Have you ever experienced walking through a cave? The darkness is unlike any other. This morning’s devotional time had me going deeply into the “caves of my mind”. There were two of them. One is the cave of the past, the other is the cave of the future. As I’ve been challenged to go deeply into who I am, I find these two caves. I have spent the last 12-13 years dealing with the cave of my past. I’ve found Christ in it and I’ve had Him shedding His powerful Light of Healing into this darkness. As I looked into the cave of my past this morning I did see darkness, but it is easy to shed Light into it. However, as I realized the cave of my future I only found that penetrating darkness.

I have always been a person who definitely lives in the present, but thinks in the future. What I realized this morning was the future I think in does not address the darkness of this cave deep within me. In that cave I found all the fears which started in my childhood being projected into my future. I hadn’t even realized this cave existed until today. The challenge of going deeply into oneself was to examine the findings and then bring God into these findings. Thus, I found that I’d done this with the cave of my past; however, finding God in this cave of the future made me realize things like, faith, trust, believing which I wasn’t using there. I discovered that I tend to stuff my fears of the future rather than releasing them in trust to this wonderful God I serve.

Today has been the day of discovery. I’ve got some work to do now that I’ve found this cave. But, already I know the One who holds the Heavenly Flashlight and I trust Him!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY for all of you readers who are moms! This is one of the most important days we celebrate. You are the ones who stay when everything is crumbling. You are the one who checks in to make sure everyone’s ok. You are the one I’ve always thought best represent the Holy Spirit in flesh clothing. Thank you for all of this and so much more!

As I continue on this current assignment during my journey (this assignment of going deeply into who I am), I find fear. It hits today since today is a special day. I enjoy special days until they arrive. Most of what I think about on special days is getting through them. It is not specific to Mother’s Day, it is any special day. As I started today and felt this common dread I did what I haven’t done. I asked Jesus to help me take a look at it rather than stuff it. In so doing I heard a message I’ve not heard before. He seemed to say that special days are man-made. You’ve struggled pleasing man in your own mind hearing all of the criticism growing up from your dad. You fear it still today. I want you to remember that even in special days like today I want you to please Me and do as I nudge you. Knowing at the end of the day you have pleased Me gives a much deeper gratification than any from pleasing man. Most likely in pleasing Me, you will have pleased man too.

I must say that this message simply took the dread away. I love this Jesus–Savior, Lord and Friend!

My day yesterday was to have been spent at my youngest daughter’s place getting some projects done for her in her yard. However, as I’d finished my devotional time my brother called and he was wanting to come over and put in the water softener and water heater which had arrived at the plumbing shop he use to own. So, today I go to my daughter’s. It is very nice to have these taken care of. The softener had a slow leak I’d found and it wasn’t repairable so my good brother said lets do both while he’s doing the one since both were 22 years old they were somewhat in the way of each other. Now it is done!

I wrote yesterday about my need to go deeply into the makeup of myself and to do this with courage. As I’m reading II Corinthians Paul is asking this of the people of Corinth. He talks about how Christ had led him to do this. I really appreciated what I read this morning regarding this inward search. Joyce Meyer says that as we give our sin to Jesus he in turn gives us His righteousness. We are to exchange our sin consciousness for a righteousness consciousness. (Saying this verbally is a mouthful of syllables.) But, in reality, it is exactly what Christ is wanting to do for me–for each of us.

What I love about this exercise is that when I go deeply into my inner self and I find my selfishness, my pridefulness, I have the choice of no longer hiding it and instead, exchanging it for Christ’s righteousness. This is a lot easier to write right now than it is to do it. However, I’ve not seen this process so clearly as I do today. I don’t want to hide any longer these characteristics of myself. I want to exchange them and in so doing, find the strength of God to actually change and be this image of Christ He offers me. I’ve made this personal as I write this paragraph, but the process of doing this is to be personal for each one of us. The freedom which follows this process is waiting for you and me!

The meeting yesterday with our pastoral staff went very well. It was so good to hear it said that next to our church’s Sunday morning worship, Celebrate Recovery was next in line. The staff understood and appreciated the need to be together not just for the ones who have attended, but for all those who wish to attend but haven’t been able to do so. So, next Thursday we will open the doors. Yes, there are restrictions which will be in place, but just to be there, able to talk freely face to face will be a privilege. We will also be recording it so others who wish not to attend at this point can receive the lesson/testimony.

One of my devotional readings this morning asked the question: “Are you ready to look deeply at yourself with courage?” I was challenged by this question. I have felt of late that God has been wanting me to take a very close look at Him and me. I use to say I know myself well. When I’d say that I would be referencing my skill set. This question is referencing what is standing in the way of one becoming more Christ-like? It has always been easy to say I’m glad I’m not like my father or like my brother. However, if I look deeply at myself with courage I must admit I see natures within me which resemble both of them. It makes me realize that becoming more Christ-like doesn’t mean an absence of selfish nature, it’s far more about what we do with this selfish nature.

As my journey continues I want to be courageous in not only seeing myself deeply, but then strong enough to surrender it so my actions do not portray it. I want to be a surrendered soul to Jesus so His Light shines through me. This is once again why the Serenity Prayer is always important to remember. This process is a day by day decision and often a moment by moment one too.

Today will be an insightful one. This morning our Ministry Leaders for Celebrate Recovery are meeting with a couple of our pastors to talk through how our ministry can restart and when. We will also talk about our restoration classes which had not finished last March when everything shut down. I will be glad to know how all of this will come together.

God has been showing me a good deal of late about Him and me. I’ve written about some of the selfishness I’ve been seeing and a lot has been seen about choices. God has always given us choice. This is probably one of the nicest things God gave us as man, but sin turned it into the curse that it is when man stepped into sin and the curse became ours. In working with recovery ministry one sees this curse of sin often because attendees are talking about it. When we live in the world outside of recovery we rarely hear man talking about it because in this part of life man is usually hiding his involvement/choices.

My heart is yearning to get back into the ministry work where we aren’t just maintaining, but we are facilitating steps being taken for freedom. It is hard to do this without physical presence. I know God’s Holy Spirit is the One Who heals and sheds this Light so I want today to be open to seeing what God’s Light sheds as we meet.

I had never realized how much variety I had in daily life until I could no longer participate in it. Not so long ago I would write about having a day now and then where nothing was planned and I would be so grateful for that day–feeling somewhat selfish for it, but nonetheless, thankful. Today, as I started my journaling, I was sensing I had nothing to write. Each day is so much like the day before that a sense of mundane was settling in. That was when my mind was prompted to journal about all the opportunities God has provided me. It didn’t seem that I even had to think about them, they just came to mind. These were things like: working with so many schools and districts–teachers, aides, office staff, administrators and sometimes, students. In addition, there are so many ministry opportunities provided through our church, Celebrate Recovery and the step study; restoration ministry and the men’s group for it, choir and our quartet. After all of these I have so much family that enjoys getting together often.

It is so easy to forget all the blessings God provides us! It is good to stop for a moment and reflect on them. What all of this did was take my eyes off of myself and put my focus back onto God. I don’t like realizing how selfish I am, yet, it is true. The flesh is always wanting to be served first and I stand right there in that lineup. God forgive me for my selfishness. I’m glad to get my eyes back onto YOU and all you do to provide for your kids!

Today is the birthday for my Aunt Billie. I only have two aunts still living. One lives locally and is my mom’s youngest sister. Aunt Billie lives in Escondido, CA and was married to my dad’s youngest brother. I’ve written about her before. She is the one who spent considerable time with me a little over a year ago helping me to know the truth about her husband (my uncle) and his thoughts about my dad’s actions while we kids were growing up. Also, while we were kids in Escondido back in the 50’s, Aunt Billie was the one who would gather all of us up and take us to the show, the zoo, and even to Disneyland! God has used her to mightily show me what love really looks like and what support actually looks and sounds like. She always had kind, loving things to say about each of us. I call her my favorite aunt because she had a way to make you feel as though you were her favorite. Happy Birthday Aunt Billie!

It is a lesson to learn about living on the positive side of life. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to be like dad saying things which crushed the spirit of others or physically harmed them. I also never wanted to sexually use or damage someone making them believe they have only a paupers purpose in life. I didn’t want to be nice like my mom but absent when harm was being done–looking helpless. My mind/emotions was driven to not live in this negative side of life. What I didn’t know was how one actually lived this positive side of life. Now that I’m almost 70 years old I still ponder this. God is always teaching and always providing good role models for us–for me.

I have learned more than anything that I can’t change who I am but I can and have changed what I believe I am. I can choose to be supportive and loving if I stay focused on the day and the moments within the day. The Serenity Prayer is a good reminder for this–“…one day at a time, one moment at a time”….

It has certainly taken me a long time to realize that Jesus wants to have a close, intimate relationship with Him. This relationship is not determined solely by how much I do, but more about how much I rely on Him–trusting Him and coming to Him throughout the day. During this time of isolation where “doing” is slowed down considerably, this new reality is truly brought to light. It is the Light Jesus is wanting me to see for it is a Truth about Him and me.

I’ve said this many times that I am a doer and I enjoy doing. Doing has always been equivalent to value with me. However, during this time of isolation, Jesus has been teaching me that doing is good, but it is not to replace the “being” he wants for me. Value is not earned, it is gifted into life by our Creator–God Himself. I love Him and thank Him for this teaching!

As I began my journaling this morning I had reread my entry from the day before. There I had written that Jesus wanted me to “be” rather than “do”. The doing comes easier when I am surrendered and committed to Him. I had no more finished this and was getting myself ready for the day when my phone rang. It was a friend who wanted me to plant his mother-in-law’s flower bed. She is 90 years old, loves flowers but can’t do the work side any longer. I’ve planted it each year for the past 5 or so. Not only did I get to plant it but I also got to go pick out the flowers to plant! My moment of doing I had journaled about came immediately following my reminder to surrender. It gave me a chance to be loving and kind. God is so amazing. I had a chance to fulfill a wish for this dear lady and it pleased me to no end getting to plant a flower bed picturing as I did just how beautiful it will be when all of them are in full bloom.

This morning’s devotional message was all about intimacy with Jesus. Each devotional reading centered on this topic and even the last chapter of I Corinthians, Paul was writing an intimate message for the people of Corinth. What first came to mind for me was the ugliness of my childhood making me unworthy of being an intimate person for Jesus. I know I’m a new creation because of Him and my asking Him into my heart, but when it comes to real intimacy I always first think of this unworthiness. So, I asked Jesus how I could address this? I was taken back when He asked me to close my eyes and reenter the scene of my first childhood sexual abuse. I’ve gone here many times in counseling sessions so this was no problem. He asked me to envision Him walking my brother and the neighbor away. He then asked me to envision Him returning and holding me. He didn’t just hug me, He held me and He kept whispering, “I love you”. Yes, I am crying right now.

This all ended with the message that I have lived a long time desiring an intimate, loving relationship with Jesus Christ but battling the sins of my past. His last message to me was to now see Him standing with arms open wide when these thoughts/temptations come for He waits to hold me and remind me of His genuine love for me. Instead of seeing myself helpless at these times, He wants me to now see Him with arms outstretched. This I experienced this morning.

I pray each reader of today’s message knows this message isn’t just for me. It is true for each one of us! Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

As I was journaling this morning I was telling God how I’ve been awakened to a biblical comparison between today’s world event with this virus and Egypt’s plagues. Yes, we’ve only had one attack, but it has shut down a world economy and stumped mankind. God did the same with Egypt but did they turn to God? Are we turning to God or is man simply trying to find the antidote? I know that God uses all things to His honor and glory. I don’t want to come out of this pandemic and go quickly back to life as before. I pray our nation will learn from this time yet I see our nation splitting further and further apart. Lord help us.

More on a personal level, I have found this time to be one where I have felt less productive for God. I told Him I find it hard to always know what to do. His response to this was clear and immediate. He said, “My son, live for Me–that doesn’t always mean doing. I don’t measure with a ‘doing rod’. I more measure with a ‘being rod’. The doing comes more easily when you are being surrendered, being committed, and being loving and kind.”

What amazed me about God’s response to me was that this was perfectly in line with what Paul has been teaching the Corinthians in the first book. Why would this amaze me? I am human just like they were and human just like the Egyptians were during the time of the plagues. I’ve still got much to become on this journey.