As I’ve already written in previous blogs, I’m reading Judges right now in my scripture time during devotions.  Today’s entire reading was God calling Gideon to tackle the heckling problems of the Midianites.  I already knew Gideon had a fear issue because I’ve not only read it before, but heard many sermons built on this topic. Gideon didn’t let the fear stop the outcome of God’s Work, but he did need much reassurance before fully stepping into the fire.

I find it interesting that God called Gideon to lead the Israelites even calling him “a mighty man of courage.” (Judges 6:12)  This comes out in the verses preceding Gideon needing the continual reassurances God is with Him in what He keeps designing for him to do.  When Gideon begins to obey God’s calling, he first does his work at night so men don’t know it is him.  Then, he asks God to give him the fleeces indicating God is fully in control of what He is asking him to do.  Lastly, before he leads the attack on the Midianites, he goes into the camp to overhear what they are saying.  In all of this he finds the confidence to move forward with God’s direction for him.

As I read this I begin to think like others have said, “Wow, he does struggle with fear.”  However, from the beginning God called him a man of courage.  Today, as I write this my gut is tight and my stomach is churning.  All my life I’ve struggled with this same fear.  God has asked me for many years to step into what I’m now doing.  Along with this, he has been opening doors for others to join in and He has also provided several insights of the same work going on all around–I just didn’t know it yet.

I think the most touching thing about this entire story is found in Judges 6:34.  It reads: “But the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon with Himself and took possession of him….”  Talk about the intimacy of God–He clothed Gideon with His own Spirit.  This is what God does for us when we accept Christ into our hearts except He doesn’t clothe us with Him, He actually places His Holy Spirit within us.  As we obey God’s calling, we allow The Holy Spirit to have the freedom God wants in using us for His Kingdom Work.  This is what I want to do.  God has been most gracious and patient getting me to this point in my life.

It is a quiet morning.  The sound of the birds outside my den window is all I’ve heard while experiencing my devotional time with God.  Last night a wind/rain/lightning storm passed through our region and following it–the calm.

Today I’m back to real life again.  I’ve begun to read Judges.  I hate the reality of real life.  In it we find man falling away from God and seeking pleasures from all sorts of means–none of which have any connection to God and His Grace.  The reality of life simply cannot be determined only by man.  This is exactly what happens to us when we remove God from the helm of our life.  This happens over and over in the book of Judges.  God sends a new judge to the people to fight the bondage of another people group.  The Israelites rejoice and as soon as that judge dies, they drift back into worshipping something other than the One True God.

What I’m also finding amazing is the strength of music.  God seems to love music.  Somehow it goes from His heart right to ours.  It melts anger, it softens hurt, it penetrates what man calls sound judgment so we can hear the whisper of wisdom’s message.  All of this is very true for me.  Music takes the reality of real life and provides hope, focus, and a renewed spirit for trusting in The One and only True God.

I’ve just finished reading the Bible book of Joshua.  I think it is one of the most inspiring books in the Bible.  It starts with hope and it ends the same way.  There are so many encouraging words in it God has given Joshua to share with the different tribes of Israel.  The one that seems to rise to the top for me is simply obedience.  The battles they have won over the many people groups is amazing.  They simply had to be present, obey the commands God gave them and He did most of the destroying.  The book ends with Joshua’s death and the direction to stay obedient to all that they had been taught.  They were a new generation.  Their parents had been the slaves to Egypt and had been unable to let that mentality go.  This new generation of Israelites found it easier to obey and trust.

This book has challenged me in so many new ways as I’ve read it this time.  To not have the mentality of a slave is huge.  Satan so wants to keep us enslaved to the bondage of sin.  Boy do I recognize that character flaw in me.  I’ve fought it all my life.  More recently learning to not fight it but to let it go giving it to Christ is a huge step.  Fighting it is much more like hiding it.  I have to do it on my own strength when I’m hiding it.  I didn’t even know I was doing that for many years.  However, in learning that I was, I still had to recognize that having the lie told still didn’t do away with this grueling habit.  I needed to release it to God so the work His Son Jesus did on the Cross took care of it.  God had to delay the Israelites entrance into their Promise Land until He had a group who truly believed and trusted Him.

The spiritual reality I am gleaning from this is that God has given to each of us a promise land.  It may not be our present circumstances but it is our spiritual/mental state.  When the Israelites crossed over the Jordan River at Jericho they were being faced with foes all around them.  Yet, they crossed believing.  God is asking us to not let the foes in our lives set what we believe about Him.  I’m getting a better hold on this as I continue to stay in this life of obedience and believing.  I hope you will too.  God is such a patient and merciful God.

Yesterday morning I was meeting with a state dept. of education person who organizes some of the consulting work I do.  We were at a coffee house in Nampa.  As we were finishing our work in walks someone I’ve known for a few years and had moved to Colorado.  I jumped up to give them a hug to find she’d moved back.  We had actually met because she’d read my book and contacted me.  Over the next couple years I spoke for a couple events connecting to her work.  She has now moved back and in a new position leading a major non-profit work in our valley.  As we were catching up the man she was to meet arrived and we spent a few minutes connecting also.  He is the associate pastor at a large church and in charge of community outreach and recovery.  He heads the Celebrate Recovery at their church but is new to it.  I enjoyed a great deal connecting with both of them.  God is good this way.  I have no idea if our ministries will reconnect, but we will see what God may have in mind.

I’ve been doing OK introducing myself at Celebrate Recovery adding the words: “I struggle with homosexuality.”  However, as I got to share group there was a man who came who hasn’t been with us for several weeks due to a conflictive schedule with his kids track at their high school.  It is now done so he returned.  I found myself not wanting to use my new introduction with him present.  He hadn’t heard why I was adding it and I felt intimidated saying it with him present. We have known one another for many years.  Even though I know he knows this struggle, I had my pride jumping in the way.  It is a frustrating thing to see just how weak I can be when something like this comes up.  I’m calling him today to let him know of the incident.  We will end up laughing about it likely, but I do need to confess this moment of weakness to him.  God is a good God and I want to do His bidding in all my life.

All day yesterday the word reproach was staying with me.  It is actually rearranging some very critical things in my thinking.  The impact of Christ’s reproach to our sins and misbeliefs is most important if we are to live today in His Freedom.  As I was reading in the Bible this morning Joshua was facing all of the mighty kings in the land they were to now occupy.  God had given him a plan to move forward and had promised Joshua that He would provide the victory.  He didn’t tell how, He just said He would.  If you go back to the start of the book of Joshua and read Joshua 1:9, it says, “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua, now a few years later in chapter 9 is being told to prepare for the mighty kings that had pooled their resources to attack the Israelites.  He had not forgotten what God told him from the very time he first crossed the Jordan and faced the walled city of Jericho.  He stayed strong in his belief and acted on the insights God gave him.

What has paralyzed me more than anything in my life from obeying all God has asked me to do is the possible revelation of my past and people knowing I struggle with gay thoughts.  Today, however, God is having me not only face this, He has promised me that Jesus’ reproach of my sins replaced the disgrace with God’s Grace.  Now I can tell my story not with shame, but with victory.  Just like God was trying to show the Israelites they were now victors and they were no longer slaves to man as they were to the Egyptians; so He is showing me I am no longer a slave to the fears of man knowing my past.  I am a victor helping others find their way to Christ’s reproach and ultimate victory for them.

Praise the Lord!

Today’s devotional time has been an eye opening experience.  It all started with my Blackaby devotional reading where they talked about the consequence of David’s sin when he had the affair with Bathsheba.  God forgave his sin but sin still had consequences for him and his family which plagued him for the remainder of his life.  We need to know this about sin and intentionally stepping into it.  Secondly, as I began to read in Joshua 5 it said God told Joshua to circumcise the children of Israel.  Since their 40 years of wondering in the wilderness, none of them had been.  The ones who had been born in Egypt had but they were now all dead.  God goes on to tell Joshua that the circumcision is to roll away the reproach of Egypt on them.

I had not ever looked into the word reproach.  I think I first heard it in the old hymn–The Old Rugged Cross where it says in the 4th verse:  “To that old rugged cross I will ever be true.  Its shame and reproach gladly bear….”  As I saw this word in scripture reading I was wondering just exactly its meaning.  When I looked it up I found that it means removing the shame, disgrace and blame.  The children of Israel had been slaves for 400 years in Egypt and God wanted all of these men to now know He had cut away all of their shame of being slaves to other men.  They were to become victors in the land they were being given by God their Father.  They were no longer slaves, but they were now to be victors.

This hit me like a tidal wave with understanding like I’ve not had before.  I’m sure these people needed to learn what it was to be independent of man’s ownership.  They had been dependent on someone else for 400 years.  I had my own beliefs about my value to man and being a slave to what I thought in my head–believed about myself.  God has been trying to give me His reproach for years but I couldn’t see it.  I’ve been too blind until the blinders were lifted this morning.  So, I gave this belief I’ve had to Jesus so He could bury it once and for all where He had already done it so many years ago.

I’m sure there is more God will be teaching me now that these blinders are gone.  Satan has wanted me to be blind to God’s Grace by only seeing my own disgrace.  That is now gone.  I see and accept God’s Grace.  Join me if this has been a life-long struggle for you.

When there are a multitude of unanswered questions in my mind I want to go to what I know I can do and lose myself there.  However, when I have done this in my past I’m running away from the unanswered questions and the agony they cause within me.  This is what I am wanting to do right now with things like:  “How do I help my sis?”, “How do I promote this new recovery ministry so our church people embrace anyone who steps into these classes–especially the ones about homosexuality?”, “How do I prepare to be the leader in this God is wanting me to be?”.  As I was having my devotional reading, Bible reading, this morning God was showing me all the unknowns He was having Joshua (now leader of the Israelites after Moses death) face.  Joshua didn’t have answers to all his concerns, but He had faith in God Himself.  God told Joshua to be strong and courageous and to take the steps He would give him at the time he was to take them.  So, this time I’m not going to run and hide in work I can do.  I will do the work but I will also keep myself awake to what I don’t know to do attempting to listen and hear when God says it is time to move.

The fear of taking steps into the unknown was paralyzing for me for all of my life until these past few ones.  Even though I sense fear I do not ever want it to be what stops me.  Today I will do what God asks me to do and rejoice in the truth that God is my Guide and His Son Jesus is my Lord and Master.  His Holy Spirit Who lives within me will nudge me each time I’m to respond to Him.  I love Him for all of this.

I wrote yesterday’s blog and have finished rereading it.  It is amazing to me how God shows us something and then life’s daily activity brings it to reality and I don’t even catch the fact God has already prepped me for it.  I did some gardening earlier in the morning and then called my sis in Calif.  She was to have some news about her heart given to her by the heart specialist and I was curious what she was told.  There was no blockage which I thought was great news.  However, what I wasn’t expecting to hear was that her heart is permanently damage from all the years of uncontrolled high blood pressure.  She is into heart failure and there is no treatment.  In fact, some of the meds she has been taking are being removed for they stress the heart which is incapable of handling it.  There isn’t a timeframe given to her.  It is just that the heart will give out at some point.

If I could remove all the emotional ties to this news I would be saying that this is all to be expected.  Our human side gives out and our spiritual side lives on forever.  This is what God has been doing with all mankind since sin entered His creation.  This morning I have been asking God what He wants me to know from Him?  He reminded me that life is His to give and to take away.  In this, give glory back to Him.  I’ve pondered just how wonderful life has been being the brother to such a great sis.  She is still with me and I will do my best to take advantage of whatever time God allows on this human side of life.  In it though, I will keep focused on the gift of life, not lamenting on the absence of this gift.  I want to give Glory to God for He is so worthy of our praise!

This spring has been an allergy high.  So many years ago I had sinus surgery after spending 20+ years battling allergy prescriptions, 3 years of allergy shots, tests that made you want to peel your skin right off your bones, etc.  I’ve had so many sinus infections that I’m allergic to penicillin.  After the sinus surgery I felt like a new man.  This spring is the first time I’m noticed some of the old side effects of high allergy season.  I become more easily irritable, I tire faster, and I have a sense of depression/doom.  I write all of this because in the last couple days there have been family issues getting to me and I have this urge to not be nice in dealing with them.

This morning I was lamenting with God about these issues and I asked Him how He, Jesus and The Holy Spirit can stand working with all of mankind?  I only see a minute amount of distress compared to them seeing all there is all the time.  The sun was just shedding its morning light when I was journaling this.  God seemed to ask me to look at the morning sun and reflect on what it does.  He was reminding me that my garden is growing nicely, the flowers are just starting to enter a stage of beauty which will last until late Fall, and more.  He said He could get discouraged about much of the details of life but His sole purpose is to bring mankind to Him.  He said that He wanted my purpose to be the same.  If I continue to only notice the piles of laundry, the strewn toys, the dirty dishes, I will not be the Light of Jesus He wants shown to my kids and grandkids.  He said to be the influence of Light just like the sun is to earth.  In its brilliance life grows.  Without its brilliance life suffers.  Shed Light–My Light.  So, I have my priorities realigned.  Thanks God!

So yesterday I finally found the blog I’d written on the 16th.  It is on another page and how I get that page onto this one is beyond me.  I’m sure it bothered no one but me.  I’m glad to know the lost is found and I’m not as nutty as I was thinking!

Maybe this forthcoming message will sound strange but it was important for me.  As I was beginning my journaling this morning I was nudged to converse with Jesus rather than my Father.  For a couple days I’ve been battling my pride about the need to confess each week my struggle with homosexuality.  My devotional reading this morning talked about taking up our cross just as Jesus did–struggles and all, and be obedient to what God is asking us to do.  Part of the battle for me is that when I say this I bring back many fears of my past–Will I be like my brother and abuse?  I already know this answer but if I don’t face them they become paralyzing moments for me.  I know Jesus wants to heal these within us but He can’t if I don’t face them with Him.  Today I faced them.

Jesus is the Master Healer so I’ve asked Him to heal my mind/memories in these areas still untouched and not faced yet by me.  Total obedience is what I want and He reminded me that His strength comes when I am able to surrender.  Jesus is such a model for each of us.  How much I want to be a reflection of Him and not my pride.