When I was in junior high and high school I use to greatly enjoy track.  I’m not good in many sports and I don’t have much interest in them.  But, when it came to track and gymnastics I liked them a lot.  I suppose that was in part because I was fairly good at them.  Hurdles were one of the ones I did enjoy and I also won in them.  Of course it was never in competition except during PE class because we could never stay after school for sports.  We had cows to milk and dad wasn’t one to do our chores so we could participate in sports.

I write this little sports item because this morning I’ve been reflecting a moment on this year of 2018.  At the beginning of each year I have a hope that the year will be one of joy and fulfillment.  If someone asked me what that would look like I’d say something like–trouble free.  As I was having my devotions I read about all the issues the Jews were having as they had gone back to Jerusalem to rebuild the temple (found in Ezra).  The local foreigners didn’t want it rebuilt.  They feared the God who lived in it and who was worshipped in it by the Jews.  They did much to stop or delay its reconstruction.  Joyce Meyer says in a script she wrote that we often want to avoid at all cost the obstacles which look like conflict and work.  However, God wants us to face them.  It is in facing them and overcoming them that we find victory and we can see Him at His Work.

These hurdles in life are to be faced and jumped.  Just like running the hurdles in PE, there is joy when one gets to the end of the race and you have completed the jumps which are now behind you and not facing you.  I needed this message this morning.  These fears I’ve been writing about the past couple days are hurdles.  I’ve avoided so many hurdles in my past by denying their existence or simply trying to skirt around them, but now God wants me facing them.  His Work He has me doing isn’t about denying or skirting anymore.  If I’m going to be helping others face their demons I need to face my own.  So, this morning God and I decided we like jumping hurdles and finding the victory which comes at the end of the race.  Ready–Set–Go!

FEAR–does it ever go away?  I suppose not in this human life we live.  I awoke early this morning battling it.  I was able to surrender it but it didn’t dissipate.  As I got up and had my devotions I found fear dominating my scripture reading.  I’ve finished II Chronicles and started Ezra.  Ezra 3:3 states, “…for fear was upon them….”  Joyce Meyer has a footnote which says, “God moves on our behalf when we focus on Him instead of on our fears.  The feeling of fear or fearful thoughts is simply our enemy Satan trying to distract us from God and His will for our lives.  We would do well to follow the Israelites’ example in Ezra 3:3 and focus on God, worshipping Him with all our hearts….”

Being much more awake to my feelings as I am today I recognize fear for what it is.  I also recognize how much I do struggle with it and have done so all my life.  I was in denial of it for most of my life.  I had it walled off just like I did so many other feelings.  It is good to know it is only a temptation.  Satan plants the seed for it just as Joyce said.  He wants to distract me from God’s leading in my life.

I was journaling about all of this following my scripture reading.  God guided my thoughts to His Son’s response in the garden where he went following the last supper with his disciples.  Even Christ had his moments of fear and struggle.  But, what did he do with it?  He took it to His Father just as God is wanting me (us) to do with it.  Christ was completing His work for His Father.  God is wanting us to do the same as He guides us each and every day.  When I was a boy the fears I had left me helpless for I had no control over the days and the outcomes of them.  However, that is not the case any longer.  I know now (or am learning) to surrender these fears to God and to also let them go.  Instead of hanging onto them, I thank God for what He is preparing to do with all that Satan wants me to be anxious about.  God is ALMIGHTY and He wants me remembering it each and every day.

God is Almighty!  With His presence and with His command entire armies are defeated and have been defeated over and over again.  The stronghold of my heart is being done away with too by this Almighty God.

As I wrote yesterday’s blog I had come up against some personal beliefs I had not overcome about me and my worthiness of God’s use.  The simple fact that sin still exists in my life at times and that temptations of sin are present too routinely keep me in constant anxiety.  What if I slip into sin again?  I will need to be cast out.  Writing yesterday’s truth about my heart freed me to come face to face with God about this fear and unworthiness.

During the day God showed me much about His intimacy and how I can trust it as genuine and steadfast.  Man is selfish in his intimacy and interpretation of it, but not God.  Man also sees intimacy too often as sexual only.  God sees it and wants me to see it as trust and faith in every aspect of living with and for Him.  He also wants me to see that my life with the family He has given me can be just as trusted as my life with Him can be trusted.  I can anchor into all of this.

Intimacy was never known to me as a child.  My sexual abuse started before I was old enough to know anything about intimacy.  The verbal abuse from dad about who I am was so laden with dad’s disgust that I never began to develop any kind of assuredness that I’m OK.  Then my divorce after 7 years of marriage cinched it for me.  I was unworthy of love and couldn’t be trusted with love.

Now God is proving to me He didn’t make any mistake.  Man’s lack of nurture and love was used by Satan to build a belief system where Satan could easily manipulate what I believe and how far I could go in serving God.  Well, God is shattering all of that old man belief!  How much I love and appreciate this Almighty God we serve!  His ALMIGHTY is just as powerful in the loving details of our lives as it is in the vastness of creating our universe.  How much I want to love and serve Him well!

Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday.  She is 32 today.  It was 32 years ago when we got the call that our baby to be adopted was born.  We would be able to pick her up from the hospital the next morning.  She was 20 hours old when Kathy, Amy, Amber and I arrived to receive into our arms–Angie.  Boy, how quickly 32 years fly by!

This journey of life God has for me is somehow wanting me to know God Almighty as Almighty.  It has been almost two years since God had me start journaling specifically to Him rather than to His Son Jesus.  In this time I’ve found Father God as intimate, loving, merciful, and gracious.  In my head I know that God is Almighty.  However, somehow, He is wanting me to know in my heart that He is Almighty.  I write this and at the same time question how I can know this in my heart?  God seems to be emphasizing to me in my devotional time that He wants me to be as grounded on His being Almighty as I’ve become regarding His Love.

Yesterday afternoon I spent about an hour and a half with the one who is leading with me the recovery group this fall for homosexuality.  As I’ve been going through the curriculum we will use I am challenged over and over to see deeply into my past finding God at all levels of the abuse from both my brother and my dad.  In the past 10 years of Celebrate Recovery and the additional years of counseling/therapy, I have found God to be just what He promises through His Son Jesus.  I don’t question at all in my mind about God being Almighty.  What I don’t know at this moment is His Almighty using me.  It is not about Him so much as Him and “me”.  Somehow I find myself separating me from God when I see Him being Almighty.  Of course He is, but can I be used by this Almighty God?  I write this and my anxiety rises 10 fold.  Can God be Almighty and use me at the same time?  I know I am facing many “demons” in my belief system.  Writing this shows me how much I must surrender so God can cast these out.  He wants me believing in Him and He wants me seeing myself being used by Him.

I am truly into new territory as I write this morning’s blog.  I do sense I’m not here abandoned as I’ve always sensed in my past when starting new things.  I will begin this day praising God Almighty for showing me what Almighty means even before I can put any words to it.  Thank you Father God—ALMIGHTY!

A few years ago God brought this wonderful couple to our church, one as the worship pastor and her husband as an associate pastor who works with our Celebrate Recovery and adult ministries.  I’ve grown to love and deeply appreciate them both.  It wasn’t too long after they’d come that they did a devotion for the choir at a practice.  In the devotion they brought out the fact that when Joshua was about to lead the people of Israel into the promise land to first fight Jericho he had the “choir” lead the people into the flood waters of the Jordan River.  When the choir stepped into it, the waters parted.  They reminded us that we as a choir do the same parting of the raging waters for those who enter the sanctuary each Sunday.  Worshiping our great God with singing sets the heart for worship regardless of the storm raging within.

Today as I’m reading about King Jehoshaphat in II Chronicles I see where he was told to prepare for battle by first praising God.  God had told Jehoshaphat in II Chronicles 20:15, “… The Lord says this to you:  Be not afraid or dismayed at this great multitude for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” Then in verse 21 it says, “… he appointed singers to sing to the Lord and praise Him in their holy garments as they went out before the army, saying, Give thanks to the Lord, for His mercy and loving kindness endure forever!”  Vs 22 goes on to say, “And when they began to sing and to praise, the Lord set ambushments against the men of Ammon, Moab, and the Mount Seir who had come against Judah….”

As I read and processed all of this, this morning I was nudged to thank God for the opportunity to serve Him through the torment of my past childhood.  In fact, as I began to do this I then was nudged to thank Him for the very torment.  Without it I would never know the heart I know today.  I would not know the heart that understands the wounded from abuse, the fearful soldier who thinks he is less than any other soldier around him, the person still trying to work their way into worthiness, the man or woman who seemingly runs to their present sins repeating those sins done to them.  God wants us to use our past for His Kingdom Work.  In surrendering all I tried to hide, God now wants it used for Him.  How miraculous is this God we serve!  Most importantly, I’m learning to do all of this in song and praise.

There is nothing like a house full of company from morning until after dark to drain all energy.  The day yesterday was fun and filled with friends and family.  The pool was filled with kids, grandkids and friends.  The sounds coming from it are what motivate me to keep it.  I need those reminders that the work of maintaining it is worth the effort.

My energy level this morning wasn’t its typical–lets get things going.  I felt more like the need for some rest was in order.  As I did my scripture reading God is still making it clear that He only honors what is done from a heart seeking after Him.  He is truly patient giving man opportunities over and over to come to Him, but in the end, if man doesn’t, He will let the ways of man have their consequences.

As I began to journal all my fears of the upcoming ministry classes hit me again.  I asked God about these fears of mine and He simply said that the fears are reflective of my thinking I am the one in charge of them.  My insecurities are embedded in this ownership thinking.  When I release this thinking to the reality that God is in charge and I am on assignment doing what He wants me doing to facilitate their development, I move freely.  I needed to be reminded of this yet again.  Then I reread what God had provided in the way of additional help for us on Tuesday.  Only two days later I’m feeling insecure again.  I hate admitting I have all the weaknesses of man.  God is pointing out to me that I have always compared myself to dad.  Now He is showing me that when I take my focus off of dad and onto Him I can have continued confidence when I let go of “control”.  He doesn’t want me leading to control, but leading from obedience to Him.

Man is flawed–flesh is flawed and has its many weaknesses.  However, God looks at our hearts.  Just read through I & II Samuel, I & II Kings and I & II Chronicles to see how God only blessed them according to their hearts towards Him.  This practice of God is still the same today.  He honors our sensitive hearts knowing He will fight all the battles, for these battles are spiritual ones.  I choose today to keep my heart focused on these truths.

LET FREEDOM RING!  From the roof tops to the mountaintops, to the valley and even to the cripple’s wheelchair.  Freedom is for all.  In II Chronicles I’ve finished today reading to the 12th chapter.  In them David and Solomon have ruled and the evidence of their commitment to God is everywhere.  Then Rehoboam arrives, the kingdom splits and the strength of the country quickly weakens as the Egyptians come and rob the country and start to make vassals of it.  I can read a hundred years of biblical history in a half hour.  That’s 40% of our country’s entire history.  Just in my lifetime I’ve witnessed our country’s pinnacle of strength and then the beginning of its decline.  It all has to do with our leadership’s focus on God alone.  Not any god, but the One True God who gave us His Son Jesus who died and rose again!  As our focus shifts to other gods and to man’s ways, bondage sets in.

Yesterday I had told you about my fear of assembling benches.  As I got to the church they were going to have plenty of help assembling so I was given something I can do well–clean.  I washed down no less than 50 metal doors, 150 chairs and then mopped floors.  That is what I can do well.  The blessing I encountered was having a couple volunteers present who can and will give assistance to our new recovery program.  One is a licensed counselor who recently retired.  She has a partner who is still practicing and his forte is sexual addiction.  They agreed to meet with our group leaders to give us stronger backgrounds in the areas we will address.  Since the one has retired, she is gifting many of her books to our ministry’s work.   Also, I’m able to take a 4 week training on facilitating groups on abuse.  This will be on-line.  I’ll do this with one of the other group leaders.  It was a wonderful day where all I wanted to do is get through it and instead, God gave many blessings.

Freedom comes from obedience first and foremost.  The obedience for us is first of all to God and His leadership in our life.  Bondage comes when our obedience shifts to selfishness and obeying what man’s ways say which misalign with God’s ways.  Each one of us has to do this personally for our daily living and then we have to help our communities and country do the same through our influence daily living.  For me, God wants me helping others find their personal freedom from bondage which is gripping them.  God continues to make this Light shine brightly.

The title of my devotional this morning is Strongholds.  Boy, do I ever relate to this topic!  I have had an abundance of strongholds in my life.  Some of them have been about habits such as fleeing to porn when I felt burdened or feeling less than others.  More for me have been the character defects I’ve developed (not on purpose) over the years.  These defects are all about my thinking process regarding my value and my capabilities.

Today’s devotional goes on to say that God’s Holy Spirit is given to us to complete Him in us.  All of these strongholds are built on lies which Satan and man have caused us to act on or to believe.  It has taken me all of my adult years to see the truth in these.  Character defects have been something I’ve stayed in denial to.  Even though I’d say I’m not good at something like assembling a kit, inside I’d feel like I’m hugely inferior to anyone else that can do this so I’d just keep it at a joking level so I wouldn’t feel the pain.

Today God is wanting me to realize that He placed His Holy Spirit in me to complete Himself in me–who He created me to be.  I’m going to our church to ASSEMBLE benches which will be used in our new children’s department wing we’ve added to our church.  I woke this morning hours before I needed to be up anxious about putting myself in this position.  I wrestled with God about it during this time in the night and He assures me I won’t be made a fool.  Instead He wants me to simply be there.  He nudged me to say yes to going a week ago so I finally yesterday said I’d go.  I do trust God and I know it sounds so silly to be so paranoid about something like this–yet I can’t be in denial to it.  I’m praying that I can actually begin to step out of the lie into an understanding that I don’t have to be a genius about something in order to help with it.

OK, so I’ve said it/confessed it.  I’m not going to let this bondage own me as it has.  This 68 year old man is going to assemble benches today from boxes of parts.  I won’t flee–I will stay.  If you wrestle with character defects such as I do, I pray God’s Holy Spirit will give you enough confidence to step into the defect with Him.  I know that it is in surrender that we overcome.  I don’t want to own the defect of character, I want to own the freedom from it so I’m stepping into it!

Getting older is not the issue as much as getting older and losing our attachment to life around us.  With all my grandkids it is harder to do all the things they do while playing.  However, what I can do is watch and talk with them about their play and keep emotionally attached.  Staying interested in who they are is most important.  This I want to do for each of them.

This journey in life has some awakenings which I need to adjust to.  Keeping details in my memory is one of them.  It hit me as I was going to bed last night what I need to get done for a couple important projects forthcoming with our recovery ministry.  My wife already is good at keeping her list either in her phone or on paper.  I am not as good at doing this but I need to begin.  Giving in to being older and its side effects is not something I’m ready to accommodate nor do I think I should.

God’s presence is all around us which includes His work.  This connection to our family is critical in God’s Kingdom Work.  I want to keep it healthy but also directly doing what God prompts.  Right now He is simply saying to stay connected with each of them from the littlest to the oldest.

Well, 68 years ago today my dad and oldest brothers were fishing and my two oldest sisters helped deliver me in the doctor’s office in Homedale, Idaho.  I never have heard how many fish dad caught that day, but he did come home to his 10th big prize–ME!

I can write such a thing now.  It took a long, long time for me to know that dad loved me and even admired me.  It also took me even longer to begin to love myself since I had always thought dad didn’t love or admire anything about me.  It was my Heavenly Father who has brought me to my personal understanding of value.  This tremendously great Father for whom we all share, has created each of us with love and purpose.  He has gifted us differently to fulfill His purposes.  These past few days of God focusing me on the damage of my personal pride trying to protect me and my need to let all of that go, has now allowed me to see how much more fulfilling life is knowing God Almighty is my protector and true Father.  This I can take great pride in!

I’m so grateful for God my Father and His Son Jesus Christ.  Along with this I’m equally grateful for The Holy Spirit.  I’m just beginning to have a clearer understanding of His importance in me.  I truly want to grow in knowing this Precious Gift God has given me and each of us as we accept Christ into our heart.  The greatest gift of all–birthday or not.