Today as I began my journaling I once again began with the reflecting process of Christ’s childhood which led me to do the same with my own. There is much I began to notice about God’s involvement. God had a very specific reason for sending His Son Jesus to earth for each of our sake. However, the humbling reality for me is that He had specific intention in having me too. I have so much to awaken to in this, but just this much is so comforting.

In my devotional reading by Oswald Chambers, he says that when God is speaking to us we should not talk to others about it until the message is clear. We tend to too soon try and receive support or confirmation from others regarding what God is telling us. God is Sovereign and has no need for His child to confirm what He is saying to them through another man. I’ve struggled with this message for a long time not thinking I was worthy to hear God’s voice. Yet, in more recent years I’ve learned to trust far more in this arena.

If there is anything of late that is being confirmed daily, it is the fact that God is truly a God of Grace. As I started the book of Galatians this morning the entire theme of this small book is GRACE. My upbringing in the church was pretty much about legalism. Do this and get this, do that and get that. Doing is the key and it is doing the right thing so you don’t get what you deserve. God is made to be a god of judgment in the world of legalism. However God’s own words tells us over and over about His patient endurance waiting for us to come to Him and receive His Son as our Savior and as His Gift to us. Yes, judgment will come, but now is not the time. We are in the time of GRACE and this is the message man needs to know of our God.

As I began my devotional time today I was journaling to Jesus about our relationship. I had to confess to Him that I’ve never thought He and I were equal as far as human flesh is concerned during His years on earth. I have thought that since He had a direct connect to God with God being His Dad, He could withstand sin while I couldn’t. Getting that out in the open allowed a pathway to open up between us. I ended up going back into the darkness of my past and visiting a time when I was only 9 or 10 and I had an encounter with The Holy Spirit. It wasn’t anything overwhelming, but it was definite. What I recall is being alone on a ditch bank at one of our pastures. It was a Sunday and we’d just returned from church. I was lamenting the abuse I’d been experiencing. I had this presence come about me which for the moment made me feel loved and accepted. I started crying as a boy not knowing where this came from, but loving this sense of acceptance.

As I begin to process/experience a week of examining Christ’s life on earth from birth to His ministry I see first-hand the connection He had to The Holy Spirit. Somehow Jesus knew He was loved and accepted by His Heavenly Dad and likely he knew he was accepted by his earthly dad. The Holy Spirit is a huge link in this and likely He will be increasing as this journey continues.

My dad use to say he needed to break my spirit/kill my spirit. Now, God is breathing new life/spirit that He wants understood. The new creation He makes us to be has a spirit which is alive and well and knows The Holy Spirit. I have much to learn and I want to be a good student in this process.

A week or so ago I read an article that talked about the Ignatian Exercises. They come from the work of St. Ignatius who lived in the 15th century. These exercises talk about a hunger for freedom from sin as one enters into the second week of following these exercises. I’ve had this hunger for much of my life but have often wondered how it can be found when we live in the flesh. It says to meditate on the life of Jesus from his birth to his ministry days. It is during this time that Jesus learned how to hear God, respond to God and to discern the ways of man. I’m going to be doing this in the next few days. The first week is about mourning sin, understanding and being in awe of God’s kindness, and having a hunger for freedom from all that entangles.

There is an entire conference for this. For some reason I’m prodded to delve into it on my own. So much of each week’s work has to do with steps I’ve already done, but I know there are elements of flesh that still bind me. The fears of past and future which I’ve written about in the past few days speak to this. Having the Light turned on yesterday exposing the fears of the future as simply an empty room with the ugly face of evil made my realize a kindness of God I only know in part.

Learning to hear God, trust Him and respond to Him is my next assignment. How beautiful our God is!

I’ve never before sat and thought through (or allowed God to guide my thinking through) the fears of past and future. The caves I talked about yesterday. I’ve certainly dealt with many fears from my past and God has done miraculous healing over and over with this area. A major difference between fears of past and fears of future are the fears of past are based on actual things which happened and left a good deal of damage for me to address which meant hide them for much of my life. However, these fears of the future are a totally different animal. There is nothing tangible about them. They only connect to “what if’s” or “maybe this or that”. Addressing them is like trying to sit on a balloon and it just bulges out one side or the other. There is never any comfortable spot for relaxing.

Bringing God into this cave of darkness relating to my future has been quite amazing. There is nothing in this cave but fear itself. The uncertainties of life live there. In exposing this I have found it so much easier to simply say–“You don’t own me anymore!” Giving these fears over to God and letting Him flip the Light switch to “on” has allowed this to happen. Believing &Trusting are key elements. Knowing that the God Who brought about such healing from the darkness cave of my past is the same God Who helps us with the darkness for the future, brings all kinds of FAITH! I also have learned that this is more than a one-time event. Surrendering fear needs to be done as frequently as it arrives. The face of fear looks much like the face of evil–Satan himself. He flees from the Light of God–Jesus. I’m so grateful to now have God’s Light to shine in this area.

Have you ever experienced walking through a cave? The darkness is unlike any other. This morning’s devotional time had me going deeply into the “caves of my mind”. There were two of them. One is the cave of the past, the other is the cave of the future. As I’ve been challenged to go deeply into who I am, I find these two caves. I have spent the last 12-13 years dealing with the cave of my past. I’ve found Christ in it and I’ve had Him shedding His powerful Light of Healing into this darkness. As I looked into the cave of my past this morning I did see darkness, but it is easy to shed Light into it. However, as I realized the cave of my future I only found that penetrating darkness.

I have always been a person who definitely lives in the present, but thinks in the future. What I realized this morning was the future I think in does not address the darkness of this cave deep within me. In that cave I found all the fears which started in my childhood being projected into my future. I hadn’t even realized this cave existed until today. The challenge of going deeply into oneself was to examine the findings and then bring God into these findings. Thus, I found that I’d done this with the cave of my past; however, finding God in this cave of the future made me realize things like, faith, trust, believing which I wasn’t using there. I discovered that I tend to stuff my fears of the future rather than releasing them in trust to this wonderful God I serve.

Today has been the day of discovery. I’ve got some work to do now that I’ve found this cave. But, already I know the One who holds the Heavenly Flashlight and I trust Him!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY for all of you readers who are moms! This is one of the most important days we celebrate. You are the ones who stay when everything is crumbling. You are the one who checks in to make sure everyone’s ok. You are the one I’ve always thought best represent the Holy Spirit in flesh clothing. Thank you for all of this and so much more!

As I continue on this current assignment during my journey (this assignment of going deeply into who I am), I find fear. It hits today since today is a special day. I enjoy special days until they arrive. Most of what I think about on special days is getting through them. It is not specific to Mother’s Day, it is any special day. As I started today and felt this common dread I did what I haven’t done. I asked Jesus to help me take a look at it rather than stuff it. In so doing I heard a message I’ve not heard before. He seemed to say that special days are man-made. You’ve struggled pleasing man in your own mind hearing all of the criticism growing up from your dad. You fear it still today. I want you to remember that even in special days like today I want you to please Me and do as I nudge you. Knowing at the end of the day you have pleased Me gives a much deeper gratification than any from pleasing man. Most likely in pleasing Me, you will have pleased man too.

I must say that this message simply took the dread away. I love this Jesus–Savior, Lord and Friend!

My day yesterday was to have been spent at my youngest daughter’s place getting some projects done for her in her yard. However, as I’d finished my devotional time my brother called and he was wanting to come over and put in the water softener and water heater which had arrived at the plumbing shop he use to own. So, today I go to my daughter’s. It is very nice to have these taken care of. The softener had a slow leak I’d found and it wasn’t repairable so my good brother said lets do both while he’s doing the one since both were 22 years old they were somewhat in the way of each other. Now it is done!

I wrote yesterday about my need to go deeply into the makeup of myself and to do this with courage. As I’m reading II Corinthians Paul is asking this of the people of Corinth. He talks about how Christ had led him to do this. I really appreciated what I read this morning regarding this inward search. Joyce Meyer says that as we give our sin to Jesus he in turn gives us His righteousness. We are to exchange our sin consciousness for a righteousness consciousness. (Saying this verbally is a mouthful of syllables.) But, in reality, it is exactly what Christ is wanting to do for me–for each of us.

What I love about this exercise is that when I go deeply into my inner self and I find my selfishness, my pridefulness, I have the choice of no longer hiding it and instead, exchanging it for Christ’s righteousness. This is a lot easier to write right now than it is to do it. However, I’ve not seen this process so clearly as I do today. I don’t want to hide any longer these characteristics of myself. I want to exchange them and in so doing, find the strength of God to actually change and be this image of Christ He offers me. I’ve made this personal as I write this paragraph, but the process of doing this is to be personal for each one of us. The freedom which follows this process is waiting for you and me!

The meeting yesterday with our pastoral staff went very well. It was so good to hear it said that next to our church’s Sunday morning worship, Celebrate Recovery was next in line. The staff understood and appreciated the need to be together not just for the ones who have attended, but for all those who wish to attend but haven’t been able to do so. So, next Thursday we will open the doors. Yes, there are restrictions which will be in place, but just to be there, able to talk freely face to face will be a privilege. We will also be recording it so others who wish not to attend at this point can receive the lesson/testimony.

One of my devotional readings this morning asked the question: “Are you ready to look deeply at yourself with courage?” I was challenged by this question. I have felt of late that God has been wanting me to take a very close look at Him and me. I use to say I know myself well. When I’d say that I would be referencing my skill set. This question is referencing what is standing in the way of one becoming more Christ-like? It has always been easy to say I’m glad I’m not like my father or like my brother. However, if I look deeply at myself with courage I must admit I see natures within me which resemble both of them. It makes me realize that becoming more Christ-like doesn’t mean an absence of selfish nature, it’s far more about what we do with this selfish nature.

As my journey continues I want to be courageous in not only seeing myself deeply, but then strong enough to surrender it so my actions do not portray it. I want to be a surrendered soul to Jesus so His Light shines through me. This is once again why the Serenity Prayer is always important to remember. This process is a day by day decision and often a moment by moment one too.

Today will be an insightful one. This morning our Ministry Leaders for Celebrate Recovery are meeting with a couple of our pastors to talk through how our ministry can restart and when. We will also talk about our restoration classes which had not finished last March when everything shut down. I will be glad to know how all of this will come together.

God has been showing me a good deal of late about Him and me. I’ve written about some of the selfishness I’ve been seeing and a lot has been seen about choices. God has always given us choice. This is probably one of the nicest things God gave us as man, but sin turned it into the curse that it is when man stepped into sin and the curse became ours. In working with recovery ministry one sees this curse of sin often because attendees are talking about it. When we live in the world outside of recovery we rarely hear man talking about it because in this part of life man is usually hiding his involvement/choices.

My heart is yearning to get back into the ministry work where we aren’t just maintaining, but we are facilitating steps being taken for freedom. It is hard to do this without physical presence. I know God’s Holy Spirit is the One Who heals and sheds this Light so I want today to be open to seeing what God’s Light sheds as we meet.

I had never realized how much variety I had in daily life until I could no longer participate in it. Not so long ago I would write about having a day now and then where nothing was planned and I would be so grateful for that day–feeling somewhat selfish for it, but nonetheless, thankful. Today, as I started my journaling, I was sensing I had nothing to write. Each day is so much like the day before that a sense of mundane was settling in. That was when my mind was prompted to journal about all the opportunities God has provided me. It didn’t seem that I even had to think about them, they just came to mind. These were things like: working with so many schools and districts–teachers, aides, office staff, administrators and sometimes, students. In addition, there are so many ministry opportunities provided through our church, Celebrate Recovery and the step study; restoration ministry and the men’s group for it, choir and our quartet. After all of these I have so much family that enjoys getting together often.

It is so easy to forget all the blessings God provides us! It is good to stop for a moment and reflect on them. What all of this did was take my eyes off of myself and put my focus back onto God. I don’t like realizing how selfish I am, yet, it is true. The flesh is always wanting to be served first and I stand right there in that lineup. God forgive me for my selfishness. I’m glad to get my eyes back onto YOU and all you do to provide for your kids!