“Be still my soul the Lord is on my side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change He faithful will remain. Be still my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend, through thorny ways lead to a joyful end.” The last two Wednesday nights have had tremendous burdens in them. As I was asking God this morning what He wanted me to know from Him, these words were given to me.

My devotional this morning was reminding me that God is for me, Christ is with me and The Holy Spirit is in me. I asked myself, “what more could I want?” In reality, I want the trauma of some loved ones to end. I want peace and harmony. I want forgiveness and understanding to prevail. Life teaches us (me) that none of this comes without great human cost–selfishness, pride, will, all stand in the way.

I have wanted the sufferings of my past and the lessons I’ve learned from it to compensate for my loved ones so none of them have to endure the price of sin. It doesn’t happen that way–I know; I just don’t want to know it. “Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.”

I have come to God all my life presenting a person (me) who has tried to achieve being someone better than his past. God has wanted me to present a person with a past so He can give me a life with a future so we achieve together. I’m so grateful for His patient endurance with me. Now I kneel before Him praying for some loved ones who will will someday know to do the same.

Today I can officially celebrate Spring’s arrival! Thank you God. This is truly my most favorite season. There is nothing like seeing life springing forth from what has seemed dead and that is exactly what takes place each and every spring. My whole body feels its arrival and it brings great joy.

Last night’s recovery class did its work again. The lesson is focusing on “wrestling with God”. It brings out the anger, frustration, confusion, and all the other emotions one feels when life is not going as planned or life surprises you with bitter items totally out of your control. It doesn’t let me stay in denial of any one of these emotions. The outcome isn’t so much that I recognize them finally, the most revealing outcome is how much of my day to day life I still “need to be in control” or so I act like.

In this morning’s journaling, this also follows my continued reading of Hebrews where Christ is called the perfect sacrifice shedding His blood for all the sins of past, present and future; I see the blatant side of self-control. Self-control is identified as one of the fruits of the Spirit. However, when self-control’s outcome brings the focus of the outcome back to us (me) it is done of my own power/strength. God wants my self-control to be used to control my self so when the work is done the outcome focuses the participants/observers onto Him. God is truly helping me see my need to surrender totally–all of these character defects so His Holy Spirit can be the control center of my life. The lesson ends with us writing a letter to God which has a sentence starter reading: “I’m holding onto You for”. I joking wrote, I’m holding onto You for the prize which awaits me at the end of the race. I’m hoping it is a riding rototiller!” In reality though, I want to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Only through total surrender and awakening to its fullest understanding can this be completed. I sure don’t want to stop prematurely.

Sometimes I wonder just what God is doing as circumstances unravel? My oldest grandson blew his knee and is needing surgery and a year of healing to get it back to health. My next grandson is the one who was going to the dinner with me and I set it up for Friday when it is actually Saturday. We won’t be here. One of our group leaders for tonight’s recovery classes has been in the hospital and won’t likely lead tonight. This class has several ladies in it who truly need the class. They’ve already missed several nights due to their own issues and now the leader is fragile.

In the midst of all of this God is telling me to Trust Him. This is not something I’m to manage or control, I’m to do my part and let God lead. I really see the “control side” of me wanting to reach out at times like this. When I see this I wonder what I’d control even if I could? All of these things are out of my control anyway. It’s probably time to get into the garden and relax there with mother earth. She and I do get along well. We will have time together next week as all the schools are in spring break. I’ll take advantage of this opportunity.

Sensing the needs of people is being in touch with one’s spirit I’m learning. Trying to control the circumstances is responding to this from my human emotions rather than continuing to do what God prompts me to do. This is a big learning curve for me. I want to stay on track and be the servant God outlines for me each day.

Today is an early start one.  I’m headed to work with a school district a fair distance away and meeting up with another person in 45 minutes.  Before all of this begins I need to reflect a moment on yesterday and all God opened my eyes to see.

As I got to church yesterday a good friend began to tell me about their 30 year old son who is simply lost and broken.  He is living at home with them and hiding.  He has been lost in drugs and in so doing, lost his marriage and young daughter, and seemingly all interest in continuing life.  She wanted to know if I’d talk to him.  I’ve known him since birth.  In our Celebrate Recovery monthly meeting following church, our training was about good leadership and what it looks like.  One item was praying for those in your group and in the areas you serve.  Later in the afternoon I had my youngest daughter cut my hair where I was able to ask my grandson and his friend if they’d like to go to a men’s dinner next Friday night and they said, “Yes!”  This is the home where strife was extreme last week.  The evening ended with one of the men I sponsor in CR calling with his own crisis and needed to talk it through.

This morning in my Bible reading of Hebrews, chapters 3 & 4 I’m told about having faith.  Christ is our best example of One who believed, trusted and had immense FAITH.  We are told to do so also.  I must admit, by the end of this weekend I was waning in faith–wondering just what God was wanting?  This morning it is clear again–He is wanting me to trust Him, trust His nudges, do my part and have faith that He will do His.  I am ready again to do this.  Boy, is our God faithful to us–I want to return this favor as best as possible.

Yesterday was a day to get things done starting early enough I didn’t get my blog written.  This weekend has been one of unexpected, but good surprises.  Our oldest daughter and family came out Friday night for dinner unexpectedly as their kitchen is being remodeled and full of dust due to the work of the carpenter being there.  Yesterday I had my two youngest grandsons all day when they were to be with their dad.  However, even though none of this was planned, all of them were blessings.  Friday night I was able to listen to my oldest daughter speak her heart without interruption.  Yesterday I was able to be with my grandsons as they played to their hearts’ content.  They helped me when I needed them and off they’d go to their fictional wars and battles.  I was in the yard all day myself prepping the garden with rototilling, pruning blackberries, digging up berry starts I will give away, etc.  The only breaks were fixing the boys breakfast and lunch.  Boy are my muscles speaking to me today!

This morning I began reading Hebrews.  In the first couple chapters it tells that Jesus had little written about him from the time after he was born until he was a young man.  Scripture only says he grew in spirit and in favor with God and man.  This really spoke to me, especially the fact he grew in spirit.  There is only one way that can happen–good parenting.  Our spirit is eternal.  Our emotions and our minds are flesh.  When we surrender our lives to Christ asking Him to be our Savior and Lord, we receive His Gift–The Holy Spirit.  Our spirit is then dominated (replaced?) by The Holy Spirit.  Christ is far more capable of handling our lives when we quit trying to dominate our lives from our minds and emotions.  This is where Satan attacks and we want to quickly react.  I say all of this because when our spirit is not nurtured as Christ’s was by his parenting the spirit is not kept in dominance of life.  I use to be told by dad he needed to kill my spirit.  In mom’s emotional absence I learned to believe I wasn’t important.  All of this is what Satan wanted done.  God is certainly working to change all of this belief for me today. 

This weekend I watched and listened to the way God is working in my oldest daughter’s life.  I also watched two young grandsons respond to their spirits and later in the day to their emotions as they were getting tired and their anger started to flare at one another.  I’m wanting to use these lessons to awaken my own self to be in touch with my new Spirit and let His dominance be in charge of me. 

Today I get to stay home.  I awoke a couple times early this am giving myself permission to just go back to sleep.  Of course sleeping in still looks like an early riser to those who are not morning people, but for me, I needed it.  This week has had many mental stretchers in the work training I’ve had.  It has also been one of emotional stretchers with the events of Wednesday night and our Celebrate Recovery last night.  The details are always private, but some tough decisions are needing to be made in each of the two situations.  This morning I’m tired and the one thing I know is that I am not to make any decisions based on the emotional strife stirring within me.  Earlier, when I was writing about knowing my spirit, I was given “intuition” as a focus word for knowing something is from one’s spirit.  Often I can sense my intuition so this made sense.  This morning I can’t sense my intuition so I do know not to jump to any conclusions about these tough situations. 

When I was journaling to God about all of this earlier I sensed Him telling me to hold a Light to the path He provides through the Wisdom The Holy Spirit provides to us.  Satan wants us to act quickly on the emotional state.  This is what creates divisions, walls in relationships and the need for restitution and amends days, weeks and even years later. 

I have my own work to do today from home so today I’m going to do what I know I need to do and let my emotions rest along with my body and mind.  I may even take an afternoon nap which would certainly be a treat!  I have some things to do with the greenhouse today which  would be the best treat.  In this, I’ll wait to see how God responds to the crises Satan is trying to make into permanent emotional walls. 

Today ends the training for those of us who do our state’s consulting work.  It has been much more daunting than in times past–or I’ve just forgotten since we only do these twice a year.  Our district is making progress but then we have these days and once again I realize just how far we need to go to be considered “healthy”.

Last night as I was relaxing in my recliner enjoying the fact that I get to stay home and go to bed early, my phone rings.  There is crisis in one of my kid’s home and so Kathy and I leave immediately to give assistance.  I won’t go into it, but the initial outcome ended OK.  This morning after a fitful night’s sleep God has been reminding me that He is God in all of this.  How I wish there were someway I could have my grandkids circumvent the reality of life and sin’s choices.  However, God reminded me how He uses everything to His honor and glory as time moves on.  I know first hand just how much He has used my own past in my present living.  So I surrender all of this to Him trusting and thanking Him!

The spirit of man–I asked the group last night to talk about what this is to them?  This morning as I was journaling about this to God I felt nudged to google it.  The first thing that came up was a quote from a book:  The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee.  I ordered it as I have read a couple other books by him and he really is a man of God for today.  I’m looking forward to it. 

My time is limited this morning as I’ve got to head to a conference in Boise.  God isn’t letting up on wanting me to know and trust Him regarding the spirit he has given me and replaced in me with His Holy Spirit.  I want to grow in this but only trusting what I find to truly be from Him.

Last night in choir practice our worship pastor’s husband gave the devotion.  He is one of our associate pastors also.  He does this weekly.  He tied the topic of the devotion to the song we will sing next Sunday.  The song is “Shine on Us”.  The penetrating LIGHT of God is what shines on us.  His devotion pointed out that, yes, we want God’s Light to shine on us, but the consequence of it so doing reveals all that needs to be exposed so healing can take place.  It tied so directly to the sermon last Sunday on The Holy Spirit.

God is abundantly working in me so I can finally own the choices of my life no longer excusing any sinful behavior as connected to my past abuse from dad, my brother, my mom’s absence, etc.  My voice inside my head would chalk something up as “not being like dad” making me think it isn’t so bad.  This morning God is showing me that this excuse is no longer acceptable and I’m now ready to own all of my actions without excuses.  Excuses may have been acceptable ahead of God’s Light being shed on all the defects of character I’ve developed from the abuse, but now that all of it is exposed, it is time for me to own my behaviors. 

Kathy and her sis have been cleaning a room in our house which has been “packed” with so much stuff one couldn’t use the room meaningfully any longer.  This morning God has been showing me that this cleansing they are doing is just what He has been doing for me and my mind through our present Mending the Soul class.  It is a sober awakening and one I want to now own and never repeat.  God’s Light can’t heal until it exposes.  I’m ready to now own what is exposed so God can heal and then let The Power of The Holy Spirit be the very source of any work I do in God’s Name from this point forward. 

So today is the day after The Holy Spirit sermon.  It was one of the finest, most powerful sermons I’ve heard in a very long time.  Some of what it did was awaken what has been almost dead within me and in so doing, showed me a cancer growing.  Also, God is continuing this message this morning in II Timothy with Paul writing to Timothy about putting away the “lusts of our youth, flee from them and pursue righteousness.”  II Timothy 2:22. 

The Holy Spirit is the very power of God and it is present within each of us as a Gift from Christ Jesus when we accept Him into our lives.  However, this Gift is not allowed to be this power of God until we begin to recognize our need to surrender our “youthful lusts”.  The rest of yesterday was spent with my seeing a glimmer of what this looks like in my own life and in my family’s life.  The truth of The Holy Spirit is much about LIGHT.  Light reveals what has been hidden away.  Once it is exposed it has to then be removed so healing can begin.  I’ve needed to do a lot of this in my years of counseling.  There is now some of this to do in simply in how I (we) live our daily lives.

Surrendering our youthful lusts can look a lot like selfishness in many ways.  Pastor Ryan said yesterday that part of what The Holy Spirit teaches us is to pray and be patient.  Impulsive actions can often be selfishness.  Waiting on The Holy Spirit’s confirmation is key so we don’t act impulsively.  I need to learn from this in how I do my consulting work and in my personal living.

Well, I know The Holy Spirit is waiting to be much more meaningful and powerful in my daily living.  I want Him to be too.  I’ll take this one day at a time as I have learned from Celebrate recovery and repeating The Serenity Prayer each week.