I went to reread yesterday’s post to not being able to find it.  Yesterday was a struggling day knowing I was going to have to introduce myself at Celebrate Recovery as one who struggles with homosexuality for the second time.  This is a pride thing for me and one I’m certainly not proud of and yet I know it is one God wants me using to help others open up themselves.  I know that yesterday when I started the blog I hit the button for “blog page” and then realized I was to hit it for “blog post”.  The page that opened looked just like any other but it obviously is one I cannot find today and it didn’t connect with the others I’ve written.  Oh well, today is here.

Last night I ended up giving the Celebrate Recovery lesson on “Forgiveness”.  It was a comedy of errors actually.  The one who organizes lesson teachers and testimonies was gone.  The person who had signed up for the lesson was also gone and who she had asked to sub for her had forgotten.  This came out 30 minutes ahead of starting.  I live close so I ran home and got my lesson outline since I’ve taught this one before.  As I was literally reading through it on my drive back to church I said out loud to God–“You did this on purpose!”  The lesson was one in which I could address once again my need to forgive myself for being human and having struggles that hurt my pride, but nonetheless, still must be brought into the Light of Christ rather than stuffed into a closet as I had done most of my life.

Today feels like a day of victory getting through all of this yesterday.  I’m headed to a school to wrap up the work with them.  It will be a time of victory too as they are doing well.  God is always good and what He wants us to do is always the right thing to do.  I have needed to relearn this lesson over and over.

Today brings more clarity for me of yesterday’s devotional message.  I had mentioned that Joyce Meyer says we often live in the land of even.  We just get by from one pay check to another and from one event in our lives to another.  There is not much, if any, freedom in this type of living.  What there is however, is a good deal of personal selfishness.  Things like:  “I don’t think I’d want to do that.”, “What would others think if I were to do this?”, “Surely God is not asking me to do this.” and there are so many more questions of this nature.  I’m coming back to this but need to take you on a different course for a moment.

As I was having my devotions this morning two things were prominent in my mind.  One was from Deuteronomy where Moses is telling the Israelites to simply follow God’s Ten Commandments and they will prosper.  Disobedience to them will lead to defeat and a total lack of freedom. Secondly, Blackaby’s, in my devotional I’m reading, talk about surrounding yourself with friends who point you towards God’s Truth when we are straying away from it and may not even know it.

I’ve lived in fear most of my life.  I’ve had people ask me why I never became a superintendent?  I’ve had people ask me why I never ran for a public office, etc.  I even had my dad ask me if I’d consider being a preacher when I was in early high school.  These questions were always instantly fear invoking for me.  The first thought was what would people think if they knew my truth?  I’d be forever banned from society and these positions in life were too public. I would be too often scrutinized and someone would stumble into my past and find out what a failure I am.  I know all of this is a lie today.   Then, I didn’t know and I sure wasn’t going to take any steps to find out otherwise.  Besides, the ones asking me these questions didn’t know my truth or they wouldn’t be asking–I’d think.

Today I don’t know, nor do I want to ponder this past, what would have happened if I’d stepped into a more public role in life.  What is important for me is that I no longer believe the lies.  God has been healing the windows into my soul as I expose all of the lies I believed in the past.  These windows are beliefs I’ve had where Satan could easily enter and paralyze me.  I can now better sort out what are Satan’s lies.

Now back to the beginning of this blog—I lived for a long time in the “land of even”.  I lived for God but I chose what I could and would do according to what I thought was safe and what I thought allowed freedom.  I never want to do this again.  Now I want my friends to help keep me focused on God’s Truths and I want to do this for others also.  In Deuteronomy Moses is telling the Israelites to hold one another accountable to living for God by obeying His Commandments which were to be written on their hearts.  Do not let the people of the land they are entering influence this Truth God has given them.  God’s healing touch for you and me is strengthened by whom we allow to influence us.  I want to keep this always in the forefront of my actions.

Today was to start by going to a middle school I work with.  About 30 minutes into my devotional time I got a text from the principal that there had been a student death last night from her site and today wouldn’t be a productive day for us to try and be together.  I certainly can understand this.  What a sad moment.  I know nothing about the circumstances at this point but I will be praying.  This actually frees me to be able to spend the day getting the work done for the school I am helping where the principal’s husband is dying from cancer.  So much tragedy.  Being a helper in these times without being in the way is the right thing to.

This morning’s devotion is leaving me with much to ponder.  The Israelites are now almost ready to enter their promise land God had told them about 40 years ago.  Yet, it has taken this long due to their continued disobedience.  Joyce Meyer says in an insert that we today so often stay in the “land of even” where we just get by living one day at a time, from one paycheck to the next.  God has a promised land for each of us but we hinder ever getting there out of our own selfishness and fear of following God fully.  I know this way of living for I’ve lived in the fear of following God much of my life.  I would live for Him in what I determined was safe for fear if others knew more, I would be expelled.  I do know better today, but I still find myself battling the mindset of total obedience and living by trust and faith.  I know that the promise land here on earth is only found in this trusting, faithful living.  This is my desire to grow in this with God fully leading each and every day.

Happy Mother’s Day!  As I reflected on this for a moment I was quickly reminded that man focuses us on man’s accomplishments, etc.  However, in God’s eyes, the greatest accomplishments we obtain are focusing others on God Himself by our example to them and the words we speak to them.  This is exactly what my mom did for me.  Of all the people I know, she modeled how to seek God in all things of my life.  I love her for this!

As I was having my devotional reading and my scripture reading it seemed they were once again aligning a tremendous message I was to know and pass along.  In Deuteronomy Moses is telling the Israelites that the journey they were to take from Egypt to the Promised Land was one of days.  However, because of disobedience it had now taken 40 years.  My devotional reading was asking about my obedience and what was I allowing to stand in my way of obeying God?  When reading the two together I realize how many years I wondered in the wilderness of fear and judgment when God wanted me to wander in His freedom from my obedience to Him.

God has provided me tremendous freedom in the past few years from a past of bondage.  However, to find the freedom I had to take huge steps into telling what the bondage was and getting help for it.  These turned out to be big steps but when I took them they were a multitude of baby steps.  It took several years to get to the place of freedom I am now knowing.  I sure encourage any reader to listen to God’s nudges and don’t let the lies of Satan any longer keep you in bondage.  God’s truth of freedom is not for some–it is for all who are willing to begin the journey of taking each baby step He asks you to take.  There is also much support for you once you begin.  Loneliness and fear turn into support as you do this for others are waiting to give their support.

Yesterday was a second day of conference attendance.  Thursday had been the conference day to focus a church on being a safe place for the LBGT to find spiritual support and help when they want to step away from their inner turmoil of temptation.  Yesterday was a day conference regarding the secular work I do in the education world.  It was all about helping the schools/districts who have failed three years in a row in meeting their student learning goals and what our work with them is to look like.  I was realizing this morning that in both cases people are feeling like failures.  God is preparing us to step into their world to give them hope and direction which God has already prepared.  In each case, one can find real freedom if they are committed to making changes in how they live out each day.  One is spiritual guidance and one is secular but God is showing me that He sees all of it as His Spiritual Work.  I am to see it this way too and actually I do.

Last night as I got home from the second day of conference attendance and I was mentally exhausted.  Kathy and I were to go to a party hosted by a couple in our church which would just be playing a game neither of us had played.  It turned out to be so much fun.  We didn’t get home until after midnight and that is at least two hours later than a normal night’s bedtime for me.  Today I feel the effects of it but I also know there is hopefully naptime built into the afternoon.  It was a nice reprieve from the two days and now I can let God show me how and where He is wanting me to begin work from the direction He has provided.

Last night was a good reminder of God’s Grace.  Not so long ago I’d have been nervous the entire night with so many people being present I didn’t know and in very close quarters.  However, Kathy and I simply had an enjoyable evening meeting people and laughing with them.  God is helping me see how my past doesn’t need to be a wall separating me from others, especially men.  I can use it for God as a tool to help others know this freedom I’m finding is also equally available for them.

Somehow in the messiness of life, there come moments of calm.  That is what I most often find when I come to God each morning.  I bring to him all the messiness of the day before, my thoughts about it, my inability to know what to do and He gives me a calm.  This is how I felt this morning after yesterday’s conference.  There were 40+ churches represented there in our valley.  What I wasn’t expecting was the true focus of the conference.  I had been asked to attend by the pastor in our church who oversees all of the recovery ministries.  Being a layman I had my own thoughts regarding what I’d get from attending.  Of course my thoughts were selfish–there it is again.

The entire day was spent focusing attendees from each church around the idea that in order for anyone from the LBGT world to feel welcome in a church, the church needs to have a welcoming, safe sense about them.  People know upon arrival if the likelihood of acceptance is present.  There were 6 people from our church present so it became a time of genuine awakening for all of us.  I was so glad we had 3 attending from our youth program.  I had gone yesterday to glean skills for the work we will be doing this fall.  However, I walked away realizing there is an entire structure of awakening and acceptance that needs to be created in order for our work this coming fall to thrive.

This morning God reminded me I am on assignment but I am certainly not alone in it.  He will guide what He wants done and He has created the platform for which we can now do more work in advance to create the environment of GRACE His Son Jesus offered to all mankind with His work on the Cross.   Our church can be a beacon of God’s Light to a group of people so often chastised by the Christian church.  I’m so glad God has included me in this.

Well, God did yesterday just what He said he would do–He pointed out a huge area of selfishness He wanted addressed by me.  Yesterday morning following my devotions and writing this blog I read chapter 6 in the book Jesus The King, by  Timothy Keller.  I’m going through this with a pastor at our church.  We had started this last fall but my work kept me so busy we couldn’t meet regularly until yesterday.  The book is a study of the Bible’s book–Mark.  In this chapter Jesus is addressed by the man who wants him to come to his home and heal his 12 year old daughter who has an intense fever.  On the way to the home a woman touches the hem of Jesus’ garment and is healed.  Jesus finds out who the lady is and has her speak the reason she did it.  (I thought I knew this story through and through until yesterday.)  She wanted to be healed of her bleeding and didn’t want to bring any attention to herself in so doing.  However, Jesus wanted her healing to be known to the crowd even though it was delaying his healing of the 12 year old girl who had died by this time.  So, the lady told the crowd of her bleeding and how it had stopped the moment she touched  Jesus garment.  When I read this I was told by God that I was to change how I introduce myself to the others in our Celebrate Recovery group.  For our entire time of almost 10 years I’ve said: “Hi, my name is Earnie.  I’m a grateful believer in Jesus who struggles with the effects of childhood sexual abuse and physical/emotional abuse.”  God went onto say that my very personal bleeding was no longer this, but it was the fact that I struggle with homosexuality.  I’ve want to privately have this healed and then move on with life saying what I’ve been saying.  Even though I have made it know that this is a struggle, I don’t want to have to repeat it so often.  It has always felt safer this way.  God wasn’t happy with my selfishness.  He needed others to know my personal struggle so they would feel safer in addressing their own.  Amazingly, Jesus did all of this for the lady and the crowd and then he went on to heal the 12 year old girl.

Here I am starting a group this fall on homosexuality called Taking Back Ground, and I am going to lead it for the men.  Yet, I am struggling to say to a crowd of people I struggle with this.  God told me to look at my intro words which are:  “I struggle with…” and not “My identity is…”.  I fought this all day long in my mind but last night as I addressed our group at Celebrate Recovery I told them what God had said to me and then I introduced myself as, “Hi, my name is Earnie.  I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with homosexuality.”  They applauded!  As I write this I want to weep with tears of thanksgiving.

Today I go to a day long workshop being conducted in Boise on homosexuality in the church and how we should be addressing it–the people.  I am going to this today free to listen and not hide.  Wow, I would never had known this about myself if God had not confronted me yesterday as He did.  I am so grateful.

Today’s start has a powerful message looming in the front of it–selfishness.  It was the theme of my devotional reading and it was powerfully present in the actions of some Israelites in the bible reading of Numbers.  The message given centered around the consequences of the sin of selfishness.  The message brought forth the consequences whether our sinfulness is with other Christians or with the secular world around us.  What screams at me is the message that God is never seen in our selfishness–only we are seen.  I might say I am on assignment for God but if I am acting selfishly God is certainly not seen.  There are consequences for this behavior too.

As I was having my devotions I felt as though God wanted me to focus directly on my own behaviors as I go through this day.  If I ask for help seeing my own selfishness He will not only show them to me but will help me see what the replacement behavior should also be.  This was my prayer this morning as I had my prayer time.

As I ponder “freedom in Christ” I wonder what selfishness looks like through the lens of this freedom?  I know selfishness has always looked ugly when one sees it in others so I know the same ugliness is present when I am selfish.  I want to know what God is seeing that I am overlooking.  I best brace myself.  I recall several years ago when I use to say “a Harold just came out of me”.  This would be in reference to something selfish I’d say or do–meaning a dad just happened.  Kathy pointed out to me that when I would say that, people only saw me, not dad.  So, I think God isn’t done showing me what He wants me to know in this area.

Yesterday was a day of gardening.  I spent the entire day purchasing flowers for the 16 pots on the deck and then getting all of the work done through the afternoon.  The nursery I’ve always used is closing so I had to find other ones which was no small task for this gardener.  I did find the many varieties I enjoy. I can look at it and enjoy it.  It will bring many months of beauty for the onlookers.  This makes my heart happy.  Today I go and garden for an elderly lady who can no longer do her own.  She is battling cancer and is in treatment.  These little times of giving are ones I enjoy most.

The scripture reading in Numbers is certainly focusing me on praising God rather than complaining.  A couple of my grandkids are struggling with school and struggling to even go to school.  School for me was the best thing happening for me when I was young.  It got me away from home and put me in an environment where I could thrive.  It pains me to see my own grandkids struggle with it.  I want to tell God to do this and do that to change all of this.  However, God tells me to praise Him and to worship Him, trusting Him.  Oh, how I would love to change all of this, but I know this isn’t about me, it is about God becoming significant in their personal lives.  So, I step back and thank God for what I cannot see and know but trust He is already working and using these times to help them know they can rely on Him in all of this.

Tonight our recovery leaders meet.  We are about done with this prep part.  It is time to turn each one lose and let them, with God’s help, prepare their own materials specific to their curriculum and topic.  I do fight anxiousness in this, but I also know God is leading.  My journal had a verse in it that really stood out as I was writing earlier.  It said, “Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.”  Isaiah 25:1.  As I read this I realized God has been preparing each of these leaders for years and He is also preparing each one who will attend these classes this Fall.  So, I will trust Him in all of these present details where I want to take charge for He is the Master Planner and also my God.  How I love Him.

Usually when I am awake ahead of normal in the morning it is because I have something specific God is wanting to speak to me about.  However, this morning I awoke and there is not the specificity I’d expected.  I do have plans for the day which are not part of school work.  It is a day I can get the yardwork completed or someone else’s yard work I’m helping do.  But this isn’t something to wake up early about.

I mentioned a few days ago about my older brother coming to church yesterday.  It didn’t happen.  I don’t know why and neither does my younger brother who had the visit.  I have ideas as to why he didn’t come–these reasons wouldn’t be so different from any other 82 year old who is pondering returning to church.  In those days gone by, church attendance meant relationship with God.  I know now that this is true for some, but many today don’t have a church but do have a close walk with God.  My brother witnessed much hypocrisy in the church while he was growing up primarily centered around our dad.  Yet, I know God is working on him today.  We will keep praying for God’s Light to break through Satan’s cloud of darkness ensnaring him.  Join me if you would in prayers for him.  His name is Herb.

I’m going to step into this day and start on the list of yard work to get done.  If God interrupts it with other nudges, I’ll step into them.  We will see where this leads.