning as I journaled about all of this God simply reminded me these are His items and my assignments for doing my part.  He never gives us more than we can handle.  He is always with us.  Satan does have a hay day at moments like last night.  However, this morning I am reminded of who is ultimately in control.  It isn’t as though I don’t have 68 years of experiencing God win out.  Satan wants me to believe all the lies he plants in my mind or that my “old-self mind” wants to conger up.

Today I’m a new creation and going to live in this belief I know is true.  In this there is great freedom.  I choose to be free as Christ has set me free!

I’m stymied this morning with the writing of this blog.  I have random thoughts going through my head but they do not connect to a meaningful thread.  Yesterday was a blessed day in many ways.  The birthday of my oldest granddaughter–turning 17 years old.  She is one of those jewels I wrote about yesterday.

Today I go to the elementary school in the district for which I work.  The principal and I will be going into each of the teacher’s rooms observing what is taking place instructionally and particularly looking for effectiveness in the instruction’s relevance to what students are to know.  I actually love this type of work.  It is fun to see kids well engaged in learning and its also fun to see teachers engaged in teaching that helps kids see lights clicking on with new knowledge and the application of that knowledge.  I still love new learning today and the use of it.  I suppose that is why all the new technology is fun for it certainly brings new learning opportunities for us.

God has made learning enjoyable when we are learning for the right reasons.  Satan has all these devious deterrents for kids and us.  Learning that turns out to be selfish and hinders us–turns into bad habits and leads us into bondage.  God’s learning is always done in LIGHT.  It is learning that we can share with others and others profit because we do share it.  As I write this I can see the missing thread from the first paragraph.  It is LIGHT.  Learning that is healthy has no walls around it blocking LIGHT.  However, Satan’s evil always blocks LIGHT.  I want to keep this mental picture in the forefront of my day.

This morning as I was reading in Jeremiah, God is telling the captured Israelites to multiply in their new location–Babylon.  He is using Jeremiah to pass this message along to them.  The means in which God communicates this message leaves me seeing that children and grandchildren are jewels.  He wanted them to prosper in this new territory because in due time He would bring them back to Israel.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:  “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.”  There are so many times in my younger years I read this or heard this from a pastor’s sermon.  I didn’t know how to translate it into meaning for me.  I would think there may be some hope for me with all my hidden filth but there would be no way God could prosper me while I kept the ugliness a secret.  God just doesn’t bless filthy rags I KNEW.  Somehow though, God has taken what I knew was filth and turned it into a message of love and support.  He hasn’t just done this for me but for those He wanted my story to help.  I can’t fathom how He does this, but He just does.  Yes, we have to eventually take the steps I’ve learned to take trusting that the verse in Jeremiah is true– “…plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.”  I feel as though I’m living today in the final outcome days.  The bondage I’ve known is gone and instead of bondage it’s a message being used to help others.  It’s a message of FREEDOM.

God is truly AMAZING!

As I begin this entry today I type the title and then ponder, continues from what?  Instantly I know the what but I don’t often put it in the blog.  I never want to lose sight of the freedom God is granting me from the mental torment and bondage I lived with all my life.  Freedom from the grip of addiction: pornography on the internet; freedom from the fear of someone always lurking close by wanting to take advantage of me somehow; freedom from the fear that I’d never be free from the voices of dad in my head criticizing every decision and thought I had, often paralyzing me.  There is more but this is enough.  These days are now much behind me.  Yes, there are moments in a week when they start but for most of them I am able to put them at bay right then.

Freedom is never something to take for granted.  There is always a battle, and sometimes many battles, to be fought in order to gain freedom.  For me, most of my battles were already fought through Christ’s Work on the Cross.  I was the one who didn’t accept them nor did I know how to accept His Work.  Once I let go of believing the sin of my brother to my body was not my sin and that the criticism of dad was his sin, not my makeup, I began to find greater freedom.

Much of the freedom is crippled by being owned by fear.  Now that fear is on the outside of me rather than inside owning me, I can see this.  It is one of the greatest reasons my journey to freedom exists.  I wake up each morning with fears wanting me to believe them as true.  This morning God reminded me that evil is present always around us.  Know this.  But, also know that The Holy Spirit living within us recognizes the evil and will deal with it if we surrender the fear to Him rather than battle the lie ourselves.  We do this by trusting The Holy Spirit and telling Him to take care of the lie and then moving forward with what God has in store for the day.

I am only one step away from the torment of my past.  But, now that I know I am a new creation and this new creation is not one of fear, but one filled with God’s Holy Spirit who has already won the battle, I move forward with victory rather than the fear of another defeat.  Join me in this belief if this torment is still within you.  God does not wanting you or me believing there is no peace this side of death for there is GREAT PEACE when we can let it go!

Last night was Celebrate Recovery.  We had our kickoff a week ago so the lesson last night was lesson #1–DENIAL.  There is so much in this lesson that is finally being understood by me.  It all started for me as we read Principle 1–“Know I am not God….”  I have had no idea how much the abuse of my past taught me hang-ups I’ve needed to address.  In this sense of powerlessness I learned to take tight control of what goes on around me so I could keep my sense of power/control once I was able to grow past the years of abuse.  I’ve never wanted to be a control freak, but as much as possible I’ve either said yes to what I care little about and hold fast to what I care a great deal about.  All this time God has been wanting me to recognize a huge piece about HIM.  He can be in control and I can TRUST HIM to be.  The peace of mind, the contentment one wants when a job is finished, the people around you don’t need to be controlled by me (us).  God wants to take control of these items.  He wants me to simply do the job He’s given me at the time in whatever circumstance.

Now that I see this about myself much more clearly I can see my sin of selfishness.  If I choose to control for selfish sake I sin.  If God has led me into a something He wants done I need to do this as He shows me.  The amazing thing is that it never appears selfish to anyone involved when God’s Work is being completed.  Last night I knew a small group of us needed to meet and address “an elephant in the room”.  I had told the group a week ago we would meet last night ahead of Celebrate Recovery’s dinner time.  It wasn’t easy to get everyone at the table, for some, I could tell, were trying to avoid it.  However, once we were all at the table and we identified the problem, it was owned and addressed.  We were completing what God wanted to have happen.

There is a huge difference between obedience to God and obedience to self.  On the exterior one might look the same until you see the outcome.  God’s Holy Spirit does bring harmony when we are all tuned into Him and His assignments for us.

The little tests of life God gives us.  I walked straight into one of these yesterday and found myself wanting to respond to it in my willfulness.  Instead, I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me to slow down.  I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I wasn’t to give my “Earnie response” at that moment.

The test came from my day with the school yesterday.  I had told the principal I wanted to observe the core teachers (ones teaching English, Math, Science & Social Studies) both in the junior high and in the high school.  I had the class schedule so I had prepared a schedule for us which had us in each classroom from 30-45 mins per teacher.  By the time the day ended we were mentally drained.  After each observation we had taken time to talk through what we’d seen and what effectiveness from student learning was visible.  As soon as we got back to the office from the last one the principal needed to conduct a fire drill.  When we sat down together following that he said, “You know, we have 3 years for this project.  We can slow down a little.”  My instant response wanted to be, “Are you kidding?  Yes, we have 3 years, but in them we are to bring student learning in a years time to reflect strong achievement instead of little or no achievement.  Then we are to build a pattern for which this will maintain itself so others can follow it with our without us.”  I knew this response was me, so all I said at the time was, “Well that’s true.”  I knew I needed to address it but not with those words.

This morning in talking with God about it He reminded me how most of us live life.  Our sense of urgency is more about secular things:  getting to work on time, taking our lunch on time, making appointments on time, etc.  God’s sense of urgency is His Kingdom Work.  However, when we join Him in it, there is no sense of urgency unless His Spirit has inspired that sense.  The Holy Spirit’s sense of urgency is all about the individual’s readiness to receive Him.  God seemed to be saying to help them see the value of the change.  It is in value we find urgency.  If something is valuable and we don’t have it but could have it, we build a plan to get it.  So help them see the value in helping kids learn well and all that is to be taught.  Experience the joy of seeing kids learn and then use their learning.  This is the joy of teaching.  This is intrinsic and that is exactly where God works–inside us.

With all of that I’m reframing my approach for next week.  Learning selflessness and leaning solely on God’s leadership is going to take me a while–likely the rest of my life.  However, I want to know God’s urgency and live it out rather than my urgency and try to force it out.

I’m amazed at the consistency of God and that our living each day proves what He says is exactly what will happen.  An example, yesterday I wrote that I want to be obedient to Him in all of my life.  Today’s devotion is about God’s testing moments to see just how committed one might be.  The example is given of Peter’s statement of never denying Christ yet when the test came, that is exactly what he did.  He learned from the test, but the tests come so that we can either learn and improve our walk or walk away.  I had a couple of those tests yesterday.  They weren’t of the significance of Peter but they were nonetheless–a test.

Last night was night two of our recovery classes.  I had said I’d have babysitting present for the first couple nights in case anyone came needing it.  Last week I had ones present for the daycare and the need wasn’t there so they left.  The thought of having babysitting never crossed my mind again until last night 5 kids were present due to newcomers.  They offered to go home and start next week but I needed to stand true to my word so I left my group to the co-leader and babysat for a couple hours.  It turned into a great couple hours for me.  It also embedded into my memory bank that I won’t let this happen again!  Selfishly, I didn’t want to miss the group’s lesson, however, God wanted me to be faithful to my commitment.  I learned a good lesson.

We actually had 6 new ones come last night for our classes.  One class which had no one last week had 3 last night.  That was great.  It does pay to be faithful to God and wait for His timing–relying & trusting Him.  He is the One Who works in the hearts of man preparing them for their next steps with Him.  He wants us to be present and patient while He is Working.  I want to remain being a faithful and good servant.

Today is not different than yesterday in that I am consumed with this realization that man is totally selfish.  Selfishness put into action becomes a sin.  It robs us of the joy God is waiting for us to find from being obedient to Him and discovering the fruits of obedience.  When I am selfish God simply waits for me to stumble and awaken to the fact I am much better off when I am responding to Him rather than to my own selfishness.

The bible defines the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.  I’m noting this morning that the fruit of obedience  for us is completing what the Spirit of God is nudging us to complete.  For me this doesn’t just mean what I “do” (that part is much more natural for me for I enjoy doing).  The part that will take time is “being” (that part is much more difficult).  Being silent and waiting, being patient when there are things to get done when the timing of them is not up to me, etc.  These things I tend to push through to get to completion only to find there is then no joy in completing them.  People are frustrated and sometimes mad that they were made to complete something they felt was irrelevant.

This morning I wrote in my journal that I want to join God’s selfishness.  God is balanced in all ways.  His selfishness is never what ours is–something only done to gratify me.  Even when God tells us to worship Him, in so doing, it completes a need in us.  His selfishness is not just about Him but about Him and us.  This need is recognizing that I am incomplete in and of myself.  When I worship God I am letting Him know I love Him for completing in me what I cannot do for myself.

I have so much to learn in this area.  I’m sure God will be teaching me here and opening my eyes to so much more in the days, weeks, years ahead.  For now, I am grateful to be awakening to being a much greater servant for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and responding to His Gift–The Holy Spirit which He gave to me and to each of us when we invited Him to live in our heart.

The journey for today continues to be selfishness.  Yesterday afternoon and evening our church sponsored a leadership training.  This has been happening for a while now, every 3 months.  Last night was Kathy and my last session–#4.  Its topic was “My Faith Story”.  The purpose is to help one see that in potential relationships God places around us, it is stepping into our story which opens the door for others to share their own.  I found it to be much like how Celebrate Recovery works.  When CR’s step studies end the attendees are encouraged to take an additional step–write their testimony of God’s work in their lives addressing their hurts, hang-ups and habits.  This testimony is then to be shared with the large group.  Over the ten years of our ministry I have seen scores of our people share their stories and I’ve then witnessed the effects of this sharing.  Even in my own case I find that when I share my story it never fails to have others coming to tell me private things they “haven’t told anyone as of yet”.

In order to even start a relationship with someone one must take the step of initiating a conversation or responding to someone who might initiate one with you.  More than anything, it is responding to the nudges The Holy Spirit gives us in all aspects of our lives.

This topic of selfishness is talking loudly to me these past few days.  Jeremiah is telling the people of Judah their sacrifices are half-hearted as I’m reading it presently in my devotional time.  Joyce Meyer writes in regards to this how God spoke to her regarding her own selfishness in this area. God despises half-hearted efforts to please Him.  He wants us to be sold out to Him.  If we are to live in the new creation God gave us through His Son Jesus Christ we cannot choose when we are going to be obedient to His Spirit’s nudges.  He asks us to be obedient and to then TRUST that His nudges to address His Work even though we may not see any relevance at the time.  This is true whether it is at home with family, at work, at play….  God is always present and His Holy Spirit is always within us.  I asked God this morning to help me today to do as it says in the latter part of the Serenity Prayer:  “Take one day at a time, one moment at a time–accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.”  For me, the hardship is often taking the first step into obedience.  This is my new assignment in addressing my selfishness.