How much God has wanted me to learn about the impact of my dear mother on my life!  Yesterday we had a couple over after church.  This couple is dear to both Kathy and me.  As the day moved on I began to share with them about our recovery classes and the impact they are having on the ones attending.  In so doing I shared about my current awakening to my need for addressing the depth of hurt I’ve buried for so long within me regarding mom.  I didn’t read my journal entry from yesterday, but I was able to communicate it.  Even Kathy was unaware as we hadn’t had the time to talk and she hadn’t read my blog from yesterday.  It was good for me to verbalize what at that point had only been written.

I keep wanting what I’ve done to be the end of the journey’s work.  Spending so much time on “self” seems so selfish!  But I’ve sure learned that outwardly we look selfish if we don’t inwardly address the needs we house.  This morning I found myself awake at 4:00 am knowing it’s time to get up and address more that God had for me to understand.  I actually reread Mark 11:22-26.  It is all about addressing the mountains blocking us.  God has known all along I would someday need to address this mountain of unbelief He’d removed from me.  Now it was time for me to finally see and address what He wanted.  The amazing discovery this morning was seeing myself. 

In the process of addressing my brother and the impact of his sin/abuse to me; addressing my dad and the impact of his abuse; now addressing the absence/neglect/silence of my mom, I finally see me.  The person God created me to be is what is left.  All the characteristics He gave me are still within me.  The personality He gave me is still in tact.  The gifts/talents He gave me are still present.  God is showing me that when all the past is removed (this mountain of deception Satan has wanted to desperately keep in place) I am a creation of God.  I’m not some ego-driven snob as dad would have had me believe I was becoming.  I’m not a “girl” because I have some feminine strengths like sensitivity, enjoys some crafts, liking to cook, etc.  I am what God made me.  I am not what dad was trying to make me not to be.

I believe my most striking revelation this morning when I’d finally finished journaling was what I saw with this mountain removed.  I saw my Creator.  I don’t mean I saw this distinct figure.  But I saw a presence which had nothing blocking us.  I could spiritually embrace Him and let Him embrace me.  I didn’t need to hide anything I am because He was the One who created me with all of this.  He just wanted me to know I was good in letting man see all of me too.  The stuff of my past need not make me hide anything any longer!  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Boy, this journey is not letting up one iota.  This present issue regarding my mom and me has finally come to a head.  The last couple mornings I’ve awoke at 5:00 am and there was to be no more sleep.  In getting up I found God ready to awaken me to a good deal of recovery I hadn’t wanted to face.  Of course, this has been all about my wonderful mother. 

As I was having my devotional reading the Blackaby’s were talking about every word of the Bible as being alive so don’t miss out on a single word of it!  As I began my Bible reading in Mark 11 I could see why.  The 23rd verse has Christ saying: “Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea!’ and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place, it will be done for him.”  At this point I knew God was telling me I had to have a conversation with mom that I figured could wait until I was in heaven with her.  I learned how to have these conversations like this while in counseling/therapy and did this with dad more than once, but mom???

I got my journal and began to write out everything I needed to have this little boy in me tell his mom.  I had thought this little guy was all grown up having worked through so much with dad and my brother Rich along with God.  However, what I had never done and never wanted to do was have this talk with her letting her know how this little boy Earnie needed his mother’s touch and words of affirmation.  It has helped me tremendously to know that mom’s neglect did not categorize her as an abuser like dad.  It was that her silence did its damage to me similarly to dad and Rich’s abuse. 

I’m not going to go into all that I needed to write to mom and all that I heard her say in return, but I will say that we had a wonderful conversation which helped me release a ton.  This faith of a mustard seed removing mountains has been moving spiritual mountains like I’ve never known.  How little I’ve understood that spiritual mountains were blocking my view of God’s complete healing.  Of course now that I’m where I am I can easily see Satan’s deception throughout this. 

God is so faithful and I want to be faithful in return through obedience to His Holy Spirit’s leading in my life!

This journey is a lifetime event.  I keep reminding myself of this because I tend to be one of ones who wants to find the end of a life project and then move on from it.  The journey of life with God will not come to an end until we humanly reach this end which only opens the door to the eternal side.  What I’m trying to say is that this new creation I am created to be still has the human connection which I’d love to have removed.  

Yesterday I was talking to a friend I hadn’t talked with for a couple months catching them up on what’s transpiring with the recovery ministries, our families and lives.  I told them about my awakening to my mom’s neglect and how I’d learned its impact I’ve tried to stay in denial to.  This seemed to open a door to a need I still hadn’t addressed or surrendered.  I sensed a longing to have mom confirm me as a boy (man) she loved.  This just never happened in my life.  However, this morning in my bible reading Christ was telling the father who wanted his son healed in Mark 9:24 to believe.  The father said to Jesus, …”Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”  This passage really hit me because I recently had this unbelief removed from me.  

So, today I felt God telling me to let His Holy Spirit fill this emotional need I have had confirming my value to Him.  There is a missing joy when we have not been confirmed by the one/s we trust the most.  So, I spent time letting The Holy Spirit fill this void.  (Sometimes what I’m writing makes me think any reader is going to say–“Good grief, I’m done reading this guy’s nonsense!”)  However, this is real and God is real and I will claim this joy all the more because God does love me.  I can know this once and for all and I will believe it for the rest of my days.  My hope is that any reader can find their way to this new freedom if they too struggle as I have.  God is so GOOD!

Today God has shown me a piece of His Freedom I’ve not seen until now.  Last night I taught the lesson TURN for our Celebrate Recovery Group.  The acrostic stands for: T=Trust, U=Understand, R=Repent, N=New Life.  The lesson meant more to me last night and now this morning than it ever has before.  It says that in order to have New Life we start with Trusting.  We need to Understand that the battles we face with Hurts, Hang-Ups and Habits are not won with our own strength.  We must surrender our will to overcome them to Christ and in this surrender we obtain His Strength to overcome them.  We also must repent of our sin and desire to do this myself.  When this is done we are given New Life.  

Every since God removed the demon Unbelief from me I am seeing more and more clearly some things I’ve never understood as I do today.  The new creation I keep talking about is this New Life–that much I did understand.  What I’ve never understood was the part of surrendering my will (strength) so Christ’s Work on the Cross could do its part.  I knew it had to be true but I often couldn’t find this promised strength for me. I’ve always dealt with temptation with fear and panic.  When the temptation to look at porn would hit me I’d be instantly taken back in my mind to the memories of abuse and helplessness.  I’d hear dad’s voice and think I simply have no capability of withstanding the temptation so lets get it over with so the temptation is gone.  

Today, as a new creation and with unbelief gone, I am finally able to understand last night’s lesson.  I had always seen this lesson from the eyes of a victim.  Last night I taught the lesson from the eyes of an overcomer–a new creation.  I sure know I can’t deal with temptation on my own strength, but I no longer see it as panic/fear.  I see it for the disgusting manipulation it is.  Yes, it can own me, but who I want owning me is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!  This journey of “one day at a time and one moment at a time” (as stated in the Serenity Prayer) is achievable.  It is achievable when we let Christ be our strength and surrender the weakness we have to Him so the temptation is faced with His defeat of Satan at the Cross of Calvary.  How I love Him for this! 

When Christ comes into our lives as we turn our lives over to Him, I think the work is done.  For years and years I fought to be worthy of Him thinking that was the reason I still struggled.  Boy, has the present few weeks been revealing and teaching me an entirely new way of thinking and living.  

When we are told that we are a new creation in Christ, it is true.  What we are often not told is that the new creation is first a spiritual being.  In order for us to live as this new creation we must address all the earthly physical, emotional scars we have been given in life along with the selfish temptations which do not honor God’s choices.  This class on Abuse is cleaning up all that I’ve needed to know and believe so I could finally see that I too am a new creation. 

Christ talks about planting seed in the parable about the farmer found in Matthew 13.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard this and tried to make meaning of it for me.  Finally, now that I’m at this place of awakening spiritually, I can see that Christ is clearly talking about the destructive thinking and believing we have regarding our own selves.  If I didn’t believe I could be effective for Christ I’d sabotage what I’d do by leaving it early, not connecting with the people to follow it up, etc.  Now that God is cleaning up my mind so I can believe as He wants me to, I can see so much more clearly all He talks about in Matthew. 

As I continue to be involved with our Celebrate Recovery ministry and our Recovery Classes, I want to help others find their own obstacles along this line.  Satan, being the deceiver he is, wants us bound by the unbelief life has given us.  I see this so clearly today.  The mountain that the mustard seed sized faith removes has now been removed for me so I can see “believing as me”.  How I thank God for keeping me here so I could finally find this GIFT! 

Living as a new creation doesn’t sound right.  Being a new creation is what I am and each one of us is.  Living as a new creation is what we do with “being”.  In the past week or so I’ve basked in the Light of living (being) a new creation.  So yesterday I found myself up against temptation.  It did its best to find entry.  I grappled with it and then walked away from it.  This morning in my devotions I recognized something I’m going to need to grow into.  

A week ago last Sunday I had this wonderful experience of God removing “unbelief” from me.  I could nicely see in my mind “The Holy Spirit” standing guard so this demon could not return.  Yesterday’s moment of temptation was a time of choice.  I found myself quickly processing choice from old thinking–the old creation ways which would usually lose.  God is teaching me to reach out to The Holy Spirit when this time comes.  He is The Gift Christ gave me and to each of us as we choose Jesus Christ as Lord of our lives.  I’d forgotten this yesterday at the “panic” moment of temptation.  I fought alone.  I am learning how to live in my new creation being.  Allowing The Holy Spirit to answer the door of temptation rather than me is the answer.  The deceiver awaits entrance and I never want him here again.  

In Mark where my scripture reading has me, Christ heals the woman who touched His garment which stopped her blood flow of 12 years.  Christ’s new creation blood healed her.  This happened because she believed, reached out and touched the hem of His garment.  The new creation does this–believes.  This is where I want to live the rest of my earthly life.

New creation living–Have you ever tried to put words to this?  Yesterday I spent the day working with the school district’s elementary site.  We are in the midst of completing a huge needs assessment, setting goals from it and then we will develop a budget for their grant.  All this has to be finished and submitted by Jan. 15, 2019.  The same is true for the Jr/Sr High School.  I’ll be with them tomorrow.  I write all of this because this is where I can become very dominant–taking charge.  However, I am not to be the one in charge or else the wrong work is getting done.  I am to be a light helping each site see what they need to do and then finding a path that has steps for which they can accomplish the work of helping kids learn at an achieveable pace keeping them at grade level.  It is so much easier to do the work and hand it to them and say, “Here is a good plan and so let me help you follow it.” 

I am seeing that a new creation seldom “tells”.  A new creation models and assists so the others involved can be fully engaged in the learning.  Always before when doing this work I’d be full of my own doubts thinking I’m doing this wrong, etc.  However, God is making it so much clearer that a new creation relying fully on His Holy Spirit’s leadership will see grappling as a part of learning.  I only shed light when the grappling is leading to darkness rather than to light. 

I am amazed at how God is making this happen.  Tonight this new creation is walking into our recovery class.  I’ll be facing the same chapter regarding “The Abuser”.  Last week was grueling but this time I’m going to walking in with a new mind set.  I am going to take the grappling and watch for The Holy Spirit’s Light.  If I don’t see it tonight I know He will eventually show it to me when I’m ready for it.  The old creation had a way of labeling me “a loser”.  I’m a young new creation, but I have a fully equipped Holy Spirit within me I will lean upon. 

So, I’ve tried to put into words–living in “the new creation” for one day.  Today is day two.  To God be the Glory, great things He has done.  Today I believe that great things will be done. 

As I begin today’s entry I am awakened to something from the past many days.  God has been revealing to me as I’ve read through Matthew how little man actually commits to Him.  Man for the most part only commits what he is desperately needing help with.  The rest of life we keep for ourselves to manage.  God is showing me He wants me committed in all of my life.  However, this piece isn’t the revelation of the morning.  The actual revelation is that I am a new creation.  God is now teaching me what living as a new creation is all about. 

I’ve not had this conversation per se with anyone, but I would imagine if I did most of us would admit we spend our life after accepting Christ into our hearts, living as best we can for Him.  The idea we are actually a new creation is great, but the reality of it stays more in “the great idea” arena.  God is not wanting me living there in this great idea arena.  If I am a new creation, I am to live as though I am.  This living as one is all about believing I am one.  Today I am going to intentionally live as a new creation which will mean I believe it. 

It has been a week and a day since God removed from me the demon named “unbelief”.  God even said The Holy Spirit would plant the seeds of belief in me (the new garden called the new creation).  I haven’t discredited this at all, but today God is wanting me to not just think this is nice, but to TRUST this as I live each day.  I’m also recalling God told me the fruit from the seeds of BELIEF are Trust while the fruit of the unbelief, I’ve lived with forever, are doubt.  The last piece God is wanting me to know about the new creation for today is that this new person gives thanks to Him ahead of even seeing any fruit developing.  The new creation knows it will happen because it is all about the seeds planted in him.  I am no longer living on my own strength, but on the strength within me from The Holy Spirit.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Today’s bible reading was Matthew 26.  I don’t usually stop with one chapter of reading, but in this chapter there was much I needed to read and reflect upon.  In this chapter Peter is being challenged by the message Christ gave him about his denial of Christ and the rooster crowing.  I’ve read and heard this so many times I have not a clue how many.  However, in reading it this morning following the day to day messages of my current walk with God, the chapter took on an entirely different meaning. 

Christ had told Peter and all the disciples about his crucifixion forthcoming and the need for this to come about once and for all.  He had also told them about the Gift He would be giving to each of them and to each of the followers from that point forward.  However, this message was all information which hadn’t become tangible.  When Peter saw Christ arrested, tormented, beaten and He did nothing, then where was this power He had?  Was He for real?  

For over two years now God has had me journaling to Him.  During this time He has not only proven Himself over and over to me as a Loving God, Promise Keeper, Kind Father and Almighty God, He has wanted me to turn my trust over to His counter-parts:  Christ and The Holy Spirit.  Christ seemed so helpless when He was crucified.  The Holy Spirit seemed so helpless when He was “living in me” and just remained silent.  I wonder if Peter was pondering all this helplessness that one night over 2,000 years ago? 

I do know all of this with Christ was fulfilling a much greater purpose, but at the moment of crisis in each of our lives, Christ often asks us to TRUST the plan we cannot see at the moment.  This morning I know God is asking me to now trust all of these characteristics of Himself to be as real and alive within His Son and His Holy Spirit.  When I hear God’s voice within it is The Holy Spirit.  When I feel the nudge it is The Holy Spirit.  Today my message was to join The Holy Spirit rather than asking Him to join me.  If I obey this message I will respond to His voice and nudges rather than asking Him to respond to mine.  In so doing, I am trusting there is no mistake in God’s Leading of my life.  I want to be one who leaves a legacy of Trust for these kids and grandkids of mine.  I want to choose to live in obedience and no other way.

Thanksgiving is behind us, Thanksgiving evening shopping is behind us, Black Friday shopping is behind us.  Yes, we were active participants in all of this.  After the delicious dinner with family and friends the grandkids and adults got the ads together and made their Christmas lists.  Actually, my 2nd oldest grandson and I were able to complete everyone of the boys’ lists by early afternoon yesterday.  It is a good feeling knowng we got all of it done and all of it is within the “budget”!  Not sure how the girls did.  Kathy takes the girls and their lists while I take the boys and their lists.  There are six granddaughters and six grandsons so it is evenly split.

This morning I feel like I’m back on planet Earth once again.  As I was having my devotions I found myself being confronted with a message from the Blackaby’s devotional I use.  The message was saying God cannot use a double life (or doesn’t use one).  If one is saying they are “alive unto God–living for Him” but secretly living for self with private sins, etc., God will not profit their work.  We have to be sold out to God and all He puts before us if we are to truly see His Work come to life through the talents and capabilities He gives us. 

This message brought me right back to the recovery class I’ve journaled about many times of late.  It is so easy to “leave good enough alone” for one’s selfish reasons (sometimes fears).  This would be privately sinning when God is asking you to step out in Faith to live a freedom one doesn’t know as of yet.  He is challenging me to do this more than I have.  I think back three years ago when my book was just coming out and I thought my freedom was complete.  Now I can see where I need to take further steps.  Once I can see them I must either take the step and obey God’s leading or “call it good”.  I don’t want that to happen.  I want God’s work to flourish in my life and in any life my own testimony touches.  God is so patient, but He is also quite relentless!