This morning as I began my journaling I ended by asking the question I do each day of Jesus. “What do You want me to know from You for today? His response was unusual but immediate. He asked, “Do you know that I love you?” He usually has more to say than a question but that seemed to be it for this morning. I started to respond to say that I did, but I started to take a look at my actions towards love and began to realize just how much I don’t know about love. So, I wrote that I know about love but living through my childhood where love was never addressed, I learned to isolate myself from abuse and I called isolation safe.

This morning my mind began to open to what ladies call the man cave. I’ve always pushed that statement aside thinking it is silly. Yet, this morning I realized that my man cave is the place I go to be safe–isolation. I do this mentally whether I’m in a crowd or alone. It is safe and it is relaxing. I don’t find myself doing this nearly as often as I use to do, but I sure recognize it.

This morning I felt challenged to face love and I asked Jesus to awaken me to it. I’m not sure what this is all about, but I do look forward to being awake to it. Receiving love is something I’ve been told I don’t do well, so now I’m ready to accept this truth and to grow into knowing and receiving love as well as giving it. What a morning!

If you are like me at all, you sometimes wonder how living out Romans 8 is possible. Paul does a fabulous job outlining the transformation from living in the flesh to living in the Spirit. It all begins when we accept Jesus as our Savior and then begin to live with Jesus as our Lord.

This morning as I was journaling I asked Jesus how this transformation actually takes place? How did He do this? Immediately I was given a word picture which was like this—-. Jesus said, when I gave My Life on the Cross for you I then created the capability for God to now see you as the perfect creation He made you to be originally. So when you accept Me as your Savior and live for Me as your Lord, God sees you as the perfect child He created. This isn’t dependent now on what you do, for I have already done it! This isn’t just a possibility, it is a fact. I’ve known this in my own mind for a long time, but today it was like my committed mind to Christ heard it and made it true (a fact) for me.

I had no idea just how much damage my childhood abuse did to my belief system until I came face to face with my disbeliefs regarding the promises of scripture. But, I can honestly say that these promises of scriptures are not just to be hope, they are fact. Living life with God’s Holy Spirit leading each and every day will eventually bring us to the complete truths of God’s promises. They are not eventual truths for living in heaven, they are truths for living each and every day today!

This morning’s journey starts quite early as I head to the airport to work with the school district in Montana. I was concerned yesterday with the work in the one school I’ve taken on in our valley this year. However, just as each week comes I am impressed with the commitment of the staff. Also, when there needs to be a difficult conversation because of the changes that need to be made, the conversation is received openly. This is such a good sign of one’s capability to overcome.

As I write this I think just how applicable this is to one’s recovery. I’ve needed to have many difficult conversations with myself from counselors/therapists in my past. Yet, my willingness to accept the message and act on it determines God’s strength given to me for my own overcoming. God is so patient with us waiting for our hearts and minds to be ready to “receive the message” and then act on it. I want to stay faithful to this the rest of my life.

This morning’s devotional time focused me on something I don’t often do. The devotional I am using this year asked that the reader read Psalms 119 to wrap your heart, mind and spirit around it’s message. It is in this chapter we are told 7 times to mediate on the precepts of God (in other words, on the Laws found in God’s Word). So, rather than continue my reading in Romans, I paused and read this chapter. I knew it was the “long” chapter in Psalms and that was all I could recall.

God has been challenging me to see Him differently than I have for quite some time now. I have grown a good deal in my view of Him too. However, as I began to read Psalms 119 I immediately remembered always reading this book as the one that repeatedly tells me to live by God’s Laws. What I was missing was the meditating on this message. The Father who is telling us to live by His Laws is doing this with a very important reason. For, when we live within the Law–Precepts, we live in peace and contentment. I also know that within this way of living is Trust, Faith, Hope and Believing.

I have always seen God’s Laws as controlling. Not until now do I begin to see them as freeing. Having good boundaries for living each day is greatly important and that is exactly why God has given us His Laws. My interpretation in past has been as though my own father gave these laws to me. To recognize that God my Father has given them takes on an entirely new picture. I will meditate on God’s Word, God’s Laws for I want to grow in this understanding and wisdom.

Yesterday was one filled with insights. In Mending the Soul class the topic had arisen about why God doesn’t step into stopping the abuse of a child? Why does He let this happen? I had given the group 50+ verses that provide insight about God giving man choice and God providing a way of escape. I do know that this topic is one which has to be worked through by every victim of abuse. I am no different. I will say that the more one faces abuse and the wounds left from it, the more one sees man separated from the healing work of Jesus Christ replacing the wounds with freedom from the bondage of it. This is certainly a process, but it one worth taking.

The training in Celebrate Recovery about the Power of Prayer was likewise very insightful. As we processed the material, the insights of binding Satan through the Power of Prayer loomed to the forefront. Each and every week the work of Satan is brought inside the room for which we meet. He wants to keep each victim locked in their beliefs even though they have taken the step to come. We as leaders need to remember to pray over our meeting place and bind Satan through the Power of Jesus Christ for he has to flee in Christ Jesus’ presence.

These great reminders are so important. We often get caught in little details like the amount of food, the materials on the tables, etc., when in reality, the importance of the spiritual tasks far outweigh these details. I sure want to remember this.

The power of obedience is something to be strongly considered. Not only the power of obedience, but the influence of obedience coupled with the power of it, is huge.

Today is our monthly Celebrate Recovery meeting. I am doing a training from the book I’ve mentioned several times in past posts called I Give You Authority. The chapter is “Using Your Authority Responsibly”. I’ve wanted to address this chapter with our group because so many of us who come to Celebrate Recovery suffer from value–self-worth. We undermine our value to man and particularly our value in God’s eyes. I’ve struggled with this seemingly forever. However, God has been helping me trust like I’ve never trusted before and have faith knowing it is not about me, but Him.

To use our authority responsibility we have to overcome this fear of no value and replace it with trust/faith. This in and of itself is another “one step at a time–one moment at a time” (from Serenity Prayer). One of the authorities we have is power of Satan’s attacks through Jesus Christ. Not only do we need to believe this for ourselves, but for others too. Obedience plays a huge part in acting on this. If I am nudged to pray over someone and I say I’m not worthy to pray over this person, I am acting in disobedience if I let my fear/belief stop me.

As leaders in Celebrate Recovery this realization is big. People come to find hope for their recovery. If we are modeling the lack of faith and letting fear rule, the modeling we portray has consequences we never want taking place. Its a sobering lesson, but one I’ve sure needed to learn and one we all need to address personally in our daily living.

It was an enjoyable day yesterday. Last night we went out to dinner with close friends. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and has been quite fearful of treatment options. When Kathy and I were in Branson the week before I had found a necklace with a pendant which read–Fear Not (Isaiah 41:10). I had purchased it and we gave it to her last night. It was gratifying to see her response. She said she had wanted something to wear as a witness during all the treatment time, like the angel pin some wear. She said this fit her perfectly since she struggles with fear so often.

Thursday of this week I was asked by a consulting firm in Montana to do a monthly zoom session for their school administrators who are seeking help. The firm has consultants who work with teachers, but I’ve been their first to work with admin. I had already committed to do a session for their instructional coaches helping them know how to address some of the admin issues. This led to them wanting something more direct for the admin. I had told the caller that I’d have to ponder this and see what God says.

This morning I spent time asking God for clarity from Him about taking on this assignment. The first thing that hit my mind was, “Do you know what would need to be brought out in the monthly sessions?” For this question I simply said yes. I then heard in my mind, “Then what clarity do you need? The problem is not whether you could do this. The problem is tied to your identity. Do you believe you could do this?” When I heard this I knew immediately this is true. I’ve doubted this value all of my person all of my life. I’ve tried to create value, but nothing one does brings the value we already have in being a new creation. I’m not ready to say yes at this point, but I have a much clearer picture in my mind now as to what I must face in order to fully address the commitment.

Today Kathy and I celebrate 39 years of marriage. Attempting marriage again was a huge step for me and if it weren’t for some tremendous encouragement from my oldest sis I would likely have passed this opportunity to know what God had in store for the two of us. God knew Kathy was His choice to walk by my side and for me to walk by her side all the time looking to Him for leadership. I’m so very grateful I listened to God and to my sis!

Last night’s Celebrate Recovery experience was very rewarding. It is tough for anyone to hear the message that in order to be strong in recovery, we must first admit we are powerless to do anything about it on our own. It was rewarding and encouraging to hear the ones talk this message in our share group time. Some were new to the ministry so they were hearing this for the first time. Yet, in their sharing the message gave them genuine hope that they can do this knowing they must first admit and then trust our God to provide the Power we do not have.

This battle is already won in God’s realm. He waits for each of us to find this reality and then surrender the battle to Him. There are many more steps for us to take, but, this is the big one. It is the one that begins to let the Light of Jesus penetrate the darkness we have tried to fight on our own.

Tuesday evening I was looking at my emails to see the one our female ministry leader for Celebrate Recovery sends out. It read, “I am looking forward to hearing our lesson on “Powerless” this Thursday taught by Earnie”. I thought–did I sign up for this? I must have! Back in August we create the list of dates for testimonies and lessons for the coming year allowing those who want to participate in either category to sign up. I usually put the ones I commit to in my cell phone calendar. Well, this one I didn’t.

Since Tuesday night God has really been speaking to me about a much more thorough meaning of powerless than I’ve ever allowed myself to know. Throughout my childhood I learned that I was powerless to do anything about the abuse of dad, the abuse of my brother and the absence of support from mom. From this I had told myself I’d never let myself be a victim to any man again once I was free from home. This freedom would start for me in college–I thought. What did start in college was my hiding. Those years in my autobiography are called, “The Secret”. My power would come from no one finding out about my past when I was powerless. The world would know me as a confident person who was a teacher, a singer and a gardener.

One of the most fearful things I’ve done through Celebrate Recovery is allow myself to be powerless again. It was in therapy I faced this immense giant. I had to give up being a teacher, a singer, and a gardener to become a “new creation”. Little did I know that a new creation could still do teaching, singing and gardening. In the last 11 years God has been growing the seeds of surrender and understanding for me so that I now better know and understand the scripture II Corinthians 12:10: “…For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

My eyes were opened again this morning to another truth God is bringing out in the book of Romans. in the second chapter Paul is saying that we are judged according to the way we have judged others. This really hit home for me because those of us who have carried abuse in our background feel as though we have a “right to judge”. In fact, in the ministry of Celebrate Recovery one hears every so often something like, “Well, no wonder you feel the way you do.” Those words and others like them give a victim the mentality that I have permission to judge.

It has taken me most of my life to step out of judging dad. To stop judging him and to ask for forgiveness for this action of mine took many big steps. In my mind he deserved to be judged. But, Romans reminds me that God will take care of that–I don’t have to and I’m not suppose to. In fact, I will be judged the same way I want him judged. That is sobering!

Now that I am finally at this stage of forgiveness with dad I can and do see him as a victim of humanness and sin. God reminds me to look first to Him and then as I look at dad I do so through God’s lens rather than my own. Forgiveness is a huge step and for me it has taken most of my life. Yet, the result of forgiveness is a genuine freedom not found until it is completed. It is well worth the change of heart. I love God’s faithfulness to us. He truly is Faithful to the end.