This journey of life is teaching me things I didn’t want to see about myself but truly needed to. The truth is that my sin is still sin just as my dad’s sins were his and my brother’s sins were his. They are not ranked by God. He sees them as our selfish choices, carnal ones. In this book I keep referencing I am being exposed to my own sin–my carnal choices. Yes, I would come to the Cross of Christ, but when I did I would bring my sin; rank ordered. I believe when I was younger I probably needed to do this so I’d keep some level of strength in order to live life. However, I’m not that abused child anymore. God has redeemed me through His Son’s work on the Cross. This morning I brought to Him myself. This time without any rank order, just me. Dad has his rightful place in my life. He is dad and yes, he abused, but he is still dad. Rich is my brother. He abused but he is still my brother Rich. I am the son of Harold and the brother of Rich. I see myself better today. I see myself as a sinner who Christ has redeemed from my own sins just as He did for Rich and Dad. This is humbling and amazing!

I cannot see Earnie the spiritual man until I’ve seen Earnie the carnal one. Now that I’m seeing him, I surrender him to Christ Jesus. I want no longer to take control of things I see as out of control. I want to be doing what Christ’s Holy Spirit leads me to do one day at a time. This is so much clearer today. To God be all Glory!

Today is the birthday for my dear Aunt Billie. I wrote about her last February when Kathy and I were in California and I gave my testimony at her church where her daughter leads the recovery program. Aunt Billie has been and still is one of God’s angels here on earth. How blessed we are to have her!

Yesterday’s books signing was only as God would have it. Literally no one came for the first 1.5 hours. I spent the time talking with the store-owner partner whom I didn’t know. She turned out to be one of God’s intended reasons for being there. She was most interested in the recovery work as ones in her family could use the support. When a couple came in towards the end to get a book Kathy and I found ourselves talking with them well beyond the 2nd hour. I’d had a message sent to me via messenger asking how they could get a book also. As we were preparing to leave a niece and husband came by to get a book which was a surprise to me but nonetheless a treat. Being obedient to God always brings us back to God’s Ways. Why I question them as I do just shows my humanness. I’m sure glad it is temporary.

I keep wanting to find someone who is reading The Spiritual Man but to no avail. It seems God wants me processing this with Him and His Holy Spirit. To be awake to our spiritual self means we are also very awake to our human self. The two are very different. Our human self listens to our fleshly desires while our spirit seeks God’s Spirit. I find myself more and more awake to just how selfish I am and always have been. Yet, my awakening to the spirit within not only shows this but it also becomes much clearer the choice we have, I have. I truly want to grow in choosing God’s Holy Spirit’s lead in all of my life.

Today is book signing day. I’m glad it is finally here, but the reason I’m glad is so that it can be over. I asked God this morning why I am feeling this way? Is it just my emotions? Why did I sign up for this in the first place? I was taken back by what I heard Him say. He asked me why I was resurrecting my old past and the feelings I was literally taught from it? If I never did anything which brought “limelight” to me, I would not have the wrath of dad facing me. This book signing feels just exactly like I’m doing this–putting the limelight on me. However, God is wanting me to step out of this past’s bondage and let the limelight be on Him. He said the bondage of my past is fading so I don’t need in moments like this to let any temptation of past cause me to stop what is right. So, today I am doing just this. Let God be glorified!

Yesterday I got the entire garden planted. The pots on the front porch are not planted and the lawn is mowed. This early morning is calm and the beauty of spring is resonating all around. I love these moments.

Do you ever have the times when you have the time and want to do something but your time doesn’t fit anyone else? I seem to have this happening in several areas. I was taking this to God this morning and He told me to “be still”. I so often forget that God’s timing is everything–not my timing.

Last night at Celebrate Recovery we had a male newcomer. I’d been called by a local counselor saying he’d likely be coming. The young man had given the counselor permission to call me. This young man is a very gifted individual but struggles with tremendous timidity. I was able to conduct the 101 class with him where I learned much more. He not only wants to come each week but he is also joining the new men’s step study which meets on Sunday’s. He really wants to tackle those struggles which bind him. God is working!

Yesterday and today are yard days. I do love these moments. I’m planting everything in the garden which can’t be planted until after the last freeze. We had a couple of those days earlier in the week but it’s clear sailing from this point forward. I may be fooling myself, but I do think this is so!

Tomorrow is the book signing. Why I am so nervous about it is something I can’t put my finger on. I’m trusting this is what God is wanting. I will soon know. Until then, I’ll simply work in the garden and make my joy complete!

Sorry about missing yesterday. I had to be in Boise for a doctor’s appointment by 8:00 am which meant leaving the house early. Anymore, the traffic is so heavy that time of day one has to leave much earlier than before. On my return I stopped to get the last of the plants I needed to put in my deck pots which I am going to start today. All of this to say, May Day was skipped so I could buy flowers! I suppose that’s a poor excuse but a true one for me.

Since returning from Oklahoma a week and a half ago I haven’t read in my book The Spiritual Man. Last night I began to read the next chapter which is entitled: Spirit. From the moment I began to read its start I knew this chapter was going to be the start of clarity. Thus far, Watchman (author) has been prepping the reader to understand the effects of sin on God’s original creation. Satan’s deception has been profound in this area. Watchman identifies our spirit as an organ within us. It is a spiritual organ so it doesn’t have flesh as we know our others to have. I didn’t read very far because I wanted to be in my best learning mode, not my tired self which reads in the evening for simple pleasure. Watchman says the regeneration when we ask Christ into our lives–“gives man a new spirit as well as quickens his old one. ” A new spirit I will put within you”–“That which is born of the Spirit is spirit.” (Ezekiel 36:26; John 3:6) I really do want to better understand this mystery of man.

In two days I’m doing a book signing at a local shop in Nampa. This morning I was telling God I wish I’d never stepped into this. Likely no one will come or at best, one or two. I instantly heard Him say, “If one or two come, it will be because this one or two will be the ones whom I sent. They will need to read how I’ve worked in you and how I will do the same for them.” I was quickly reminded to keep this about God and not about me. God is so good at this!

This journey of life I’m presently walking through is teaching me in remarkable ways about living as a new creation. Of late I’ve been sensing the urge to begin to journal to Jesus rather than to God the Father as I have been for almost 3 years now. However, each morning I start with Father God. In my journaling today I awakened to something I know God was wanting me to finally see. In the almost three years of journaling to God, He has taught me to experience Him as God Almighty, but also God as Dad. His intimate love, compassion, patience, and more, are all a part of His Power and Strength. Today, I saw Jesus as the Powerful Son of God He is!

My whole life I longed for intimacy with God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit. I knew they were important but somehow I just wasn’t important to them. I wanted so much to be acknowledged by them. I felt more like I was a child to be tolerated rather than anything else. In these past 3 years God has taught me so much and helped me experience just how much He loves me. Today, I see this same love from His Son, Jesus. I want Jesus to be my Model in life as well as my best Friend in life. Not because He is a nice guy, but truly because He did something for me no other could do or would do.

This morning in my devotional reading it was talking about Timothy being raised by his mom Eunice and grandmother Lois. They taught him to love God, know His Word, and to be teachable and humble of spirit. A new creation, which we are today because of Jesus Christ, knows to be humble and teachable because they recognize who their creator truly is–God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. This is true for you and me! Praise God!

Our God is an Awesome God! He truly is! As I got home from church yesterday and was going to settle into reading the newspaper, my brother called saying he thought he’d come over and finish fixing the valve and hydrant. We did just that. It was like an ox in the ditch which needed to remedied. I was very grateful and we had it done in just a short amount of time and the hole is now filled so no more “falling into the pit”.

Last night our church staff hosted a dinner for all the volunteers in our congregation. There were about 350 people in attendance. The staff had all of their family members assisting them. It was a beautiful experience to witness just how huge the amount of God’s Kingdom work He is doing and the amount of giving being done to complete it. I love how complete God is. It is so easy for me to think there are so few helping when my lens is only on what I personally do. It was beautiful to be reminded for a moment how big God’s work is. This morning as I was thanking Him for this reminder, He also reminded me that this is just a speck of His Work throughout our world. He has millions of workers in the field faithfully completing what He has given them to do. He is such a faithful God!

There is an issue I’m deeply concerned about which I don’t see changing for the good. This morning as I was journaling to God about it, He reminded me that a new creation keeps his focus on God’s Strength and what He does and not to keep my focus on man’s weakness. This is the sin of worry. I don’t want to step into that. I will stay focused on God’s Strength and trust what I do not presently see.

I don’t know if the testing is done yet with the underground sprinklers and the hole I had to dig getting it repaired. I didn’t fill the hole because my brother helping me thought I needed to wait to see if any leak is there. We don’t want a leak 4′ underground and then redig it all. Well, yesterday as I was cutting back an old flowerbed to ready it for this year, I carried a pitchfork load of the clippings to my burn pile. In so doing I was watching the pitchfork load so it didn’t drop anything on the lawn and proceeded to step right into the hole with my left leg. The hole is deeper than my leg so my right leg got somewhat twisted. I laughed when it happened thinking how stupid I was to walk my old path forgetting the hole in it! Nothing hurt so I went on with my work the rest of the afternoon. Well, this morning I do have one stiff, painful knee. Oh the lessons to learn!

This morning as I was having my devotions I found myself worrying about the “things” needing to be done and I don’t have the inspiration presently to get to them. They aren’t things with deadlines, but they do relate to the ministry work. I found myself feeling guilty putting in so much time with my yard and garden and little time with all of the other. In talking to God about it He reminded me that first and foremost I am to “be” His child and follow His lead. His Light is to be my inspiration, not my worry. I don’t need to feel guilty about doing what needs to be done in my own yard. Besides, it is a gift He gave to me and I do love this gift. So, from this insight I will “be” grateful for the time to get the yard work done instead of “being” a worrier where God’s Light isn’t presently shining.

Yesterday was a day of testing for me. I started it by working in the yard, beginning to turn on the underground watering for my lawn and yard. However, one of the valves 3.5′ underground would just spin and not turn anything on. I ended up calling my brother, digging a large hole deep enough so we could get to the valve and then letting my brother do the work–it is beyond me when it comes to plumbing or mechanics. We spent a couple hours trying to find the part for it is 20 years old. It’s fixed now but Satan has a way of testing me at times like this. “How can I be a new creation and be so helpless/stupid/incapable? I awoke in the middle of the night with this sense of panic that I’m really not anything but the incapable man dad labeled so long ago.

As I took this to God this morning He simply reminded me that I am still human in flesh, but I am a new creation in spirit. I should also rejoice in things like yesterday for it gives me a chance to see how God works in my weakness. He gave me a brother who is skilled in everything I am not skilled in and together we take care of the problem. In my weakness, God demonstrates His love for me by taking care of these needs.

I know God is teaching me how to live as a new creation letting go of these old character defects. Rejoicing in weakness is exactly what Paul told us to do. He said that in his weakness God is made strong. I’ll rejoice today knowing this!

At Celebrate Recovery last night our testimony was given by a lady. She used a line which stood out to me above the entire rest of the story. She said, “I finally gave God my bad.” For some this could be just a play on words. However, for me, it was the bulls eye. I’ve spent my life confessing sin to God. But, what I “gave” to Him were my efforts to do good for Him. I wanted to replace all the bad in my life by hiding it from God and instead, showing Him what I could do for Him, hoping all the time, it would be good enough for Him to forgive me for the sins I would confess.

As I have come to Celebrate Recovery over the years I’ve realize the purpose of giving to God my bad–my hiding, my secrets. As long as I held onto the bad God could not replace it with His Good. As I’ve given my sin, my past to Him He has taken it and used it to His Glory. He literally takes our bad and makes it His Good.

The struggle of first telling my story was a start for giving my bad to Him. It grew into telling what my story had done to me personally–leaving me with struggles of porn and homosexual thoughts. Now today, the struggle still exists sometimes but it is no longer being housed in a body trying to hide it. It is housed in a new creation which God uses just as he used this lady’s story last night.

God is such a wonderful, patient God. I want to serve Him well as my life continues.