I wish I could be very specific right now and write down the exact pieces of today which are being addressed. For whatever reason, three of the areas where I serve have major things happening today–decisions to be addressed. There are a number of things which have brought each of these areas to the point of today. None of them are similar to one another except that none will go well if we don’t keep God’s Light in front and take only steps where He Leads.
As I have been journaling this morning and writing out all I needed Jesus to do. He so nicely pointed out the one thing I need to do–Let Him tell me what to do reversing my actions of telling Him.
In my devotional reading the authors have written that the Joy of the Lord is found only when we are in His Presence. The situations of today do not presently have joy present. However, now that I have been redirected by Christ to let Him take the Lead I know this Joy. My mind and spirit are at peace and I will step into each of today’s tasks with Jesus taking the Lead and with Joy in my heart.
So much is being awakened inside of me. As we had our class last night, it seemed that the lesson I am doing for the second time now is registering throughout my being. It is no longer something for me to know, it is all about what God created in me originally. Last night’s lesson focused on what abuse does to the original design God had for man. Not only does abuse destroy the original creation of God, it distorts in the mind of the ones abused regarding their picture of God. The devastation of sin leaves man with a better picture of Satan than it does of God.
As I was working through the lesson with the others in the class I heard so much about how this message was starting to make good sense. I loved watching how minds were beginning to open up to who God really is to us. Seeing the characteristics of God through the life of Jesus is what I’ve begun to realize. Jesus never judged or condemned those hurting. He touched with healing, gave hope, gave Light and He gave encouragement where only despair had been known. This hasn’t changed. This picture of Jesus is also the original picture God wanted His creation to have of Him. I see this so much more clearly now. I see how my own flesh gets in the way and why I must daily surrender it (my selfish desires) so God’s purposes for the day are done His Way and not mine.
Yesterday was a day of clarity. As I arrived to the school I was informed that a meeting was taking place later in the morning to address the absence of the one admin. I would be informed following the meeting. The meeting lasted about an hour and just as I was told, I was approached by the superintendent. He and I talked regarding the next steps which could now be taken. Here I am working with three fine, young men all given big assignments. One of them messes up and is actually fortunate it didn’t cost him his position. The rest of this year will likely determine any future he might have in this district and in the profession.
I have been praying for this clarity and for the different ones involved directly and indirectly. Now that I know I can be more intentional. My flesh wants to rush into this and “make all things new”. But, as I was reading my devotional this morning I found its message to be most appropriate. Its title is “Wise Words”. It states that wisdom is the ability to apply godliness in everyday living. I realize that in the days ahead there will be opportunities to apply what God wants done. I want to be His servant in this and surrender my desire to rush in. The one young man who came for the meeting told me when he arrived that he wanted to talk with me and reflect on all of this in days ahead. This will be the timing I’ll wait for–when God opens the door.
God is always good and His timing is always perfect. How I have to awaken to this truth over and over!
This morning’s devotional time has revealed to me something I need to address. A few days ago I wrote about Joyce Meyer stating in one of her writings that when we are addressing strong relationships like marriage we need to respect the differences and assist/support with weaknesses. Intimacy in relationships sees differences as just that. We can leave them alone because many differences help complete our own weaknesses. Intimacy in relationships recognizes the differences and communicates for clarity so we build one another rather than divide and often offend one another.
As I was journaling this morning regarding the consulting work I do, Jesus seemed to bring this topic into my work. Recently, I had done more than an administrator wanted me to do with a new staff member when he was absent one day. I had addressed the situation as though I were in charge. I didn’t intend to do this, but that is the way it was perceived. We talked about it and I apologized. This morning I could easily see that I had taken what was a different approach to a situation (on the administrator’s part) and addressed it as though it were a weakness on his part (as he saw it). In so doing I offended the administrator. When intimacy is healthy it builds trust. I don’t want to do something that destroys trust or stomps on it. I think Christ was showing me a lesson for which I need to be more vigilant as I work each day. I want my ways to be like Christ’s ways–not mine,
Today started with one of those “I can’t sleep for whatever reason”. So, a little before 5 am I got up and had the coffee start brewing. I thought maybe I was to hear some things in my devotional time I needed to have additional time with. That didn’t seem to be the case because I was done about the time I would normally start on a weekend morning. It was then I got a text wanting to know if I had time to talk. That call turned out to be a very important one regarding the recovery work we do. I just got off the call as I started this writing. Now we have a plan to address the problem which some of us have been wondering how to handle.
God is always good. These early morning wake ups are always intentional. I love God for this.
As yesterday began I wrote in this blog about God’s insights for me regarding intimacy. In so doing I had a lengthy talk with Kathy about it. It was amazing to me to begin to hear for the first time about “best interest”. The idea that someone has my best interest in mind is utterly amazing to me. I’ve just never realized this. Now that I’m awake to it, it is easy to see why the roots of the lies conflicting with intimacy were so deeply embedded in me. The key people in my life as a child didn’t show this. Instead, their actions destroyed the natural instinct within me to trust. Even when an adult in my life like my high school music teacher wanted to take me places to sing, dad would belittle her to me. He’d say things like she wants to use you to make herself look good. The idea that this teacher had my best interest in mind was made into an ugly lie.
I must say that having this cleared within me reaches into the depth of my soul. I have always looked for the ulterior motive behind anyone wanting me to do something thinking this would not be just for good. I see this as really sick now that I am able to write it today. I’m forever grateful for God’s patience in guiding me to the truth that “best interest” is what He has always had for me and this is true with so many of the people He has brought into my life.
A good friend at Celebrate Recovery last night shared a story with me about their recent, personal walk with God. They had experienced God’s silence when asked a question about an action they should or shouldn’t take. When God did speak later in the day about His silence, this person was reminded that previously they’d been given two commands by God, one which they obeyed and one which they didn’t. God was reminding them He needed their obedience if they wanted to hear His voice.
Hearing this I then shared my own present place with God’s lessons for me about letting go of control in my life so He could become the one I always obey and always TRUST. As I stepped into teaching the lesson last night on Powerless, I shared my own present state/lesson God has me experiencing. To become powerless I have to truly believe that my best interests are not at stake, otherwise I’d never trust. I’ve learned that this is true for God–He does have each of our best interests always in His Leadership of our lives. Putting myself out there for man is an entirely different case. I’ve never actually thought through the idea of “best interest” when I was stating an action I wanted my child or my grandchild to take. If I did however, I’d know I always have this intent for them. This would be true if I were encouraging them to do something or if they ought to not do something. This is intimacy in a relationship–always having the best interest in mind–removing our own selfishness and having their interest instead.
As I take a look at this I can see why intimacy has been so threatening for me. So many things I wanted to do as a boy growing up were labeled “selfish” or “big-headed” by my dad. These would be things like being class president, student body president, leader of an organization. Dad would tell me I only wanted to do this so I’d be better than my family, or that I could get away from my family. These statements always shocked me and made me question my motives. But, it also grew into a deep resentment because these accusations just weren’t true of me and my intent. I write this because now I realize the impact this had on my trusting man today. Dad didn’t have my best interests in mind. Somehow my desires threatened his beliefs about me and my motives. This was about dad–not me. Now it is time for me to understand that I can trust people like my wife to have my best interest in mind just as I do for her. I’ve lived a long time to learn this lesson. I’ll bet there are many more still waiting to be learned!
The journey does continue and as it continues so does God’s work within us through His Loving Holy Spirit. The lesson I wrote about from Tuesday night addressed in depth the damage to intimacy abuse causes. In fact, intimacy is shattered from childhood abuse. The idea of surrendering yourself fully to someone else has always seemed ridiculous to me. “If you want to trust me that much, that’s your problem. I’m only going to trust God and me to the extent of ‘fully'”. These have always been my inner thoughts.
Today’s scripture reading began Songs of Solomon. These are the passionate love examples some say define God’s love for us and what God wants man and woman’s love for one another to be like. When I’ve read them in the past I’ve always thought they were a nice fantasy of thought. This morning, however, I’ve begun to read them as direct instruction for me. Song of Solomon is the Bible’s definition of intimacy and I am very far from it–I must confess. The message screams TRUST at me–TRUST in the form of giving myself totally to the control of someone else knowing they have my best interest at heart and would do nothing to harm me. Instead, everything they’d do is lift me up. I can see myself wanting to do this for my kids, my grandkids, my wife–but someone doing this for me?
The lesson in Celebrate Recovery tonight is Powerless. I am teaching it. To be powerless is something I’ve never wanted to be as an adult. I had too many years of this as a child. God is putting all of this reality before me presently so I can finally see that not only is HE trustworthy, so is Jesus, The Holy Spirit, and my wife. I’ll start with them. Becoming intimate is all about trust and surrendering self. This seems like more than a lesson–it is life changing! I’m ready to finally step into this knowing it is God’s next step for me.
Today is a new day. Last night was our class for Mending the Soul. As I was preparing for it, which is very different this year since it is my 2nd go round, I found myself going to very different places within me in response to the narratives to read and the questions to answer. Early childhood abuse has some awful, critical effects on the soul. No child can be in control of this. Each one is vulnerable to the “man” for which he is placed. I’ve never realized the depth of damage abuse causes until I finally got to these roots myself and actually faced them. A child buries this damage due to his inability to address them. As adults we deny their existence due to the hurt one doesn’t want to face or admit. My life has been filled with “doing” to better me for the relationships I’ve been given. Now I realize that all the doing I thought was giving me value was a lie of Satan. My value has come from my creation–the person God made me to be. The things I do are for God’s Kingdom. I’ve known that I’ve wanted to do God’s Kingdom work, I just thought if I did it well, He’d finally love me enough to take away the memories.
The truth that God makes all things new is truly a miracle. Instead of taking away the memories, He turns the memories into His surgical tools for which He does His healing work. As I’ve begun to face the damage of the past God has used my story to strengthen others to face their own. He uses other’s stories to help me realize what I still need to do/face. The result is this new creation God gave is now being freed of bondage that was rooted in the child created in God’s image. How I praise Him for this!
Today is the 37th anniversary for Kathy and me. It was then that we started our journey together living our lives as a team of three having God at the helm. As I reflect on this for a moment I realize at least in part just how much Kathy has modeled for me the love God wanted me to know from Him which included Grace and Mercy.
Kathy was the first person I ever told of my past. When I did tell her about 6 months into our marriage, I had asked her to pack her bags ahead of telling. I knew she would leave the moment she found out how black I was inside. I simply couldn’t hide this darkness any longer. Instead of leaving however, she asked me to get help. In fact, the first question she asked me was, “Would you be leaving if I’d just told you something similar to this about me?” Well, I knew I wouldn’t be leaving if this were so. I told her I just hadn’t thought of it that way. I was too consumed in my own shame and belief of myself.
Over the years I first saw God’s faithfulness to me through Kathy’s solid commitment to our marriage. All of this time I thought I needed to earn God’s love. Instead, God had given me this precious gift of a wife to model what love is truly about. How could a man be so fortunate?!! Having a God Who loves me unconditionally and to also have a wife who does the same is amazing! Kathy has always said she married me for who I am, not for what I could do. God had been trying to tell me this for years but it took a wife (Kathy) for Him to convince me of what this looks like. How much I love both of them for this!
Earnie Lewis 