When I was having lunch with one of our pastors last Friday he told me he was preaching today on The Holy Spirit. I was very glad to hear this so I could learn more about Him and hopefully, Him and me. This morning as I was thanking God for having Pastor Ryan preach on The Holy Spirit He prodded me to listen beyond my ears and mind. He said to listen with my heart and emotions and do this starting at the time I was journaling. He reminded me that as I get to church for the worship team practice and choir practice The Holy Spirit will be present then.
I’ve always thought I needed to control my emotions with my mind and today I seem to be hearing a message about control through my heart. This is something I’ve heard all my life and pretty much let it go because it’s not grounded in me. I sense today that God is wanting to get this going. There was also one other awakening added to this from my scripture reading in II Timothy. Paul was telling Timothy to not be afraid, fear what God is giving him. The Holy Spirit overcomes fear with His Power and Presence. The idea that The Holy Spirit replaces fear is what I needed to grasp. I’ve always had this intimidation regarding Him and all along He wants to have me trusting Him explicitly. Well, today I’m ready for this journey to awaken me to the very Holy Spirit which God is.
Yesterday did turn out to be a wonderful gardening day and a lesson day. As I met with one of our pastors for lunch the conversation turned to men loving men. He is a very demonstrative man and easily tells men he loves them–including me. When I told him of my recent counseling and awakening to the truth that men can love men without any sexual thought, I asked him to talk with me about this topic. I literally asked, “What goes through your mind when you are telling a man you love him?” “What is your motivation to do this–say this?” It was a good lesson for me to listen to what genuine love sounds like and feels like from the one who loves. In truth, it sounded just like the way I feel towards my grandsons and many of my own friends. The fear that I’ve had all my life of men loving to coerce into sex is definitely a lie from Satan himself. I’m actually looking forward to finding God’s peace in this topic which has already begun.
The good thing for today is it is much like yesterday. I did get most of the raspberries pruned and I also got one of the blackberry patches cleared. (I need now to make a trip to the dump as this patch being an old one, had much hog wire in it which I want to clean out. Then, when this is done I can plant my new asparagus patch! God is good and He gives us these times when our hearts are taking delight. I know I’m not going to have a large crowd of people relating to this, but this is one of my loves!
For whatever reason, today feels like a vacation day. I have nothing on my plate except a lunch meeting with one of our pastors. The rest of the day I get to be in the yard pruning raspberries, blackberries and enjoying the fact that Spring is right around the corner!
The other thing that is so excellent about today connects to what I wrote yesterday. I taught our lesson on Confess last night for Celebrate Recovery. Afterwards in share group I told the men about my counseling session. The fact I can have a man love me and I not having to worry about it is still stunning to me. I have reflected on this, this morning again and it just leaves me mystified. I don’t have any reservations about it now, but I feel as though I don’t know what to do with this. One of the guys in the group last night told me afterwards he was very grateful I shared this. He has been battling his own relapse desires and to know they don’t own us–or need to own us–is the bottom line.
Well, outside of a pastor meeting, I’ll be spending the day with life I love–plants. I’ve never had a question about my love for them or theirs for me. We were bonded from birth I believe. I know God is wanting me to simply take this new truth and let it reveal itself as life continues. This is truly an item of being a new creation I look forward to experiencing and being balanced with God and myself.
Have you ever wanted God to be faithful to His promises, hoped He would or at least show some interest in what you desire for Him to do in completing one of His promises? This is how I felt yesterday as I went to the counselor. God has been bringing about much greater healing for me recently as I’ve continued the class, Mending the Soul. Now to address this thing about gayness has been big in my mind. It seemed to have a grip which disallowed God’s Light to penetrate.
As I began to show the counselor yesterday what the lesson had shown me or brought out, he asked a few questions which I won’t try to explain. However, by the time an hour was up God had used him to show me some miraculous things. First and foremost, if I were gay I wouldn’t be 68 years old and never initiated a gay act. What was more important to me was that I could let a man love me and it wouldn’t mean anything about having sex with me. The wall I’d kept rigidly in place from childhood could be let go. Satan has used so many defects of my thinking to always have this elephant in my room. Today, right today, I can move that lie aside and continue to be loved by a man and never worry about this. The flipside of this is that I can love a man and not have it include sex either. Boy, have these been huge fears for me especially the one about other men saying they love me. The TRUTH will set us free. That is exactly what God did yesterday for me. His promise is TRUE. My part was to tell–confess. God’s part was to heal and this He continues to do.
I hope this entry today isn’t too graphic for a reader. However, I feel as though I need to tell this much so one can know no matter what is haunting your mind, God wants us to tell someone we can trust so the “haunt” can be given perspective just as the counselor was able to do for me. God’s word in James 5:16 is true: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
I’ve written in this blog before that God has been bringing me from “finding freedom” to “living in freedom” for a while. In so doing, He continues to bring out the buried chains of my past which have roots much deeper than I can dig out on my own. This happened while I was in S. California with my family. The time with my cousin and my aunt showed me so much about the lies I’d had regarding who I am and how I was seen as a child living there. This was all connected to my dad.
The lesson we almost finished last night in Mending the Soul brought out for me one more buried chain. It is linked to the sexual abuse from my brother. This brings more shame to me than anything else I ever have to face. I speak of it but I rebury it just as quickly as I disclose it. If you’re reading this you likely know I’m talking about the gay item. Today I happen to be seeing the counselor who has been working with our recovery classes. I’m going to bring this out with him. Hiding something never heals anything but more shame so today I’ve bringing it into the LIGHT to keep it there so God’s Work can be done. I hate this admission but I desperately need to face it squarely. Today I will.
Just to show how God works–I was to have the counseling appointment yesterday, but when it was scheduled I hadn’t put it in my calendar so I totally forgot it. Now I know why–it was last night’s class that brought out the blatant need to face this black hole in my heart–this chain of bondage. Now today I have the courage to say it out loud and face it. God is so, so GOOD!
You know the story of Ishmael? Abraham and Sarah were promised a son for 20 years, but Sarah was getting old and she hadn’t conceived. What did they do? Took matters into their own hands and got Ishmael. As it turned out, he didn’t fulfill the promise. Instead, he grew into a thorn.
In my scripture reading today in II Thessalonians Paul is telling the people of Thessalonica to be patient, not taking matters into their own hands thinking their timing is God’s timing. Joyce Meyers writes a note with this passage relating the actions of the Thessalonians to Abraham and Sarah for God doesn’t honor our taking His matters into our hands and trying to create His promise through our actions and thinking.
Boy, this really hit home for me when I read it. I don’t care if I’m working in the secular world of work or the spiritual work of church I find myself looking at outcomes I want to have. If they are happening I celebrate, but if they are not happening I work to steer them to the outcome. This morning God put into my head a number of things He wants to be in charge of and wants me to release the reins I hold to Him. A big one of these is our recovery classes. I’ve been pondering for a few weeks about how to better manage them. Some are nearing their completion while others are not nearly there. We started together–why are we so split now? Well, God reminded me He is the One bringing recovery, not my management. He will also guide our starting up when it is time. He will let me know my part as He is ready. I don’t like control-freaks and then I confess this and here I am. Well, I don’t want an Ishmael being born from my decision making so I am surrendering the reins to God and letting Him be my Lead and learn to be a good responder to Him.
Today my journey has me seeing (in my mind) The Holy Spirit. Several years ago I spent a year journaling to Him only to end the year with Him being as mysterious as when I started. I had spent a year journaling to God and then Jesus and then The Holy Spirit. It hasn’t been until God awoke in me my need to understand Him, that all of this started turning around. Its been close to three years journaling to God to finally separate my misconceptions of Him from my earthly father. I had no idea just how much I misinterpreted God due to these. God is just as loving and kind, yet focused and determined to do His Will as Jesus demonstrated during His earthly time.
This morning in my scripture reading of I Thessalonians 4&5 I was nudged to address the Holy Spirit. I’ve never seen or felt Him as judgmental, just hugely mysterious and distant. Today however, as I began to thank Him for being so patient with me I felt this overwhelming sense of presence. He is the very essence of all God is and He has been so patient waiting for me to welcome Him, not as a mystery, but as God’s essence.
As I awaken more and more to this new creation I am, I realize all I’ve missed over the years. I’m not going to lament them, instead I’m going to thank God I am awake and for His Wonderful Spirit living in me!
Yesterday was a day of disclosure and finding more freedom in so doing. It was so good to be able to talk “freely” about things I do tell, but things which still have chains attached to my soul. By the time a couple hours had passed I felt so much freer. I know this is God at work. One of the assignments is my class is to draw black circles in a heart which stands for my own heart. The black circles are the things done to me which have caused the bondage of my past. I then draw gray circles for things I’ve done to cause bondage to others as I’ve lived my life. I’ve learned how to deal with the gray circles by doing amends. Some of the black circles I still didn’t know how to handle. As I had my devotions this morning I went back to this assignment. I hadn’t noticed until I went back that there is a door standing open in the picture. God nudged me to walk out of that door. I didn’t need to stay in the darkness any longer of the past. I got up and did just that. It seemed the door closed as I walked out of the dark room. Light is bright when it is God’s Light. How I appreciate His faithfulness to me and to each of us who seek Him.
God is making it abundantly clear that He wants us free. Even when we begin to understand living in freedom, there are items of the flesh God will continue to seek out and help us move away from. I suppose this is the case as long as we are alive. We just can’t avoid being a “human being”. The day will come when the flesh dies. I use to pray that would happen soon so my torment would cease. Now I find joy in the thought of living out my days in the glorious freedom God grants.
God is taking me into a part of living I’ve not been before–this is all about being transformed rather than being informed. Being informed is what man does for himself–flesh. Man actually flaunts information and the amount one can store and quickly recall. However, God’s Word is written so we can not only be informed, but from this information, we commit to being transformed. I’ve lived so long being informed so I could “do it well”. God wants me informed so I will submit fully to Him so He can transform me into being the person who will “do it well as God leads”. When I “did it well” I hoped God would accept me more fully so I’d be worthy of transforming. I’m more fully understanding that God has already fully accepted me and in so doing, He wants me to fully surrender all I know and in so doing, let Him be in charge.
Yesterday morning after finishing my devotions and the blog entry, I started working on the Mending the Soul lesson for next Tuesday. I was a little behind from being gone last week. This lesson is all about the same thing I wrote about in the first paragraph. However, the content is about the rawness of whatever abuse left one with that is still not fully disclosed. The lesson draws it out so one can surrender it by writing it and then telling it. Most of this isn’t new stuff, but it is stuff which I’ve told to Kathy and my counselor but left it there and put it back into “hiding”. I called my sponsor yesterday noon and he is coming over this morning so we can talk about all of this. He too is in the class so we can both step into this level of disclosure.
Learning to live by the Spirit’s living within me is something I’ve wanted for years. Now that God has me where I am today I can see why I’ve been so stuck. I still had the reigns in my court with so much rather than in His court. I’m giving them over as He shows me what I’m hanging onto. Wow we serve a GREAT GOD!
Today when I started my devotions and read March 1, I started to say as I’ve always done, thanks God for Spring! Instantly I felt the nudge to quit doing this. I’d always given myself permission to live in my definition of Spring rather than nature’s. God seemed to be saying that He doesn’t want me living in any form of denial. I’m fully in God’s Kingdom and each and every day I will live fully in the day rather than in the day I dream up in my mind. This may sound trite, but for me it is huge. I learned as a kid how to live in a world of my mind where safety was around me and I liked what was there. As God has been transforming me into His likeness He wants me grounded where He is, not where my mind had me.
Last night I gave my testimony. My grand niece, niece and sister-in-law were all present and to my surprise, another niece and grand niece came too. I loved having them come. It was intimidating at the moment, but it soon turned into joy. There was another couple from our church who were also present. They don’t attend our Celebrate Recovery, but came for the testimony. I appreciated their coming and they thanked me for my courage. At the end of the evening a man who has come a few times of late asked if he could talk with me. We went to another part of the room and he shared with me his own personal battles. He was safe telling me because I had shared my own in the testimony. This always is what amazes me about our God. The very thing we “hate” addressing is exactly what God will use to help a listener speak their own. He said he will come back now that he knows he is not alone.
Colossians 2:19-23 talks about man not conforming to the messages of man which conflict with the Word of God. Our world is full of man’s messages which fulfill the flesh of man. God’s Word is clear about how we are to live for Him. God is showing me over and over that His Word will transform me into His Likeness as I listen and live according to His Word and His Holy Spirit nudges. The flesh of man houses our spirit but our spirit is to control the flesh rather than vice versa. God is wanting me to learn this and to live fully by this. How I love Him for His patience in helping me better understand and live this way!
Earnie Lewis 