It is always somewhat incredible to me having a morning like yesterday’s where I was able to tell so much to Kathy.  What never hits me is that life still has to be lived every minute of every day following the moment.  What I mean by this is that once I got into the day I wasn’t sure what living with greater freedom meant.  Thoughts still came to me similar to old ones—doubts, temptations, etc.  I ended the day thankful Kathy and I could talk but the moment of the morning didn’t really “cure/heal” anything, did it?

This morning as I had my devotions God was opening my eyes to see and hear things in His Word–Matthew.  As I got to my journaling time I asked Him what I was missing?  He simply said, “It’s time to look at my todays and at my tomorrows.  The time spent on the past is now all healed and buried at the Cross of Christ.  There is no sin in today and no sin in tomorrow (as of yet).”  Yes, my past was filled with sin that He wanted me released from.  He has forgiven me but I was still hanging on to much (not accepting the healing He was offering).  Hearing this and being able to see that my thoughts were generated from the past, helps me know that now I can cut the cord to this past.

I was telling Kathy yesterday about a time when I was in counseling and the counselor had me defining who I am separated from what I do.  I was unable to do this so the counselor had Kathy come with me to the next session.  Together they were able to help me see the difference between being and doing.  The one is who I am, the other is what I do with who I am.  At that moment in the session, the counselor asked me if I felt free now that I understood the difference.  I told her I was scared to death!  I didn’t know this person who she was describing and I’d rather walk in front of a mac truck gong 70 mph down the freeway rather than try to find out who he is.  I just knew I would end up being like my dad or my brother if this person was found out.

Well, this morning, I can now see that I want to walk in today and into tomorrow as the person God created me to be.  I can see that the person I am is no longer bound to the sins of my past or defined by those sins.  This is the new creation God has been wanting me to find and know.  Somehow, I think all of this is working!  Wow, I am so humbled to know the beginning of this tremendous freedom!

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery large group time was a testimony from one of our participants who has a background of abuse different but similar to my own.  As I was listening to it I felt emotions and hurt like I’ve never felt before.  Her story kept bringing memories of my own to the surface where I could no longer suppress them.  One of the guys at my table said, “Wow, that is a powerful testimony.”  I couldn’t speak in response to him or I would break down in sobs.  I just nodded my head.

As I got to small group I was able to talk about this and its tie to the present recovery class we are doing on Abuse.  I’ve already written about its impact on me.  Yesterday afternoon I began the lesson’s work for next Tuesday’s class.  I thought it would be easier since it is about the abuser and not me–the abused.  I was so wrong!  Yes, indeed, it is about the abuser, but the processing questions are all about the impact of the abuser and their makeup on you (me), the victim.  As difficult as all of this is to handle, I now know God is wanting me to stop the stuffing and start the confronting.  I’ve faced these memories many times in the last 10 years, but each time I have, I have followed up with stuffing any remaining part back where I had it before, saying things like, “That didn’t really bother me.”  I need to confront all of it and allow Christ’s healing work to cleanse all of me from this wretched ugliness I’ve housed.

This morning as I’ve been processing/journaling, Kathy walked into the den.  I hadn’t really opened up to her about the depths of this, but I needed to.  We talked for an hour or so.  At this point I haven’t suppressed or stuffed anything for today.  In fact, when I was journaling all of this and writing to God about it I felt Him saying to me to now write what I know He had created in me from the beginning.  It wasn’t enough to know the lies of my past are seen as such, I now need to recognize the genuine strengths He gave me.  It is not arrogant and egotistical to have strengths as my dad had made me believe.  These strengths were gifts from God to be used by Him and not to build my ego.  This was dad’s fear somehow.

Well, this is late getting out today, but I do feel much better having some grounding on the present part of my journey.  God is never done completing His work in us.  I’m finding that I can “be” who I am without shame and guilt.  And, instead, I can be glad for who I “am”.  I am a creation of God, on purpose, and working with Him in Kingdom Work.  Thank you Father!

I started into Matthew today having finished the Old Testament.  Right at this point I got a call from my daughter needing me to help take one of my grandkids to school.  My daughter had a tire problem.  She went to the tire store and I went to the school with my granddaughter.  I think all is better at this point.  So now, onto the blog—-

Early in Matthew he talks about Christ’s birth and how Harrod wanted him dead.  I hadn’t thought much about this specific point but Joyce Meyer states just how much Christ, even as a child, was a threat to Satan, Harrod, and anyone who wanted to be in supreme power.  Destroying a child was no problem for them.  Harrod had all the babies killed from the ages of 2 and under.  I just had read this as Harrod’s threat, but it is easy to see and know how much Satan was threatened knowing God had sent Christ to us to redeem man from his sins–something man continued in failing to do.

As I had posted yesterday about sexual abuse and the difficulty of doing the lesson we covered last Tuesday night, I could all of a sudden see Satan’s involvement in all of the childhood sexual abuse.  Getting this going at such a young age often grips the child to such a point they will never find Christ-like freedom.  How Satan must rejoice in this disgusting, sinful sickness.

I am so very grateful God has allowed me to get the help I’ve needed and inspired me to help others.  Last Tuesday night one of the men in our group stated to me that maybe God saw my abuse as an opportunity for me to assist in getting our Celebrate Recovery going along with the present recovery groups.  I hadn’t thought about this.  All I know is that God uses all things to His Glory when we are willing to let Him.  God does take our bondage and turns it into freedom for us and help for others to find the same.  He is such a loving, generous Father!

After last night’s class I was going to write this morning about one of our guy’s awakening from class.  It was a good one which the curriculum for Mending the Soul is written to unfold for the participants.  This gentleman has much sexual abuse from his childhood and a narcissistic father.  However, God was wanting me to appreciate this man’s awakening, but He was also wanting me to find my own awakening from this lesson we finished last night.  The stuff within me that the class was exposing was not to be hidden any longer.

My scripture reading this morning was the book of Malachi–the last one of the Old Testament.  It is very insightful regarding God’s desire to restore his creation–man–to Him.  The lesson we did for last night was about the effects of sexual abuse.  This boy–me, was born into a family with a dad who adored sports and competition.  He was a man not afraid of temper, anger, power, pride and rage–these were manly characteristics.  My brother who used me was deeply damaged by dad’s  humiliation and beatings.  I was my brother’s pacifier.  I made him feel good.  These are things I’ve understood for a while now.  For myself, I too was made to feel like I was less than a man because I wasn’t wired like dad.  I hated competitive sports which physically hurt man.  I also was sensitive to the spirit of man and cried when something was touching or someone was hurt.  I was made to feel shame for who I was.  My brother’s use of me grew into times when I would feel physical pleasure from his abuse.  This would bring more shame.  This hole in me left from a boy’s desire to be approved by his dad and affirmed by his siblings was hidden and stuffed away for life–I thought.

In all of my counseling and therapy I still have lingering times when this boy wishes to be affirmed.  This morning I was able to journal this and ask God Himself to cleanse this hole of unworthiness in me and fill it with His Holy Spirit as Christ’s Work on the Cross promises.

I continue to stand amazed with God’s thorough and tender means of dealing with man.  This class I’m taking is one more example.  As painful as it is emotionally, it is so healing when one doesn’t any longer hide the truth it exposes.  I love my Father for this!

Yesterday was one of those days where I needed to get to the bottom of a couple items.  I’d journaled about them to God asking for His leadership with both.  In each case He took care of them in such a way that I simply said to myself, “What, it was that simple?”  I won’t go into the details of the one but it had to do with a group of people who needed a good deal of direction.  I wasn’t going to have time to deal with it until today when I would be home.  In the early afternoon yesterday I got a call from the very person I needed to talk to and he wanted to address the item.  His solution took care of it completely.  I didn’t even know he knew about it, yet God did.  He wanted it happening in His timeframe, not man’s.  He put it in His timeframe just like that.

The second situation had to do with the principal I spent the day with yesterday.  Last week I had troubled him with a timeline I knew needed to be met, but he wasn’t wanting to address it and I knew it must be done.  He’d sent me an email apologizing for his behavior which I accepted, but I also knew I needed to be sure there is not an elephant in the room as we meet.  Yesterday I asked him exactly that–“Is there an elephant in the room as we meet today?”  He thanked me for asking and we were able to easily talk about last week.  We agreed to talk through ahead of time these kinds of issues as they would arise.  He is new to his position as well as new to the profession of administration so he is tentative about taking these aggressive steps that sometimes must happen.  I assured him I was only there to help with all of this.

God is the God of the Universe but He is so intimate with us in all details of life.  I just love this about Him.  I had thought I’d be spending all of today’s afternoon dealing with what a simple phone call took care of and I didn’t even know the person who called knew about it.  I like to think that what I do is God’s Kingdom work.  When things happen like yesterday I know they are because God took care of them through His leadership.  I sure like working for Him!

Psalms 46:10 says:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  The first two words of this verse are often the ones I focus on.  To be still is always a good reminder for me.  Today, was not different in having God remind me to be still.  However, as I was reminded of this important step for today I was also reminded to look at the next two words.  Have you thought about what happens when one is still?  We will then KNOW.  Specifically, we will know that I AM GOD.  God is reminding each of us that He is God and we don’t need to think we have to take charge of things.  It is much easier to live life if we know He is in charge and we are completing His charge for the day rather than me having to do this.

KNOW is a solid word.  No one can take something away from you once you know it.  Man can do a lot of things with man, but playing with what we know is something we can only play with.  Satan does this all the time.  He wants to play with what we know about God.  He tries so hard to destroy our faith, our trust, our belief in the God who says, I AM GOD.

No matter how anxious I may be, how the day plays out, or the night time dreams come, these influences will still be brought back to the truth of this simple verse from Psalms–“Be still and know that I am God.”

God is never done teaching lessons in this life.  Today is no different.  In the early morning hours I awoke feeling very anxious.  It was an odd thing because if I am anxious there is something I’m stewing about.  In this case I was simply anxious.  I kept thinking about my oldest living sis who is going into an assisted living place tomorrow.  It is a good thing and she is very excited.  She struggles with anxiety and has since losing her husband about 10 years ago.  I kept fearfully thinking, “God, am I going to be like Alice?”  I kept giving the anxiety to God and eventually I went back to sleep for a short while.

This morning as I had my devotional time I was journaling about this.  God reminded me how anxious I have always been and how well I’ve hidden it from the world around me.  I want people to think I’m in control of me and the world around me.  I know Christ tells us to not be anxious about tomorrow.  Hanging onto anxiety is a sin rather than a good thing.  God, in all His Wisdom, showed me that hiding the anxiety I feel is just like hiding the past I kept a secret for so long thinking I was a loser and the world would see me as such if they knew.  He also showed me that anxiety is a temptation just like any other.  Some people are anxious and they have to let it go or it will consume them.  Others who struggle with something else have to make the same choice–let it consume them or let it go.  When God showed this to me I could see a couple things I must do–tell it and then let it go.

Satan truly does manipulate us with the idea that secrecy of our weaknesses is the key to success.  God says, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4.  We cannot mourn unless we confess and face the issue.  We hide it otherwise and by so doing, we don’t mourn.  Today I’m confessing and letting go.  I’m sure I’ll have to do this often, but I’m getting started.

Obedience.  That is such a big and important word.  There is no part of living which doesn’t need us to be obedient if we are to live life to the fullest.  The world gives us lots of things to be obedient to which end up being destructive for us.  In the ugliest form, Satan allures us to sinfulness with its attraction.  It doesn’t matter our age, there are those sins which we know we shouldn’t do but we so want to.  The choice is then to obey our selfishness or obey our conscience.

I write this first paragraph because yesterday was one of those days where I was experiencing the results of obedience (choices) in destructive ways with those I was with rather than constructive ones.  It leaves me feeling helpless to know what to do.  This morning I was journaling about all of this and then asked God what He wanted me to know for today?  He immediately reminded me that the circumstances which man encounters as a result of his obedience towards God’s Light or his obedience towards darkness, are tools God uses to point man to Him.  I shouldn’t mourn these times but thank God for them.  When man is forced to look away from darkness and he looks up he will see Light.  If there’s anything I can and should do, it is to remember to always be looking up myself rather than looking only at the destructive darkness.

God really is an excellent teacher.  However, me being man, it seems I need to have these lessons over and over to remember my role in helping.  My own obedience needs me looking to the Light and often “being still before God” for He is the Light–not me.  To God be all Glory!  I want to thank Him today, right now, for the Good Work He is going to do rather than focusing on what I want Him to do.

As I began yesterday’s blog entry I wrote regarding how much God cares for each of us.  That is such a nice thing.  Yet, today in my scripture reading from Zephaniah, God is telling him how much He loves His children and wants to care for them.  Well, what drives caring is love.  God LOVES us and wants to CARE for us.  We have to be awake to God’s love or we miss out on His caring.  Sometimes, maybe many times, God is caring for us and we don’t even know or recognize it.

This morning as I was journaling about my day yesterday and writing to God about somethings on my mind I concluded as I do asking what He wanted me to know from Him for today?  He seemed to tell me as He often does to “be still and know that He is God”.  My body may look still but it is hard for me to have a “still mind”.  This is what I often need to spend time controlling.  Then during the day I am busy completing things I care about.  The work I do is usually regarding things I care deeply about and they are the work with schools, ministry work for recovery, singing, and things for family and friends.  These are primarily driven by the fact I care for them or care about them.  At the conclusion of God speaking to me regarding what He wanted me to know from Him for today, immediately this statement came to my mind–“I love you son.”

Do you know what it is like to hear these words out of nowhere?  No wonder God cares so much for us–He loves us–you and me!  When I heard this message this morning I about lost it.  It took me a few minutes before I could continue writing.  I’ve never heard them before in my human life that I recall.  My Father loves me!  I am learning that God loves me and I’m also learning how much intimacy is tied to this deeply important emotion.  I do get caught up in DOING driven mostly I’d say because I care.  However, I’m seeing more clearly that deeper than caring is loving.  I love seeing teachers who know they know how to teach well, principals who know they know how to lead a school well, people who say they are no longer bound by the chains of sin, family members who say how much they love God and serving Him, sensing the worship and love of God during a time of singing, and so much more.  Hearing God say this morning, “I love you son,” makes me never want to stop.  God called me “son” which makes me His.  Wow, isn’t God amazing!

It is always amazing to me just how much God cares for us.  Somehow I forget easily that God created man for fellowshipping with Him.  Life is about relationships.  One of the ugly sides of this human life is selfishness.  This is a direct result of sin entering into humanness right from the beginning.  Now that I’m at the age I am, I’m beginning to see what selfishness looks like from this time in life.  When I was growing up and even in my younger adult years, I’ve always thought it would be nice when one gets to the age that he doesn’t have to work daily and he can do what he wants. Life teaches this in our country.

Taking this class on abuse:  Mending the Soul, I am finding a continuous temptation to walk away from it and believe that, “I’m ok the way I am.  After all, I’m older and I’m helping God already through Celebrate Recovery.  Why do I need to dreg up this past yet again?”  I truly want to just be selfish and let good enough be good enough.  Satan would love for me to be content with the partial freedom I’ve found.  God on the other hand is right here saying in His confirming way that He has a freedom I’ve not known.  This is not only a freedom for me but it is His intended freedom for each and every man.  In the last couple days I’ve been needing to start the morning with this determination.  I’ve known from the first time I looked at this curriculum that I needed it.  Now that I’m in it I’m not letting going to believe the lie that partial freedom is good enough.  Even at my age there is greater freedom and I will stay the course until God is done.

The drive within to find this freedom is strong in the morning when I have my time with God and His Word, but what is even stronger is the drive to help others find this freedom for themselves.  God has given me a charge to not only find my own freedom from sin’s bondage, but to help others keep their resolve strong in finding theirs.  To God be ALL GLORY!