Yesterday I took half of the steps needing to be done demonstrating my belief. I actually knew today would likely be the day when I could take the steps needing to be done in the other situation. As I was starting to journal this morning I found myself almost addressing the start to Father God rather than to Jesus. I knew immediately why I was doing this too. It was no longer about breaking a habit. It was actually about who I felt was more capable of addressing the people in this second situation. Right then I knew I needed to stop addressing the situation and start addressing my belief in Who Jesus is. My actions were showing me that the Jesus I have on the throne of my life is still a human rather than the Son of God. So, so many times I came to Jesus about my own past pleading with Him to do something about the people involved in it. Yet, in my mind, He did nothing leaving me to believe two things: He wasn’t that powerful and that I wasn’t that important to Him.

I have come a long way in my recovery, but today I needed to face this lingering reality that I definitely know is a lie. So, I did. I know and BELIEVE Jesus is the Son of Almighty God and that He has all the POWER of the Almighty. The one thing He uses this power to do is to not dictate the “choices of man”. He uses the choices and their consequences to lead man to Him. The step I’m taking today is to Believe in Jesus and in the plan He has made. I choose to TRUST HIM.

The day ended yesterday with man’s messages not being easy to hear. The things I started yesterday’s blog about were not being addressed by man with responses easy for me. I found myself wanting to “sit on the info” because it would be hard to follow up now that I needed to. This morning I found myself journaling to Jesus about this. His response to me was eye-opening. He seemed to ask me if I were now going to be a “snag in His Work” by not communicating my part? The key word in the scripture Acts 16:31 which says: “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved–you and your household”, is BELIEVE. My action now is to believe. Am I to obey only what I like or am I to obey? Well, I will choose to obey. Jesus confirmed that I am to leave for Him what is His to do. He wants me to do my part so His part is not delayed by me.

One of the biggest lessons in Celebrate Recovery is coming up next week. The lesson is entitled “YES”. It is actually the last lesson of the series. My part (our part) in working with God is to learn to respond to Christ’s leading in our lives with a YES. Believing Jesus is always in control is what my part is to look like. I don’t see what Jesus sees. If I let only what I see rule my actions I will then be disobedient. I’ve lived long enough doing this. Today I want to follow through only doing what Christ has asked me to do.

Sleep comes easy when one’s mind is at rest. However, when it isn’t, sleep is fitful and rest does not come. That was me during last night. I had gone to bed early due to today’s early start. However, there are things needing attention and we are in a dilemma as to what that attention should be. The steps being taken are only steps being taken if they are not ones taken where Jesus’ Light is shining. My faith/trust wasn’t strong last night. Today I give this to Jesus once again trusting that the steps we are taking will lead to Him and His Ways. I wish I could give the specifics in this but I know I should not.

I was driving to the district yesterday morning wishing there were a way to tie the training of the first day to the belief system of each teacher. So many elementary teachers see math as a threat and only teach it because they have to. Their belief influences their students’ belief even when they try to hide their own insecurities. Well, the elementary principal started the morning with this very conversation. I wanted to jump up and hug him! By the end of yesterday all of the teachers in attendance were hugging the presenter for helping them so much. It was such a great scene to experience. Today and tomorrow will be working with secondary teachers. I have the same trust that God’s Leadership will fill the gaps He intended when this help was arranged so many months ago.

To God be all the Glory for great things He Does!

Yesterday was a powerful day in many realms. The training which began for the school district was powerful and so insightful. The person delivering the work was excellent. She had the teachers continuously practicing instructional techniques which they will use as their instruction begins next week with their classroom kids. I was taking all of this in thinking how much fun it would be to have my own classroom of 46 years ago teaching them in ways I only know to do now. I’m so glad to see how God is completing what He was orchestrating through last year’s guidance.

Last night a friend came for dinner and primarily to discuss a project she wants to pursue. She is a bulldozer in nature and often turns people off by the power she uses to get done what she wants. She had asked for my assistance with the project and I’d agreed to offer what I could. I love what she’d like to do and can instantly see its benefit for our community. What was unexpected for me was how the conversation turned from the project to her personal story. She would insert pieces of abuse from childhood into the night. She knew I had a story but hadn’t heard it. I told her much about how God has given me freedom I’d never known before and how He’d orchestrated so many things for me allowing this healing to come. All of a sudden we were talking about her taking part in the classes to start this fall. If this were to happen a good many things would need to adjust for her. I don’t know how this will come together but I do know the God we serve is the Master of details. This morning I simply gave it all to Him. How I love this God we serve, His Son Jesus and The Spirit within.

I was ending my devotions today thanking Jesus for taking time to meet with me each morning. Instantly I felt Him saying that eternity has no time and His being Omnipresent made Him always with me. He said I was the one taking time. I wanted to bless Him and He turned it into one for me. What a God we serve!

Today begins 22 days of specific professional development for the school district I’m working with. It is quite costly and in someways, a big risk. The grant which places me with them pays for this commitment. The days are spread out over the school year but these next 4 days lay the ground work for all the staff. I’ve worked with this professional development group in times past with my own school/district. I was asking Jesus this morning how I am to know He is behind all of this work? I sure don’t want to be leading this team down a hole which leads to no where. As I journaled the question I was reminded of all the details over the past several months which have nicely fit together making all of these days of training come together. He reminded me also that only in my head do I sometimes think the secular work I do does not include His Spiritual leadership. How I love this God we serve!

Also, yesterday I met with our church leader who is putting the details of our weekend conference together for the kickoff of our Restoration Ministry. These details are also coming together with much amazement. I get lost sometimes wondering if my emotional energy is simply my emotions getting confused with God’s spiritual insights/leading. Once again I have to go back to what my mom told me so many years ago. If God is in it, the leading He provides will only strengthen. Our emotions will die away quickly but God’s leading never dies when He is in it. I’m hanging tightly onto this as this year begins for the secular work I do as well as with the ministry work. To God be all Glory!

Yesterday and today, there are so many things I could write about which state just how much I can see the handiwork of God presently. Yesterday’s sermon by our senior pastor was all about God’s disciplining his children so we would learn to listen and obey Him for completing His purposes and ways. In the sermon we were reminded not to fear our enemy, knowing when we are in God’s plan, our enemy is blocked by God’s Light and Might.

Today as I was journaling and addressing what God has in store for today building up to our weekend with Christopher Yuan, I was reminded by Jesus of His Work in me. Before I entered into the ministry of Celebrate Recovery I would hear Jesus knocking on the door of my life and I would let Him in. In so doing I would tell Him all the things I wanted Him to do, with the top of the list being to remove the darkness (stain) of the sins done to me and the sins I had committed. In do this removal of sin (sexual abuse, thoughts of gay sex, porn, identity and more), bury them so no one would ever have to know they existed so I could then be free! Little did I know I was being disciplined to finally become willing to let my story not be obliterated from memory, but to be told for the sake of others’ healing. I have learned to not fear this, but to thank God for the chance to tell. The freedom I was after would not have been freedom at all. It would only have been another prison with secrets all the same.

God is preparing us for a Mighty Work of His Love and Grace. I want to be a servant ready to do His bidding. I look forward to taking part as He would orchestrate and being willing to let all my expectations being His expectations only. How I love knowing He is my Father!

Today I can’t help but focus for a minute on this journey. It was four years ago that God had me write my autobiography which was released for distribution in August, 2015. When I was told I’d be the main person promoting this work I panicked! I certainly didn’t write this book to promote it, yet now, 4 years later, I can see what God was meaning. I am no longer afraid to promote this fact that I’ve published my story. It isn’t just mine. It is a story of God’s Work in my life throughout all of it, starting when I didn’t even know He cared for me and lasting throughout my lifetime.

This morning I’ve been seeking God’s direction and leadership as we approach our big weekend of Sept. 14 & 15 with Christopher Yuan and his parents. I’ve had several contacts of late for this readiness and I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with some at our church for this preparation. I tremble inside when these times comes knowing there are a host of details to address and I don’t want any left undone or unattended. In this case I am not doing most of the details for they are turned over to our church staff and I do trust them.

The biggest thing of this morning for me took place as I was journaling. In it I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know and believe for today? His response touched me to my core. He said, “know I AM with you always even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20. It was then He added something which touched my heart. He said, “I believe in you.” Do you know what it is like to have your father believe in you? I never felt this–ever, from my earthly father. However, today, Jesus said He believes in me. I hope this doesn’t sound “over the top,” but, it was one of the most humbling and empowering statements I’ve ever had given to me. It strengthens my own belief tremendously because first and foremost, Jesus believes in me–us. We were created for God’s purposes and now we get to carry them out knowing God believes in us. What a loving, wonderful Father we get to serve!

As only God would ordain, yesterday was a wonderful day. It wasn’t like I’d expected it to be, but then it flowed as though it were perfectly orchestrated. I think it was too–perfectly orchestrated. The talks I thought I’d be having didn’t occur. However, by the early evening hours, the relational, affectionate person was reoccurring that I was spending the day with. I knew then what God had wanted done with the day was exactly what we were doing. If God wants me to have the talks I had thought, His Holy Spirit will nudge them at the right time and place. For yesterday, it was a day to be together and reestablish a loving connection.

As I was having my devotions this morning and reflecting on yesterday, I asked again what Jesus wanted me to know and believe for today? I was informed that growing in the spiritual world where The Holy Spirit resides is quiet until we step into it in Faith–Believing. He said He was taught this while He was here on earth. He believed His Father and The Holy Spirit’s nudges to Him. I can learn this too, even as an older man. I truly believe God is doing this each and every day. The other thing Jesus spoke to me about was that The Holy Spirit obeys only God the Father. When we turn to God and ask what is in His Plan, then The Holy Spirit will work and nudge us to complete it. The Holy Spirit is not under our control. He responds to us when we are responding to God’s Will. This is a big lesson for me. I can often think my ways are already following God’s ways. However, when The Holy Spirit is silent I can know to question my motives.

God is so good and patient leading us into His Spiritual World of living. I want to be a good and faithful servant of Him and not of my own self.

Today’s journey started by going back to yesterday’s. In reality I almost always do this because it is my time to reflect. Before I begin my journaling I read what I had written the day before. Jesus had given me insight into “believing” which I didn’t do so well putting into action during the day yesterday. Today I asked the question about living out “belief” instead of falling into fretting, worrying? I was amazed at the message I got in return.

I was told that fretting, worrying, stepping into a temptation are all forms of what we do in our flesh. The Holy Spirit, I was told, lives in our spirit. If we want to access the Power of The Holy Spirit we need to take a “spiritual step” which is to take a step of faith. If I surrender to worry I stay in the flesh and it becomes sin. If, however, I step into surrendering the temptation of worry, I step into trusting. When we do this we take a step into believing. This is where The Holy Spirit can now do His Work. If we cave into temptation by worrying, fretting, using an escape like porn, eating when we shouldn’t, and more, we stay in the flesh. This is exactly where Satan wants us for he is the one in control at this point. I’m sure I’ve known all of this before now. However, when Christ was speaking to me as I journaled, all of a sudden this message took on new meaning. I can do this. The new creation God has made us to be through Christ Jesus can do this! I can step into believing by acting on the nudge I get from The Holy Spirit at the right time. It is putting my trust at the moment in “the nudge” and acting on it. This is believing, this is trusting and having faith.

Today I’m spending a good deal of it with someone I love. It is also someone I fight the temptation to worry about. Christ is telling me to take the spiritual step today and believe that The Holy Spirit Who lives in me will be in charge if I keep my mind on Him. He will nudge and guide if I believe and follow His nudge.

I wrote yesterday about meeting with a gentleman who had contacted me. Yes, we had met and once I realized when, I could recall much more about him. We spent 2.5 hrs together where he opened up greatly regarding his past and present struggles. He is a “believer” who struggles to believe. Boy, do I know that particular struggle. It was one of the first times of late I’ve been able to talk to someone about what believing we are as a new creation is like for me. I could also tell him there is tremendous hope for his own belief to be restored/healed.

In Celebrate Recovery we focus intentionally on hurts, hang-ups and habits. However, we stay too focused on habits for they are far more obvious and tangible. When it comes to hurts, we get lost in the emotional chaos within ourselves and with the belief system we’ve lost from the hurts of past and sometimes present. Satan does have a hay day with all of this and we are helpless to address it on our own. In fact, Satan does his best to keep us believing we can’t talk about this if we are men. This is the story of the gentleman yesterday. I invited him to come to our next set of classes starting next month which addresses abuse of our past and present–Mending the Soul. He is going to strongly consider it he said.

In the night last night as well as this morning when I arose, I’ve battled my own fears for tomorrow for some of those I love. I know I am to praise God for these struggles for it is when He can shed Light into the darkness. I brought this to Jesus this morning and He did such a good job helping me give it to Him and then to trust His Holy Spirit to strengthen those I love as well as me in believing all of this. I feel much like a child learning how to trust mom and dad about something for which I fear but they say they are right there for me. I’ve wondered sometimes if the absence of this help from my folks is the reason for my present struggle with believing? No matter, God today is wanting me to know for certain He, His Son Jesus and His Holy Spirit are Trustworthy and I can Believe with certainty They are with me and with those I love always. God is growing the belief of a new creation in me. I end today’s entry–BELIEVING!