Well, Herb’s surgery went extremely well yesterday.  Even though he is 81 and soon to be 82, the surgeon said his bones were as healthy as someone in their 20’s so he could screw into them the repairs needed.  He assured everyone he would heal well as long as he followed the recovery principles they’d teach him when he leaves the hospital.  This was all such good news.  Thanks for prayers and for God’s handiwork!

As I was rereading my blog of yesterday and processing my morning’s devotion today I realized I touched upon a huge item that God is not even close to being done addressing.  This has to do with making me “a fertile garden”.  I mentioned yesterday regarding the song which stated the message.  I then went into the “feeding faith and starving fear”.  This morning God was showing me that it is in feeding faith by trusting completely in Him that He creates this fertile garden. Faith is a garden’s fertilizer.  It is through starving fear that I weed the garden.  Eventually when one diligently weeds a garden that the amount of weeds dwindle and the garden takes over them.  I know this very well in real-life gardening.  By now I do little weeding and mostly harvesting in my garden.  However, in the spring I need to weed often to keep them from taking control.

It is in my mind that I am very susceptible to fear/weeds.  Joyce Meyers says we need to say out loud these fears and confess them.  I do this at times when I get overwhelmed with them.  But, my pride doesn’t want to confess I let them dominate me to the point of being overwhelmed.  My new commitment is to tell the fear early on so the weeds cannot choke out the trust I’d want in my mind.  I will not only confess fear but I will also state out loud my trust.  Yesterday, spending the day in the hospital, I heard several times the word fear from others around me.  When I heard it from them I could easily address it as such and help them process the fear to trust.  However, I am not good at doing this for myself.  I need others to help me by my saying the fear out loud to them.  So this is my new assignment.  I’m fertilizing my garden!

Today is Herb’s, my brother’s, surgery.  It is suppose to be at 10 am.  Shortly, Kathy and I will go pick up his wife Glenda and head to the hospital.  I have a strong peace about all of this.  God is in complete control.  I love this about Him.

Last night at Celebrate Recovery we sang a song that really resonated with me.  I can’t recall the name of it or I’d tell you here.  I had heard the chorus of it but the verses were new to me.  In them the words were about believing God can make a garden of our lives for feeding others.  I thought when I read them that somehow I’d love for that to be true of me knowing this is what God wants to do for each of us.  The lesson last night was GIVE.  In the lesson the best gift we can give is sharing our personal story of God’s GRACE helping us to overcome whatever Hurt, Hang-up, Habits we struggle with or which have owned us.  The lesson made me realize I’d spent most of my life giving so I could hopefully be good enough for God to use me.  Instead, God has been wanting to rearrange my thinking and believing.  I needed to know that my giving would never make me worthy.  Christ dying on the Cross of Calvary did that for me.  My giving should be done in thanksgiving for Christ’s Giving for me and for each of us.

Now this morning, in my devotional, I was challenged by the message centered around “feed a cold and starve a fever”.  However, the author rearrange the message to be:  “feed a faith and starve a fear”.  When I asked God how all of this tied together He pointed out that the garden of my life still had a taproot needing to be uprooted.  This root has to do with my fears.  I still have many fears I confess haunting me.  As we get closer to the start of our recovery ministries my fears are driving me nuts inside.  I’ve been feeding those fears too rather than feeding faith.  Today, God showed me my need to let go of feeding the fears so I can start believing fully that He is in control of these ministries just like I know He is in control of my brother’s surgery.  This new ministry is not being built on me so I can let all of that go.  I am a servant of God doing my part and I will let Him do His.  Boy, did I need to hear this and do I ever need to now keep focused on feeding the Faith!

Today is one of those days when prioritizing is a real issue.  Maybe more folks are this way than I think, but I tend to make the priority whatever is connected to what I call work.  The ministry things I do somewhat fall into that category.  But, right now with my brother in the hospital, it seems I ought to be making family top the list.  There several things I had already scheduled for today and tomorrow conflicting with this family crisis.  I know in my heart to rearrange them, but in my head it seems I’m slacking if I do this.  I’m not my dad I keep reminding myself.  I always saw him as lazy when it came to following through with work and I’m driven to never look like him.  Dad was good at giving attention to family when it was hurting.  This characteristic is a strength which I need and want to have.  I just need to remember that not all about dad was weak.  Satan would want me hanging onto this but I easily see this now from journaling about it this morning and now writing it here in the blog.

This morning I’m going to my brother’s house to help my sis in law with some chores.  I had called one of my pastor friends who is going to visit my brother in the hospital.  He is going this morning.  In talking with my brother yesterday morning he even said it was difficult to talk with family about some things.  I knew what he meant.  I asked if he’d be ok having a pastor come to talk with him?  He said that would be fine so it is happening this morning.  God is and has been working on my brother so I’m praying the time will be good for him to see God in a very different light than when he was raised in our home and in the church of that day.

God keeps reminding me to “Be still, the Lord is on your side.”  This hymn runs through my mind and it brings a great deal of peace in so doing.  God is so good when we give Him the chance to be not only our daily Guide, but our Comforter too.

Yes, the journey continues and it is all about living life one day at a time.  The only true thing different about living the journey today and living it before recovery is not living any longer in denial.  Denial is a big area.  In it one doesn’t face the reality of life within him and he also keeps trying to stuff/hide what does creep to the surface.

This morning I am experiencing lots of emotional struggles.  I recognize them as Satan’s ploys and have given them to God to handle.  He has made it abundantly clear to follow His Light in this even when darkness wants to overshadow all of it.

I got a call last night that my oldest living brother fell from the back of his boat yesterday and broke his pelvis.  He is in the hospital in Boise so I’m headed there this morning.  I know he will be in a fit because he hates those places, but….

This week is the wrap-up for the on-line training I’m doing in support of one of our recovery groups.  It is the one for abuse.  It is beautifully done.  I wish men weren’t so stubborn about their own abuse for those who have experienced it.  We could be so much healthier if this weren’t the case.  Yet, as we begin this fall, I do pray the men God is nudging will take the step to seek His healing.  This curriculum is superb and God has a path to His Light when we only know Satan’s darkness in this area we have kept in denial all of our life.  It is time for the Light to penetrate this darkness.

“Let Your Light so shine before men, that they may see Your Good works, and glorify your Father which in in heaven.”  Matthew 5:16.

The days seem to click by so quickly, yet within each of them is 24 hours for man to choose to honor God or turn away.  I write this because I’m finding this just too true.  I had a meeting with a couple of our leaders who wanted to talk to me.  In it I found I have an individual who is denying some of their behaviors.  I will meet with them this week and have the needed conversation.  How much we want to please God, but, at the same time, the choices to please self (flesh) continue to scream–choose me!  As much as we may want to be a leader in God’s Kingdom work, we have to not deny what our actions are.  These are tough but I know how important it is to have one’s own truth brought into the Light of Jesus Christ.  In it there is healing once we face it.  Sometimes we just need to accept help for a longer period to find the needed sobriety before beginning leadership.  I also need to remember this so I don’t push someone into leading before their time of readiness is complete.

Satan never quits his devious, sinful work.  How I hate this.  When I was in administration full-time I would have to face difficult, conflict situations.  Almost all the time they would end with healing.  There would be those times which wouldn’t end as such, however, but they had to be dealt with nonetheless.  Over time, when I’d do the right thing, what I thought would be a wall forever would turn out to be something God used.  Sometimes I’d even hear about this use.  Well, no matter the outcome, I know I need to address the item of yesterday’s meeting and that I will do as God leads.  He will do His Work as He always does.  I just need to do mine.

The reality of yesterday is done.  When it was time for the new, 6-week class to begin we had 7 people in the room all of which are connected to leading the forthcoming recovery classes we will start following this 6-week class.  Waiting another 10 minutes we had 7 others come who were there out of their own interest/need.  I kept telling myself to not be discouraged but I must say, it was overwhelming me.  I’m not usually one who lets my emotions dominate me, but this was a struggle.

One of our pastors came to me following class asking how it went?  I told him there were only 7 who showed.  He didn’t even bat an eye.  He was glad we had 7.  As I write this I can say I am glad 7 came also.  It will be interesting to investigate why the small turnout?  Are people intimated to attend a class of this nature as a Sunday School class rather than a less visible time?  Overtime we will learn from this.  Once again I have to be reminded how intimidating recovery topics are to the general population.  Sexual brokenness is an extremely private topic.  I should know, I’ve lived in the silence of it a great part of my life.  Just because I found my way out doesn’t mean the rest of the world walked out of their bondage when I did.

It is amazing to me how much of a day can be consumed with this topic in one’s mind.  I may spend several hours working in my yard, being with my grandkids, and a host of other things, but what consumes me is this.  I know God has me in this topic on purpose, but I sure need to learn to be a better servant in it letting go of my selfish desires so I’m fully available to the ones who are brave enough to come.  God sent the shepherd after the one lost sheep rather than staying with the 99 already in the fold.  I really needed to be reminded of this.  It is the one lost sheep we are seeking to find.

Today starts our first recovery class.  This one is a readiness class.  It is one created to give the attendees knowledge about sexual brokenness and its impact on a person’s emotional, physical,  and mental well-being.  It will continue for 6 weeks and then we will start the journey of taking individuals through the actual recovery classes which go deeply into the hurts & habits stifling them.  A great deal of research is embedded into the DVD’s and the authors’ work.

It is funny what happens to someone’s belief in a week’s time.  Last week after our keynote speaker was here many of us just knew we’d not have enough room in our classroom for all who will be attending.  Now that the week has past and we are ready to begin the first day of the class my fears are trying to set in.  I quickly wonder if anyone at all will even come?  Yes, I’m moving forward in spite of them, but I will be glad when this first leg is done.

I’ve needed to write this.  In so doing I easily see that my eyes have shifted from the ones hurting, to me.  I don’t ever want that to be where I place my time and effort.  (God forgive me).  Today God is going to be glorified in miraculous ways!  To God be all glory for great things He has done!

As we headed home yesterday I was hoping for a time to talk with our worship pastor.  I’ve never known someone in this position who not only has the skill set to lead worship well, but to articulate it equally as well.  As I get closer to the start of our recovery classes, I know God wants us leading those who will come to learn to be in worship of Him.  I wanted her insights on what this would look like and be like.  I shouldn’t have been surprised by the first thing out of her mouth, but I was.  She said, “Worship starts first with our personal relationship to God.  It is from this we can then corporately worship.”

Anymore, the body of believers seem to think that worship is the time in a church service where we sing.  I’ve been there for a long time in my belief.  God is getting me focused on His definition of worship which is all about our relationship with Him and our desire to acclaim Him as Lord, Father God, Savior, Creator and Master of the Universe.  There is so much more but worship does include an intense amount of genuine thanksgiving for Who God is and our respect and thanks for it.  In addition to this my most precious thanks comes from my heart to God for His Intimate Love for each of us–including me.  God is truly teaching me about love.  I’ve known about this topic all my life but what I’ve known has been delivered more from the examples of what it isn’t rather than what it is.  Trusting Love has been a lifelong learning for me.  God has been demonstrating so steadfastly how much His Love is not only Intimate, but it is also Stable and Firm.  I can always rely on it.

The ones who will be coming to our classes will likely know little about a trusting relationship with God that has worship at the core.  Over the time we will be together, God will be exposed in many ways as well as helping them expose what needs to be healed in their lives.  This is always a painful experience just like any physical surgery is.  However, at the core of this healing is The Father Who Created Us to be what He intended from the start.  I know God is wanting each of us to be anchored in this for ourselves as we step into helping others do the same.

Today we will leave Leavenworth after having had a wonderful opportunity to breath easy with much laughter and enjoyment with friends and new acquaintances.  I’m always amazed finding after the fact that I did need the break and how God uses these times to get me better connected to Him and His heart.

In my scripture reading this morning I read Psalms 51.  In it David is repenting of his sin with Bathsheba and the death of her husband to gratify his lust.  He asks God to create in him a clean heart and to renew a right spirit within him.  This message is one we have likely heard a number of times over the years.  There is even a song I’ve sung many times written from these verses.  The striking verse for this morning was the one which follows David’s repentant heart.  It is verse 13.  It reads:  “Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.”

When David wrote this Psalm he had been confronted by Nathan the prophet.  It was a year after the sin had been committed.  It took a parable to get David to restore his sensitivity to his own sin.  When he did he repented.  This morning God was impressing upon me that as we begin our recovery classes this fall there will be people coming who will need to restore their relationship with Him.  There may also be those who have yet to find a relationship with God.  No matter what their position with God, God is waiting to restore unto them the joy of salvation and to have a right spirit within.  None of us fully recover from our sins or our past without this right relationship with God

It has taken me all these years for God to get me to the place of verse 13 where I will teach transgressors of God’s ways relating to the sin in their lives, to find the strength to fully disclose my past of abuse and my own sin.  For David it took a year and a confrontation from God’s prophet.  For me it took my wife, a dear friend at work and another leader in Celebrate Recovery for me to be able to fully disclose all the bondage I had hidden.  Even then it took several years of counseling and therapy.  I now know it is not about the amount of time, it is about the full disclosure and then the willingness to complete verse 13–“then will I teach transgressors Your ways….”  This is the desire of my heart now that I am fully surrendered to use all of me for Christ’s purposes.  I now know “the right spirit” which God has restored in me.  Thank you so much Father!

Kathy and I are in Leavenworth, WA with the folks I mentioned yesterday.  Last night we saw the Sound of Music in an open theater setting and tonight we see My Fair Lady.  This is the fun part along with all the folks we are sharing the opportunity with.  The setting is beautiful being in the mountains of the Cascades nearing Mt. Rainer.

Today’s devotions led me down a path God was very intentional about.  This was the path of brokenness.  Each of my devotionals and my Bible reading all had this pointed focus.  However, it wasn’t just being broken.  This path of brokenness is purposely to show us God’s Light in it when we quit hiding it and allow God to have His entire Way in using it.  Today He is emphasizing my need to fully trust Him in every aspect of this with the greatest emphasis on emotions.

I know a lot about emotions.  There are many books written about this topic including several on emotional intelligence.  One author says that emotion is the fuel which drives intelligence.  Intelligence is stagnant until emotion gets behind it.  There is much truth to this too.  My fear has always been that emotions will damage if I get too carried away with my own in any aspect of my life.  Yes, I need to control them, but for me, I’ve needed to hide them.  I realize this stems to dad’s abuse during my childhood, but today God was clear that I cannot fully praise and worship Him if I don’t let Him have His Way with all of me–including my emotions.  I don’t really have a clue as to how this looks.  But, I want to be fully awake to this  and see what happens as I live through this day.  This trip is put together by our worship pastor and husband so I’m going to try and get a moment of today with them to see what they’d say about all of this.  I just know God is wanting me to embrace the emotions He has given me rather than fear and hide them.

I think everyone who knows abuse as I do struggle with this reality.  I’m very interested in seeing just what God wants done with this.  To God be ALL GLORY!