I have written a few times about my attitude towards the Psalms. So many people talk about how they love the Psalms. They comfort them, I’ve heard all of my life. Up until recently, I have read these chapters more out of obedience than anything else. Within me, unconfessed to anyone, I would resent the fact that someone would let their emotions get the best of them and write about them as though that was inspiring. I grew up in a home with such an explosive, emotional father that I grew to resent emotions thinking they were sinful. My makeup is different from dad’s, but I still have emotions which I’ve fought to recognize never wanting to look or be like dad.

Today I began reading The Psalms in The Passion. As I read the preface for them yesterday I was looking forward to getting started this morning. Before reading my bible, I started my devotions and was journaling to Jesus telling him how emotionally spent I felt this morning after such an emotional day yesterday with the services for Wanda, my sis’s physical state (even though the pain is much more in control now), and a couple more concerns shared with me. Today is a full day of counseling so I want to be strong for those coming. As I asked Jesus what He wanted me to know from Him for today, He asked me how it is with my soul? I wanted to hide my emotions, but had to admit the truth. It was then He revealed something to me I needed to hear. He said, “If I am unwilling to admit my emotional weakness/need, I am crippling The Holy Spirit’s ability/desire to be my strength.”

A few days ago I wrote that God first reveals and then He teaches. Well, this revelation was exactly what I needed revealed. I’m looking forward to now learning about opening up to Him and others when I need emotional support. Today is one of them.

Today is a somber one. It is the graveside service and then celebration of life for the secretary I had the first 20 years of my career. She was the mom to two sons of birth, but she always said I was given to her as her oldest son. I didn’t contest this for she was truly a mom for me in so many ways. She set me on a path of success I would never have known otherwise. She helped me find confidence when it waned (which was often in my early years). I have the honor of singing a couple songs which were some of favorites. I’ll do this as a duet for which I’m grateful. Singing solo would just be too emotional. How I loved this dear lady–Wanda Allington.

Yesterday I was able to talk with my sis Bonnie who is in the hospital where she lives in California. She’s in so much pain. I grieve for her with this. Her body is suffering so much and the doctors can’t give too much pain meds for her organs can’t handle them. She needs comfort from above. Along with this I have a niece who is in the hospital locally suffering from the cancer treatment for lung/thyroid/liver cancer. All of this along with Wanda’s service makes me throw up my hands and know only God can deal with this and the beauty is–He Wants To. I can surrender these dear ladies to Him and know only in His Ways are they protected and cared for.

Being at the age I am, there is much more suffering, and death is much more common. I know to release this truth to Jesus Christ trusting the door of death to eternity. It is just emotionally painful to be part of the physical suffering. Thank You Jesus for being the Savior to these dear ladies!

Today I finished the book of Revelation. As it concludes we are reminded to not add anything to it or to take anything away from it. It is overwhelming in its content. I do believe all of it but can hardly fathom what the reality of it coming to fruition will be like. The big item for me right now is to not try and put a timeframe around it. God’s timing is perfect and it sure doesn’t fit with man’s selfish timing.

Today I ponder, (yet know my pondering needs to focus me on Jesus Christ within me), how one helps a struggling believer? Last night a man who recently moved here and came to Celebrate Recovery called me. He has struggles I know well but he is lost in them as I use to be. Finding the freedom I know today has taken me a lifetime. He is much younger than me and wants to know freedom, but FEARS the steps he would need to take. And I know fear! This is one of the times I would like to put a timeframe around his moving forward. Yet, I know to trust God’s timing and I put him into God’s timeframe. My role is to give assistance as God opens each door for it, responding to His nudges rather than my emotions. The Holy Spirit is good at helping me separate the two.

Our world is so full of hurt and how sin glorifies itself in it. Being a vessel of God’s Light which heals and restores is something I never want to question. Today I TRUST God!

In yesterday’s blog I wrote at the end that I am enjoying living so much more because of what God is teaching me. What struck me this morning as I’ve been in His Word is that before God teaches, He reveals. When He reveals it is then that the desire to be taught comes. As I begin to reflect on this one thing my mind races into this present journey, my learning of being a new creation.

From the time I accepted Christ into my life as a boy of 10 or 11, I’ve been made aware that I’m a new creation. When I was in college I attended an event where the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross was made abundantly clear and I wept and wept for many hours, well beyond the event itself. I just couldn’t fathom Christ doing this for all of mankind–especially me. I wanted to live for Him in such a way that I would be worthy of such a Gift. To receive the Gifts of Him were too much for me to fathom due to my unworthiness–my uncleanness.

This morning’s devotional messages were very clear about Christ’s Gifts of Mercy and Grace and what that looks like to a new creation. I felt God asking me to open myself and allow His Holy Spirit to offer these Gifts He has to offer me. My first part is to accept them–receive them for His Son Jesus within me has made me clean and worthy. As this is revealed I can now be taught–I can be a learner of what a new creation receives. Oh my goodness!

This journey of mine is keeping me focused on being a new creation in ways I never dreamed. I’ve always stumbled around the topics of soul and spirit and which is which as far as desires go, etc. In my journaling today I was writing about this. In doing some research I find that soul is of my flesh and the house of my senses. Spirit is inanimate where soul is animate. Spirit is also what we can surrender to The Holy Spirit and in so doing receive the “power to overcome” the sinful desires of our flesh/soul. This is why in yesterday’s blog it is so important to be conscious of taking Jesus/The Holy Spirit into every action we take as well as thoughts where we might want to linger. The idea that I would take Jesus into these areas is revolting when I actually stop and try to picture such a thing.

What’s even more remarkable about all of this is that when we take the opportunity to address our spirit rather than soul desires, God has so much more opportunity to reveal Himself to us. I find myself questioning nudges much less and I also find that nudges come more frequently and I trust them where before this year I’d question them and often leave them there with the question.

I know the learning of living as a new creation will last as long as I’m alive in my flesh. Yet, today I enjoy living so much more knowing what God is teaching me.

The desire for total surrender just doesn’t leave me. I can’t remember ever having this continual desire be so strong. Yes, I’ve always wanted to be someone who lived fully for Christ, but having selfish moments just seemed to be part of this life. And, as I’ve written many times, as long as these selfish moments didn’t look anything like my dad, I was fine. I know the flaws of that thinking now, and so this desire to live fully surrendered is here.

This morning as I was journaling to Jesus about this and I asked Him what He wanted me to know from Him for today? His response was immediate. That voice some call intuition said, “As you step into each activity of each day, invite me to be present and take part in it. If this action is without reservation, you know it is fine. If you instantly have a doubt or restraint, you know to step away.” I instantly thought that this was a very simple, yet thorough way to approach this. I also could easily see myself doing this. Thank you Jesus!

Recently I was given a devotional by my prayer warrior. She knows I give a devotional to my quartet members each Christmas so we can have a daily common focus with God. She wanted me to spend some time with this devotional to see if it would be a good choice for the coming year. I’ve been reading it along with the one chosen for this year. Today was startling as I read the two of them. The one I’m reading this year is written as though God is speaking the written message to you. I’ve written before that the author of it is also the key author to the Bible version I’m reading–The Passion. This new devotional’s style is written as a daily prayer from man to Jesus.

Today, while reading these two devotionals, I started with the one where God is speaking to me. Its message was asking me to hold nothing back from Him. A couple of quotes read, “Hold nothing back from me for I hold nothing back from you.” Two more are: “…for as you enter my world, all that contaminates and hinders love is removed from you.” And, “I have come into your world; now, come into mine.”

The second devotional which would be my prayer stated, “…I’ve been yearning for a problem-free life, but You’ve been showing me that trouble can highlight my awareness of Your Presence. In the darkness of adversity, the radiance of Your Face shines brightly–beaming out encouragement and comfort. Please enable me to view the problems in my life as beneficial, ‘…considering it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. James 1:2′”

These two messages coming together today made me realize just how much I do hold back when God is asking me to hold nothing back for He has held nothing back for me (us). As I surrender all, it opens the door for receiving all God has to offer. Wow! What a rich message! Thank you Father God, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit!

There is a reality I’m beginning to fully see that I’ve never wanted to believe was true for me. This reality is the truth about the nature of man. Growing up in the home environment I had demonstrated a “nature of man” in my father which made man look much more like a beast. Then, there was the nature of my mom who was thoughtful and quiet, listened and spoke when asked (most of the time) and was extremely disciplined and structured. I grew into believing the nature of man had an evil side (dad) and a Christ-like side (mom). I wanted to mostly be like mom. She did have a few characteristics I didn’t want to model which were things like not confronting dad’s temper and beatings, not asking if one was ok after a beating, etc.

As I’ve grown in my believing I’m a “new creation” this year, I’ve realized the nature of man is simply selfish. Dad’s nature was so overt, one didn’t need to be with him very long to see his selfishness. Mom on the other hand had lots of kindness in her person, but mom’s nature still had its selfishness. (It’s hard to write this about her, yet I now see the truth in this.) Mom’s nature was much more covert rather than dad’s overt nature.

I lived a long time measuring my own sinfulness against dad’s behavior. If I weren’t like him I’d not be sinful even though my selfishness was very present. I’ve learned that my sin is measured against God’s definition of sin from His Word, never from man’s comparison of sins. I simply didn’t want to sin like dad–that was my goal. So, now I’ve needed to accept I sin like Earnie. Both are sinful. Keeping my eyes on Jesus has shown me what selfishness does look like in me–having my way. Letting Jesus have His Way with me is now my goal in all of my life. I have a lot of nature that opposes this, but now I see this for what it is: sinful selfishness. This is an assignment I’ll be working on the rest of my days on earth.

Well, Wanda is now in the arms of Jesus. I doubt that her body knew I was with her before her passing, but her spirit knew and I’m so grateful I was able to spend one of her last hours by her side.

As this journey of mine continues I find myself needing to adjust to a new way of living. The structure of consulting from the past 15 years had a definite boundary around it–going to the school or district for the length of the day and usually working with the staff before and after the students were gone. Now, I have days with several counseling appointments and those that only have one, two or none. That was no problem with lots of yard work to do. Now that gardening season is coming to an end I can see that there will be time for _________-what? I’ve never lived with empty time on my hands knowing this will stay the same throughout the rest of my life. I know that God has a plan for it and I guess I will try to wait patiently to see what He wants me to do with it. There will be more counseling appointments I know. Almost every day I am contacted for help.

Even as I write this I recall that there is a training for new counselors that I can begin to put together. Well, that helps. I’m glad I’m writing this for the struggle in my mind is given new light. God is never not working and I don’t want to be in a category where I’m not working either. I enjoy having my mind and time occupied with purpose. OK, into this day I go!

I was 29 years old when I walked into the school where I had taught for 7 years and was now walking in as the new principal. The secretary was already there. It wasn’t very long before I asked her what a principal was suppose to do to start the school year? This was never part of any class I’d attended for administration. She had been the secretary all of my 7 years of teaching and I’d gotten to know her pretty well. She kindly gave me several steps to take which would follow the footsteps of my predecessor. She was my secretary from 1979 to 1992. I’ve kept in touch with this secretary throughout my life. She and her husband were very close friends even though they were old enough to be my parents. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from her younger son that she won’t be with us much longer. We were about to start a birthday party for two of our grandkids so I said I’d be there in the morning.

I’m headed to the assisted living place where Wanda has lived most of this year. She turned 91 earlier this past week. My emotions are happy and sad. Happy she gets to join Orville and Jesus and sad that I will no longer have her presence. She was one of the first people God had placed in my life who believed in me. I can’t begin to write here all of the things she told me I “could do”. It was always in a kind way that the message would be delivered. She called me her oldest son and in my heart she was a 2nd mother to me.

I praise God for His Loving Kindness given to me through this magnificent lady named Wanda!