Yes, 36 years ago today I was a nervous wreck!  What was I doing?  I was marrying someone who had never married and I was giving her this scarred, retched man.  She was innocent of whom I was and someday she’d find out her awful mistake.  Yet, I was going to marry her anyway.  These were the thoughts I had 36 years ago today when Kathy said yes to me and I to her.  God has taken all of those lies and turned them into a life of opportunities for Him to show me what a marriage to someone whom He gave me as His gift, was like.  Instead of living in fear as I did then, I want to live in opportunity to complete all God has in store for us.  He is truly an Amazing Father!

Today I started Lamentations–Jeremiah’s laments of Jerusalem and the mighty kingdom which is now in ruins.  As I finished the book of Jeremiah and now reading Lamentations, I wondered how could Judah not take heed to this doom?  It was as though God pointed out that in reading the condensed version of this time, it is easy to see the errors of their actions.  However, look at myself today.  How many times has God shown me a path and I wouldn’t take it for whatever was holding me back?  Look at all the ones I know and look at the way they choose to live.  Is their choice reflective of what God is saying to them?  It is so easy to read a book that spans a lifetime and more and see what wasn’t seen by them.  However, it is not so easily done when one is looking at oneself.

As I journaled this morning I asked God to keep me on track with Him.  I want to not act out of fear and selfishness any longer.  I want to live life as God has intended for Kathy and me completing His perfect will.  For today, the start was taking the time to be with Him this morning and writing this to you.

The nights are longer as fall progresses into the year.  As I began my prayer time this morning it was pitch black out the den window.  I was praying for the darkness to be lifted for those on my prayer list who are struggling or battling to overcome in areas of their lives.  This included my own.  As I finished and opened my eyes the darkness was beginning to be penetrated by the first light of dawn.  I could start to see the outlines of the trees.  It was as though God was saying He is the Light and He will penetrate the very darkness of the soul Satan wants to keep firmly in place.  God is so faithful and I love Him for this.

Tomorrow is Kathy and my 36th wedding anniversary.  However, Monday’s are filled from early morning until choir ends at night.  So, we are taking today to celebrate.  I honestly didn’t know love when Kathy and I first met and even when we had married.  I knew what love wasn’t and shouldn’t be, but to know love and know how to give love–I was groping.  I’m far from good at it today but I sure am not where I was all those years ago.  For one thing, love doesn’t scare me anymore.  It use to mean being touched and hurt with the manipulation from it or the memories which haunted me of this time in my life.  This is what I knew love wasn’t, but how did one get all of this out of your mind and emotions?  This is what God has done and has been doing for me these past 10 years.  Guess who has never wavered in her support during all this time?  You are right–my wife, Kathy.  How I love her for this and thank her for her steadfast love.

God doesn’t get in a hurry as He leads us through life.  Instead, He helps us use what we experience from life to help others as He leads them through their own healing.  Somehow, this is one of God’s finest demonstrations of love.  This support that doesn’t condemn, but supports when one would fall again without it.  How good our God is!

God did some great work yesterday with the recovery ministries we are working with.  We have been needing leadership for our children while their parents are in the recovery programs whether on Tuesday night or Celebrate Recovery on Thursday.  A month ago a lady new to our area volunteered to help.  She is not only help, she is a whirlwind of God’s wisdom and delivery of service.  The kids love her and what she has them doing.  She has taken the curriculum other adults have struggled to use with the kids and made it come to life.  The lessons for the kids are to aligned with the parent’s lessons so kids and parents can have common discussions during the week.  I can finally see this happening–Praise God!

This morning we have over 100 men coming together for a men’s breakfast and speaker.  I’m asking that the pastor in charge announce one last time that the recovery classes on Tuesday will close after this week.  I’m praying for those who want to come but are afraid to address the darkness in their lives for whatever is keeping them in bondage.  The grip of Satan’s lies is powerful until we put it into the Power of God’s Presence–His Light.  How I pray for this to happen for anyone this morning who is still caught.

I often ask myself if I would step forth and ask for help by attending a class like we are offering?  My fears and bondage were not different than what grips anyone today who is caught.  Yet, how I found my freedom from this bondage is through the same Jesus Christ.  I thought I could finish my bondage breaking by getting a program started called Celebrate Recovery.  That was 10 years ago.  Little did I know how God would little by little show me the huge amount of work which was still unaddressed in my life.  All I know is that the same freedom God has given me is there for the asking.  Taking that first step is always the hardest.  Pray for those who still need to take theirs.  It is the start to FREEDOM like one never knew possible!

God’s heart–As we learn to live our life as a new creation, the life given to us when we accept Christ’s work on the Cross, we receive the Holy Spirit.  Only as we allow ourselves to listen and respond to the Holy Spirit do we begin to know the Heart of God and respond to life with it.  There is so much turmoil in our country it is hard to see the Heart of God.  What we see are the actions and turmoil of man.  I know I can get lost in each day’s turmoil and strife, but God is asking each of us to choose His Heart by responding to His Spirit.  In so doing we place His Spirit in the lead of our life.  All of this comes down to each man’s decision.  I want to have God’s Holy Spirit leading me each and every day.  I blow it often, but each morning I come back to this same decision–will I commit this day to God and His Spirit’s work in my life?  My answer is, “Yes.”

As I read in Jeremiah again this morning I am baffled by man.  Jeremiah literally is telling the few remaining Jews to come back to God’s Ways.  Yet, they turn his message into a simple one as only coming from the man Jeremiah instead of him being God’s messenger.  Unfortunately, I sense us doing this today.  All the warning signs given to us don’t seem to make any difference.  However, the differences we can make as individuals for God’s Kingdom will be made by each of us.  I choose today to follow God’s leading in my life.

The anxiety of the previous days was gone as I wrote yesterday’s blog.  What wasn’t gone was the spent person.  By the time I got home last night I could hardly stay awake following supper.  All I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to bed (or in reverse order).  I finally did that at 9.  The last thing I wanted was to awake at 3 or 4 am and be wide awake.  Anyway, enough of that.

My devotional this morning reminded me that one cannot be pessimistic in the face of God.  God is the One of Promise, Hope, Salvation, Light and so much more.  Take a step away from all of this and one can be quite pessimistic.  However, turn and see the Light and the pessimism flees.  I loved this message for today.

As I’ve been reading Jeremiah and the Jewish people being taken to Babylon, it makes me see very similar deterioration in our own country’s walk with God.  No longer do we hold the Word of God as our moral compass. No longer do we call on God as our strength.  However, I sense God asking each of us who will to be a Light carrier for Him to the world we face each day.  Even in our great country there is heartache all around us.  Sin is abundant and the effects of it are why I love our recovery programs.  I know the sins of our society from the abuse of them and the ones of my own living.  All of these are buried at the Cross of Christ, but Satan has so many believing otherwise.  So, lets be a Light bearer for Christ our King in this world for which we live.

Today is a new day.  The past couple days have started with a sense of anxiety that has been overwhelming each morning.  I’ve lived with this long enough to know I will move through the day in spite of it but I couldn’t put my finger on the “why” of it. Now I know.  Last night’s class was my first time to be able to simply work through the lesson on abuse with the men coming.  We started getting into the “why” we were in the class.  I found it amazing that two of us talked about the anxiety of doing this and the other two talked about their excitement to delve into it.  The emotions of man!

This morning the anxiety of the past couple days is gone.  Getting started last night exposing what is inside was simply freeing–hard at the time, but the after effect is freeing and this morning I feel calm and at ease.  Wow, God is so Amazing!

Yesterday, along with the class last night, I met with a man who wanted to talk through his present battle.  God was very present and I think he was able to get God’s Light in moving ahead.  I then stopped by my brother’s place to check in with him.  A week from today I will take him to this final doctor’s appointment so he can be released from the wheelchair (or I hope that is the outcome of the appointment).  It was so good to see him in good spirits and he demonstrated his ability to walk without any help–at least for a short distance.

Today I head to the high school of the district I’m assisting.  I’m needing to breathe deep and see what is needed as a 3-year assignment rather than a quick fix.  I’ve known it is a 3-year one, but my actions/thoughts have been to act quickly and get things moving.  I do know that there’s much to do in order to move.  I need to remember that starting slow and doing this thoroughly will lead to the ability to move quickly once we get our work well defined.

God is so good and I am learning to complete His assignments as such.  The idea I need to take the ropes from Him and do all the work is a new concept yet it is one I want to get much better at.  God will put these 3-years together and I need to do my work one day at a time with Him staying at the helm.

Yesterday’s work with the school was more perplexing than fun as I’d said in yesterday’s blog.  Yes, I do enjoy classroom observations, but it reminded me to pause on doing too much analysis from one visit.  There are so many elements which come into play in putting a lesson together and then teaching it.  I’ll want to spend more time before I should jump into any analysis.  Plus, all of this needs to directly involve the teachers and their new admin.  Just like the principal, only one of the teachers has been there for any length of time.  Everyone else acquired the learning gap the district has.  I know God has a plan for this and right now I strongly sense Him saying to get better acquainted before jumping into too much “telling”.

The uneasiness of having things to do but not being sure how to address them was hitting me hard last night.  The Christmas program rehearsals have begun.  Even though I don’t have a major role, there are still several songs to memorize.  I’m also asked to sing a solo with our choir in a few weeks which also requires memorization.  These added to yesterdays complexity and then today meeting with a Celebrate Recovery man who is troubled and wants to talk, I woke in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  I felt anxious and unable to handle what is on the plate.  Even though I attempted to “let them go” I kept hanging onto them.  This morning as I journaled about all of this God simply reminded me these are His items and my assignments for doing my part.  He never gives us more than we can handle.  He is always with us.  Satan does have a hay day at moments like last night.  However, this morning I am reminded of who is ultimately in control.  It isn’t as though I don’t have 68 years of experiencing God win out.  Satan wants me to believe all the lies he plants in my mind or that my “old-self mind” wants to conger up.

Today I’m a new creation and going to live in this belief I know is true.  In this there is great freedom.  I choose to be free as Christ has set me free!

I’m stymied this morning with the writing of this blog.  I have random thoughts going through my head but they do not connect to a meaningful thread.  Yesterday was a blessed day in many ways.  The birthday of my oldest granddaughter–turning 17 years old.  She is one of those jewels I wrote about yesterday.

Today I go to the elementary school in the district for which I work.  The principal and I will be going into each of the teacher’s rooms observing what is taking place instructionally and particularly looking for effectiveness in the instruction’s relevance to what students are to know.  I actually love this type of work.  It is fun to see kids well engaged in learning and its also fun to see teachers engaged in teaching that helps kids see lights clicking on with new knowledge and the application of that knowledge.  I still love new learning today and the use of it.  I suppose that is why all the new technology is fun for it certainly brings new learning opportunities for us.

God has made learning enjoyable when we are learning for the right reasons.  Satan has all these devious deterrents for kids and us.  Learning that turns out to be selfish and hinders us–turns into bad habits and leads us into bondage.  God’s learning is always done in LIGHT.  It is learning that we can share with others and others profit because we do share it.  As I write this I can see the missing thread from the first paragraph.  It is LIGHT.  Learning that is healthy has no walls around it blocking LIGHT.  However, Satan’s evil always blocks LIGHT.  I want to keep this mental picture in the forefront of my day.

This morning as I was reading in Jeremiah, God is telling the captured Israelites to multiply in their new location–Babylon.  He is using Jeremiah to pass this message along to them.  The means in which God communicates this message leaves me seeing that children and grandchildren are jewels.  He wanted them to prosper in this new territory because in due time He would bring them back to Israel.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:  “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.”  There are so many times in my younger years I read this or heard this from a pastor’s sermon.  I didn’t know how to translate it into meaning for me.  I would think there may be some hope for me with all my hidden filth but there would be no way God could prosper me while I kept the ugliness a secret.  God just doesn’t bless filthy rags I KNEW.  Somehow though, God has taken what I knew was filth and turned it into a message of love and support.  He hasn’t just done this for me but for those He wanted my story to help.  I can’t fathom how He does this, but He just does.  Yes, we have to eventually take the steps I’ve learned to take trusting that the verse in Jeremiah is true– “…plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.”  I feel as though I’m living today in the final outcome days.  The bondage I’ve known is gone and instead of bondage it’s a message being used to help others.  It’s a message of FREEDOM.

God is truly AMAZING!

As I begin this entry today I type the title and then ponder, continues from what?  Instantly I know the what but I don’t often put it in the blog.  I never want to lose sight of the freedom God is granting me from the mental torment and bondage I lived with all my life.  Freedom from the grip of addiction: pornography on the internet; freedom from the fear of someone always lurking close by wanting to take advantage of me somehow; freedom from the fear that I’d never be free from the voices of dad in my head criticizing every decision and thought I had, often paralyzing me.  There is more but this is enough.  These days are now much behind me.  Yes, there are moments in a week when they start but for most of them I am able to put them at bay right then.

Freedom is never something to take for granted.  There is always a battle, and sometimes many battles, to be fought in order to gain freedom.  For me, most of my battles were already fought through Christ’s Work on the Cross.  I was the one who didn’t accept them nor did I know how to accept His Work.  Once I let go of believing the sin of my brother to my body was not my sin and that the criticism of dad was his sin, not my makeup, I began to find greater freedom.

Much of the freedom is crippled by being owned by fear.  Now that fear is on the outside of me rather than inside owning me, I can see this.  It is one of the greatest reasons my journey to freedom exists.  I wake up each morning with fears wanting me to believe them as true.  This morning God reminded me that evil is present always around us.  Know this.  But, also know that The Holy Spirit living within us recognizes the evil and will deal with it if we surrender the fear to Him rather than battle the lie ourselves.  We do this by trusting The Holy Spirit and telling Him to take care of the lie and then moving forward with what God has in store for the day.

I am only one step away from the torment of my past.  But, now that I know I am a new creation and this new creation is not one of fear, but one filled with God’s Holy Spirit who has already won the battle, I move forward with victory rather than the fear of another defeat.  Join me in this belief if this torment is still within you.  God does not wanting you or me believing there is no peace this side of death for there is GREAT PEACE when we can let it go!