This week is my own family reunion week.  When we got home I quickly got the lawn mowed, something I rarely do on a Sunday.  But, I needed it out of the way and besides, the garbage is picked up early this morning and I didn’t want two weeks of it sitting at the driveway all week long.

In getting home I knew my brothers and sis-in-laws were eager to get details outlined for the week and I’d said I’d call when I got home and had the lawn mowed.  In so doing I found there was dissention.  We got together last night and in an hour we had all the details outlined and all were happy.  God was showing me a nudge I hadn’t listened to however that caused the dissention.  I hadn’t called my two brothers with the arrival times for my sis’s flying in and their wives particularly were upset that I was being negligent about this.  The thing that got me was I had more than once been nudged to get this info to them but I simply didn’t do it.  It always seemed to be when I was doing something else “more important” at the time.  I’m writing this today because over the weekend God had been talking to me about my obedience to Him.  Last night when I found out that my two sis-in-laws were upset like they were and it was my fault, I heard God say, “See, this is why I nudge you.”  I told them I was sorry and the evening was over and all is well.  I learned my lesson.  I don’t want to be the cause of dissention when it is triggered by disobedience to God’s nudging.

This morning God is helping me to see how Satan’s devious ways are interwoven into our daily lives just like this.  I don’t call when I am nudged to do so and when the family arrives, everyone is out of sorts so we can’t enjoy one another’s company like was planned.  I sure don’t want to be an initiator of this or one of Satan’s ploys.  OK, lesson learned.  Now to enjoy day one with the family.

Today we will head back to Idaho.  It has been a great time here with Kathy’s family.  The reunion was enjoyable with so many of Kathy’s mom’s family.  They are a gregarious bunch.  I’ve personally enjoyed the time with Kathy’s brother who is the one who originally brought me to Celebrate Recovery so many years back.  His own walk with recovery is now having him engaged with recovery ministries that allow his past to help others with their present and future.  God keeps putting him into ministry work that parallels with my own.  He and I are going to stay in touch more closely as we continue this Kingdom Work God has given us to do.

Yesterday I mentioned about obeying God’s voice when I hear Him tell me something He wants me to do.  Today in scripture reading I read about Esther.  Of all the people to become a queen, she would never have been picked out by man’s ways.  However, God had a plan that was put into place because His kids were good listeners and obeyed what He had them to do.  Joyce Meyer has a footnote at this point saying that God does give us direction and insights as to His plan for us when we ask and obey His voice/direction.  Along with this, Jesus is often called our Counselor/Guide.  However, His voice is not to be considered as optional, even though we have the choice to not follow it.  God has always given man choice.  However, I am greatly learning that to be a Godly servant completing Kingdom Work for God, it is not an option for us to disobey the nudges He gives us.  If we do disobey He will find someone else to do what He has asked of us.  We miss out on the glory of knowing and being part of the affirmation which comes from obedience.  I don’t want to be one of those who only does what he wants to do from God’s direction.

As I head home I sense God leading me into better obedience.  I’d like to think I’ve been obedient, but I know that isn’t true.  I am one who is obedient when it doesn’t stress me too much.  I’m finding that the stress I feel is simply me trying to determine what obeying God’s direction will lead me to.  Instead, I want to leave my thinking out and act on what God says.  It gives new meaning to the Serenity Prayer’s line about “…one day at a time and one moment at a time taking hardship as a pathway to peace.”  I see hardships if I try to determine the outcome of God’s leading.  Instead of this, I want to obey knowing even if there are hardships, God will see to them.

Trust & Obey, that is God’s message for today.

Kathy’s family reunion is today and while this is happening here, I have two sisters flying in at home for the reunion my family will have a week from today.  The other sis is flying in next Tuesday with her daughter.  All of this is for a good time reconnecting.

When I journal each day I always ask the question regarding what God wants me to know from Him for today.  Every so often there is a specific action He wants me to take.  As I was rereading yesterday’s journal entry there was an action I’d written and I did not act on it–in fact, I’d forgotten entirely about it.  The conversations of the day led me to think that acting on it today would not be the right thing to do.  However, when I asked God again if He wanted me to act on this He seemed to remind me that He doesn’t change His mind.  The things about yesterday were just that–things.  I needed to learn to trust God’s voice in my life as definite.  Too often I have preconceptions about outcomes that are not in alignment with God.  So, I’ll follow through today with my task of yesterday.

Learning to trust God all the time and not to question steps He gives me to take will be an area of growth for me.  I’ll likely stay here for quite some time.  And now it is time to start being a good boy and helping where my wife and sis in law direct.  This is their day!

Yes, the journey continues.  Right now I’m glad the journey has us in Wallowa, OR where Kathy was born and raised.  Being here for her family reunion puts me in touch with her younger brother who was the very one that introduced me to Celebrate Recovery long before we ever got it started at our church.  I’ve learned to trust and respect him for he is one who not only has found his sobriety, but he is instrumental in mentoring, sponsoring and guiding ones seeking help in the programs that he helps lead back in western Oregon.  I love having him as a sounding board.  On top of all of this, he has a great sense of humor as well as does his wife.  This makes time for humor as well as great counsel.

Being away from home does allow God to give perspective to the work he asks us to do for His Kingdom.  One can see it differently than when one is in the midst of it.  I am seeing that as I’m here and working through items I’ve had in my head and being somewhat nervous/fearful about.  God wants His Work anchored in trusting Him and this is just what He is doing while we are here.  I thank Him so much for this.  God is good all the time and all the time God is GOOD!

Kathy and I drove to Joseph, OR yesterday to be with her family here for their annual reunion.  As we drove the 4 hour trek we listened to a CD given to me last Sunday by my mentor and friend.  I wasn’t sure what it was about, but she has never given me anything that wasn’t meat and potatoes for my journey.   As God always does, it was spot on for my next step.  The focus of the talk was Satan using our past to lay claim before God just as he did with Job or as Jesus said to Peter that Satan was attempting to stop all of the intended work God had for him.  All of this is in the spiritual world so we don’t see it but we certainly feel it and are bombarded by the effects of the attacks.

The speaker in the CD was telling how we can confess any sins which may be used by Satan both sins done to us as well as sins we have committed.  In hearing “done to us” I hadn’t ever known I could repent of those sins.  I’ve lived in the bondage of them thinking and hoping dad and my brother had repented of theirs so they wouldn’t own me.  Satan has used them all my life.  While I was driving and listening I asked God to take those sins done to me and that I repent of them and leave them at the Cross of Jesus.  It was amazing.  There was much more the speaker was saying, but this was a prominent message for me to hear.

God is truly uprooting all the lies which have been buried within me.  I’m so grateful for God’s faithfulness as well as inspiring those He has placed in our lives to continue to help us with our overcoming.  This is my hope and my prayers for the forthcoming recovery classes.  God is wanting all of us to find the freedom of sin’s bondage.  God is wanting His truth to be known for the victims He is preparing to come for their own healing.  May we be a beacon for God in this where He is opening doors for others to step through.

This morning God wanted me to face and commit to jumping one of the hurdles I was facing yesterday when I wrote the blog.  In the recovery ministry classes we will be starting this fall, the four of them are all centered around sexual brokenness.  I continually live in the fear that the brokenness of my life will never be healed so I could be “perfect” like everyone around me.  The moments in life whether days or minutes when I don’t feel broken are reprieves from the other times when I am brought back to the reality of the brokenness.  This hurdle has been a haunt all of my life.

Today in my scripture reading God had Ezra tell the returning Israelites they are to make a covenant with God of their faith, commitment and surrender.  They will not destroy their sexual purity with God by marrying foreign women and worshiping their gods as was started by Solomon.  Last night I was listening to Joyce Meyer as she spoke on TV.  She was challenging the audience to obey God when He speaks.  This morning God spoke telling me He wanted me to no longer face these recovery classes in fear, but in faith, commitment and surrender.  My fear of my own brokenness still owning me is just that–fear.  God took care of that brokenness and now it is time for me to live in the freedom full time.  When I start to fear I tell my accountability.  I’ve already contacted him this morning.

Satan wants me hearing him remind me how many times I’ve failed at this.  It is already happening even as I write this.  BUT, I am praising God for His Promise that Jesus Christ’s work on the Cross replaced my brokenness when I asked Christ into my heart.  It has taken me a lifetime to claim this, but today I claim it as mine 24-7.  Praising God disempowers the enemy and allows God’s Power to be put into action.  So, in this I will praise God both in word and in song.

When I was in junior high and high school I use to greatly enjoy track.  I’m not good in many sports and I don’t have much interest in them.  But, when it came to track and gymnastics I liked them a lot.  I suppose that was in part because I was fairly good at them.  Hurdles were one of the ones I did enjoy and I also won in them.  Of course it was never in competition except during PE class because we could never stay after school for sports.  We had cows to milk and dad wasn’t one to do our chores so we could participate in sports.

I write this little sports item because this morning I’ve been reflecting a moment on this year of 2018.  At the beginning of each year I have a hope that the year will be one of joy and fulfillment.  If someone asked me what that would look like I’d say something like–trouble free.  As I was having my devotions I read about all the issues the Jews were having as they had gone back to Jerusalem to rebuild the temple (found in Ezra).  The local foreigners didn’t want it rebuilt.  They feared the God who lived in it and who was worshipped in it by the Jews.  They did much to stop or delay its reconstruction.  Joyce Meyer says in a script she wrote that we often want to avoid at all cost the obstacles which look like conflict and work.  However, God wants us to face them.  It is in facing them and overcoming them that we find victory and we can see Him at His Work.

These hurdles in life are to be faced and jumped.  Just like running the hurdles in PE, there is joy when one gets to the end of the race and you have completed the jumps which are now behind you and not facing you.  I needed this message this morning.  These fears I’ve been writing about the past couple days are hurdles.  I’ve avoided so many hurdles in my past by denying their existence or simply trying to skirt around them, but now God wants me facing them.  His Work He has me doing isn’t about denying or skirting anymore.  If I’m going to be helping others face their demons I need to face my own.  So, this morning God and I decided we like jumping hurdles and finding the victory which comes at the end of the race.  Ready–Set–Go!

FEAR–does it ever go away?  I suppose not in this human life we live.  I awoke early this morning battling it.  I was able to surrender it but it didn’t dissipate.  As I got up and had my devotions I found fear dominating my scripture reading.  I’ve finished II Chronicles and started Ezra.  Ezra 3:3 states, “…for fear was upon them….”  Joyce Meyer has a footnote which says, “God moves on our behalf when we focus on Him instead of on our fears.  The feeling of fear or fearful thoughts is simply our enemy Satan trying to distract us from God and His will for our lives.  We would do well to follow the Israelites’ example in Ezra 3:3 and focus on God, worshipping Him with all our hearts….”

Being much more awake to my feelings as I am today I recognize fear for what it is.  I also recognize how much I do struggle with it and have done so all my life.  I was in denial of it for most of my life.  I had it walled off just like I did so many other feelings.  It is good to know it is only a temptation.  Satan plants the seed for it just as Joyce said.  He wants to distract me from God’s leading in my life.

I was journaling about all of this following my scripture reading.  God guided my thoughts to His Son’s response in the garden where he went following the last supper with his disciples.  Even Christ had his moments of fear and struggle.  But, what did he do with it?  He took it to His Father just as God is wanting me (us) to do with it.  Christ was completing His work for His Father.  God is wanting us to do the same as He guides us each and every day.  When I was a boy the fears I had left me helpless for I had no control over the days and the outcomes of them.  However, that is not the case any longer.  I know now (or am learning) to surrender these fears to God and to also let them go.  Instead of hanging onto them, I thank God for what He is preparing to do with all that Satan wants me to be anxious about.  God is ALMIGHTY and He wants me remembering it each and every day.

God is Almighty!  With His presence and with His command entire armies are defeated and have been defeated over and over again.  The stronghold of my heart is being done away with too by this Almighty God.

As I wrote yesterday’s blog I had come up against some personal beliefs I had not overcome about me and my worthiness of God’s use.  The simple fact that sin still exists in my life at times and that temptations of sin are present too routinely keep me in constant anxiety.  What if I slip into sin again?  I will need to be cast out.  Writing yesterday’s truth about my heart freed me to come face to face with God about this fear and unworthiness.

During the day God showed me much about His intimacy and how I can trust it as genuine and steadfast.  Man is selfish in his intimacy and interpretation of it, but not God.  Man also sees intimacy too often as sexual only.  God sees it and wants me to see it as trust and faith in every aspect of living with and for Him.  He also wants me to see that my life with the family He has given me can be just as trusted as my life with Him can be trusted.  I can anchor into all of this.

Intimacy was never known to me as a child.  My sexual abuse started before I was old enough to know anything about intimacy.  The verbal abuse from dad about who I am was so laden with dad’s disgust that I never began to develop any kind of assuredness that I’m OK.  Then my divorce after 7 years of marriage cinched it for me.  I was unworthy of love and couldn’t be trusted with love.

Now God is proving to me He didn’t make any mistake.  Man’s lack of nurture and love was used by Satan to build a belief system where Satan could easily manipulate what I believe and how far I could go in serving God.  Well, God is shattering all of that old man belief!  How much I love and appreciate this Almighty God we serve!  His ALMIGHTY is just as powerful in the loving details of our lives as it is in the vastness of creating our universe.  How much I want to love and serve Him well!

Today is my youngest daughter’s birthday.  She is 32 today.  It was 32 years ago when we got the call that our baby to be adopted was born.  We would be able to pick her up from the hospital the next morning.  She was 20 hours old when Kathy, Amy, Amber and I arrived to receive into our arms–Angie.  Boy, how quickly 32 years fly by!

This journey of life God has for me is somehow wanting me to know God Almighty as Almighty.  It has been almost two years since God had me start journaling specifically to Him rather than to His Son Jesus.  In this time I’ve found Father God as intimate, loving, merciful, and gracious.  In my head I know that God is Almighty.  However, somehow, He is wanting me to know in my heart that He is Almighty.  I write this and at the same time question how I can know this in my heart?  God seems to be emphasizing to me in my devotional time that He wants me to be as grounded on His being Almighty as I’ve become regarding His Love.

Yesterday afternoon I spent about an hour and a half with the one who is leading with me the recovery group this fall for homosexuality.  As I’ve been going through the curriculum we will use I am challenged over and over to see deeply into my past finding God at all levels of the abuse from both my brother and my dad.  In the past 10 years of Celebrate Recovery and the additional years of counseling/therapy, I have found God to be just what He promises through His Son Jesus.  I don’t question at all in my mind about God being Almighty.  What I don’t know at this moment is His Almighty using me.  It is not about Him so much as Him and “me”.  Somehow I find myself separating me from God when I see Him being Almighty.  Of course He is, but can I be used by this Almighty God?  I write this and my anxiety rises 10 fold.  Can God be Almighty and use me at the same time?  I know I am facing many “demons” in my belief system.  Writing this shows me how much I must surrender so God can cast these out.  He wants me believing in Him and He wants me seeing myself being used by Him.

I am truly into new territory as I write this morning’s blog.  I do sense I’m not here abandoned as I’ve always sensed in my past when starting new things.  I will begin this day praising God Almighty for showing me what Almighty means even before I can put any words to it.  Thank you Father God—ALMIGHTY!