Have you ever heard the phrase that “emotions are neither right nor wrong–they just are”? In the late 80’s and 90’s a great deal of attention was being given to brain research and how it impacts learning. The educational system was needing to do a good deal of reform around what this research was finding. During this time a book entitled Emotional Intelligence was written. In it emotion is described as fuel for the brain. Fuel, when lit, can destroy when it is not contained. On the other hand, it can be contained and used to propel an astronaut into space. It all depends on how we handle the fuel. This is an excellent picture of emotions for me. When emotions are not contained they can look like my dad’s did when he was raging. However, when they are contained and used for purposeful fuel they can inspire one to complete a dream like going to college and becoming a teacher/principal and so much more!
Last week in my counseling session the counselor said that trauma is stored in a person’s body waiting to be reconciled. When we stuff the memories of trauma we are actually stuffing the emotions stirred by the trauma and then the emotions find different outlets often looking like anger, addictions, etc. My class curriculum calls the stuffing of these emotions–DEADNESS. The denial of them is trying to keep the emotions dead.
Since I’ve decided to address the still suppressed emotions in me (trauma) I’ve had nightly dreams which are very troubling. However, once I’m awake and thinking them through I recognize what they are trying to do. They are exposing unresolved trauma. I’m anxious but grateful to be at this juncture in my recovery. I feel as though I’m going to find a freedom (confidence) God has wanted me to obtain with Him I’ve not yet known. Satan is doing his best to keep me paralyzed, but with God’s help I’m telling him, “Not this time.” It is with God’s strength I will overcome.
I wasn’t going to write this morning but I have a few minutes before leaving for church. There is something stirring in me that started in the middle of the night. I awoke unable to sleep for a couple hours. It seemed I was filled with all kinds of emotions I couldn’t sort out. When I awoke this morning I was 30 minutes later than I’d intended. As I finished my devotions and my journaling I was asking God what all this emotional stuff was about? He seemed to simply tell me to respect them and feel them.
I had finished reading a book last night which was authored by the counselor I went to for 3 years from 2009-2012. It is fiction but it is definitely about real issues in life and a counselor not so unlike herself is leading a group of people through their issues in a group setting once a week. I identified well with one of them. This person was living in a state of being which the abuse curriculum I’m using in my Tuesday night class calls “deadness”. By the end of the book this person was coming to life–sensing and enjoying the feelings she has.
As I was showering this morning it seemed God awoke me to the emotions I was feeling as those which had been “dead” within me. There is so much more I need to learn and awaken to in all of this but I do see what deadness is from reading it in the book and now finding it within me. The journey continues!
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY! I’ve always thought this was a rather cute celebration. My first year of being a principal back in 1980, I had a sheet cake made with a groundhog on the frosting. The staff was caught in the throws of winter doldrums both with students and themselves. The celebration was a spirit boost momentarily helping everyone to see spring is coming. In writing this I see that I probably did this more for myself than anyone else.
With Kathy getting home yesterday I was able to talk through all of the class and counseling dialogue with her. I know I caught her when she was wishing to nap but she stayed awake for it. It was helpful to put all of this emotional strife into a conversation. It helps to bring meaningfulness out of it. Now that I’m more awake to emotions I can see why they need to be expressed. Housing them without expression brings about alter expressions which aren’t necessarily healthy.
I’m eager to know where all this is going. I’ve always been one to believe that God takes us through times like this preparing us for the next chapter in our living each day for Him. I’ll be patient however as I know He is bringing about a healing I’ve rushed by in times past. These roots of deception have to get uprooted for good this time. To God be all Glory!
This morning I thought I needed to make a decision about continuing this blog. I had started it almost three years ago as a means of telling the readers of my autobiography what daily living was like while continuing to find and live freedom day by day. What I wasn’t expecting was at some point in time I might do what I did yesterday—go back to counseling. For me it seemed to change the entire purpose of the blog. I wasn’t helping someone, I was now needing more help for myself. As I took this dilemma to God, He said, “I think it is best to continue it.” The fact that I’m going back into some counseling is simply a part of the journey continuing.
I did have an amazing appointment. Instead of being uptight about going, I was looking forward to it. I found myself free of the past fears when I’d gone before. It seemed I knew God was going to bring clarity and healing in spots I had wanted to squelch. In the session I heard comments about “the new creation” God has for me or waiting for me to see and find. The counselor asked me to consider seeing myself the way my grandkids see me rather than seeing myself the way I thought my dad saw me. He said, “Would it be possible that God sees you more like your grandkids do? This keeps ringing in my head.
Maybe it will be helpful for me to be totally transparent in this blog as I will post what I am finding about the roots of trauma which the body stores. The counselor said our body wants to complete what the trauma didn’t so it can bring closure to it. This sounds obscure but somehow I believe this to be true. When this is complete it can be let go. The end result of the trauma–I think–will be God’s use of it rather than my hiding of it.
I wouldn’t have thought when I wrote my autobiography 3 years ago that I’d be writing what I’m about to write. However, in the recent lessons on shame and the one I mentioned for this week, I can feel the grip–bondage which still exists in me. The counselor and I talked about this after class last Tuesday and yesterday I called him and I’m going in this morning to address what I wasn’t ready to address all those years ago. The therapy of EMDR is what the counselor will use. I’m well acquainted with it as I’ve had 2+ years of it before.
Somehow, being OK has always been very important to me. For a long time being OK is what I wanted the world to see in me and so I kept my past hidden. Well, the emotional infection was oozing out way back in my late 30’s when I went for the first time. Then, when I went again in my late 50’s the wounds were open–most of them. Today I want to open the last of them with the counselor’s help. God has been very faithful in helping me see this need. How much I do love HIM!
The saga of recovery seems to be ever before me in my thoughts as I go into this day. The lesson of last night’s recovery class was steeped in strongholds which I can call powerlessness, darkness, deadness. The sub-topic for the lesson was “symptoms of post-traumatic stress”. As only God would ordain, the counselor we have joining us every other week was present last night and spent the entire 90 mins with us. Afterwards he offered his counseling assistance to one of the guys who has never had any treatment for PTSD and his childhood abuse/trauma. As I was finished locking up the place he also asked me if I’d like any additional help to better find freedom? I told him I knew from this lesson that I still have an area gripping me I need to address. As I took all of this to God this morning He seemed to confirm for me that His Holy Spirit desires to help me replace the “hardness of heart” I have regarding some issues I’ve talked about but my body doesn’t know the freedom of the hardness nor how to find the means to let it go. I certainly recognize my body’s response vs what my mind knows.
I am going to set an appointment for this counselor to help me address this. I seem to know what needs to be addressed, but finding the means to let it go is the goal. Boy, God is so faithful and His Holy Spirit is so patient. I’m so glad to have the means for facing this giant through God’s leading.
Today, this morning, I am picking up the testimony of a dear friend who is giving it for the first time this Thursday at Celebrate Recovery. He has been coming for about 8 years now and finally decided it was time to stand before the group and tell the story of God’s work in his life. I am very proud of him! He has actually been my accountability partner for the past 4 years and has served as my sponsor too as I have for him. I’m looking forward to seeing just how God uses his story to touch others who may be stuck. God has a way of lifting us into new insights through the stories of His Work in other’s lives.
I told you about the Sunday School class I’m attending. Last Sunday the teacher asked us which Bible character would we aspire to be more like? I didn’t say anything but I’ve always wished I could be more like John. In his book of John he never names himself. He only refers to himself as the disciple Christ loved. I’ve wished so often to carry that confidence within me knowing I am loved by God’s Own Son. This morning as I was journaling I asked God what He wanted me to know from Him for the day as I do each day. He said, “Earnie, you are My adopted son for which I love. John was not the only disciple Christ loved but John loved himself so he was able to receive Christ’s love more easily. Have confidence that I love you just the same way.” As I write this I think of the scripture which says to love our neighbor as ourselves. I know this is the love God is talking about–it is confidence that we are created in the image of God and for good. I want to stay anchored in this truth.
I think all of us know we are a carnal, human person with a spiritual presence within us. If we are Christian we also know this spiritual presence connects directly to God’s Holy Spirit when we give our lives to Jesus Christ as the only true way to God our Father. The Sunday School class I’ve begun to attend a few weeks back is fascinating. The sole purpose for it is to help us connect the stories of the Bible to us today. It is done by taking the scriptures back to their language roots so the translations don’t adjust their meanings. The Hebrew language is one of pictures so every letter has a personal meaning for life. Our teacher is gifted at bringing these pictures into focus as she teaches.
It is amazing to me that I want to understand scripture in my human mind as I understand math or science. However, there are things God wants us taking by faith which always make me wonder where that came from or why am I to do that? An example is living as a new creation. How does this happen and what does it really look like in this human world? How do I rely on the Holy Spirit in day to day activities? What does faith and trust look like at these times? I asked yesterday why God revealed to Mary about Jesus being born and then simply told Joseph to trust her. Also, God showed Rebecca she was having twins and the second one would rule over the first one. Why didn’t He tell this to Isaac? The teacher said that in the Jewish language woman are known to be more spiritual and able to believe God’s messages. Men question while women believe.
Today I want to start believing far more than I question. Maybe I’ll still question but I don’t want that to replace believing even when I don’t understand. God is wanting to strengthen my belief and I want to give Him permission to do all He needs to help me be a strong believer using trust and faith always rather than doubt and speculation. God–be free to do all You need to do.
Yesterday was a remarkably good day in many ways. I got the gals off to the airport and they are now into their buying week. That could be frightening for me, but….
One of our Celebrate Recovery men came over yesterday afternoon and did his inventory with me. He had started this a couple years ago and had not finished it until yesterday. In the couple of years he has experienced some life changing ordeals like two heart attacks. He is 10 years younger than me. God is working in his life. He also shared a huge amends he wanted to do but needed to express it ahead of time. In all of this I kept sensing God’s work in this man’s life. I’ve known this guy and his wife for almost 10 years now and it was the first time I could see life-changing differences. There was a genuine sense of HOPE as we met. I thank God for this!
A couple of other areas in our family have me on the verge of worry. As I’d written yesterday, God reminds me to praise Him rather than live in fear. I’m so glad He pointed this out yesterday. I am needing it again today and I need a consistent reminder for each day. Today I praise God for all I know He is doing whether I can see it, hear it or experience it. I know that God is Working. I trust Him and praise Him this day!
As today begins I’m faced with an opportunity to praise God. I didn’t get up feeling this way however. Kathy is leaving for a week with her sister to assist with her sis on a buying trip for her store in Joseph, OR. They enjoy this time and I’ve always thought it was a good time for Kathy to get away from Winter in Idaho. For me, this time, I’ve feared the days alone. I’ve been under more attach of late with the class I’m taking on abuse as well as the one we just started.
This morning as I was reading in Acts Joyce Meyer adds a piece of her own testimony in connection with Paul’s writing of Acts. She says there was a point in her ministry where she was being very fearful. One evening she was feeling quite despondent and asked God to help her understand. In so doing the Lord pointed her to Romans 15:13 which says in part: “May the God of your hope fill you with joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith….” Just like Joyce had been, I’ve been looking at the problem I face rather than looking at the God of my HOPE. Instantly, as I took hold of this truth my peace returned.
God is such a tremendously loving God of grace and mercy. I do have complete hope in Him. I needed this morning to get focused. Now my week will be one where I can rejoice in all God has in store for it.
Earnie Lewis 