The message of yesterday’s journey entry still has me on the edge of the cliff.  I’ve always been deathly afraid of heights and it has never gotten any better as I’ve grown older.  I could tell many stories regarding me and heights and dreams of such.  They are haunting!  That’s  a lot like the feeling I have regarding yesterday’s entry.  Sins of omission are easy to commit for me just as I believe they were for my mom.  I think that must be exactly what my mom dealt with.  For mom to step into one of dad’s attacks would have been like me jumping off a cliff to skydive.  The fear would be so gripping there would be no way to do it!

This morning God has been outlining for me just how much trust I need to have in order to truly have His Son Jesus on the throne of my life.  In fact it all started when I was journaling.  I was pondering how Jesus could know God so well that He trusted Him to complete every task God gave Him to do?  Somehow from the very beginning of Christ’s birth, Mary and Joseph parented Him in such a way that He could believe in God as well as in the Creation God had given Him.  In my journaling God was asking me how much I believe in the creation He gave me?  On the surface, I believe I can complete assignments He gives me.  I have that natural instinct for lots of things–“Oh yeah, we can do that!”  I think.  But take the assignment to the inner me and I will have to admit, well, I can’t do it but I’m good at finding someone else you can trust who can help you.  I don’t believe in me very well.

This journey right now has me on a path along a cliff.  God is going deep into who I believe I am and He is asking me to peer over the cliff to see who He created me to be.  This is more fearful than exciting at the moment.  I recall when I was very young how excited I was to simply be me.  I didn’t consciously think this but I was happy being me.  Yet, I recall all too well, the ridicule and beatings for being who I am.  No one of my parents in my childhood ever told me who I am was valuable. I grew to believe I was a mistake and if I were to ever have value it would have to be outside of our family. But, God is trying to show me His purpose and love today.  I guess I’ll trust the path to see what it leads me to.  Actually, I think God is wanting me to halt on the path to see what I’m suppose to be seeing while at this particular point on it.  Right now, it is hard to look up, down or out.  However, today, I’m going to attempt to see what is out there that I’m missing.

It didn’t take long yesterday for me to know why I didn’t have any particular thing on my mind as I wrote the blog.  When I finished it I went immediately to the lesson completion for last night’s recovery class on Abuse.  The activities we were to complete were all about intimacy in our relationship with God ( including our belief of Who He is, how we see ourselves, etc.).  The questions and activities we were to complete ended up being grueling to do.  I had read these things a year ago when Kathy and I were in Charleston, SC and knew God wanted me to get this going in our church.  Now they are going and I’m caught in the midst of my own recovery doing them.

What was astounding to me was the unexpected part my mom had in this.  In my mind my mom has always been a saint.  It was easy to see it too because she was being compared to dad’s explosive, abusive physical beatings and verbal beatings.  Mom was never this way.  However, one of the questions that shed light on this stunning discovery was what influence did my parents have on my view of God?  I’ve always known God wasn’t like dad.  Good grief, how could a God be like him?  I just knew that wasn’t true.  What I’d never had revealed to me was the view I had of mom being like God.  Mom was wonderfully kind in taking care of us.  What she wasn’t good at doing was coming along side you to counter dad’s abuse or in my case, my brother’s abuse.  She simply was SILENT.  She knew, but she never responded.  Maybe she prayed (which I’m sure she did) but I definitely needed to hear from her.  This action is what solidified in me my belief about God.  I’ve said so many times that I always thought God was just like scripture describes Him–loving, kind, compassionate and so much more, BUT, He just didn’t care much for me.  How  could a God allow all of this to happen and never stop it or at least comfort you afterwards with words or a touch of support somehow?  This is what I longed for with my mom.

All day yesterday I was perplexed about the lesson and then having to process it with the men last night, hearing them and telling my own, gave me less emotional trauma and more ability to see it as it is–neglect.  The class identifies the different types of abuse–blatant, like dad’s and my brother’s, and neglect which is more like mom’s.  I’ve dealt forthrightly with all of dad’s and my brother’s, but I’ve done little to face the truth of mom’s neglect.  I never wanted to hurt this dear mom of mine!  Even if I felt hurt she didn’t deserve to be hurt by throwing something like this in her face.  This morning, however, I knew I needed to do this.  God, mom and I had our time together and I was able to give all of this absence of support to Christ so it can be buried at the foot of the Cross with the sins He’d already buried there.  Wow, do I feel raw right now!  However, I sense a love of God penetrating me like I’ve never known.  Thank you Father, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit!

Most days what I’m going to write at this time is right in the forefront of my mind.  Today is not that way.  I have a few things I want to get done and that is all that is there.  In my devotions Ezekiel is being told some ugly things to tell the people of Israel.  Yes, it is all about their judgment from poor choices and now their choices have caught up with them.  They have had many, many opportunities to turn back to God and His Ways, but they didn’t take heed to the ongoing warnings.

If nothing else, I do want this to be a lesson for me.  Following God, building a relationship with Him, His Son and Holy Spirit, is only as strong as my obedience to them and the time I spend with them.  If nothing else, this can be my lesson for today.  Our judgment day will come, no one gets to be without one.  I want to be awake to this fact and correct myself today.  This alone is a full time job!

Today I had a most interesting thing happen while I was having my devotions.  I’m now reading in Ezekiel.  God is having Ezekiel reinforce the message to the Israelites as to why they are now in captivity and Israel/Jerusalem is in ruins.  Ezekiel is charged over and over to give these messages.  I was admiring within myself the relationship God and Ezekiel had with one another.  It is like best friends.  They trust one another.

As I was journaling I told God I wished I had a best friend.  I have scores of friends but if I were to say I have a best friend I wouldn’t know for sure who it is and I wouldn’t even know how to differentiate him from the score of friends.  As I was writing this I was nudged by God saying this is what He wants with (us) me.  He doesn’t just want to be friends with man or to be God with man.  The reason He says in scripture He gave us a heart of flesh is so He would be at the core of us–our best friend.  All of a sudden as I was writing and processing this, I realized those 3 words–heart of flesh–represent God as HEART and flesh as man.  The “of” tells the heart is in flesh.  The heart is the core or essence of the flesh.  There is substance making up the flesh but the heart of the flesh is what gives it life.  God isn’t wanting to just be the leader of my life like a person in charge.  He wants to be leader of my life as my best Friend who I trust with all my being.

All this time I’ve been journaling to God (the past 2 years and 3 months) and now I finally realize the greatest message–He wants to be my BEST FRIEND.  He doesn’t just want to be my Lord and Master, but to be my FRIEND.  There is probably more to add to this message, but this is as far as my words will go in describing it for today.  I’m rather overwhelmed at this moment.  Taking what I’ve known in my head for years and now knowing it in my heart is a remarkable discovery!

This morning as I began my devotions my mind began to drift into areas of today and then quickly into the several days ahead.  As I did this I started to have all these questions arising about the different activities which are to take place in the near future: “Who is going to take care of this and that?”, “What is my role in it?”, and so much more.  All of a sudden I felt The Holy Spirit’s nudge.  He was saying I’m stepping right into what yesterday’s lesson was all about.  I suddenly became aware of how often I do this and just how much it represents my flesh.  It is going to take me some time to break this habit, but I do want to do this.  If Christ is going to be on the throne of my life 24/7, I want Him to be there in charge of me, not just when I think I need Him.  This behavior is a devious one for I’ve thought all these years that I was doing a good job planning.  Now I can see there is no planning taking place in my worry.  In it I eventually come to the place I need to set it aside and let God take control.  So, why not let Christ have the control from the start of this?  I’m going to work on it.

Today we have our monthly Celebrate Recovery Leadership meeting following the worship services.  After it the ministry leaders and I have our own meeting to address some issues which have arisen.  This is actually what started my mind jumping ahead earlier this morning.  Then I quickly went into all kinds of things coming up in the near future–things I can easily get lost in but can’t do anything about until the time is present.  That joy in life can only be real when I consciously keep Christ in my control seat.  I do want to stay in the surrender seat and let Christ stay in the control one.  I know this is what Christ is wanting me to learn as my assignment in today’s journey–one step at a time!

The dilemma I mentioned yesterday is something God is wanting me to address.  However, it is not so much in addressing it by deciding if I am doing too much or not enough or some other reason not thought through.  As I have been working through this in my devotions this morning I find Him saying, “This is all about a matter of trust.”

I have never heard anyone talk about God calling them into something for a defined period of time.  I have heard ones talk about what God called them to do came to an end but they never knew that upfront.  God calls us to do what He asks for the day.  I am finally seeing that when I move beyond the day I step right into fretting/worrying/anxiety.  The bible clearly calls them sins.  This is what God is wanting me to learn from this new awareness He is showing me.  I don’t talk a lot about what anxiousness I sense inside me, but it is usually present to some degree or to a large degree.  God is telling me to let this go.  The way I let it go is to TRUST HIM in the day and then trust Him for all the tomorrows.

As I was working through this in my devotional time this morning there was an unexpected outcome.  All of a sudden I began to sense JOY.  It was as though when I let go of worry I found joy.  JOY is waiting at the door for us when we stop worrying.  One can’t know joy and worry at the same time.  However, joy is hardwired in us when we take captive the option to worry.  God’s Word never says it is ok to worry about this or that and but not ok to worry about these things.  God’s Word says worry is a sin.  I can see clearly now that worry removes TRUST.

I’ve heard a lot about all of this in my life but God is wanting me to apply it to my daily living.  So, here goes day one of intentional living in TRUST rather than the opposite.  And my prize—-JOY!

God is simply AMAZING!  I say this because it is Friday and I just want to spend the day with Him.  I know whatever I do God is with me, but I want to be with Him rather than Him being with me.  It is all a huge mind shift.  Also, it is a fear-breaker and confidence builder.  I use to think confidence aligned with arrogance/ego as I saw in my dad, but the confidence God gives is not that at all.  It is far more about assurance that even though you don’t see all the steps as clearly as you’d like, you can trust God to lead you “one step at a time, one moment at a time….” as the Serenity Prayer states.

I write this first paragraph because I’m caught right now in an emotional/mental dilemma I said I wouldn’t do again.  It is about the amount of work I’d accept for this year from the consulting world.  More time is seemingly needed where I am presently working and one more district is needing an interim amount of time.  In times past I’d say yes because it felt good to be wanted and needed.  Today, however, it seems God is shedding Light on this telling me to do as He is asking.  I have all these questions come to mind quickly like:  “What about the time needed for recovery work?”, What about time for my family, grandkids, choir, Christmas rehearsal, quartet, garden clean-up, etc.?”  I then hear, “…one day at a time, one moment at a time, taking hardship as a pathway to peace.”

The journey God gives is quite amazing.  I don’t want to spend another minute on this journey with Him anyplace but in the Lead.  Learning to walk this way throughout each and every day is now my new lesson.  Join me?

The Journey Continues but in so doing, the Light gets brighter showing more vividly where the path is leading.  This is the first time I’ve begun to understand and see this.  My human nature had learned fear as my way of dealing with what was ahead of me.  I would be excited in my spirit but coupled right with the excitement has been a tremendous amount of fear.  The fear would be about another failure, another opportunity for being abused by new people I’d be meeting, etc.  A fear that would isolate and paralyze me from taking any step my excitement might want me to take.  God is helping me see that the path for which the journey takes is one of His Making.  The Light He is providing isn’t a Light that shows me down the road several years.  It is a Light for the moment and sometimes for the day.  It is as if it is the confidence to go into the day knowing I’m completing my day’s assignment with God at the helm without seeing anything but God’s opportunity to serve Him.

I sat by my grandson last night watching my granddaughter’s volleyball game.  (They won by the way!)  I was listening to him talk about so many things he’s now doing since he is living on his own in his newly purchased house.  He is not afraid of stepping into many of man’s entertaining opportunities and he even sees them as fun and adventurous.  I listen and quickly see how so many men get caught in their addictions.  Soon these “entertaining things” turn into more than just fun.  “I need them to make me feel better”.  He and I can talk about these things as time moves on but I saw something I FEARED as a youth while he is enticed.  I see for the first time that neither is right or wrong, they are just how man handles man’s ways.  God was helping me see that these ways without God’s Light turn to darkness and sometimes turn to darkness quickly.  I don’t fear this as I once would, but I am much more awake to the need to follow God’s nudges as He gives them.

God’s ways and His nudges do seem at time to be overwhelming and impossible.  Yet, as I am learning just how gentle, kind and long-suffering He is, I want to complete whatever He asks for my confidence is growing tremendously in this arena.  Wow, God is Good!

The word for today–LORD.  There are 4 guys in our recovery class for abuse meeting on Tuesday nights.  (There are 9 in the ladies group but I just know women are far more able to face these demons than we men are.  We have to be strong in and of ourselves, we think.)  As we were talking through the lesson which was all about awakening to the areas of abuse/neglect from our past, I kept hearing others say things like: “I couldn’t do that because I feared”, or “I couldn’t take that step because I knew I’d fail”, etc.  These sounded just like my messages.  However, this time I was hearing it in retrospect to what I was learning from the lesson.  God gave us Jesus Christ to create a pathway to Him.  But, if we never let Christ be Lord of our life, we never allow the pathway to God to be cleared.  We are constantly dealing with the garbage strewn throughout the path.  Boy, can I see this now.

This morning I’m reading in Ezekiel about God’s message to him.  God tells him the children of Israel have been stubborn and unwilling to let Him be their Lord and King.  They wanted to have an earthly king and be lead my man’s wisdom rather than God’s.  Now they were experiencing the consequences of their hard-heartedness but they were still not getting the message.  When God showed me just a few years ago the verse Jeremiah 24:7, “…I will remove the heart of stone…and give you a heart of flesh”,  I knew He was talking about my hardened heart toward sensitivity to man.  What I’m finally awakening to is that God was wanting me to awaken to being sensitive to HIM.  The original heart He gave me (us) was a heart of flesh–sensitivity to Him.  Sin turns this heart toward self–selfishness.  I will never be sensitive to man the way God is until I’m capable and willing to be sensitive to Him.  This looks like obeying His nudges, allowing myself to feel what He has me see and what He has me hear.  I then do not respond out of my willfulness, but out of His nudges.

LORD,  this word means “leader”.  If Jesus Christ are going to be LORD of my life I must not only have Him on the throne of my life, but willingly respond to Him as my Lord.  This isn’t when I feel ok about it, but each time He nudges.  I have so much to learn about this.  A “heart of flesh” is a powerful gift God is wanting me to understand in a richer way.  The garbage strewn in my pathway will be cleared by God as I allow Him to fully heal my heart and respond in trust to His Leading as LORD.

I finished my devotions this morning, refilled my coffee cup and went right to doing my recovery group lesson for tonight.  I’m not working today so I had planned to use the time after devotions to finish it.  Well, I did do just that.  In so doing I forgot all about doing my blog!  The lesson required each participant to build a timeline of their life from birth to present putting the pro’s of life above the line and the neg’s of life below it.  This was actually last week’s lesson in part but none of the guys had put anything on it except for myself.  I’d done this type of assignment before so it was easier for me to process through it.  Tonight we are completing all that wasn’t done last week.  Everyone agreed to getting theirs done.

In having done 7-Pillars (class for sexually addicted men) a couple years ago and now starting the class for abuse, I can finally see what I’ve never been able to process for myself.  This is all about Christ living on the throne of my life and The Holy Spirit living within me.  In 7-Pillars and in The Conquer DVD’s, the author says Christ’s throne is in the amygdala portion of our brain.  I said at the time I thought “that was stupid”.  Why would Christ want to live in the primal portion of me?  Little did I realize at the time how critical this statement is.  Now that I’m going through the class for abuse do I realize this portion of my brain was damaged severely from the early childhood abuse.  I had so many false beliefs and fears controlling me.  Only now do I see how critical it is to have Christ in this area for me.  This is the area driving all the lies I have believed about myself for as long as I’ve lived.  Even though I might fear something, Christ compels me to not be paralyzed by the fear but to step into it and complete what His Holy Spirit nudges to do and do it from His Strength rather than my own self-will.

Finally, I am awakening more and more to this reality.  In all of this, the fear of telling becomes easier and easier because I do this through God’s nudges within rather than out of sheer self-disciple like when I gave my testimony 9 years ago to our Celebrate Recovery group.  That night I can only remember starting to give it and then talking about it in the share group an hour later.  The rest of the time is blank in my mind.  I have no recall of it.  That’s what my brain did with trauma when I was a child and it still has done this until more recently as I’ve been able to live and do what God wants done and do it from His Spirit’s nudges rather than from my own self-will.  I’m so glad to be taking this class for abuse.  It completes a hole within me that God wants filled with Him.